“I’m alone on my way back from leaving you, I’ll forget you, I’ll erase you, my burnt and blackened love. (Tried To Walk - B1A4)

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Stumbling fingers hit the keypad of the phone; each press of the keys feels like a one step closer to death. It might not be an exaggeration though; one press means a one key closer to someone who he should have been in the past year, and a step farther from the idiot man he was. He already knows it a long time ago, he saw how it all begun and happened right before his own eyes. He remembered how she made her way out of the room after a round of a heated argument, they were fighting that time, something very mundane for normal couples, and, maybe, that was his biggest mistake. The simplest thing like letting the love of your life bolt out of the room can be the most life-changing, turning point event of one’s life. He remembered hearing her ugly sobs, her pretty face stained with tears, as she grasped the phone like it was her lifeline. He remembered how he talked to him, to her co-worker, and how he walked away just as that. He should’ve held her that night, and, maybe, none of this will happen.

She answers the phone after the third ring, her voice groggy with sleep as she says hello, who is this. He selfishly devours all the air in his room, inhale, exhale, inhale, and exhale.  “It’s me, Shinwoo”.

“Oh…”

Oh. What is he supposed to say to the girl he used to wake up to every morning until the moment he ed up so bad? For a moment, he forgets all the things he wanted to say, for a brief moment, he wants to tell her how sorry he was. (And beg her to comeback, but that is out of the question a lifetime ago.)

“I need to meet you, you know, to sign the papers and stuff.”

“Okay… uhm, sure, meet me the café down the street from where you work.”

“No, let’s just meet somewhere near your place since it will be too hassle for you if you will trave--..”

“No, we’ll just meet the café near at your workplace at 8:30 pm.”

“Okay, bye, Angela.” Angela. She was never an Angela to him before. She used to be babe, baby or any lame endearment that is sweet. (Sugar, candy, lollipop, he even called her yema cake, a dessert that was number one on her crave list after their 3-day trip to Philippines in one September years ago.)

“Bye too.”

Funny thing is how he wants everything to be easy for her; spoon feed her everything even if something as heartbreaking like signing him away.

---

Shinwoo likes to think that things happen for a reason, that there is no such thing as accident or serendipity because everything on Earth and everything that happens is carefully planned with someone greater or higher than the humans, maybe the gods above on heavens already set their humans’ fates together. But after their 30-second phone call, he can’t stop himself from cursing all the gods out there and, probably, Fate and Destiny for doing this to him. It is his absurd attempt to try to comfort his self because the fact that it was him who inflicted this to himself, that it was him who took her for granted, was too much. Reality hurts like a , and for helpless hearts and minds, it’s the obvious lies that serve as lifelines. And Shinwoo is one of those helpless hearts and minds, he is too damaged to take more of the pain reality is slapping to him.

---

They meet just like what they agreed too. Angela enters the café and he drinks the sight of her, clad in simple black dress. She seems like she just got from work, her styled hair is messy, some of her bangs are falling and her light makeup is almost fading. She looks so simple, so domestic, like you wouldn’t even spare her a second glance if you bump into her, at least, in that state of her. But she was never an ordinary girl to him; to Shinwoo, she is so ing perfect at 5 AM in the morning where she is busy snoring, drool pooling on her pillows, she is so beautiful it hurts when the sun lights on her skin as she slowly open her eyes, she is painfully perfect as she bakes him sweets on ungodly hours just because she felt like it and she had spare ingredients, she is so amazing and perfect and all the words that is synonymous to beautiful, she is ethereal just like that. So, so exquisite.

She scans the room until she saw him and she makes her way to him. Shinwoo feels like the world is in a slow motion, he is past his early thirties, a decade and a half away from the teenage boy who is struggling his way to puberty and first crushes, and yet he feels like he is on high school again, getting ready to ask his ideal girl to be his prom date. His hands are getting clammy and he feels so hot, and that is when reality hits him. This is not him being high school trying to score a date, this is him on his prime years, trying not to breakdown as he battles with his inside, because, damn, she’s supposed to sign the papers, sign him away, not to drag her to the nearest stall and kiss the life out of her. He will willingly do the latter without a second thought, only that Angela is no longer in love with him.

xxxxx

Angela was a very cheerful and optimistic girl. She could fail a major test and you would not hear any rants and whines about it, instead she would tell you, in her very excited voice, how lucky the girl in the recent drama she was watching because “did her prince charming just helped her washed the dishes?”. But that was the thing about her, she could do a marathon on the night of her midterm exams and she would still be cheerful and optimistic because she could still pass the exams. Sometimes she aced it, sometimes just a passing grade but she was doing very fine.

