Jan 5 –

Alright.  First line in here.  First and maybe, last time I will write anything down in here, who knows.  Can’t make any promises about that.

Mom seems to think it’d be a great idea for me to make more friends, get a girlfriend, cook more, keep a journal etc, etc. Her list is long.   

So she was pleased to find out recently that my girlfriend, Soo-Jin and I have been dating for three months now; and that I will crack open this leather journal she sent me for my birthday last July.   Handmade in Thailand, by an artisan she knows personally, she said. 

It is done.  I have written something in here.  There will be no guilt if I never open this book again.

 

Feb 13 –

I don’t know if it is a good idea to write any of this in here, but it’s not like I will be sharing this with anyone.  My head feels clogged and I can't sleep.

Soo-Jin spent the night here last night.  Our first time together.  Was so nervous.  I don’t know what her expectations were but I can say that she seemed happy.  She slept in my arms.  She said she had started to worry that I wasn’t interested in her ‘that way’.  How could I not be?  She is beautiful.  I just didn’t want to rush into anything.  She’s busy with university and her part-time job on top of that. Don’t want to be too demanding of her time.

I made us breakfast this morning.  It was a little awkward at first but everything is fine.  Walked her to the bus stop.  We held hands and looked like so many of those clingy couples I often watch on the train.

We have plans to get together next Saturday.

 

Feb 27 –

I guess I find myself coming back here from time to time.  Nothing good on TV anyway.

Dad wired me some money last week.  I’m scraping by and starting to look for another job.  Hopefully something with a few more hours a week and a little more pay.  No luck so far. 

I hate the idea of living with another person, but hate the thought of asking mom and dad for money even more.  So I  came to a decision last night. 

This morning, I placed an ad on PeterPan – in search of a roommate, a quiet roommate.  A guy of course.  Preferably a foreigner who is in Seoul for a short time.  Ideally, he speaks little or no Korean and will happily keep to himself.  Don't want to have to interact or even see much of him.

Am willing to put up with this for the time being, if it helps pay the rent. 

 

Mar 10 –

Can’t sleep.  Woke up three times already tonight.

Had a lovely chat with Soo-Jin earlier.  She is adorable and we have a good thing going.

Pretended to be asleep when the building manager hyung came knocking some hours ago.  Rent still owing.

Checked the PeterPan site. No hits on the ad.  .

It’s 2am, and I want some soju.

 

Apr 2 –

Was getting ready to it up and call mom and dad for help again.  Then it finally happened today.  A roommate, at last.  Takuya.

Tall, blond and Japanese.  Not sure what I was expecting, but I’m fairly certain it wasn’t him.

He says the apartment is awesome, if a little too messy.

‘Joon-jae-shi! Yah, we need to clean! We need to organize the place.  If we do it together, it will go quickly, don’t you think?!’.  He is cheerful.  And smiles.  A lot. 

And he won’t stop talking.  I specifically asked for a quiet roommate.  I see that he ignored that part of the ad.  He has little patience for questions and answers that squeeze their way out.  Which must mean he has little patience for me.  He asks me a question and then cuts me off before I get a chance to even answer.  Infuriating.

At least, he paid the rent three months in advance.  That is a big help, and one thing I can’t complain about.

 

Apr 6 –

What have I done?  I am not used to this.  Will I ever get used to this?

He is bubbly.  Says whatever is on his mind.   The way he talks and looks at me, right at me...   And all that aegyo.  Too much aegyo.

He is constantly in my space.  Always with the questions.  Wanting to chat.  Gets unnerving sometimes.

On the plus side, he is tidy, a bit of a neat freak.  He insisted we scrub the bathroom (don't recall when I last did that).  We moved some furniture around.  He even cleaned behind the bed and sofa.  The place looks amazing.  Better than I’ve ever seen it.

