It was a relief, to tell the truth, when it came out.

Too long had I lived in fear of being exposed; too long had I stared after the weaklings being dragged to the back of the school to be beaten up; too long have I thought 'That should be me beaten to a pulp'; too long have I shut my eyes and anticipated the first fatal blow.

When it finally came, it didn't even hurt.

No, what hurt was not the blow.

It was the disgust written on faces that once used to smile at me.

*

Back then, my dad did everything in his power to protect me. Because of the bullying, we relocated; moved to Korea. He got me started on Wushu, taught me how to protect myself, made sure the scene that occurred in middle school would never occur again. 

Back then, I had no doubt my dad truly cared for me.

Would it have been the same, had he known the truth about me?

But I stopped looking at the negative side of everything once I got into SM. The hard life of a trainee all but drained the life from me - but it was good. For once, what worried me the most wasn't being the odd one out, the loner - my fear was the same as every other trainee: Not being good enough -and it felt good to be the same; a part of a team.

I suppose that's how I got into Exo.

Looking back, I can laugh bitterly at the irony. The positive change that SM brought to me at fourteen was the result of me being a goldfish, but now that it was in the light, the home which had been SM had thrown me out, and that momentary saviour had turned into a curse.

Sometimes, I feel like cursing at the blue skies; sometimes, just throw my head back and laugh humourlessly at my ironic fate; but I stay quiet, not doing anything. I don't want people thinking I'm a bigger lunatic than they already thought.

Lunatic.

Freak.

Stay away.

Come any nearer, and you'd better watch out.

Curses from five years ago still rang clearly in my head. I could see Luhan's bright eyes widening, as he stepped away from me, watching me like I was some monster.

"Hyung, please: I'm sorry"

To that, he said nothing, but stepped further away. I looked down at the wet bathroom floor, puddles forming at my feet. Why couldn't I hide it? "I didn't mean to..."

"Don't." He said. "Don't say anything."

I looked up. He had grabbed a towel and wrapped it around, covering as much of his body as he could. Understandable. Anyone would ....in the presence of a goldfish.

I don't know why my heart raced when I saw him ; I don't know why the blood left the rest of my body and rushed to my ; I don't know why my breath hitched each time- all I know is, it's always happened: but this was the first time he's seen.

His eyes bored holes into my active crotch, which helped neither of us. My heart was in my mouth, I found it hard to swallow. I couldn't even find the energy to cover myself, nor the heart to.
It was all over, wasn't it? This unrealistic dream of debuting as a performer, a dancer, a singer, an artist, a rapper... all evaporated after this stupid bathroom incident.

"Freak."
The word burns. "Lunatic."

One look at Luhan, and heat pricks at my cheeks again. I can understand his disgust... what would he have felt when I touched him from behind like that? All he'd asked was the innocent request of spreading soap on his back.

Innocent.
Not like me: a ert.

I'd jumped when he asked. I read the situation all wrong. My hopes, for that instance, soared.
I moved too close, I touched too much, I became hard too fast, but worst of all, Luhan felt it against his skin, and by that time, too late had I rea