Chanyeol always liked singing, or music in general. The way music would echo in the bathroom when he took a shower was startlingly ominous, yet gave him a pleasant shock when he could feel the rumbling bass at the soles of his feet.

Whenever it poured, he would always sit in his room and wish he could be out there to hear it up close instead of behind a glass door where the sound turned dull and muffled. It fell against the patio deck with its monotonous patter, water soaking through the wood and dripping three stories down and onto the concrete below. Mold peeked through the cracks, green and black substance slowly making its way up towards the sliding door.

As a kid, Chanyeol would set variously sized items outside and see what kind of noises they made. The glass jars would created very low pitched tapping sounds until the jar began to fill with water, noise getting higher and higher until he’d go out to empty them, starting the process all over again. Plastic bags and sheets of tin foil were also on the list, getting soaked in the rain until Chanyeol would take it back inside to replace it with something else.

Eventually his mother banned him from ever setting foot out there ever again because she said the old wood would give way and he’d get hurt, but Chanyeol knew she was lying. She had gotten mad one day because he had set her flourescent red high heels out there to see what kind of sound they’d make. Those days seemed to have no purpose, but to Chanyeol, they were days of interesting endings.

Now in high school, he was easily recognized as the ‘tall giant that played on the basketball team’. He never had a problem with people thinking he was weird for the things he liked. With popularity came understanding, and he had blended in purely for the fact that he had liked basketball and made friends with almost everyone he encountered. Basketball became his top priority ever since they had won the championships for his first year. He had still liked singing though, and only decided to take the first step of getting out there after meeting his the love of his life.

He never had found anything in particular about his voice that was was amazing, maybe just the fact that it had gotten so low during his last year of middle school. His singing changed drastically due to this and he felt ashamed of it. None of the other kids sang that low during chorus class and he would always stand in the very back while they performed, mouthing the words so that the teacher wouldn’t mark him down for insubordination.

“You have a nice voice.”

Chanyeol stumbled back a bit at the sudden voice, toppling into a stack of chairs as he came across another boy from his class. He thought he was the last one to leave for the day since he had refused to take his individual singing test and was forced to clean up for the day for his teacher.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

The boy helped Chanyeol push the last of the chairs to the side, proceeding to sit on the high stack. Even with the stack of chairs under him, the boy didn’t nearly reach Chanyeol’s height, his chestnut brown hair barely making it up to his chin.

“Uh, thanks…”

Chanyeol took his time cleaning off the dust on his hands before looking at the large stack of chairs. It was the only way to get extra credit for not taking the test. He wasn’t allowed to let his grades slip since he needed a certain GPA in order to play basketball with his team.

When Chanyeol had turned back around to leave, he saw the same boy still staring at him, big eyes and thick lips catching his eye before he had slowly gone to grab his backpack. The boy didn’t move and stared at him shamelessly, following Chanyeol’s every move until he had gone home. Later on, he found out that the boy was a year younger than him, and that they’d had chorus together since the beginning of the year.

His name was Do Kyungsoo.

The more Chanyeol talked to this boy, the more he’d start to feel something ignite within him, as if his entire being would turn warm and fuzzy just by thinking of him. It had started from the two of them, just staying after school on the days they had class together. Chanyeol would clean up because he missed another test while Kyungsoo would stand on the side and watch. The boy had a knack at making Chanyeol do things he’d never even dreamed of doing before.

He proposed for Chanyeol to start rapping in the first place, which sounded stupid to Chanyeol, especially since he was a singer, not a rapper. Rapping was for those people that could be genuine, but since Kyungsoo had been so adamant about it, he ended up looking up a bunch of lyrics of recent songs and going to school the next day to see Kyungsoo eager to see what progress he’s made.

Chanyeol didn’t see what the big deal was about his voice, other than it was really low. The only reason why he’d still continued to rap was because Kyungsoo would so eagerly tell him about a new song he’d be singing that have a rap part in it, and Chanyeol would just so happen to have enough data on his phone to look up the lyrics to learn it.