He said the other day that he suspects a few of the building residents think we are a couple.  He seemed completely amused by the idea.  It hadn't even occurred to me that people might actually think that.  Would've been the perfect time to tell him, 'Actually, no thanks.  I have a girlfriend'.  But of course, before I could get the words out, he had already moved on to another topic.

 

Apr 9 –

Slowly finding a way to go with the flow.  Still getting used to him.

We are sharing a bed and carrying on as if it is a perfectly normal thing for two 21-year old guys to do.   It was meant to be for just the one night, but we haven’t yet discussed setting up the second bedroom for him. 

Strange thing to admit, but I’ve gotten used to him in my bed.  , I know how odd it sounds.  But it’s nothing weird.  It’s just different.  It's nice somehow, and it doesn't bother me.

For the time being, he doesn’t seem to mind either.

 

Apr 18 –

He insisted I go shopping with him.  Pretty much dragged me out of the house.  We went to a music store - turns out he is a pretty decent guitar player.  Said he would teach me to play anytime.  Stopped myself from telling him I wouldn't spend what little money I have on something as frivolous as a guitar.

Then he wanted some shorts.  He must've tried on like 7 different pairs.  He kept going in and out of the changeroom, wanting to know what I thought.  How hard can it be to just pick out a pair of shorts?  At one point, he even dragged me into the changeroom with him.  We got strange looks from the shop attendant, but as expected, he didn't notice or care.  Nothing seems to faze him.

 

Apr 23 –

I have spent a lot of time on my own.  Still adjusting to the fact that there is this other person right there next to me.  Feeling awkward and self-conscious most times.

Still, everything was actually going pretty good.  I got a job interview lined up (still part-time work, but at least, a little better pay).   He is still not what I was looking for in a roommate.  But, he is easy-going and we were getting along fine.  Until last night.

What the hell.  One minute, I am trying on a suit for the interview.  The next minute, he is standing right in front of me, fiddling with my tie and I am pressed up against the wall.  He brought his lips an inch away from mine.  And I just froze.  

Have never felt so overtaken in all my life.  Couldn’t ing breathe.  I'm sure it was all supposed to be a joke and he was expecting me to push him away, but all I noticed was the way he parted his lips and the way he stared at mine.  What the hell.  I was too scared to move. 

I don’t know what came over me.  But I decided to turn his own ‘joke’ on him.  He was not expecting that.  His own back up against the wall like that.  But, what was that look on his face? 

I nearly kissed him.  Should've, if only to call his bluff, surprise him for once.  But of course, I couldn't.  Being that close to him, all my brain could work out was how soft he smelled and how pink his lips were.  He stood still.  And waited.  His breath felt warm on my face. 

My heart ing stopped.  I pretended to laugh it off and walked away. 

Can’t stop thinking about it.

Was I the only one who felt strange?

I'm reading too much into everything, I know.  But I look at him now and there’s just something else.  Can’t put my finger on it, but things have shifted somehow.

 

Apr 27 –

He seems to have forgotten all about the other night.   Thankfully.

Still sharing the bed.  Sometimes our legs cross beneath the covers.  Other times, I feel his breath on my neck.  Sometimes I study his closed eyelids, his lips, the little mole above his chin.  And then suddenly I see him the way he was that night – pressed up against the wall.  And I begin to wonder what the is wrong with me? 

Last night, he shifted closer to me in the bed, 'Joon-Jae, do you mind that I've been sleeping here all this time?' I shook my head.  'It's nice sleeping together, isn't it?  I mean, it's just nice to have someone else sleep next to you.. Isn't it?'  I couldn't think of a thing to say.

Soo-Jin called this morning and wanted to stop by.  I said I was busy.  Said I had been called in to do a shift at work.

I was home all day.  He read manga most of the day.  We played video games for a while.  I didn’t do much.  I don’t know why I lied to her. 

I did go for that job interview.  Didn’t get the job.  Still broke and work still . 

