taekwoon first spots him, again, over a campfire steadily growing smaller where it sits in the sand. it was set up for its light, but it’s way past midnight and people are huddled up with blankets and spring jackets around it to stay warm rather than to see properly.

“you’re late,” jaehwan grins and hands him a beer; a cigarette too, when he manages to fish the pack up from his jacket.

“i was sleeping, i wasn’t gonna go, really..,” taekwoon mumbles, not that he thinks it makes any difference to jaehwan.

“we’re not staying much longer, you can come back to my place if you want, though.”

taekwoon hums in reply as he takes a swig from the bottle, shutting his eyes for a second. it’s cold but the sun is just rising above the horizon again, casting weak rays over the beach and the heavy, slow waves of the sea. when he looks back up from his beer, reaching into his pocket to find a lighter, hongbin is sitting right across from him; the side of his face illuminated by the fire and his hair shining dark in contrast of the bleak sand and 4 am sky. he’s hunched over on a sunbed chair with a cigarette in his hand, chewing on his bottom lip while listening to the person next to him speak and twirling a can of beer standing on his thigh with his free hand.

he looks just like what taekwoon probably imagined he would do by now, when they parted ways in middle school.

“--taekwoon?”

taekwoon blinks and snaps out of it, turning to jaehwan and just catching a glimpse of hongbin’s eyes falling on him, “sorry, yeah?”

“light,” jaehwan mouths quietly, hand on the small of taekwoon’s back and rolling a cigarette between his index and middle finger.

a brief moment of taekwoon glancing between jaehwan, the fire, the lighter in his hand, and back up at jaehwan before reaching up to light his cigarette. jaehwan grins as he puts the cigarette between his lips, and taekwoon would too, was he not preoccupied with wondering what it was that brought hongbin out here.

5 am and taekwoon’s on his third beer; the bottles growing warmer with the rays of sun, and the sand under his now bare feet isn’t as cold as he remembers it to have been when he first toed his shoes off. jaehwan’s plans on leaving soon seem to have been postponed, and taekwoon doesn’t really mind - he was too tired before, dozing off in his single room off campus apartment with a book nearly falling out of his hands every time his head drooped and his eyes fell shut, but an hour or two of sleep and a handful of smokes and beers later he feels like yesterday just started. never mind that it’s very much sunday and taekwoon still has a bunch of assignments he never really finished.

the crowd had shrunk and the fire was about to go out, no one cared to go and dig out the extra firewood from the trunk of wonsik’s car, and jaehwan pulled taekwoon along to the skirts of the water as they shared another cigarette.

“you’d think the water would be warmer by now, but,” jaehwan says with a shrug, walking a few steps ahead of taekwoon with his bare feet sinking into the sand. “i guess it’s probably not this cold during the day.”

“yeah,” taekwoon agrees, absentminded and eyes trained on his feet as sleepy waves pulls grains of sand over his toes.

“do you know hongbin, by the way,” jaehwan says next, glancing back at taekwoon and reaching him the cigarette.

taekwoon chews on the inside of his cheek, tries to spot something of ill will in jaehwan’s eyes but can’t find any.

“we were classmates in middle school.”

“ahh--,” jaehwan chimes, as if he just remembered something. “--just thought he was looking at you an awful lot before they left.”

“i haven’t really talked to him since i moved, but it’s been years, so..,” taekwoon trails off, thinking, and pulls a drag from the cigarette while jaehwan slows down a little and shoves his hands into the pockets of his shorts. none of them are that drunk; taekwoon never really got there and jaehwan’s shallow intoxication had worn off a while after taekwoon arrived.

“he looks like a heartbreaker,” jaehwan grins, walking backwards and facing taekwoon as they pass the cigarette between them again.

taekwoon feels his head grow thicker, sinking back into sleepiness bit by bit.

“yeah, maybe.”

_______________

the other college, the one a couple of streets down from taekwoon’s apartment, is the one hongbin goes to; the college taekwoon couldn’t get into but that hongbin was evidently smart enough for. it’s the same one wonsik and sanghyuk attends too, so that would explain how hongbin had shown up at their a-month-into-the-new-semester beach hangout.

“hey,” hongbin’s voice comes from behind him one friday when he’s done with classes and walking leisurely through the aisles at the large supermarket.

taekwoon pulls his earbud out and eyes hongbin from head to toe while he manages a “hey” in response.