Angela and her company was busy on her lunch, she was telling her friends about how she was already months away from the real battle (a.k.a after graduation) and aside from preparing her weapons (diplomas and stuffs like that), she couldn’t do it all by herself and she needed some kind of shield or maybe support, that was why she needed a boyfriend. Her friends stared her with disbelief, Angela was so coped up with her dramas and those handsome leading guy that boyfriend would probably the least of her priorities and wants, on Angela’s defense being the only single on your group of friends .

And that was how Angela and Shinwoo happened. One of her friends was kind enough, or just plain gossiper, to talk about it to her boyfriend. “Angela was being a because she is graduating in three months and still no boyfriend. Like I get it that she feels kind of left out because I have a boyfriend, Elle has a boyfriend, even his ex-crush has a boyfriend! The world doesn’t need another word from Angela growing old alone with no someone to throw popcorns with.” “Babe, I have this friend, kind of quiet and reserved type, never had a girlfriend and you know that kind of science teach us, opposite attracts.” And that was how Angela and Shinwoo’s fate was sealed.

xxxxx

Angela sits and Shinwoo stares at her like she just grew another pair of eyes. To say its awkward is an understatement and Shinwoo resents this. They used to have silent moments where they just held hands and stare at nothing in particular and everything seemed to be perfect. But that was a lifetime ago, the Angela who used to look at her with loving eyes was a lifetime ago. The Angela that is sitting across him is not his Angela but someone’s Angela. The Angela that is sitting across him is just a glimmer of the girl who used to snuggle her head into his chest.

“Hi,” he croaks.

“Oh, long time no see there, Shin.”

Shin. She used to call him that when they were first introduced to each other, claiming that his named sounded weird.

“You’re not supposed to call me like that.”

“Why? I used to call you that even before us happened. I always called you like that, be it friends or more than friends.” He wants to say to her that because it hurts more hearing her say her pet name for him. That she makes it seem like she is his Angela.

“I’m past my early thirties; calling me Shin makes me miss the old days.”

“Well, you’re 35, turning 36, you’re not old, but, yeah, it’s not like you can turn back time and be on those old days again.”

If he could, he would. He will turn back time, back to the day where he met into her, so that none of this will happen. (But Shinwoo knows he is fooling himself, he will just turn it back a year and a few months, back to their stupid fight so that he can just hug her instead of letting her cry herself to sleep. God knows Angela is the best thing that happened to him.)

xxxxx

Angela was beyond pissed. She was so irked because she was supposed to meet her friend at 5:30 PM but it was already past 6 and that meant she was waiting alone for almost 30 minutes. She didn’t hate waiting per se, but waiting for someone when you had more important things to do was kind of annoying. She texted her friend to just cancel the meeting and immediately bolted out of the ice cream parlor. Contrary to the cheerful and optimistic image of her, she knew how to feel annoyance, and right now she was so annoyed because her favorite boy group was supposed to make their comeback stage and she didn’t even know what possessed her to say yes to this meeting.

Before she could make her way to the bus stop station, she was called by her friend, together with her boyfriend; her voice was way to cheerful for someone who just made her missed the live broadcast. She was ready to throw fits, possibly saying how pitiful she was for missing the live stage, but her friend beat her with “You have internet connection and I know this site called Youtube, and no don’t say watching it live is not the same. You can watch it for 69 more times and you will still react like it’s the first time you ever watch it so shut up and let me introduce to you Shinwoo…”

Her friend kept on blabbing about Shinwoo but she was too mesmerized by the man standing in front of her. Droopy eyes, he has this serious but soft, not judging or anything, kind of stare. He was wearing his nerdy glasses that was hanging by his pointy nose, mouth curved into a tiny smile. He reached his hand out and shook her hand. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

She took his hand and shook it, he smiled, a wide and genuine smile and she saw his bear teeth and Angela loved bears but she thought she loved the man shaking her hand more. And, oh, screw the comeback stage, there is Youtube, she said to herself.

xxxxx

He cannot stand all the pleasantries, he cannot stand staying with her in the same room, sitting across her as she talks about how good the weather is and how her boss almost made her stay late because of some files that needed to be finished and how she promised she will finish it all tomorrow just let her this once because she has some important appointment…

He snaps his head, did she just said important? He almost asks what does she mean by important. Is he important enough to ditch all those works or divorcing him is important so that she can officially move on with life? And he feels a pang of guilt inside his chest, he never ditched his work for her.

xxxxx

Angela never felt so in love until she met Shinwoo. She pined into him, trying to be subtle on giving him hints about her feelings, but Shinwoo was so oblivious that you could even point a gun onto his head and he would ask you if you want to go eat some ice cream just because. All hell broke loose when Angela heard Shinwoo talking to someone, some Malgeumi, on the phone. She had no intentions of eavesdropping, she just happened to be there.