The first time he’d actually shown the ability to others was during an assignment in their chorus class. Together with Kyungsoo, the entire class had clapped and cheered louder than Chanyeol had ever heard a class cheer in his entire life. The neverending compliments and pats on the back were so filling, it made him feel like he was a king of some sort. He looked back at Kyungsoo and saw the younger grinning, that perfect little smile making Chanyeol break out into a happy little dance of his own.

After that day, he no longer looked at Kyungsoo as just another stranger, but a friend. And months after they actually began to talk outside of school, and became lovers.

Nothing seemed to go wrong after that. Even though there had been a significant difference in his life, it never turned out that bad as long as Kyungsoo was by his side. The day that Chanyeol’s parents had filed for a divorce was devastating, and his sadness lasted for months at a time, all in which he had Kyungsoo. The boy never seemed to be affected by his bitter moods, and instead turned him to the light, through singing and rapping of course.

Each time they did a duet, Chanyeol’s muddled mind would become clear again, reminding him of why he shouldn’t feel so down when he had someone like this cheering him up all the time. As long as he had this one person that cared, then he’d smile. Because one person was better than none. Chanyeol was grateful for having someone like Kyungsoo in his life.

The new school year had started again, except this time, he’d meet another person he’d come to know as one of his closest friend.

He was a bit of a scrawny kid, that had a passion for dance like no other, though he wanted to join the basketball team because his mom didn’t want him to only take dance as an extracurricular. Being the mama’s boy he was, he had obeyed and somehow managed to make it on the team. Chanyeol would watch as he would desperately shoot just to make one basket, while the other kids were able to do it easily many times over.

After one of their practices, Chanyeol found himself in a similar situation as a few months prior, except he was the one watching this kid so closely just as Kyungsoo had with him.

“You can’t shoot the ball like that. You have to follow through, like this.”

Chanyeol demonstrated and of course, the ball had gone into the hoop without hitting the rim at all, satisfying swoosh echoing in the gym. The boy looked wary that he was helping him out, but nonetheless tried what Chanyeol instructed and had managed to get the ball in on his first try.

“I-I did it! I really did it!”

He cheered happily as if he’d never done it before, though Chanyeol didn’t say anything and let him jump around happily.

“Thank you so much, I… My name is Kai and I’m a first year.”

It was a little obvious since he had just joined the basketball team and he was a bit on the shorter side, resembling a freshmen in all aspects from the naive look on his face to how happy and bubbly he was, even on the longest of school days. Chanyeol had begun to teach Kai about basketball in general after that, such as the do’s and don’ts in case he needed any tips. Kai had listened to all of them and gladly followed anything that Chanyeol said, which is why he had ended up meeting Kyungsoo while they were hanging out one day.

Kyungsoo was curious as to why his boyfriend had been so transfixed on something rather than to cry his eyes out about his parents, coming across the younger boy hanging out in his room while Chanyeol had been in the bathroom. One way or another, Kyungsoo assumed that Chanyeol was cheating on him and had punched Kai square in the jaw, leaving Chanyeol to explain something that could’ve been resolved easily without violence.

It hadn’t taken long to clear up the misunderstanding and Kyungsoo’s embarrassed look was something to see, prompting Chanyeol to snap a picture before the moment had gone for another thousand years. Kyungsoo always tried to delete the picture after that, though Chanyeol knew he wasn’t really mad, so he always kept it on him.

The day Kyungsoo had a solo test for chorus was a day he couldn’t hang out with Chanyeol and Kai. So Chanyeol ended up heading back with Kai to his house, except today, they had finished school a little earlier so they decided they would go to the arcade to play some games before going there. All of the shooter games and racing games were demolished by their scary teamwork, thus making the store owner kick them out before the two boys had taken all the tickets and raided the prize booth entirely.

With their spoils in hand, both boys were just talking amongst themselves before they had heard a strange noise come from an alley nearby. They both had grown curious and peered in since it wasn’t like they couldn’t, stumbling across a disturbing scene.

A man, hunched over a woman as she clawed at him to release her, his dirty fingers touching her in places a woman shouldn’t be touched. Chanyeol moved first and kicked the man, worrying more about the woman rather than if the man was okay from such a hard kick. Kai had gone to check if the woman was alright and Chanyeol would’ve too, if he hadn’t seen who the man was.