 

Apr 30 –

I find myself looking forward to getting home after my shifts these days.  Have gotten used to cooking for 2.  Used to sharing the kitchen and meals he makes.  Have gotten used to seeing the strange bottles of creams and lotions he has lined up next to the bathroom sink.  Used to seeing the extra toothbrush.  Used to seeing his shirts hanging in the closet and his laundry drying next to mine.  Used to hearing him carry on about his crazy travel adventures.  Used to seeing him curled up on the left side of the bed.

He actually looks happy to see me when I get home from work.  Every now and then, he comes home with beer and a new movie and insists we have a movie night ('You know, Joon-Jae, we should totally have a movie night one of these days', he said recently, 'I could teach you more Japanese!' he laughed.)  I don't think so.  Couldn't survive another one of his Japanese 'lessons'.

 

May 5 –

I dreamed about him last night.  Caught me by surprise.  Can't bring myself to write any of the details in here.  Woke up perplexed, thought of Soo-Jin, felt guilty.

Came home from work half an hour ago, found him still damp from the shower and cooking ramen in nothing but his boxers.  I almost fell over.  He didn’t care.  Greeted me with his usual big smile. Like he was ecstatic to see me.  Said he didn't think I would be home that early.  Yet, he didn’t think to go put some clothes on.  Couldn't look away, yet didn’t know where to look, so I escaped to the bedroom.  Still stuck in here now, writing this. 

Is he toying with me?

 

May 7 – 

Yesterday, at breakfast, we ate in silence.  Then out of the blue, he wiped off a bit of food from the corner of my mouth.  And it off his finger.  Yeah.

It was something about the smirk on his face afterward.  Something about the way his finger left a trail of heat where it’d swiped.   Something about the way it made my head feel light and too heavy all at once… yet, he just looked amused by my reaction.

And then today - I must’ve turned an ugly shade of red when he massaged his face with that weird -looking thing.  Seriously.  Why does he even own such a thing?  

Life is not dull these days.. I never know what he will do next.

Turns out having a spot where I can write this stuff down is not such a bad idea.   My head feels like a train off its tracks sometimes.

 

May 9 –

An unusually quiet Saturday.  He left this morning and will be gone till tomorrow night.  Something about more sights to see and places to explore.  Before he left, he rubbed me on the back, 'Joon-Jae, don't sleep all day, okay?!' and laughed out loud in that way he does.

The place is oddly quiet.  Took a nap, woke up and mentally replayed some of the conversations we had earlier this week.  A tiny part of me wishes I had taken him up on his offer to come along with him.

 

May 11 –

Had another dream about him last night –

We are on a high-speed train to somewhere I can’t even remember.  It doesn’t seem to matter.  We have the cabin to ourselves.  He is (yeah, I know) and for some reason, he is acting like he doesn’t know he is, or that I am there.  I keep trying to get his attention, trying to ask him why he has no clothes on.  But he can’t hear me.  Looks right through me.  Next thing I know, the train stops and he starts touching himself, starts .  The train has stopped.  The doors will open any minute and someone will walk in and see him like that, see me with him while he does that.   He is oblivious to everything… I am in a panic.   I am watching him, calling out, waving… but all he does is moan.  I am ready to dash out the cabin when he finally catches my eye and winks with a grin on his face…

Woke up with a start.  3:25 am.   Flushed, embarrassed, hard.  Found him pressed against me in the bed, sound asleep.  Could not get back to sleep after that.  Went in for a cold shower, closed my eyes and only managed to conjure up a smug image of him wet and in there with me.

Could not face him in the morning.

 

May 16 –

addiction | noun: an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.

Unusually great.  As in, messed up.  As in, can't stop thinking of what it would be like to touch him.  Really touch him, feel his skin.

 

May 17 -

Can’t kid myself about this any longer.  Can’t stop him from popping into my head at random times.  Can’t help blushing when he rests his hand on my thigh or drapes an arm about my shoulder. 

He has snuck up on me like an earthquake.  Can’t take my eyes off him.  Want to be next to him.  That is all I can think of these days.  What the is wrong with me?

