___​_

All I was trying to do was see my girlfriend, it shouldn’t have made me so anxious whenever I walked around the city. My heart almost burst every time I passed by a store and heard Tiffany’s voice or saw her face. I never knew her group was so popular, but it seemed like everyone had at least some idea of who my girlfriend was. It was strange. Tiffany was famous here. She was so admired and fawned over. I couldn’t see her success as well in L.A., sometimes when I went to Korea Town I saw her posters and heard her music, but I never saw her on TV or endorsing companies. All of her effort paid off.

I kept my travel to myself when I first landed in South Korea. I knew that my home country was a place I haven’t been able to see often and if I approached Tiffany on my first day, I wouldn’t be able to spend much time with her anyway.

A few days into my trip, it became Christmas Eve. I woke up and stretched on my bed, rolling in the mattress. I pushed my hair back and sighed. I ate good food, saw beautiful palaces, and walked down dozens of streets.  I wasn’t sure what to do now. I laid in bed, looking through my phone, when it buzzed.

Sent at 9:23 a.m.

Sica: your had to tell me you were in sk! i’m here for a wedding that ended yesterday, meet with me!!

Sent at 9:23 a.m.

Tae: My ? You mean Xiu? XD Yeah I’m in SK, don’t tell Fany, I’m surprising her.

Sent at 9:25 a.m.

Sica: he told me, text me your address and let’s grab food!

Once I had the drive to get dressed and out of bed, Jessica was already knocking on my door. The last time I saw her was over a year ago. I still remembered the conversation we had, where she insisted that the flaws Tiffany and I had were insignificant to the fact that we loved each other. Every time I saw Jessica, I felt like something was on my mind. “Taeng!” she hugged me tight and I laughed, holding her back. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too, I assume you’re doing pretty well since you’re willing to travel for work?” I guessed, closing the door as we walked to the elevator. She beamed at me.

“Yeah! Work is going really well, I’m happy with where I am so I was thinking about taking it easy for a little longer,” she added as we slipped into the elevator, tapping the button. I sighed once I heard her. Finally, she’s taking a break.

“That’s good. You work a lot and always excel in every event. You deserve a break,” I patted her head and she smiled, leading me to her car. I took a deep breath in. The air wasn’t as clean as it was back home, but it was better than the mugginess of my hotel room. “Where are we going?”

“Just somewhere nearby, Tiff once said you prefer sweet things for breakfast so I hope you’re not dying over here.” I groaned as I sat in the leather passenger seat of the two-door. I loved my heritage and my culture, it was no doubt a heavy part of who I was, but I got tired of the traditional food quickly. “Let’s grab some waffles.”

“God, I need some sugar to start my day,” I let out a deep breath, tapping my fingers along the door handle. The streets were so cramped in Seoul. It was like they were afraid of making anything too big in case someone wouldn’t be able to reach.

“I’d think kimchi is a pretty good punch to start the day.” My stomach growled at her words.

“Oh my God, too much kimchi.”

Sitting across from Jessica made me pay even more attention to her appearance. She was always stylish and pretty; every part of her seemed delicate yet stern. I hadn’t realized that she was grown up. I looked at her and saw the talks out by the bleachers, the midnight dinner in California, the teen who stood by me, especially since we didn’t see each other on a day-to-day basis like I did with Xiumin. “What made you decide to come out here to see Tiffany?” she asked, snapping me out of my stupor. Should I really tell her? I wasn’t certain of my decision either, but I was fairly aware of what pushed me. My fork poked one of the waffles.

“Um, remember that girl I took care of at the hospital? You talked to her a little bit at the party…” The look in Jessica’s eyes wasn’t at all comforting. She put her tongue in her cheek and leaned back. It was so easy to feel threatened by her.

“Yeah, Jieun, right?” she asked and I hummed, scratching my head.

“Mm, well, I can’t remember if I told you about this but I think she has feelings for me. Did I ever say that?” I wondered aloud and Jess bit her bottom lip, staring at the corner of the table.

“It wasn’t hard to see. She was like you and Tiffany, always wanting to be around you, wanting to talk to you in any way.” Did Jessica see that much of Jieun in those five minutes they saw each other? “So what? She confessed to you and you freaked out so flew out here because you don’t want to break the kid’s heart?”

“No, that’s not what happened,” I rolled my eyes, biting a chunk of waffle. “She told me that she was taking a break from volunteering at the hospital but that she decided to go into medicine as her major. She called me an inspiration to her.”

“It’s like she knows you,” Jessica hummed and I raised an eyebrow. “You thrive off stuff like that; you love being important to people in as many ways as possible. It’s not a bad thing, but it can be a weakness…kind of like now,” she pointed out and I let out a deep breath. “So, what’s the problem with that? Don’t you like inspiring people, despite whatever bias they may have?” she crossed her arms and I shrugged.

“When we were talking, I got a weird vibe from her,” I mumbled, resting my face on my hand. I got shivers, letting the sensation slip through my spine.