His back was much too familiar. And he saw his own father, with wild eyes and scratches all over his face. His father didn’t seem to remember him all that much either, even as Chanyeol called his name many times as the man tried to choke Chanyeol by wrapping his stubby fingers around the boy’s neck. Luckily Kai had called for help fast enough and the police were helping Kai, who was trying to get the man off of Chanyeol before his father had suffocated him entirely.

Kai hadn’t gotten a scratch thanks to Chanyeol, who directed all of his father’s hate towards him so he wouldn’t touch Kai in the slightest.

The way home was an awkward and silent walk. Chanyeol wouldn’t speak, and Kai didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t after seeing how shocked Chanyeol was. His father had been throwing curses at his own son for turning him into the police, not caring that they were blood related in the slightest. The man had even had the audacity to mention that he wished Chanyeol wasn’t even born before the police had thrown him into the police car and drove off, his father locked away in the backseat and hopefully put in jail after saying such foul words.

Kai did try though, even if he was really bad at forming the words.

“I… Chanyeol…”

“You don’t have to say anything, or just don’t if it helps.”

Chanyeol wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to grow up, and to experience such things. It was just five months ago that his parents had divorced and now he’d seen his own father almost a woman. Chanyeol had to turn his own father in. Even the thought was dirty, and Chanyeol had to remind himself over and over that it wasn’t his fault. The guilt made it’s way into his stomach and just sat there, weighing Chanyeol down and turning him much more gloomy that when his parents had first gotten divorced.

Before he had spiraled into another couple months of sadness, Kai had taken him to nearby playground and prompted him to drop his bag and run around for a bit. Chanyeol hadn’t understood what the latter was trying to say and stood there confused before Kai had gone over and ‘tagged’ him, running away with a little grin on his face. Chanyeol knew this game, and wouldn’t let Kai run away until he had caught him. The younger was quick, but not faster than Chanyeol. He had caught him after five minutes of constantly chasing him before the two of them had picked up their things and continued to walk home.

Chanyeol didn’t understand why Kai would suddenly grab his bag and leave, but felt a little better when the boy waited for him to catch up so they could walk together.

Kai just wanted to make the boy happy after having to witness something like that. He had ended up telling him about why he’d done it in the end as well, mentioning to Chanyeol that what they did was fun.

“Well, it was, right?”

It was true and Chanyeol did end up smiling and laughing while trying to catch Kai as he ran around the playground. Kai wanted to show him that even if the happiness was short, it was still fun and something Chanyeol could enjoy. Something as easy as playing at a playground was fun, and therefore Chanyeol could make new memories, even if he was having a bad day.

He found it easier to talk to Kai after that day. Chanyeol filled Kyungsoo in on what happened and the latter had made him feel better about the bad before filling his life with more good again, saying how the three of them should go out for some ice cream to cheer Chanyeol up.

Another few months had passed and summer had passed slowly and heatedly. There was still basketball practices despite the scorching heat, and Chanyeol had found it harder to play for some reason. It was like he’d always end up running out of breath faster than normal, and that he wouldn’t have energy. Sometimes he’d end up sitting on the side with Kyungsoo as the latter came to watch him and Kai play, that in which that had surprised Chanyeol since the boy never really came to their practices until summer started.

Kai has changed too. He’s gotten much faster and much more fit since when he first began to play basketball. The boy grew too, shooting up and almost passing Chanyeol in height, though not quite unless Chanyeol was barefoot. Kyungsoo had a lot of fun teasing the latter about how he’d be too big to fit into any of his clothes, and they all laughed at the thought of a giant Kai that wouldn’t be able to fit his pororo pajamas.

The more time went on, the more Chanyeol would find himself looking after the two younger boys. Whether if it was during a sleepover, or just during a simple walk home, he’d stand in the farther back and walk behind the two, checking to make sure nothing happened to them. Kai understood since he seen firsthand how scared Chanyeol would be if one of them had gotten hurt, but Kyungsoo had different thoughts, brushing off Chanyeol in hopes that he’d just stop being so stubborn.