His friend, HaeRyong came to visit a few days ago.  She was cute.  He seemed really into her.  And she was all over him at every turn.  They had inside jokes and cozy skinship.  He didn’t want her to leave.  Wanted her to stay the night.  Wanted her to sleep over.  In our bed.

It ing hurt to watch how clingy and familiar she was with him.

I found out his ideal type – long legs, cute face, smiling eyes, 168 cm.  Girl.

 

May 19 -

Stopped at a bookstore on the way home from work today.  Couldn't help checking out manga I know he would love.  Contemplated the thought of buying some for him.  Didn't.

Ended up grabbing a tourist’s guide to Tokyo.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll actually make it there..

 

May 21 -

He is asleep now.  And I have a moment to gather my thoughts.  Rollercoaster of a day.  

Truth is, I had entirely forgotten about the date Soo-Jin and I had planned.  Haven’t seen much of her of late.  Haven’t chatted or texted much.  Haven't missed her, not even after that one night we spent together.

I didn't tell him about her.  And she doesn't know about him.  Seemed like the cleanest way to deal with all of this.

Truth is, I don't want to leave the house today.  And he doesn't understand why.  

He insists I get ready, insists I leave.  (Not that I blame him.  Shouldn't I be thrilled to have a date?  Guys generally love going on dates with their girlfriends).  I just don't want to leave the house today. 

Any thought of her is erased from my mind when he kneels behind me, drapes himself on my back and tugs at my sweater cuffs.  His face is inches from mine.  His lips are parted.  His skin looks so soft.  It's a mystery, but he smells like mint and rain.  His warmth tingles my spine. 

My brain draws a blank.  I am convinced he can hear my heart hammering away in my chest.

Is he like this with everyone? With all his friends?  His guy friends?

Does he do up their shoelaces and hover so close his body is always touching theirs?  Or is he like this with me… only me?

There are a million things I want to know - about him, about these feelings choking my mind, and why he is able to make me feel this way.  The last thing I want to do right now is leave.  Not to go on a date, not to see anyone, not to spend time or make idle conversation with anyone… but him. 

I could go on a date with Soo-Jin.  But when I smile and hug her, I’ll be wondering what he is doing at home.  Watching tv?  taking a shower?  reading a magazine?  When she asks whether I love what she is wearing, I will smile and nod and think about the next thing I can cook for him that will make him look at me that way only he does.  When she looks at me, expecting a kiss, I will close my eyes and see his brown eyes, his pink lips and feel the crackling heat I felt that night weeks ago when we almost kissed.  I will imagine our kiss for the thousandth time and taste his lips all over again. 

All I want to do is stay next to him.  Seems so simple.  But it's ing me up.

It is something random about ice-cream.  His text message.  It could have been about a bar of soap or something silly on TV.  That doesn’t matter.  The thing is that my heart leaps and I don’t think to breathe when my phone chimes and his name pops up.  Seems there is only one place I'm meant to be..

I race home feeling like a lunatic, chiding myself along the way for such stupidity, yet finding it impossible to stop my legs from closing the distance between us.  Can hardly breathe when I get home.  I find him sitting on the sofa.  And all at once, I am struck by how utterly beautiful he is.  By how much I want him, how much I want to know about him..

He says he was starting to get bored without me.  Says he likes it when we are together.  My chest is swelling and thudding again.  I am so close.  So close to telling him everything.   His eyes settle on me with such warmth, his voice is soft.  He is in front of me and his hands are tugging at my loose shoelaces again.

I know in that instant, without a shadow of a doubt – there is no turning back.  If there were a turning point, I know now that I missed the curve a long while ago.  And I can’t get back. 

I am so close to telling him everything.  Where do I start?  What words do I use?  How do I tell him that he has uprooted everything I have known to be truth up to this point?  That I have no idea when or how things got this far?  

I am close.  Close to telling him that I am falling.  Have fallen in love.  With him. 

I am close.  But I am also a coward. 

