The source of her depression was unknown but it was eating her insides at a scary place and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to breathe easy soon. Music fills her ears, dramatic emotions overflowing with every strum and beat, each artist’s voice arousing her feelings and confusing her sanity to the extent where she was unable to differentiate between the pain and awe, the admiration and her suffocation and between the assumptions and the actual reasons.

The computer screen in front of her wasn’t helping her either. Her fingers hover over the keyboard, eyes fixated on the empty document, the cursor blinking impatiently, taunting her to make the first move. Only she wasn’t sure how. She wasn’t sure about what was causing this emptiness and she found it almost impossible to express herself, rendering her usual stress relieving methods useless, leaving her at a loss. Tears were pooling in her eyes but even they refused to fall, driving her to the edge with no release from this confinement.

Her friends claim that she is not acting normal, labeling her attitude as ‘off’, ‘weird’ and ‘too much’ but she reassured them saying that she was fine. However, every morning and night she’d feel the same emptiness, reminding her that she is incomplete and that she needs something desperately. She remarks to herself with sarcasm, how helpful it would really be if she held the slightest hint about what she really needs but reality decided to throw her into an abyss and her calls for help is lost with the wind.

This feeling isn’t necessarily. Her emotional soul had put her through a contrast range of feelings, allowing her to break down into a million pieces and then leaving her alone to pick up the pieces by herself. She hadn’t been all that angered by the situation because during them all, she was aware. She had known what was happening, why she was feeling whatever she was feeling and the pieces that were scattered; she knew where to find them and to put it back. Right now was new and it was making her feel the abundance of pressure due to the ambiguity the situation held.

His arms wrap her in his embrace by her shoulder and she doesn’t even flinch. She rather sighs hard and falls into his chest, alarming him. He rests his chin at the crook of her neck, his warm breath tickling her bare skin, without warning and somehow she finds a sense of comfort spill out to fill the pit in her stomach. He waits there, just breathing, waiting for her to explain herself but she is silent and she is not sure what to tell him either even if she wanted to. So they stay silent, stay immobile as he looks at her face from the corner of his concerned eyes before deciding to break the ice.

‘Don’t be this way…’ he speaks; his voice almost a whisper and she shivers. ‘Don’t hurt alone. I am here.’

She digs her nails into his arms and he hisses at the sting that follows. He sees her struggling, squeezing her eyes to its limits in a desperate attempt to spill the tears that wouldn’t fall. It worried him, scared him to be honest. He’s seen her broken but this was not understandable and things seemed to be a mystery, especially when it was about her. She holds on tighter and he lets her, blowing air slowly next to her ears, in a bid to calm her down. He wasn’t sure what else would work because he was exhausting his options and he felt her heart beat against his arms and it was not steady.

It had been recurring lately, a fact that she refuses to clearly acknowledge. He recalls how she had brushed it off calling them ‘mood swings’ and as just ‘stressful times’, smiling widely to assure him that she was okay. Back then, the smile was real, the only reason why he was convinced that she was okay as how she claimed. He was convinced once again a month later when he found her at the corner of their bed, curled up into a ball and lasting music through her headphones in full volume. She had smiled the same way and told him that she had to unwind but only he knew how his heart almost stopped when he kept calling her name all around their apartment and she didn’t answer because she had shut herself off from the world. He let it go with concerned thoughts lingering, prodding at him but he eventually did let go.

He was completely not convinced when he came home one day to find her under the shower, clothed and soaking wet, eyes staring at the wall opposite to her with no aim. He had hugged her tight and pulled her out of the bathroom like she was dead weight as he saw her snap back to reality, eyes softening at the sight of him and the realization of the situation. She had smiled again and told him that she was stressed and needed to ‘cool off’ but he still remembers how his hands fell to his sides with the dryer still running, the buzzing sound only keeping him grounded to reality. He couldn’t digest the fact that she was smiling at him in an attempt to calm him down but the way her smile looked was soulless and broken and simply empty, killing him.

‘Jimin…’ she calls him out and he drops back to reality. He breathes heavy against her as he waits for her to repeat those three words that had long turned into a used up and discarded lie and he didn’t know how his emotions were going to lead him to react as he braced himself for the words ‘I am okay’ to his senses.