“Malgeumi!! How are you... Ahh good girl… have you eaten already?? Hey I missed you too… I love you, chuchuchu…”

The phone call ended and Angela was close to tears. Her first major crushed ended up with someone she couldn’t compete with (because he turned out to be gay), and her first love (the first meeting was debatable being love at first sight but it was already 3 months) was in a relationship with someone. She would graduate within days and having to mend a broken heart in that short span of time would be kind of hard considering it was her first time feeling love. She was so caught up with her pity party for herself that she did not notice someone towering over her.

“Hey… “ Shinwoo handed her a white handkerchief. At least, he was kind enough to lend it to her. “Why are you crying?” Shinwoo was so wary, he didn’t know if he was allowed to ask her, it might be too personal, he was sort of conscious if he stepped on the boundary or not.

“I like you” Both were surprised to the sudden confession Angela made.  Angela wanted the ground to eat her alive, she might die with too much embarrassment, and from the humiliation of confessing to someone who was already in a relationship. But little did she knew, a small, genuine and serene smile was formed by Shinwoo’s lips.

xxxxx

Angela is still rambling about her day. It’s hard to say that those two people sitting across each other, one in her simple black dress and one in his suit and tie attire are going to sign their divorce papers any minute from now. They look more like a couple on a date after a busy and tiring work. After all, Angela was never one to hold grudges. It is one of the things Shinwoo loves the most about her, she gets hurt, she forgives and then she moves one. And it might be the reason why she can sit at him like that, acting like nothing ever happened and going to happen.

xxxxx

It was kind of both expected and unexpected from Shinwoo to get down on his one knee and asked her for marriage. It was Angela who first confessed and if weren’t for Shinwoo’s stupid dog that triggered Angela’s emotions at bay, he wouldn’t had the guts to ask her out. But after all, they had been together for almost 5 years and everything went well. There were ups and downs on their relationship but nothing that could not be settled with some amendments and a few hot make out sessions. Angela had this thing about Shinwoo that when he got so frustrated, he will just shut her with a deep and fiery kiss. She liked to push Shinwoo at his limits sometimes; she had to admit that he was so hot at those times.

Angela said yes the moment Shinwoo asked her with will you marry me. She was so happy, she was torn between crying or laughing that she ended up frozen for a minute, but, nonetheless, the mirth on her eyes was so clear.

xxxxx

“You know, there are times I ask myself how all of this happened.”

Shinwoo is beyond surprised, he is so flabbergasted. It was a big shock to their group of friends when he spilled the news about their failing marriage. It all started with their fight that he can’t even remember the reason to. All he can remember was there was some shouting, slamming of fists into the wall and a wanton cry from her. He remembered looking down at her crouching figure on the side of their bed, everything was a mess at that time, she was having a hard time on her work, and he was so stressed on work. Everything was about work that time that they couldn’t manage to spare each other some time. He regrets it, he regrets everything that time.

“I still feel so sorry and guilty, too. Part of me is ashamed to admit that I cheated on you.”

xxxxx

Angela didn’t know what went wrong, what happened to the perfect ShinGela couple? Maybe, being in love won’t be the same anymore when you are on your early thirties, when you were struggling between mid-life crisis, work, personal life and everything that you missed from behind. She couldn’t remember when the two of them ate together or when was the last time they slept on their bed, hugging each other until morning. They had their fight the last night, Angela wanted to do something, she asked her husband to get something for her, that he better go get something from the convenience store for a second because she couldn’t leave the kitchen, he said he had some important work to do, and that was when she exploded. She said she didn’t have any time for her and all they did was work and work and work and work and then work again. Shinwoo said it’s not like it was always him who always work and that don’t say such thing because they were the same. It started so simple and she had no idea why it became so big, so lost on the middle of throwing each other complains. It was like you decided to light a match stick but ended up causing a big fire, exploding, burning every bits and pieces of everything.

xxxxx

“Jinyoung, I bet he is a great guy.”

“He is.”

xxxxx

That incident was when everything went downhill. They went into not-speaking terms and it lasted for a month. The first time they talked to each other was when Shinwoo can’t find where his blue polo shirt he was about to wear at work. Angela said it was on the laundry and Shinwoo hissed and grabbed the nearest clean polo shirt he could find.

