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{3}

I’ll be home soon, she said. When I come back we’ll talk, she said. I love you…she said. I tapped my head as I stared at the white walls, playing with the lapels of my lab coat. Tiffany went back to South Korea, two days after our talk. Those two days were incredibly awkward and tense for us as a couple. She still slept in my bed, still went out with me. I didn’t want to look at her but Tiffany continued to do things normally, as if nothing was wrong. It feels like everything is wrong, though. I pushed myself away from my desk and rubbed my burning eyes. “Taeng, you okay?” I looked up and saw Xiumin looming over me, his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t tell him yet.

“Can we talk about it over lunch?” I asked and he nodded.

“Dr. Huang requested you in Cardiology, high school students are coming in for blood donations and he needs help taking blood pressure, prepping patients, and drawing blood,” he told me and I stood up with a nod.

“Why me? Why didn’t he ask you if you were right there?” I wondered.

“You have a steadier hand and you’re better than me when dealing with adolescent patients,” he shrugged, patted my back, and I went down a floor to the specific room. My studies specialized in cardiology so many of the doctors exposed me to related procedures. I washed my hands before entering the room.

“Morning, Doctor,” I bowed slightly and Dr. Huang smiled. I was suddenly reminded of Tiffany’s jealousy.

“Taeyeon, you’ll be set up in room 308. You’ll be getting patients A through G, ask for their name, look for their form, fill out their pressure and then proceed to take a pint if all looks well,” he told me and handed me a stack of appropriately named forms. Holy there’s so much I thought I was only assigned 6 letters?!

“Y-yes, Doctor, I’ll go there right now,” I bowed again before leaving to the room he gave me. I sat down in the stool and set out the papers into six piles, based on their last names. Gosh, this is already tiring. Then the door opened and I forced myself to focus.

Another medical student filled in my position by lunch and I took out my phone to text Xiumin to meet me in the cafeteria. I grabbed my lunch from the break room and made my way to the first floor. I recognized my high school friend and sat at the table, sitting in front of him. “Who knew teenagers were so willing to give out blood?” I sighed and slurped up my noodles.

“Lots of athletes do it, plus it gets them out of school,” he shrugged and I nodded. “So, how’s it been? You’ve been a little out of it,” he noticed and I slowed down my chewing. I set down my chopsticks.

“Tiffany and I got in a fight…sort of,” I mumbled and he straightened up. “She doesn’t want to get married and then she said we won’t last long.”

“Did she really say that?” he asked and I shrugged a little.

“She sort of hinted the second part, but she really doesn’t want to get married,” I clarified and the two of us sighed deeply. But hinting is practically the same thing as saying.

“So, she doesn’t want to get married, what’s the problem? Why does it make you upset?” he asked me and I bit my lip, tapping the table with my fingers.

“It’s like looking at your hand and seeing a royal flush and then putting it down to realize you had a high card!” I threw my hands up and stared at my food, shoving more noodles in my mouth.

“Wow, you gamble way too much,” Xiumin noted and I scoffed. “Can I be honest? Tiffany never seemed like the marrying type.”

“Really?” I lifted my eyebrows innocently and he nodded a little. I felt myself pouting and rested my head on my arms.

“She’s a good girlfriend, she’s done a lot for you and makes an effort to look good in your eyes, but she’s not a family woman like you are,” he started off and I looked up to listen better. “Tiffany’s independent, so much so, it hurts you every day. She can’t stay away from her job, she can’t be with a family that you want and certainly can’t be there for as a doctor. And that’s another thing! She doesn’t even want a family; she hates kids and vows not to have her own. You want children, two or four of them; you had to have thought about that.”

“I just thought she would let me…” I admitted softly and he sighed.

“She’s too proud, Taeng,” he reminded and I stared at the ceiling. She’s not a family woman? She’s not marriage material? “How are you going to continue being with her?”

“Don’t talk like that, Xiumin,” I growled and he shook his head.

“You still want to marry her? Be with her even if she won’t give you the family you dreamt of?” he continued and I dropped my head into my hands. Do I?

“I love her; I can’t just give up on her! I waited too long to finally be with her, I’ve waited so long to talk to her about marrying me,” I told him and Xiumin took a bite out of his burger, shaking his head again. “What? What?” I whined.

“I like Tiffany, she’s a good girl for you, but I don’t think she’s the girl for you,” he said and I pursed my lips together. “I get that you love her, you’re insanely in love with her, but she’s not going to give you a family and she’s not going to make you happy in the long run.”

“How long have you been holding onto these thoughts?” I murmured and covered up the rest of my noodles. I lost my appetite.

“Taeng,” he sighed and I gestured for him to say. “A long while, a year or two, maybe more,” he shrugged and I stared at the table. “You say you’re aware in love but you’re just as blind as anyone else; you love her so much and she loves you so much but now both of you are going about this blindfolded.” I stood up and picked up my lunch box. “Taeng…” I couldn’t listen to him anymore. I couldn’t think. Not the one? I’m blind in love?

“I’m going back to the room, I still have patients’ blood to draw,” I mumbled and he nodded once. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Don’t get distracted during work, you have a needle,” he reminded and I hummed before walking away.