‘What is wrong with me?’ she asks and his world crumbles.

They were both career driven people and life always had them on the run. Their weekends were precious but lately it’s been getting lost in prepping for the following week. Despite loving each other so much, the time that they spent together had been constantly degrading and Jimin hadn’t noticed that until her first panic attack under the shower. He could nothing but blame himself for not looking after her well enough and not seen past her guise her smile had been putting up. He had apologized the very next day but she had only hugged him and assured him that he was not lacking in any way and no one else could ever love her the way he does. When she smiled again, it hurt him because now he doesn’t know when sincere and when it was lying to him. The very smile that made him fall in love with her was now able to deceive him.

So he had decided to up his game. He was not ready to lose her to depression and he decided that was going to give his all. He had took her out, bought her stuff, got her CDs of her favorite artists, filled their room with their favorite flowers, made weekends memorable by doing things she loved to do and also surprising her here and there when she least expected it. For almost two and a half weeks, the plan had worked well, that he found himself distinguishing the genuine and worrisome smiles and also felt the guilt within him easing out. All was great until he found her again, sprawled out on their bed with no lights switched on in the room, staring at the ceiling with no life in them, and senses barely reacting to the music blasting off the system.

Now he knew that it wasn’t the separation because every waking moment that he wasn’t at work, he had been spending every waking moment that he wasn’t at work he had been spending it with her. Now he knew that it wasn’t his fault and it only hurt him more. ‘She might have a condition.’ His friends had suggested. ‘Maybe it is best to see a doctor?’ Suggestions as such exhausted him despite the genuine concern behind it all. However, he didn’t want to believe that something was wrong with her, that something could actually break such a strong woman and it somewhat threatened him. When he suggested this to her, well knowing the answer, she had refused to agree for a checkup as expected. He decided to take a couple of steps back and see how she tries to handle a situation like this now that she is clearly aware of it. Even if she had pride over her strength, she also had enough pride to fix herself without anyone’s help.

And he was right.

She started to depend more music, investing herself to genres that made her happy and involved herself into dancing, a way to release stress as she called it. She began writing down her thoughts and inhibitions that haunted her from time to time and then tore those pages or deleted the document from her system, once she got rid of it all and claimed that she felt better after that. She made sure that she slept well whenever she got the chance, sometimes even slept in during weekends, escaping reality momentarily and allowing her to revitalize her energy. Jimin was nothing but overjoyed at the improvements and found him praying hard for this to continue. He would’ve have thought that they were on the clear if he hadn’t come home earlier today and found her this way, desperate, clueless and a dangerously empty expression on her face.

Warm drops of water hit his skin and he was glad that he was finally crying. It was almost as if the acceptance of the fact that something was wrong with her, allowing to finally express better the emotions she had been trying to suppress all long. His insides ache as he saw her visibly tremble in his hold, wondering what could break her into a withering mess as she was now and wondered how she was going to build herself back up.

‘It’s probably just an effect of stress.’ The doctor had told him when he had gone to consult one for his own peace of mind, a week ago. ‘The symptoms you are describing do not really suggest something worse such a bipolar disorder yet and simple therapy or her own will power can help her deal with this. However, if this escalates, we might have a problem.’

The last sentence seemed to echo in his ears as he turned her seat so she could face him and met with her tear stricken face, pleading for help.

‘Tell me what is wrong with me!’ she suddenly bursts out, demanding an answer. ‘Why am I so broken and helpless? Something is wrong with me right? I am not able to tell what or why though! I cannot find the reason for this breathlessness and it is suffocating me. I am not right! I am not okay! I am possibly just mad!’

He stands there, hands holding her shoulders firmly as he listens to her rant. His mind is processing all that she is saying and his heart feels the relief when every question he’s ever asked her, received an answer. He didn’t want to interrupt her moment and let it all dump it out in the open but tightened the grip on her shoulders with every passing minute, assuring her that he was here and he was listening.

‘You are going to leave me aren’t you?’ she asks and his eyes open wide is disbelief. ‘I know if not now, you will soon. I’ve been nothing but a mess and because you are a good man, you stayed. If this is what is going to be the rest of our lives then it’s not just you, no one would want a part of their lives to be involved in this. I know for sure that you are going to leave.’