“What vibe? Like, an ‘I’m going to find a way to make you mine’ vibe or a ‘you better leave your girlfriend and or else’ vibe?”

“If I could, I would throw something at you right now,” I deadpanned and she grinned. My leg started to shake, rattling my chair and filling up the silence. “It was more like a…’I have really strong feelings for you, but I’m giving up’ sort of vibe,” I hummed. Jessica tilted her head a bit.

“Elaborate,” she waved her hand and I sat up straighter. Was my chest always this heavy?

“She’s known from the beginning that I was in a long distance, committed relationship and she still let herself develop feelings for me. I don’t know, I think she made up this thing in her head that eventually I’d break up with Tiffany or we’d drift apart peacefully. I’m not sure, but whatever Jieun was thinking, I think she believed that I would find her more appealing than Tiffany?” I guessed, tapping my chin. It was difficult to say. Tiffany never dated anyone I wished to replace so I never understood that feeling. Even though I got jealous, it didn’t seem quite the same. The only thing that I felt like I could relate to her demeanor was the longing.

“So what’s with the ‘giving up’ part?” the blonde leaned forward and I picked my fork up, poking my soggy waffles.

“Hell if I know, maybe she got tired of me talking about Tiffany every time I was around her, maybe she got tired of how busy I’ve been making myself at the hospital, maybe she got tired of thinking that our age difference was manageable. Whatever it was, I could just feel it in the way she talked to me and the way she looked at me.” Jieun’s gaze was a very lonely, very empty yet piecing gaze. As if she so desperately wanted to fill her eyes with something, but could only settle for looking. It was something I was very familiar with.

“How would you know?” I blinked at Jessica.

“Are you seriously asking me that question?” I asked and she opened before the realization hit her. She shifted in her seat, trying to ebb away the awkwardness.

“Right…” she nodded. “Well, she had that strong of feelings then?”

“Even if it is, it’ll pass once she spends more time away from me and meets other people,” I sighed. “But yeah, it was a very reminiscent aura. To be honest, I’m kind of upset that I made her feel that way. I know it’s really painful.”

“It’s not like you can help it, you’re with Tiff. Long distance or not, the girl had to come to terms with it,” Jessica insisted and I hummed, acknowledging her words. “What does she have to do with you coming to Korea?” I let out a deep breath.

“Jieun’s kind of a flirt, so when I saw her so somber around me, it was kind of off-putting. I just…I don’t want that to happen to me,” I admitted with a deep breath, emotion filling up my eyes. “I don’t want to get tired of being in a long distance relationship, I don’t want to get tired of waking up at weird hours to talk to Tiffany, I don’t want to get tired of putting in effort. Seeing Jieun made me realize I could. It hasn’t happened and, make no mistake, I’m so in love with Tiffany, but there’s still a possibility. There’s a possibility that I’ll wake up one day and want nothing to do with her anymore, that it’ll be too much. Or worse, that Tiffany might feel that way. And I got scared, so I flew out here to see her and refresh my memory.” It sounds so stupid out loud. Jessica seemed to be even more lost in her thoughts. Does she understand this?

“Taeng, I get that you’re scared when it comes to Tiffany. I know you love her to the very depths of your heart, but maybe you should’ve told her about it instead of flying out here.”

“Yes, that was an option but I miss her, Sica. It’s been a year, and I do want to tell her about how I feel but I think it’d be better for me to say it in person,” I insisted and she started chewing on her lip.

“Her job isn’t like ours, there’s no routine in her daily life, people like us can’t just search up what an idol’s life is like. Who knows what she’s doing right now?” Jessica said and I sighed, pulling out my phone. “What are you doing?”

Sent at 10:40 a.m.

Tae: Morning Hun, watcha doing?

Sent at 10:41 a.m.

Fany: <3 i’m eating breakfast with my members at a place called ‘the corner’! wat are you doing?

“Sica, didn’t we pass by this restaurant on the way here?” I showed her the phone and Jessica’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, it’s a block down!” she jumped up, on her feet before I could even suggest it. “Let’s go scare the out of her!”

“Oh, now you’re into the idea of seeing Tiffany?” I said and she punched my arm.

“Shut up! She’s not just your girlfriend, she’s my friend too!” She’s not just my girlfriend. I followed Jessica outside, having paid the bill, and we hopped into her car with ease. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her, more than you, so shut up and keep reminding yourself that you chased after her for a reason. She wants to be with you and stay by your side so…don’t think your relationship is that easy to discourage.” I didn’t realize that being away from Tiffany had a physical toll on my body. I could feel my energy rising, my nerves bouncing. I missed her terribly and every part of me only strengthened the feeling. “Here.” Jessica swerved into the parking lot, finding a space in no time. I jerked a little from her harsh driving. “We’ll talk more later, but right now let’s get inside and deal with Tiffany. She’ll no doubt shout and scream and cry.”

“I hope no one recognizes them if she starts crying,” I shivered, popping open the door. But as I turned to face the restaurant, I stopped and my heart plummeted straight to my stomach. The restaurant was closed.