“i saw you the other week, at the beach, i just wanted to--“ a small smile on his lips, creases under his eyes and a hand coming up to push his dark hair out of his face. “--i never said hi, i don't know if you saw me then but.. hi.”

“hi,” taekwoon echoes, eyes looking back into hongbin’s and his mouth feeling stuffed as he pronounces the short word. “i did see you, back then.”

“oh,” hongbin purses his lips and it’s painfully awkward; taekwoon moves his basket from one hand to the other and picks at his sleeve. “it’s nice to see you again.”

it sounds genuine but taekwoon’s head is spinning in all directions, leading him off track, and all he can think about is how hongbin was his first best friend and his first love.

“you too,” he manages a few seconds too late, hongbin chewing on his bottom lip and looking troubled, but smiling again when taekwoon replies.

“i gotta go but, i’ll see you around, i hope?”

taekwoon nods and tries a small smile, wanting to say he hopes so too, but there’s that thick feeling in his mouth again and he only watches as hongbin heads for the cashiers; his hair a black, silky mess and his white t-shirt a little too tight.

_______________

catching up isn’t what taekwoon would call it; he hasn’t been saying too much and he’s not even sure he wants hongbin to know how he spent the past couple of years, but it’s something other than awkward small talk, and taekwoon is just sober enough to be grateful that it isn’t. there’s a warning sign fleeting through his mind when hongbin coaxes him up from jaehwan’s couch by the wrists, giggling over the music playing and saying something about a cigarette, another drink. taekwoon wills the uneasy feeling away and replaces it with a pleasant buzz spreading in his spine and legs as he lets hongbin pull him with.

jaehwan is on the balcony when they make it through the door, putting his cigarette out just as hongbin lights taekwoon’s, and he tilts his head at taekwoon with a curious smile before he walks past him. he ruffles taekwoon’s hair in the process, saying a quiet ‘heartbreaker’ as he passes by, quiet enough so that hongbin doesn’t hear, and taekwoon would roll his eyes if he wasn’t convinced he would lose his balance if he did.

“i was worried this would feel really weird,” hongbin says, tone thoughtful and voice unsteady from alcohol. “sorry if it was awkward or something, when i talked to you at the store.”

“it’s fine,” taekwoon replies, leaning against the railing. he’s not sure it really is, but he’s nowhere sober enough to start a discussion like that.

“aside from that we’re drinking vodka and not soda, this feels kind of just like when we were kids,” hongbin says quietly, head rested in his palm and his eyes fixed on something far away that taekwoon can’t pinpoint.

“kind of?,” he repeats with a smile. it kind of does, he thinks, but he’s guessing hongbin doesn’t have the same perspective on this as he does.

“i mean, there’s a bunch of things, other than the vodka, you know..,” hongbin glances at him, flicks ashes off his cigarette. “but i think, when i saw you at the beach, i kinda.. imagined it’d be way more weird, if we ran into each other again. weirder than this.”

“yeah,” taekwoon shrugs, trailing off and counting in his head how many times hongbin had said ‘weird’ that night. “me too.”

he feels nervous when hongbin looks at him - feels like his hair is too long or that it’s out of place, and that maybe his t-shirt is too big on his torso, that it’s a bad color, too dark. hongbin hadn’t changed much, and taekwoon thinks he himself might have changed more than hongbin would like. not that taekwoon had any idea what hongbin would or wouldn’t prefer.

then; “you look good,” hongbin’s eyes kind and, taekwoon notices, blown dark from too many drinks and not enough light to see.

“so do you,” taekwoon replies almost automatically, feeling his mouth grow that anxiety filled kind of thick again; hongbin only watches him in response, smile still on his lips before he turns back to the view and takes a drag from his cigarette.

on the tip of taekwoon’s tongue is the confession he held back for years; it’s bitter and fluttering, wanting out, but while taekwoon is drunk enough to let it slip out was he not careful enough, he’s also sober enough to force it back down. besides, taekwoon thinks, he’s not sure what the point of telling hongbin would be.

_______________

another night; both taekwoon and hongbin a little more drunk, wonsik as well, jaehwan getting there while they sit in taekwoon’s apartment this time, the air stuffy even with the windows open wide in an attempt to get some of the cool evening air inside. wonsik just won five consecutive games of mario kart double dash and taekwoon opens the balcony door after he shuts the console off, sinking down on the floor with his back to the door as he lights up a cigarette and throws his pack to wonsik.

