____

{31}

Even if it was silent and tense, I couldn’t help but put my hand on Tiffany’s knee. I just wanted to touch her a little longer, it had been so long since we got to touch and kiss each other. How can I do this again? Our problems were rushing straight to my brain and it hurt from the inside out. I didn’t want what we had to go to waste. “TaeTae, come on, before people get more pictures of you.” Tiffany touched my hand and I jerked. Right, people might take pictures of me for even being near her. I slipped out of the car and followed Tiffany inside a building. “I live here.” Oh. She brought me to the dorm.

“It’s a nice building.” Sleek and uniform with other apartment buildings, it was close to work, it didn’t stand out much, it seemed perfect for Tiffany and her members.

“Yeah, I like it here, but gotta be mindful of neighbors,” she said as we slipped into the elevator. She pressed a button and more silence enveloped us. God this is hard. I could barely contain myself. I wanted to kiss her and yell at her and run away from her all at the same time, but I had to wait to do anything. We needed privacy.

Tiffany punched in a few numbers of the dorm’s keypad and we shuffled in, kicking off our shoes. Damn they have a lot of shoes. Footwear lined up along the walls and in shoe racks, there had to be at least 50 pairs. “Come on, Babe, let’s go to my room,” Tiffany took my hand and a part of me swelled when she used my pet name, but I still couldn’t say much. I let her pull me into a light pink bedroom, past the living room and kitchen. It looked like she didn’t share her room since there was only one bed. The closet was chock full of clothes and there were even two other racks lined up with outfits. A keyboard was laid flat next to the closet and the walls were decorated with fan letters, signs, and pinned up quotes. Wait a minute. I stepped closer to a framed quote, smiling a little. I still remember, at one point, I thought you were my angel but I realize now that you’re just like me. Imperfectly human, with your good and bad moments.

“Was this your favorite line?” I pointed and she looked at me, blushing hard. I grinned a little more.

“Yeah, it stuck with me, but don’t worry. I gave you credit.” I noticed the tiny dash in the corner, the initials ‘KTY’ followed with a tiny heart. I was so foolish back then. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and I sighed. I still am though. “Before we do this…” I gripped my jeans but let go. I knew we had to fight. She knew it as well. It was inevitable, we were flustered with anger. “I love you.” It felt so inexplicably good to hear it out loud, right in my ear, in a voice as sweet as hers. I was starting to forget how that sounded.

“I love you too.” I turned and gave her a quick kiss, trying to savor the calm before the storm. But we pulled away and when my eyes opened, hers became fiery.

“You know I don’t want you coming here,” her voice shook. Was she really going to be that upset with me?

“I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t handle it until June, I had to see you,” I insisted and she let out a deep breath, crossing her arms.

“I want to protect you. We don’t go to the same school anymore, I’m not in the States anymore, it’s hard for me to see you being here. It scares me. The fans will tear you to pieces, if not them, then the media.” It was always the fans’ and the media’s opinions before anyone else’s.

“I know what I signed up for, Tiffany, you were already an idol when we decided to get together. I can handle some overbearing kids and nosy photographers. I can take care of myself.” It bothered me how she was so overprotective of me. I understood, but I was an adult. I could take care of myself.

“Then why didn’t you think more? You walked in the street baring your tattoo, Taeyeon! Do you think people would just let that go?” If you didn’t want me to get the damn tattoo, you should’ve said so.

“Okay, I’m sorry about that, I forgot to cover it up. I usually don’t back home and it was already weird for me coming here and seeing your face everywhere I look. Covering my tattoo just didn’t come to my mind,” I insisted.

“If you’re going to come here at all, you can’t forget! Fans joke about me being gay, but we all know they’re seriously thinking about it. If a girl starts strolling around with a matching tattoo as mine, they’re going to explode!” I never knew that Tiffany was ever suspected as gay.

“I’m sorry if I’m not ashamed of loving you, Tiffany!” But why did it matter if she was? Sure, it was true that she was bi, but as long as no one knew it’d be fine, right? As long as they don’t see her with anyone, it’s fine. I got a bitter taste in my mouth.

“You know that’s not what I mean, Taeyeon. You know how I feel about you. My company has terms and rules about our relationship. They already dislike that I visit you every time I have a break, pulling this stunt could really hurt the way they go about our relationship.” I clenched my jaw.

“Well, it doesn’t even matter right? As long as people don’t call me or anyone of your others up, it’s fine. Everything’s a secret,” I grumbled.

“What the Hell are you talking about? I’m not cheating on you.” I scratched my head, frowning.

“I’m in Korea. Do you think I didn’t visit that restaurant you told me you were eating at?” She said nothing and it only broke me further. She was hiding and it hurt me knowing that someone could mean that much to her. “If there’s someone else, please tell me…”

“There’s no one else.”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do! I said that before we started this didn’t I?!” But did she mean it?

