Hello, Heechul hyung.

I wanted to write this down, though you'll probably never read it, because I'm never going to show it to you, I just wanted to  let out all my thoughts, things that have been boucing around in my head, and that I fear you might make fun of me with if I ever told you about them. I know I'm never showing you this, but I wanted to write it for you anyway, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to actually show it to you, and you'll probably understand one of the biggest mysteries of the world.

What might that be? You wonder.

That would be loving you.

I know you think it's ridiculous to make a letter to explain why I love you or what loving you actually means, but I needed to do this, I don't know, my mind works in funny, strange ways sometimes. I know loving you is not the best thing that could happen to me, I have that totally clear in my head. There's other, less traumatic things I could be doing. Like sitting in the grass outside finding figures in the clouds, or going to the movies (or going to church and actually paying attention to the Pastor, but that's beside the  whole point, it's your fault), or simply sitting here doing nothing.

Loving you is not the best thing, but I really like it. Maybe Leeteuk hyung IS right and I AM a masochist. I'm stuck here doing whatever you want instead of distracting myself doing productive or non productive things, like watching TV or being on the internet like everyone else.

I have recently concluded that loving you is not the best thing, but it's perfect to find any sense in whatever I do, to find a way to break this routine of being another simple human being. There must be a reason why I love you, and I'm staying here to find out what it is. It gives a certain sense of thrill to my life to love you. Loving you makes me suffer, but that's such good luck... It reminds me that I exist, that I feel, that I am one of God's creatures and I can be hurt, but I can also be made happy. It makes me have something to think about every day when you are not there, and every night when you are by my side. It helps me live. 

Loving you is a poison that goes through my veins and is mainly the thing that keeps me alive, it is a torch that turns back on whenever someone attempts to turn it off. It's the sublime, the beautiful, the perfect, along with the pointless, the stupid, the nonsensical. It's what I feel, and nobody else should care but me.

It's the most truthful lie, it's the best out of the worst that's ever happened to me. It's the Russian Roulette every time I try to get a kiss or a hug from you, it's the same thing every day, but improvised, it never happens exactly the same way, but it just is.

Loving you is a total mistake, says a friend, who thinks that being happy means being free, but he misses the colors given by the uncertainty of loving you. 

It's a second in my brain, but a whole year in my heart. It's also having hated you a few times, but then falling instantly back in love with you.

Loving you is absurd, it's ridiculous, it's pointless, it goes against every single thing I've ever believed, it goes against my principles, my religion and my family, and we know.

And that's the way we want it to be. And it will be this way for as long as it lasts.

Because I love you.
 
 

Okay, so this is my first time posting here and I really don't know if anyone is gonna like this, but I like it and I shall keep it :3

I hope you like it!