“winner gets one smoke,” he explains under his breath, rolling his eyes with a smile when wonsik fishes up three cigarettes from the carton in his hand.

“you owe me two,” he grins. “probably.”

a minute later, mid-drag from wonsik’s cigarette; jaehwan announces that he’s going out to see sanghyuk and falls into a debate with wonsik whether he can tag along or not. taekwoon shuts his eyes and lets his head roll back against the door, his mind spinning just a little. he’s allowed a few seconds for himself before there’s the small push of air of someone standing next to him; then, the warmth of a body sliding down to sit next to his own, a bare arm pressing against his.

“are you doing anything tomorrow?,” hongbin asks, reaching taekwoon a cold beer when he peers down at him.

“not really,” he cracks the can open, thinking that hongbin must have dared to go into his messy kitchen and dig this out of the fridge.

“is it okay if i crash here?”

taekwoon takes a sip and sighs, leaning his head back again after he swallows and thinks for the thousandth time, probably, that he wishes he could will away the cold weight sinking in his stomach and how he wants to touch hongbin’s hair and kiss him. how he wants to talk to him and tell him what he didn’t say when they were thirteen; he wants to think he still doesn’t see a point in telling hongbin that, but there’s an itch in the back of his head and a fluttering in his stomach that says otherwise.

“it’s alright if you don’t want me to,” hongbin adds a few moments of silence later, when taekwoon is putting his cigarette out and tossing it up over the balcony railing. “promise.”

hongbin reaches him another cigarette later, when taekwoon has shrugged and mumbled an “it’s fine”, but taekwoon declines in favor of getting up and seeing jaehwan and wonsik out.

taekwoon sinks back down next to hongbin after the others leave, letting his head drop to hongbin’s shoulder while hongbin smokes and flicks ashes onto the balcony floor.

“you tired already?,” he asks softly, and taekwoon shuts his eyes as hongbin speaks.

“a little,” he admits - only half aware that he even opened his mouth, but not dwelling on it when hongbin reaches up to carefully card his fingers through taekwoon’s fringe. he doesn’t mention that he hasn’t slept well in what feels like years.

there’s something that feels strangely habitual when hongbin wraps an arm around his shoulders and holds him closer, but taekwoon uses the little clear-headedness he has left to remind himself that they’re just drunk: that hongbin is drunk and that a warm body next to your own always feels good when you’re drunk.

the sun sets and taekwoon misses it, with his mind elsewhere and his head leaned on hongbin’s pulled up knees, wondering distantly what hongbin is thinking about but not asking. he’s about to doze off like that when hongbin moves a little, his hand falling from taekwoon’s hair, and taekwoon opens his eyes to watch hongbin puts his cigarette out. taekwoon takes the opportunity to straighten up a little, stretching his legs out and scratching a mosquito bite on the back of his neck while he reaches for his beer.

“if you’re up for it, i wanna challenge you on double dash,” hongbin says when he’s back inside, sitting in front of taekwoon and leaning against the back of one of the armchairs. “just the two of us.”

“sure,” taekwoon shrugs, eyeing hongbin’s smile before taking a sip from the can.

“winner gets to be the little spoon?”

taekwoon pauses mid-sip at that, only for the fraction of a second, remembering how they would make bets like this in middle school and how taekwoon’s stomach would flip every time hongbin doubled over on the floor in defeat with a laughed groan. he looks back at hongbin to find him with pursed lips hiding a smile as he drinks from his beer.

“i’ve gotten better, i swear.”

he had, taekwoon realized; the two of them a little more wasted and maybe not as engrossed in the game as they were earlier, but hongbin had gotten better and as opposed to when they were in middle school, he only smiles a content smile as they’re putting the controllers down. as they share one last cigarette on the balcony, the start menu music plays solemnly in the background, drowned out by late night drivers down in the street and some stray, chilly winds blowing between the apartment buildings. hongbin’s face is lit up from below, orange tinted streetlights and something like neon, a source of light taekwoon can’t remember where it might come from.

hongbin shuts his eyes and rolls his head back after he hands taekwoon the cigarette, his neck letting out a low crack followed by a light laugh from hongbin. he rubs at his left eye with the heel of his hand, and taekwoon distracts himself with a deep drag of smoke while hongbin comes back to lean against the railing, reaching out to play with taekwoon’s fingers on his free hand. with cold fingertips he bends taekwoon’s joints and pushes lightly at his knuckles, as if he’s trying to figure out every bone and sinew.