 

May 29 –

This is new.  These feelings racing through me.

I didn’t feel this way with Soo-Jin or the first girlfriend I had before her. 

I wake up every morning with this pit in my chest, this anticipation, this need.  And it spreads a little more every day.

I'm scared.  Because I know falling like this will certainly end in hurt.  At the very least, I will make a giant fool of myself.

9 missed calls from Soo-Jin since the failed date.  Saw her texts too.  I am a ing coward.  I even briefly considered blocking her number.  I know I shouldn’t be doing this to her, but I can’t face her right now.  What do I tell her?  Not ready to tackle any of that.  I need to sort out my head.  Just can’t face her right now.

 

June 4 –

day.  Woke up feeling utterly depressed.  Didn’t feel like going to work (which worked out because my shift got cancelled).  Didn’t feel like staying home either, but couldn't bring myself to even go for a walk.   Called Mom, got her voicemail.

Decided to try reading.  The book was incredibly dull.  He was sitting right in front of me.  His too loose t-shirt was hanging way low on his shoulder, his hair was still wet from his shower.  Couldn’t ing focus. 

He started telling me about all the places he has plans to visit next year, after he has saved up some more money.  I listened blankly and couldn't even pretend to be enthusiatic for him.  All I could think of was that he would be returning to Japan before too long.

Really trying to keep it together but today just .

 

June 12 -  

Out of the blue last night, he clung to my shoulder and asked me why I liked him.  I am never prepared for his questions.  Was not ready for that one either.  Has he worked it all out?  Why would he ask me that?

Couldn't think fast enough, felt my heartbeat pounding in my head.
Then I blurted out - "you're pretty".
Dont know why I said that. Must've been the lamest possible answer because he completely ignored it and took a phone call instead.
Wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

 

June 15 -  

Keep trying to work out at what point I could've put a stop to this.  Why am I so caught up in this?  Why does he have to leave?  Why does it have to be so hopeless?  Even if I could find the courage to show him what I am feeling, what would be the point?  It is a choice between telling him and getting rejected or waiting in pitiful silence for him to leave.

He once asked me why I like him, and I keep asking myself the same question every day.  Some days, I can write a long list of the reasons I like him.  Some days, all I know is that when I wake up in the morning and look at him lying there next to me, I wish I were wrapped around him.

Other days, love doesn’t even seem like an adequate word.

 

June 19 –

It happened sooner than I thought it would.

Like a dam bursting.  The damage is done.  It is all out in the open now.   Soo-Jin dropped by unannounced, took one look at me with him and asked if we are dating.  Everything came apart at the seams after that point.

I don't know, I have wished for this moment and dreaded it at the same time.  Now it is here.  I told her.  My head is lighter.  My chest is lighter.  And everything is a mess.  Soo-Jin knows.    Takuya knows.  

Don’t remember the last time I cried so much.

He knows.  And everything is as I feared.  He shut down and wanted to be left alone.

 

June 20 –

Briefly thought of ripping the pages out of this journal this morning.. then realised without this outlet, there's no telling what I might do.

My whole body is sore.  My chest hurts.  I don’t know what aches the most.  That he packed up his bags and left.  Or that I learned his true feelings by overhearing some random phone call he made...

'It would be hard to stay friends with him at this point...because I like him too', he said.  HE LIKES ME.

Takuya said those words.  But not to me.  To some random friend on the phone.  He actually said those words.  And then sat  there at the bus stop, ready to leave and not look back.  After all these months.  After everything.  Maybe it is easier for him.  What was I expecting in the first place?

Stood there at that bus stop, lost for words.  Didn’t know what to say to him.  Didn't know what to make of that look on his face.  I am so used to seeing him smiling, confident, unfazed.  He almost looked scared.  Still, he said nothing.

Wanted to go down on my knees and beg him to stay, but already knew his answer, and could not stand the burning humiliation like salt added to the wound.  There wasn't so much as a hug between us, just this heavy, heavy silence. 