On the past month, Angela became close to Jinyoung. Jinyoung was an awkward guy, older with 3 years but acted like he was just past the middle school. Jinyoung was so cute in an awkward way, especially when he did those gummy faces and v-sign pose. Jinyoung said real men don’t do it but he did anyway because it made Angela smile. Jinyoung was her co-worker and they were not that close but after accidentally calling him that night, they became super friends. Angela would text her how was her day on weekends and they would talk about random things on their break. They would chat and laugh so hard on their lunch table and walk out of the company every night and part ways after Angela got on the bus. Jinyoung had a car and he said he could just drive her home but Angela said no because he was on the opposite way, so Jinyoung would wait with her every night until she got on the bus. Angela thought it was sweet; it was nice having someone always looking out for you, making you smile. Jinyoung was all over her head most of the time when she was at home. Shinwoo was almost never there, busy doing work on the auditing firm. And it was kind of inevitable that Angela would crave for more.

xxxxx

“Tell something about him.”

Shinwoo thinks he is a masochist for asking such thing.

“Well, for starters, Jinyoung is very awkward. It’s cute, watching him being all awkward and stuff. He is very manly, too. Kind of y at times but most of the times he is dumb. Weak at directions, too, I had to give him a compass as a birthday gift. It was just a hilarious thought but he accepted it whole heartedly. He loved that compass that sometimes he would ask me to go into a road trip; we will not use any GPS and will only rely on maps, the compass and his instincts. Most of the time we get lost until we had to use the GPS, Google maps and ask strangers for help.”

There is a serene aura on Angela as she talks about Jinyoung. She has this small smile as she rambles about him and her eyes crinkle into crescents as she finished her sentence. Shinwoo thought he could never be more broken as he was a few moments ago but seeing Angela talk about the object of her affection and admiration, seeing her talk about the man that she loves hurts so much. It cripples his heart so much he thinks it will burst inside.

xxxxx

Angela thought life was playing with her. How could she feel falling in love with someone all over again, only that it was not the man she was married to with but to another man who comforted her on times of need? She argued to herself that it was only because of the attachment she was feeling, he was there when she needed someone, he was there when she needed support. But as time passed by, she realized that the attachment she felt for Jinyoung was actually love. Her relationship with Shinwoo was getting better, Shinwoo actually made an effort to make up with her. Shinwoo would now hug her to sleep but she would be on her side, facing the windows as she read her conversations with Jinyoung. She should feel bad, her husband was hugging her tight while sleeping but she was there, thinking of some other man. She felt even worse because she realized she was not sorry.

It all made sense when Shinwoo decided to take his shirt off. Angela was on their shared bed, watching a movie when her laptop was dragged away from her. Angela wanted to protest but there were already lips covering hers. The kiss Shinwoo was giving was full of passion, tongue slipping for her to open . She did, she slightly opened and Shinwoo explored her caverns. Shinwoo was tugging her shirt off; she let him do the job. Shinwoo was kissing her and the next thing she knew, she was almost , save for the undergarments she was wearing and hot breathes was on her neck. Shinwoo whispered I miss you’s and I love you’s on her ear before open-mouthed kisses was pressed on her neck. She angled her neck to let him have more space, her fingers clawing at Shinwoo’s arms. Angela almost forgot how great his husband was actually in bed. Shinwoo might be very reserved and quiet but the beast inside of him always won when they made love. Today was no exception. She was so frustrated with her feelings and she was never touched like that for a very long time. Shinwoo made her feel so beautiful that time, worshipping her body and when Shinwoo entered her she lost her mind. Pleas of yes, faster and moans of pleasure were the only things that can be heard.

 “I love you,” Shinwoo said while kissing her lips, “so much.”

It was only after their love-making, Shinwoo spooning her while snoring softly, that she realized she never said I love you back.

xxxxx

“You look happy right now, more happy in the last years of our failing marriage. Probably more than the way I made you feel.”