“Then why did you lie to me?” A few tears escaped and I furiously wiped my eyes. She didn’t move, which only gripped my insides, before stomping to her bed. She pulled something out from under her pillow.

“Fine. I wanted to surprise you, but clearly you don’t trust me enough. Here,” she tossed me a thin package. It was a hot pink booklet with her face on it. I opened it up and found a CD, track list, and photobook. “I was recording for my upcoming solo. It’s releasing in the summer and I asked them to put together a rough version of the album so I could give it to you when I see you in June as a graduation gift.” I blinked. She’s having a solo? That was huge news. After years of being identified as just another girl in a group, she had the chance to distinguish herself and her style of music. I knew it probably meant the world to her. And she was busy putting together a rough version to give to you. As much as I was relieved that she wasn’t cheating, my guilt intensified. It was always a problem; I was always a problem.

“I’m sorry.”

“Do you really think I’m that low? Do you really think that I’d go behind your back and sleep with someone else just because you’re not here? Who the do you think I am?!” I winced. It seemed so logical at the time. I hardened my expression to keep going, unwilling to back down.

“Can you blame me? You’re 6000 miles away from the closest friend or relative we have! It’s lonely and it’s hard being in this relationship, who’s to say you won’t cheat on me?”

“ that! I’ve never even bothered thinking about other girls or guys like that! How dare you look at me like I’m some easy ?!” I pinched my nose.

“I never said you were an “easy ”!” I snapped.

“You implied it. I would never do that. You should know me better than this!” she slapped my arm and I grabbed her wrist, trying to calm her down a little.

“And I know you’re an intimate and needy person. You thrive on attention; you crave for it! I figured if I’ve thought about it then you’ve certainly thought about it.” Wait.

“You’ve thought about cheating on me?” , I didn’t mean it like that. “Who the are you?!” this.

“It feels like you don’t care anymore, okay? It feels like I’m the only one still thinking about us and that I’m the only one who still wants this to work so yes, the thought has crossed my mind, but I would never act on it.” I didn’t mean it but I still said it. Why did I say that? In a second, Tiffany’s eyes got red and tears started falling off her cheeks. I couldn’t help but feel an ache. Why did I say that? I promised I would love her and only her, think of her and only her. Why was I lying and breaking that promise?

“Why can’t you trust me? Why don’t you just put your faith in me? Why are you still like this? Why? Why do you have to think and act all by yourself, like you’re alone?” Because I feel alone without you near me, without you agreeing with me on where to take our future, I’m alone.

“I don’t know, Tiffany. I don’t know. If I could stop being insecure and paranoid I would stop but I can’t and…I just can’t.” I sat down on her bed, breathing with a hot chest. My mind whirled.

“Do you trust me or not?” I looked at her, full of tears and pain and uncertainty.

“No.” I couldn’t say that I did. She cried a little more and I clenched my fists, letting tears drip onto my hands. “You’re too far, too vulnerable, too beautiful. No matter how hard I try and how much I want to, it won’t be 100%.” She stepped in front of me, falling to her knees. It’s been over 12 years; why can’t I trust her wholly? It’s all I wanted, a secure relationship with the woman I’ve fallen in love with, but the one thing I could control didn’t work out for me. “I can’t give you the security we need. I’ve always been this way when it comes to you. As long as you’re here, I won’t be able to trust you. I won’t be able to trust myself. I want a life after college, I want a family. I want children and to raise them with someone I love.” We were back to this argument, but Tiffany already stated her case. She couldn’t become the woman I wanted her to become, she couldn’t become a mom. There was no hope for the children I wanted, no hope for the life I desired. At least, when it came to Tiffany.

“This is what I love, Taeyeon. This is my passion. I hate hiding you and I hate hiding who I am, but these are the consequences with my career. I can’t leave this life, at least, not yet. And even when I do, people are always watching. I can’t be where you want me to be, the woman you want me to be.” I knew that. I’ve always known that, but hearing it shut the door for any possibilities. “I don’t want to have to choose between my best friend and my passion, you know I can’t choose.”

“Well I’m making you choose.” It wasn’t fair to her and it wasn’t fair to me, but I couldn’t help but want more. “I want you by me, Tiffany. I want to work this out knowing I can just walk over to you and we can talk.”

“I can’t just drop my life here, Taeyeon. There are people, fans, staff, they count on me to be here.” I groaned and pushed back my hair. The lull in our words stressed me out, until she spoke again. “Maybe this…just isn’t working out.” A punch of lead hit me in the face. I thought about the time we fought like this, back when I first told her we should get married. She was right, I can’t live like this.

“Maybe it isn’t.” We never both gave up. I think it surprised her too; she looked up at me with more desperation and hesitation I’ve ever seen her have. I could see her heart breaking. Maybe we’re just done. It hurt so bad, so damn bad.