Maybe I should’ve pleaded.  For one more week, one more day.  But I didn’t.   

 

June 24 –

Week from hell. Didn't make it to any of my shifts this week.  Pretty sure I lost the job, don't care. I feel like .

I miss him.  So much.

Brought up his number on my phone about 25 times.  Couldn’t ing call him.  Re-read all the silly notes he's ever texted me.  Doesn’t change a thing.  I miss him.  Feeling totally lost.

And when you think things can’t get any worse… I find out today we all need to move out.  The apartment building will be demolished in a few months.  It is not up for debate.  I need to pack up and move and start afresh somewhere else.

Mom suggested I come to Thailand, stay with them for a little while.  Can’t.  Just can't imagine doing that with everything the way it is right now.

 

June 27 - 

At first, I was sure I was dreaming, because there you stood.  So close to me.  Only been a week since you left, yet it feels like  a long year.  How is it possible that you can be even more beautiful than I remember?  

That day and those moments with you linger in my mind and give me more strength than you could ever imagine.  It was like a dream, because in the morning, all that was left was your impression, your scent on the sheets, the pillow.

We sat on this bed and made quiet confessions with our eyes.  Your gaze was sad when you thought I wasn't looking.  You looked at me like you were really seeing me for the first time.  Could hardly keep my eyes off you.  Wanted your arms around me.  Wanted to touch you.  Wanted to crawl to you, kiss your lips, rest my head on your chest...  Wanted to so badly.  Would you have held me close?  I didn't have the courage to find out.  You made idle conversation and smiled in your usual way, as though tomorrow we would be doing this all over again.

I saw the words you wrote down before you left.  Understood why you came back that day, after this awful week.  You did your best to comfort and reassure me, without speaking the words we both feared.  You poured your warmth into me and for a while, I imagined the past is completely behind us, over and done.  Never thought I could be so in love with anyone.  Can't seem to remember how I carried on day to day before you came.

You sat here next to me and gathered me up when I was ready to let the pieces lie. I will always cherish that. 

It meant more to me than you will ever know.

 

July 9 –

Keep asking myself -

What if I had said something earlier on?  Would you have left sooner or would you still be here?

When did your feelings change?  Did you know how I felt about you, did you guess?  Why did we do nothing?

Would all this be easier to handle if I hadn't overheard that conversation.. If I didn't know how you felt about me?

Seems pointless wondering about all this now, but won't be able to stop thinking about you any time soon.

What did you like about me?

 

July 17 –

Feeling isolated, anonymous.

Then your voice.  After all these weeks.  Wishing me a happy birthday.

Heard your smile, crystal-clear.  Pictured the curve of your lips.

Yes, I do pick up after myself and cook once in a while.

I don't tell you that I truly enjoyed my cooking because you did.  I don't tell you about the apartment’s demise.  I don't ask if you are living alone. I don't say much.  Before long, you say goodbye and hang up.

I tell you I love you after I hang up the phone.

 

August 8 –

Had not heard his voice in weeks.

Could've just texted him, but could not curb the urge to call.  Must've taken me an hour to rehearse what I would say. Finally called him yesterday evening.

His voice is breathy and excited as he answers the phone. Music blasting wherever he is, loud laughter next to him. Sounds like his Friday night is off to a great start. I say the words as evenly and calmly as I can manage –

There is a letter and a package here for you, from a foreign address. They have been sitting here for 2 weeks. Would’ve forwarded them to you by now, but I don’t have your current address. If you would like them sent to you, you can tell me your address. Or email it to me, if you like.

I hear him smile, right before he tells me he will text me his current address. I sense he is expecting me to say something else, but I at small-talk and allow the pause to drag on a little too long. He is at a good friend’s birthday party, he says. I make my excuses for calling just then. He laughs and tells me to shut up about that, Call me anytime you feel like it, he says before hanging up. He texts me his address a minute later.

I google the address another minute later and stare at the street view.

