When the teacher told me to write an essay about a person I care the most aside from my family, I immediately thought of this one boy who had been my flashlight through the years.

This boy, now a 19 year old young man had grown too much that I barely know him anymore, it’s funny though, he thought the same for me. I told him that if I realised it too late, I will bear it myself so I’m all alone on this.

It a little over the year now, I knew things would change. He changed, but how can I blame him? The boy who used to chase me around grew up to be a man who is strong enough to live without me now. I decided to ignore it at first but then I begins to miss the sight of him waiting for me to finish my book, him calling me to meet at the swimming academy, his touch, his voice calling my name. That’s when I know, this hard heart of mine had fall for him. I thought I was confused. I thought I just missed his presence around me cause I’m used to it but before my mind thinks about it, my heart knows.

This strong facade of mine still remain but at night I can’t help but to wonder. We still chat once in a while, he’s doing better now. Come to think about it, I never watch his race and I think I lost the chance now. I still check up on him secretly and just like I expected from the genius swimmer, he managed to win already. I still kept his medal too, safely with all of our written letters,cards and childhood pictures in the box. The medal was his last present anyway. He kept his promise, the promise I lied I didn't remember.

I’m beginning to stray away from the main topic so let’s get back on track. Why is he important? Easy. I spent over 3650 days with him, that’s more than 120 months, 48 weeks and 87600 hours and countless of happy moments. I basically grew up with him, we play together, laugh together and always there for each other, at least he always did. When I was a child, there are times when I thought he was my world but then the girl became colder as time passed. I am not the girl who used to stick the band aid on his heart when his mum died or the little girl who ask him to promise many things, I am the lady that made him wait all those years just because I was too afraid of losing him.

To be honest, I wanted to tell him so many things, I wanted to tell him all my worries and secrets but I let my ego win. I wanted to appear fearless and independent and I guess I made him thinks that I doesn’t have any space for him in my world. When he gave up, do you know how badly I wanted to tell him to wait? I didn’t know my feelings yet back then but as I look into his eyes, I can feel that he sincerely wanted to give up. The hand that always used to hug me tight hang loosely around my shoulder as he bid me goodbye that chilly night. In that moment I know that Go Eun Byeol, had lost her biggest war so I fake up a smile as he told me that he will not stay away from me. He always the one who commits to whatever he says but you see, distance always an enemy.

Dont get it wrong, we didn’t end. Our friendship is too precious and it wouldn’t be swayed by just few words but the talks did become less, conversation becomes formal, hug turns handshake and then yes, we will eventually drift apart. He have his dream and I have mine. Knowing him, I know he still cares but I also knows I am not on the top of his priority list anymore. I may get over this feeling later in the future and as I look back at this essay, I can smile and reminisce the good times. But there will be something that I will never tell him,

You are my first love too,

HYA.