Dumbfounded by looking at how he was there in front of her, frozen to his spot, she felt that her heart rate was rising. She wasn’t sure what took over her and how she got the strength but she had poured out every bit of fear she had housed within herself. She knew that something was wrong from the first day when she had that episode and she had simply assured herself that she was just stressed out. Every other time she found herself drifiting into such situations, it took a huge deal of her strength to stay alright. When there was no strength left, she broke and every single time he had found her. His concerned expression and helpless eyes were present without fail along with him and it hurt her further that she put him through all this. If she had any control over this, she wouldn’t hurt him this much. If only she understood why this was happening to her, she would spare them both the pain. If only… was all she could say or wish for. She wanted to disapprear right then and she would’ve if he hadn’t been holding her shoulders with such a firm grip, as if there was no tomorrow.

She snorted at the use of such a metaphor realizing that there may not be a tomorrow for their relationship.

Her thoughts were violently cut off as he grabbed her by her wrist almost suddenly. ‘Come.’ He says, almost commanding and she follows him with confusion. He pulls her along to their terrace and they are welcomed by the never ending sky, painted golden now thanks to the setting sun. She finds herself in utter confusion when he turns her around by her wrist, pulling her in front of him, her back flat on his chest, and his hands around her waist. She finds the he had on her surprising but also wondered if he was trying to make a point as she closed her eyes, bracing herself for whatever was going to follow.

He saw her eyes flutter open as he kissed the sides of her neck, sending impulses so hard that sent her to the edge. She almost jumped but his grip held her in place, as she jerked and fell back on his chest with a whimper. He took a moment to see her face, traces of golden outlining it beautifully and his heart skips a beat when he saw her lips part with a heavy sigh. He remembered all the reason as to why he fell for her so hard and deep and also got reminded how he is still falling. He then rests his chin on her shoulder, calling her name softly, just a whisper in her ears and waits till she got her eyes completely open so that he could talk.

‘What do you think when you see the sky?’ he asks and she turns to look at him with a completely lost expression. ‘Just tell me…’ he prompts and she takes a deep breath to answer.

‘I think that they are endless. It seems to be a representation of what our lives can be. The clouds, you know, I call them memories. Each is its own but they are what make the sky beautiful and complete. The stars are the precious ones, the memories that are totally unforgettable. When they come out, you cannot help but smile or admire its beauty. Sometimes they are rare and at times they are abundant but their value is always the same.’

He watches her get lost in her thoughts and notices how her eyes twinkle at the clarity that her senses have suddenly found. As opposed to crying, her lips were moving with interest, a slight curve forming at the corner of her lips and he knew he was going the right way.

‘When do you hate the sky the most?’

‘When its empty…’ she says without missing a beat. ‘It seems lonely and sad. Without the clouds or the stars, the whole thing is simply depressing with no proper reason. Its almost a necessity that something must be present.’

A slight smile forms at the corner of his lips as he asks her. ‘And what do I say in retaliation?’

Her neck snaps almost instantly as she turns hard in his hold to meet his glossy eyes look at her with so much love. Her heart shuddered against her ribs at the realization as to what he was doing and a new wave of tears took over her. She spoke as the tears spilled, refusing to break eye contact.

‘You would say that the sky is never really lonely. You’d say that even if there are no clouds or stars, the sky always has a color. It is always there to define what the sky should be and it will never abandon it as well. They canno exist without each other.’ She trailed off, tears choking her at the throat.

‘And?’ he asks, his own tears threatening to fall as he loosens the grip around her waist, allowing her to face him completely.

‘You always say that I am the sky and you are the color…my color.’ She whimpers, a smile showing up amidst the tears.

He takes a step forward and kisses her forehead and allows her to rest in the crook of his neck. They stand there, breathing lazily, in each other’s embrace as they watch the sun set, allowing the sky to change colors with every passing minute but never leaving it completely. They may not be okay right now, she may not know what will happen to her right then but she knows that he was never going to leave and she knew now that they had a tomorrow and she would do whatever it takes to make it last. He held her close and felt her breathing finally calm down and he understood his message. As long as she existed, he wasn’t going to leave, because black or blue, the sky always had a color that made it’s existence true.