He calls me back some hours later and wakes me up from sleep. He sounds tipsy and exhausted. For a sec, I imagine he is lying right here in the bed next to me, and I am pulling his sleepy body into my arms. He tells me he was glad to hear from me earlier, said he was sorry he hadn't been able to really chat just then, said he realized I would likely be asleep, but felt he needed to call me back. His words tug at me, and my body feels instantly warmed by the long exhale he breathes into the phone.

 

Aug 29 –

There is no turning back now.  Packed up.  Everything ready for storage.

Told mom and dad what I am about to do.  That this was no last-minute, spur-of-the-moment decision.  Told them a short version of the truth.  Mom was ready to get on a plane and come rescue me from myself.  Dad said – you are your life’s own author.  Everyone must learn to take a risk before too long, as long as they are willing to live with the consequences.  Never one to mix his words.

I lie awake again.  Dizzy with anticipation. Quiver in the pit of my belly.  Have spent restless weeks thinking about this.  Eventually, I hit a wall and found images of you splayed all over it, one overlapping with the next.  The need to know, need of you, your closeness – stays bubbling under my skin.  Have recounted all the ways this could fall flat, go terribly wrong.. yet the alternative is unfathomable.

Next week seems a whole other world away.

 

Sep 4 –

Felt high and exhilarated on the flight.  Tokyo!  Left the airport in a taxi and began to feel my stomach twist and my palms sweat.

His place was easy to find.  No directions needed.  One minute I am knocking, the next, there he is at the door.  What a sight. Trembling in my legs. 

His face said it all - that for once, I'd actually managed to take his breath away.

One look at him and it seemed like all the strain, fear, tears that brought me to that moment had fizzled to an insignificant blank.

2 whole days have gone by since then. 

2 days being a part of his day-to-day once more.  Close.  Hearing his laugh.  Falling harder and deeper. 

2 nights in his arms.  His touch, beyond electric.  Yearning beyond words.  Our bodies break the tense silence that has loomed heavily over us these past months.  He is calm, where I am a nervous wreck.  He is soothing, where I fear disappointing him.  He comforts and slows me down, where I fear losing the moment.

I no longer have to feel like I'm eavesdropping on someone else’s conversation.  Somehow, he and I understand this language, no lesson needed.  

Here and now.  His.  I am his.  In every way.

 

Nov 15 –

Read the words in here from top to bottom last night – laughed and cried.  What a year.

There are too few pages in here to express everything Takuya and I have lived these past months.  Together...

I met his parents and brother.  Scariest day of my entire life and somehow, I managed to survive it.   Met some of his friends. 

Dad knows about us, mom does not.  One day he asked about Takuya, and the words just poured out unchecked.  I told him I am in love.  He was not expecting any of it.  Can't say he is fine with it, but at least now, he is resigned to letting me 'sort things out' for myself.  He thinks mom will have an emotional breakdown if she finds out (and I'm inclined to agree).  So for now, she has no idea.

My Japanese has improved a ton (he mocks my accent sometimes, and then I remind him that his Korean isn't all that phenomenal either.  I remind him that he once asked me if I liked 'jaji' on the very first day we met.  Then one day he said he actually meant jaji all along!)

Got a job last month, managing a little shop in Okubo.  Next year, I hope to try my luck at school again.

Have not been back to Seoul since I left.  Wrote a long letter to Soo-Jin not long after I got here.  No reply, but at least I got some things off my chest. 

We took a nighttime walk from Shibaura pier to Odaiba on the famous Rainbow Bridge.  Went to 2 gay bars in Nichō.  Could not deal.  So not my scene.  Thankfully, he laughed as I squirmed and didn’t mind a bit.

We are heading to Jeju island for his birthday in 3 days.  Just the two of us, someplace quiet.   All I could ever ask for.

We are comfortable, entangled the way we are.  He still thinks I sleep too much and eat too little...

I still think he rivals the stars.  Still mesmerizes.  Takuya still stops my breath.  

 

 

THE END.