“Don’t be like that, you are special to me, I loved you so much back then, it’s just that things happen. We ed up, I don’t even know why or why we did not let it stop. We kind of just go with the flow? I don’t know, Shin… wait am I even allowed to call you that? Anyways, you are the first love of my life and you are special to me. I’m glad we can still talk, face each other without throwing anything, I’m sad I get depressed when I think what happened to us but… things just happen.”

xxxxx

Angela wanted to feel bad, but she can’t bring herself to feel any ounce of negativity in her. She never felt so right, not after so many months of trying to tend their failing marriage. She fell out of love, fell in love with someone else while his husband was trying to mend things back to how it used to be. But it was impossible to make things right, not now, way too late. Not when she was under a man that was not her husband, not when Jinyoung was kissing her fervently. After the love-making she had with Shinwoo, she tried to distance herself away from Jinyoung. But things got worse, she never craved for anyone so much until she tried to block Jinyoung in her life. Shinwoo was trying his best but his best was not enough, he would never be enough again, not when there was a Jung Jinyoung in this world. She did her best to stop herself, she said it was unfair for Shinwoo, but she was being unfair to herself and Shinwoo, too. She knew that the right thing to do was move on, stop all her fantasy for Jinyoung that all started with an accidental phone call to comfort her. But sometimes, the right thing was not the best. It was not right, it was unfair. She would be lying to herself, to Jinyoung, to Shinwoo, to the world, if she would do the right thing, because she knew right after that night, that y time with her husband after so long, that they just better stop everything. She knew Jinyoung felt the same way to her, she knew from all the hints Jinyoung was giving to her. So she called Jinyoung to meet up with her, they did and she cried as she asked her if she loved him. He said yes and she said she loved him too but everything was so wrong, her failing marriage, her love for him… everything. And then Jinyoung dragged her to his car because she was crying so loud it was disturbing the people on the restaurant. He asked her if she would like to go home, she said no and that was how she found herself panting on Jinyoung’s bed. Jinyoung on top of her, shirtless, but her clothes were still on, Jinyoung was gentleman enough to stop before things got so heated.

“We’ll make this work,” Jinyoung said as he kissed her forehead.

xxxxx

“So, I guess, it’s the end of us?”

“Don’t say such thing, Shinwoo.”

Shinwoo lets out a small laugh as he hands her the divorce paper. “Don’t try to be civil anymore, I know for a fact that you hate me so much.”

“Don’t be like that, I never hated you nor I can hate you. I loved you, I still love you now.” Angela flashes her genuine smile. Shinwoo is a second closer to crying his eyes out because the genuineness in Angela’s words hurts so much. She still loves him, but she was kind enough to not say just not the way she used to. Shinwoo looks at her, really looks at her, in the eyes, and he knows he’s doing the right thing. It was wrong of him to drag this so long, Angela told him everything almost a year ago but he was so stubborn to divorce her but when he accidentally saw Angela and Jinyoung on their park date, he knew that he better let go. It is for the better. Angela has clearly moved on from him, she told him everything and packed her bags, rented an apartment for herself for a few months until a he received a text from her saying she was moving to Jinyoung’s house.

“So I guess, this is the end of ShinGela then?” Angela has the guts to joke something like that. He might’ve laughed at it if he is not hurting so much. Angela signs the paper, gives it back to him and then she smiles. It’s a sad kind of smile. They stare at each other for a minute or two, Shinwoo lost count because he was so enchanted by her eyes filled with sadness, hurt, and regret but there is also a glint of relief and happiness. “Thank you, for everything.”

“I guess this is it then?”

Angela looks at her lap and then at him again. She’s still smiling but this time her smile is so pure, she is so beautiful, Shinwoo thinks. “I guess so, I’ll get going. And, oh, don’t think you can rid of me that easily. I’ll still check out on you some time, we’re friends too, after all.”

I don’t think I can get rid of you and my feelings for you for… forever. “Okay, then, this is it. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Angela stands and he watches him walk away from him, and from his life. She’s on the door when she looks back at him and smiles again. Shinwoo can live with this, the love of his life leaving him away with a smile; at least it’s not a tear-stained face that will probably haunt him for a lifetime. She just signed him away, signed their fates to an end, leaving their strands untangled, but he can’t help to stop himself from thinking that she is so amazing like that. Still being the angel she is, being all civil and friendly to him even if he hurt her in so many ways. She might've cheated on her, not really because she said it to him and she even tried to stop herself but their marriage was just a whole mess that can never be fixed so she decided to move out, asked for divorce but he never conceded. She was kind enough to not bolt into his, used to be their, house to force him to do that. Angela let him took his time. And he was thankful and hurt at the same time. He realized he was an idiot, he made the first official move to let go of the girl he loved, loved and will love until the day he die. He stands up, goes to his car and drives to his house. He was welcomed with an empty house, a perfect reflection of his soul. He lies to the bed and that is when he finally let all his feelings out. He cries as he calls for the name of his soon-to-be-officially ex-wife. He cries and cries and part of him knows that he will do this until the end of time.