After my last blood draw I was free to freak out and think about things other than the procedure of finding the perfect vein. I’m good for at least a few minutes. I leaned back against the wall and took a few deep breaths. Ugh, I can’t even keep a straight thought. The hospital was not the appropriate place to sort out your future. There was so much tension and sickness everywhere, I didn’t feel safe to think at that moment. I collected my things and left the room, walking around to find other students so I didn’t feel so alone. The workplace was so intimidating, not only because I was a mere intern, but I thought about the patients and how a number of them could die at the slightest flaw I made. I can make or break a life. I didn’t really think about that when choosing to obey my grandparents, but it was too late to turn back, and the responsibility was now mine to bear. I feared I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure when it mattered. At the same time, I understood that not everyone could become a doctor and that it scared many of my classmates away before or even during their job shadowing. The closer I got to graduation, the more the fear and desire grew. Suddenly I felt my pager buzz and I pulled it out. God this stupid thing it’s so old why? However, I felt everything drop into my legs as I read the message, sent by Dr. Huang, telling me to get to the E.R as soon as possible. He must’ve sent out a group message since, along with me, four other familiar students eventually started flanking me towards the E.R. “What field do you usually take?” I looked to my right and noticed he was talking to me.

“Cardio!” I replied and the five of us swept down the main hallway to get to the almost separate emergency area.

“Oh my God, I’ve never been called to the E.R.!” one other guy whined and I shook my head, inwardly as freaked out as he was. What does the doctor want with me?! Upon arriving at the E.R, the other students were sent in different directions for different patients. I picked out the important words: young teens, mass suicide attempt, they drove the car off of the road.

“Taeyeon! Post 28, she’s experiencing moderate external bleeding, most severely in her left arm, I want pressure and bandages! Check for a concussion and give me triage in five minutes!” . I ran over to the correct bed and carefully took over from a nurse.

“Please bandage up her leg, it doesn’t look severe,” I told the nurse and she followed, wrapping up her right leg in fresh bandages. I turned to the patient and pressed three fingers along the gash in her left arm. Concussion questions. “Can you tell me your full name?”

“Jieun. Lee Jieun,” she replied and I nodded. I had no information on her, so I had to assume it was her real name.

“Okay, Jieun, can you tell me what happened? Do you remember?” I continued and took the bandages, squeezing the cotton around the bleeding forearm.

“We were in a car and then…I don’t know, we all said yes to something and suddenly it was all off the road,” she replied and I hummed, treating to her other cuts. She’s not severely injured, at least, not as some of her friends. I grabbed a small light and checked her eyes; her pupils followed the light and didn’t flinch. I pressed my fingers against her neck and carefully counted the pulses while watching the clock for six seconds. One hundred and thirty beats per minute, higher than normal but not too stressed out. She’s cool under pressure.

“How many fingers?” I held up two and she replied with the right answer. She’s really not injured that badly. “What seat were you in?”

“I was in the back, in the middle.” It’s not a dangerous position. “My seatbelt was on.”

“That’s good, that’s good. Your injuries aren’t severe at all, mostly minor cuts except for this one nasty gash. You don’t have a concussion either. I advise you to just sit back and try to calm down a little bit while I go write down your information, okay?” I rested my hand on her arm and she nodded before I looked for my supervisor. “Doctor! Post 28 is at a 5, she’s not severely injured or bleeding, no concussion, and seems to be calm.”

“Good, estimated discharge?” he wondered and I shrugged.

“A couple of days, maybe call in a psychologist for trauma,” I said and grabbed a form, filling it out with Jieun’s information.

“Page Xiumin, I want you two in charge of these teens after we move them all,” he ordered and I took out the pager. Wait all of them?  

“All of these guys?” I repeated and he nodded.

“You work well with young patients, you both do, so step up with this group,” he told me and I bowed a little.  “You guys are taking the night shift.”

I watched the specific panel that corresponded with the teens’ beds and glanced back at Xiumin, who was groaning as he laid on a bed. “Why? Why? This ,” he moaned and I rolled my eyes. I turned to the clock; it was about 11 at night. Oh my God, I’m going to pass out.

“Xiumin, I want to sleep so badly,” I told him and suddenly a couple of lights flashed and we both whined. I glanced at the panel before sitting up. “You take the left and I’ll take the right.”

“They better not be asking for a way to leave, little ers,” he cursed and we trudged down the hallway.

“God who knows what they want at 11 o’ clock?” I wiped my eyes and the two of us quietly walked into the room, 8 beds arranged inside. Xiumin went towards the girl on the left while I turned to the right. I realized it was the one I helped hours before. Lee Jieun. “You called?” I hummed and she nodded slightly while I sat down by her legs. She seemed a little nervous, so I put my hand on her foot. “No concern is too small.”

“Will our parents know about this?” she asked and I suppressed a smile. Did I ever worry about my parents learning things in such extreme situations?

“Your parents have already been notified and are allowed to visit starting tomorrow afternoon,” I told her and she sighed deeply. “Are you a senior?” I wondered and she nodded. They might all be seniors in high school, gosh, wanting to die so early. But then again, they must be stressed out of their minds. “All of you are placed on suicide watch, you know that, right?”

“But I honestly don’t want to die, I just zoned out and suddenly we were plummeting off a bridge,” she mumbled, crossing her arms.

“You can sue for things like that,” I noted and she shrugged.

“The guy’s my friend, I don’t want to sure him,” she said and a part of me commended it. Loyalty, it’s hard to maintain nowadays.

“You and your friend should rest, you have a professional coming in tomorrow and your parents might stop by,” I advised and she leaned back against her pillow. Without a thought, I spread her blanket over her and patted her hand. “Things will be alright, Jieun,” I told her and she hummed, slightly smiling at me. She’s cute.

“Thanks, Doctor,” she mumbled and my heart swelled with pride. I’m someone’s doctor.