I had committed to memory every single detail of this ceiling above me. The creamy white color that painted it, and was tinted with little gray swirls as a finishing touch, I knew it. I may even be capable to tell how much meters it does worth, even though I at math or whatsoever that was related to meters. I stared at it a lot, not because I like it, but because it’s the only direction where I don’t feel ashamed looking at, after doing what I have done, what I always do.

                “Kibum”

I should not answer, I cannot. If I did, my tears would betray me like they always do. I can’t trust them any more, they always did humiliate me. I got up, picked up my stuff, and went out of his room, out of their room.

The cold breeze hit my filthy, wet skin that smelled like him. But I didn’t care, I didn’t feel it too. I hated myself so much at that moment to give a damn about how the weather was like, let me get sick for all I care. The only feeling I do feel is a dark fatal shame, the only voice I do hear is his deeply special spoken language, and the only scent I smell is his intoxicating unique odor.

The traffic light signal has opened and closed so many times, I lost count. The cars in front of me were passing by so quickly, messing up my short clipped bangs with its strong sent air from under the wheels.

I eventually walked; I cannot stay on the street forever can I?

                The warm water of the shower ran down my slim white figure, rinsing all the traces of his sinful touches. I opened my eyes to meet the reflection that’s in front of me, the reflection of a sinner I awfully dread; me. Unconsciously, my eyes fell to meet a little squiggly purplish spot he had caused to my skin, he marked me his when I’m not. I grazed my finger upon it, feeling every single pleasure once again, hearing his needy husky voice calling only for me.

I quickly removed my finger from the spot, in desperate need to disconnect away from all of these emotions. I am nothing to him, I should feel nothing too. Yet, Kibum, why can’t you just walk away? Why can’t you say enough? Why must you hurt yourself and others as well?

Because you’re nobody, no one loves you, no one ever well. And he, he only wants you for pleasure. You’re his shameful little secret, nothing more, nothing less.

                I lay down on bed to stare at yet another ceiling, but this one was nothing like his ceiling. Unlike his ceiling, mine made me feel secure. Made me feel that one day, all of this will turn into something beautiful, just like how Cinderella’s fairy godmother turned an ugly dress into a gorgeous blue long gown. My ceiling was my fairy godmother, sounds stupid but I believe it. Close your eyes Kibum, tomorrow is another day, a better day I hope.

                ‘Sorry about last night, meet me tonight?’

                I scanned the little line of letters, showing on my cellphone little screen. I know that I should refuse, no I must refuse. But I can’t, not when my fingers are moving on their own accord to type its submissive agree. Why am I so weak, I’m not like that, I have never been like that. He… he had tossed a spell over me; he controls me, so bad.

                I’m here again, with him. I’m seeing his smile that’s radiating in front of me, but my eyes were looking around, looking for her.

                “She’s not home”

                He says, of course she isn’t. Or else, why am I here?

                He’s getting closer, placing down his glass of red wine that looked like a freshly squeezed blood. I know what’s next; his eyes show what’s next. And I was right; he placed his hands securely on my stuck out hipbone, bringing his mouth closer to my ear, nudging every nerve in my body into an uncontrollable shudder.

                Now here I am, once again face to face with his ceiling.

                “Kibum”

                That’s my cue I’m leaving, but this time forever.

                Because I am something, I should be something. I might not be something big, I might not be something that’s worth it, but I’m something. I’m not his toy of pleasure; I’m not a sinful strayed hoe. I stepped out of his house this time, knowing that I’ll never return.

                “Goodbye Kim Jonghyun, all the best for you”

                I muttered lowly, he might have heard me, or he might not. But I don’t really care, he got her, he won’t need me anymore. I, on the other hand, need myself back.

                Six months,

                That’s how long I haven’t seen him; I miss him. Lying won’t do me good, I do miss him, but I’m doing well. I heard that he got married, three months ago; he’s no longer a free bird. Though, he never once stopped texting me, considering the fact that I have never replied to him, he still tried. Frankly, tried too hard, wasn’t he happy?

                ‘Just one more time, let me see you’

                I read one of his so many texts, should I agree? Seeing him again won’t hurt, right?

                Wrong, I’m seeing the ceiling once again, seeing him one more time did hurt. I’m seeing the ceiling I bid goodbye to six months ago; I’m feeling the feeling of total shame. I was wrong, seeing him once again was so, so hurtful.  

                “Kibum”

                My cue…

                “No wait,”

                His hand fell to be on top of mine, holding me tightly on the bed; unable to move. What is he doing? Wasn’t I supposed to leave now? Wasn’t she going to be home soon?

                “I only want you, no one but you”

                What is he saying, what’s all of this? Is he aiming for round two?

                “I left her; I couldn’t get you off my mind. Forgive me, please forgive me”

                His sobs pierced my ears as he held on so tightly on me from behind; he was shaking, repeating his pleads of forgiveness. I was confused, I couldn’t make up my mind, and the world now was nothing but a big piece of abstract clay. I, absentmindedly, muttered…

                “Let’s change the paint of the ceiling first”