Fall swung by and it was the month of October now too, time flying by much too blandly for Chanyeol’s taste. He had stopped hanging around Kyungsoo and Kai so much since those two ended up usually doing their own thing, his and Kyungsoo’s relationship barely hanging on since they rarely talked.

Chanyeol had been heading home one day when he had walked out of the school’s front gates, turning to his left to see Kyungsoo and Kai both kissing one another. It looked pure, and Chanyeol had just stared until Kai had seen him, jumping back in shock and pushing Kyungsoo off to show him they had company.

Kai was scared, and Kyungsoo was just quiet because they had gotten caught, while Chanyeol just awkwardly smiled. He could tell the two of them were getting along, and mentioned it to them, glad that they weren’t trying to punch each other in the face.

“So… You’re okay with this? I mean, because you and Kyungsoo are, you know…”

Kai fidgeted nervously before Kyungsoo began to cry, his sudden emotional burst making both Chanyeol and Kai ask if he was okay.

“I-I’m sorry Chanyeol… I’m such a t-terrible person, I should have ended it, but-”

Chanyeol shook his head and just waited for Kyungsoo to stop crying before taking a step back to look at the two, making a rectangle with his fingers and fitting them within the frame. He’d smiled before nodding at them, leaving it at that and of course, having to answer a bunch of text messages to Kai later that night after the boy couldn’t decipher what Chanyeol’s sudden silence meant.

It meant he was happy. Happy that the two of them were getting along and not alone. With each other, they’d be strong and Chanyeol gave his blessings since he hadn’t been the best boyfriend to Kyungsoo. If they were happy, he was happy. Simple.

Even if he said that, Chanyeol couldn’t bear to look at them whenever they were in school. He’d be able to greet them whenever they’d come up to him and converse normally, but when they’d leave, they’d take a piece of his heart with them, leaving him emptier with each short conversation.

The sudden incident affected how he played basketball too. Kai would always worry about him when Chanyeol would miss a basket or get tired out from playing much easier than before, doting on him constantly. Even the rest of their team would worry, and Chanyeol couldn’t have that. He’d put on a smile and just wave them off, saying how he stayed up late playing video games so he was tired.

That earned a scolding from the coach and relief for himself when everyone believed his lie.

Chanyeol had later sold a lot of his belongings online for quick cash, not really understanding the reason why himself. He’d sold his playstation first, somehow in need of money, but not wanting to work. It was easier this way and plus, this way he’d be able to clean out his room without having to actually clean. The clothes that he didn’t want were donated, along with anything else that just looked out of place in his room. His guitar, his empty notebooks that he bought, but never wrote in. When he was finished, his room only had a few pairs of clothes and a bed, along with a pillow and blanket.

He’d seen how the other guys on the team would be worried about how he wouldn’t be able to play games online with them, more or less catching on that he wasn’t staying up late playing games like how he said. Chanyeol didn’t like it when people doted on him, and their silent stares and piercing eyes was enough to make him quit basketball entirely. It wasn’t the only thing he had given up either-

Chanyeol stopped going to chorus, or even to school in general.

It wasn’t like he needed to go either, since he didn’t like to rap along with Kyungsoo after the boy had gotten mad at him for not telling him ‘what was wrong’. Chanyeol couldn’t answer a question that he had no answer to, and it was getting difficult to attend the class when Kyungsoo would obviously ignore him in the class, skipping him when passing out note sheets and even when he’d have to stay after and clean.

Since his mom was never home and off to work, he’d be able to lounge around at home without having to deal with anyone in school. Just him and his sleep, along with the constant rain showers that comforted him in those times of loneliness. His thoughts only got darker the more he thought.

At first, it just seemed like Chanyeol was being selfish and trying to draw attention to himself, or so he thought. He hated that. Chanyeol hated people having to worry about him, so he just made it easier for them not to. If he wasn’t at school and didn’t answer their messages, they’d give up, just as they always did when they wouldn’t get their way.

It was hard for Chanyeol because it was the same things everyday and his friends were only listening because they pitied him, the poor boy that wouldn’t shut up for once. That was just the beginning. Then it became hard to keep up with the kids in school whenever they would talk and laugh with one another. Chanyeol was never there with them, so he wouldn’t know how to react or feel, making him the odd one out yet again.