“Can we just…” I looked at her. She came closer and my pulse quickened. “Pause?” her lips brushed mine and I shivered, wincing as she pushed me onto the bed and against the wall. My hand drifted up her thigh and she groaned into my mouth, pulling me even closer to her until our hearts synched. She tore my shirt away and fear leapt into my throat, but she kissed me again, and all was right.

____

What have I done? I gasped, staring at the ceiling of Tiffany’s room with said girl pressed up against me. The feeling of her skin on mine was so intoxicating, I could barely think about the consequences, my actions. I took a deep breath, but the smell lingered, and I closed my eyes. Why, why can’t I let go when I can’t trust her? I sat up and stepped around, slowly pulling my clothes back on. The adrenaline was still in my veins, euphoria making my limbs groggy. “Tae?” Don’t call me that anymore. I barely got my shirt and underwear on when Tiffany’s hands took my waist, bringing me back down.

“Fany…” I tried brushing her off but she stayed, lingering around my shoulders and nape. Her grip tightened. We stayed like that, basking in emotions and still trying to get a hold on our sanity.

“Remember that night where we shared our first kiss? Yuri passed and we got drunk?” I sighed but nodded. We decided that night was our first kiss, no matter how long it took for us to officially get together, it was the start of something back then. “I lied. We didn’t make out that night.” I turned around and raised a brow at her. She stared at me with longing. She said that I kissed her and back then we were both drunk and not in our right minds, so we made out forever until we were too tired to continue. “Even if you can’t remember, I refuse to let this be our first.” Oh.

“Wh-what? Why didn’t you say anything?” she looked away but still held my waist.

“I panicked. That night, Michelle found us and I begged her not to say a word to anybody. We were drunk but I thought that you’d remember, but you didn’t, even when you remembered our kiss.” I tapped my fingers along the bed, trying to understand. Was I mad? No, I was kind of thrilled. “I’m the one that took your ity, not that Isa girl or whatever her name was, it was me so you better forget about that . You’re mine.” She’s too possessive and I’m too insecure. What the Hell were we thinking? What was I thinking? “Stay.”

“Stop, please, no more. We can’t…I can’t do this anymore.” I looked away when the blanket fell. She grabbed for some clothes before I could meet her eyes.

“Then why did you say those things? Kiss me like that, touch me like that? Tae…” she pulled at me again, breaking more of my resolve with her sweet words and calming touch.

“You know it, Tiffany. We tried to do this and we lasted a long time, a very long time. Let’s just quit while we still can,” I turned away, biting down on my lips as she held me tightly. I shrugged her arms off and ignored her hands clutching my jacket. “We want different things, need different things. We tried, but we can’t.” I stood. I tried and I fought, she tried and she fought, but it wasn’t enough. I was so exhausted and so done with our conflicting views. I hated how I was starting to resent her leaving me, I hated how I was starting to look at her and feel pain. “I thought you agreed with me.” She lowered her head and I looked at the wall. I stared at my words she framed.

“I-I do, I’m just scared,” she confessed and I let out a deep breath, trying to think.

“You’re my first everything, Tiffany. And throughout our relationship, I really did believe that we would end up with each other. You’re so special to me, but we have to admit to each other that our situation won’t allow us to last forever.” My voice couldn’t stop shaking. I could feel the regret clouding my eyes but I forced it down.

“I know,” she muttered. I picked up my wallet and phone, putting them in my pockets. Is this it? I looked at Tiffany, knelt down, and lifted her face. You are a part of me.

“Thank you for everything. I love you, Tiffany Hwang.” I knew I wasn’t willing to put up with anymore, but a little part of me wished that she would still deny our breakup.

“I love you, I’m sorry.” But it was okay if she accepted it. She kissed me gently, trailing her fingers along my cheek. The little touch sent chills straight to my brain. I leaned away but she still held me close, touching my face. What is she doing? “When can I see you again?” I couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“Should you be asking your ex that?” I was now a part of that long list she established in high school.

“You’re more than just my ex.” I hummed and caressed the apple of her cheek. She was breathtaking.

“I don’t know,” I replied and I found myself starting to drift as her lips took mine, unable to part. In the back of my mind, I could hear voices, telling me to stop because we were supposed to be over and breaking up with someone wasn’t supposed to end up in and kisses, but despite everything, I was in love. Letting her go meant moving on and after sticking with her for so long, what was I supposed to do? I forgot how it felt to be single. “I have to go…” I leaned away, out of her reach, and she leaned back as well. I could see the red dusting her skin. She looked so pitiful. I kissed her head. Please don’t forget. “Bye Tiffany.” She gripped the blankets and didn’t reply. Too much? I sighed and opened the door, leaving Tiffany behind. She didn’t say another word to me.