Saying he didn’t deserve friends seemed too self destructive, but so was being a bad friend. If Chanyeol didn’t care that he was the one being so moody, then why should he force them to have a relationship that they’re uncomfortable with?

Then it finally dawned on him to finally cut ties with them. It was difficult at first, but seeing them happy now made it worth it, even if it costed him his own happiness.

Kyungsoo and Kai seemed to be getting along just fine without him too, the two always together when he’d see them outside. Chanyeol’s teammates looked pretty happy too, eventually finding it normal that Chanyeol was never around. He’d seen them when he’d be out grabbing some food to eat or just when he needed some fresh air and they looked happy, joking around with one another normally like how they would before.

It was another rainy day, and Chanyeol was just lazing around in his bed while looking outside at the rain falling down on the patio. It’s been awhile since he’s gone out there, and felt such a nostalgic feeling when staring at the rain drops falling against the window. He’d felt a sudden urge too, the urge to go outside for once even if it was raining.

Chanyeol wasn’t able to head downstairs because his mom had a day off work today, meaning she didn’t know that her son was actually upstairs instead of being in school. The only alternative was to head out into the rain from his patio, and once he did it, the memories had come back and caused him to collapse onto the old wood, rain pelting his body and soaking his clothes.

He didn’t want to change. Chanyeol didn’t want to be alone like this. He missed playing basketball and hanging out with his friends. He missed having both parents to come home to with his two friends side by side with him as they all went to his room to play games after school. This wasn’t the life he wanted.

Chanyeol felt bitter too, especially when Kyungsoo and Kai had begun their own little story. He’d actually felt malice against his best friend, for taking his boyfriend from him, even if he had brought that upon himself.

Sometimes he’d think about it and be angry at Kai for stabbing him in the back like that. Chanyeol was the one at fault for thinking nothing was happening, even as Kai would ask Chanyeol for any embarrassing pictures of Kyungsoo to tease the latter with. He should’ve known, but he had been blinded by seeing how happy they were, mistaking their happiness for his own happiness.

Thinking about it more, Chanyeol just thought he was a terrible person. For thinking such bad thoughts about his friends and for making others worry about him when he was well off, especially compared to others that had nothing.

He was being selfish. So, so selfish. And constantly bickered with himself and his thoughts.

His nose grew moist the harder the rain began to fall, ignoring how matted his clothes were becoming against his body as he sat in the rain. With each little sniffle, he would cry more, even as he suddenly felt his body fall, he cried.

Falling down, deeper and deeper into his own little hole he dug for himself. To pity himself, when others wouldn’t.

The reality had been clear when he heard bones being crushed, the sound unforgettable since he’d heard it first hand. On himself.

Chanyeol almost laughed at the irony when he remembered those words his mother told him a long time ago, about not going onto the patio because it was old and that he could get hurt. Looks like he was being punished for not listening.

Not even his fast beating heart could stop the onslaught of emotions running through his mind. He didn’t want to die, not yet. There were so many things he needed to do that he hadn’t done, like make up with Kai and Kyungsoo, or join the basketball team to the finals where they’d win for nationals, just like they promised. He still had yet to talk to his mom about what happened to his dad those months ago.

As he opened his mouth to speak, all that could come out was his own blood as it splattered onto his chin and spilled down his face. He couldn’t sing either. Not with his voice like this.

It only occurred to him in his last seconds of consciousness what the date was. Almost heading into December, but not quite.

November 27th.

It was his birthday. How stupid of him not to remember.

The rain was falling harder and Chanyeol’s hearing was starting to dull, turning the rainfall into something much more muted and peaceful. He could actually think to himself without wanting to plug up his ears to actually hear what was going on inside his mind. With each little drop, Chanyeol felt the tension in his body lift, and he felt free, much more than he’s ever felt in his entire life.

Maybe this wasn’t so bad, he thought. As long as the people around him were happy, he’d be willing to make a sacrifice. And if they were sad, he’d be fine to know that the bad times would pass, since happiness was just as easy to acquire as sadness.

 

He just wanted to be happy.