“i haven’t been the small spoon in forever,” he hums, glancing up at taekwoon.

“me neither,” taekwoon chuckles, hongbin returning it with a wide smile as he tickles the palm of taekwoon’s hand with his blunt nails.

“you look like you make an even better big spoon now,” he adds, giving taekwoon an evaluating look and another laugh when taekwoon purses his lips. it’s both from being startled and from feeling embarrassed, but taekwoon hopes hongbin only notices the first.

in bed; it’s grown cold in the apartment from the balcony door being left open, and hongbin makes a big deal out of wrapping them up in the blanket properly, nuzzling close to taekwoon as their cocoon grows warmer.

“did you forget what being the little spoon means,” taekwoon asks quietly, nose buried in hongbin’s hair, but he’s not complaining.

hongbin chuckles, his breath hot against taekwoon’s bare shoulder, and taekwoon chews down on the side of his tongue, something cold sinking in his stomach. he feels jittery and suddenly not tired at all; his senses heightened and every gentle touch of hongbin’s fingertips to his back having something in his head run amok and his skin prickling.

“of course i didn’t,” hongbin replies, late enough for taekwoon to all but forget what he asked. “i just wanna lie like this, only for a little while.”

“sure,” taekwoon mumbles, sure hongbin isn’t really listening with the way he seems preoccupied with tracing the bumps in taekwoon’s spine.

for a while, taekwoon thinks that if he was tired, he would be able to fall asleep like this; never mind the way he felt a little awkward with hongbin’s skin almost sticking to his own every time they shifted, or how he felt devoid of air to breathe where he had his face pushed into hongbin’s messy hair. with a sigh, hongbin wraps his arm a little tighter around taekwoon’s middle, and taekwoon can feel hongbin’s forehead touching the side of his own neck, nose tip pressed against his clavicle and mouth letting out another slow, soundless sigh. something in the back of taekwoon’s head has him think, hope, that hongbin can’t feel how fast his heart is beating.

“hongbin,” he whispers, curling his index and middle fingers as he gently the back of hongbin’s neck in an attempt to get his attention.

another moment of silence before hongbin hums, a low “yeah” and another warm breath on taekwoon’s skin.

taekwoon, imagining what he could possibly say, because he doesn’t want hongbin to turn away from him just yet; and hongbin, moving with a tired noise and suddenly looking up at taekwoon in the dark, hair falling into his eyes and his mouth slanted as he chews on his cheek, “what is it?”.

the twisting, warm feeling in taekwoon’s chest somehow manages to calm taekwoon down, his nerves less jumpy and his head clearer. he’s about to ask hongbin if it’s okay, if taekwoon can kiss him, but the words won’t come out and he’s left tilting his head down a little, the tip of his nose touching hongbin’s as they look at each other in the dark. just as taekwoon’s clear head is starting to grow anxious again, hongbin lets out a small breath - a held back laugh - and taekwoon leans in the last inch in time with hongbin’s hand coming up to the back of his neck.

it lasts only for a few seconds, but taekwoon is only able to figure that out because he realizes he’s been holding his breath the entire kiss. hongbin is still chuckling the first time they pull apart, his breath warm and hitting taekwoon’s lips in little puffs; taekwoon feels like he’s floating, body warm under the comfort of the blanket and fingers tracing absently down hongbin’s smooth back.

“i wanted to kiss you before but i didn’t know if i could,” hongbin whispers, and at loss of anything to say taekwoon moves back in.

hongbin pushes closer and taekwoon can feel his smile fading when they deepen the kiss this time, taekwoon feeling like the warmth in the pit of his stomach flames up to a full blown fire. he feels helpless and small in the light of it, but the sensation falters with every slow of hongbin’s lips against his own, and by the time they break apart taekwoon feels like he’s about to burst. still, the confession is sticking in his mouth like glue again and it’s just as bitter as before, for reasons taekwoon can’t seem to pinpoint.

another whisper from hongbin, “i’m sleepy”, and a smile taekwoon can just make out the edges off in the dark.

“sorry, we-- we can sleep,” taekwoon mumbles in reply, his voice sounding foreign, but hongbin smiles wider and presses another quick kiss to taekwoon’s parted lips as he runs his hand down taekwoon’s back.

“don’t worry about it,” he reassures him before he’s turning over; one hand wrapping around taekwoon’s wrist to keep his arm close around himself.

back with his nose in hongbin’s hair, taekwoon tries in vain to still his racing heart, embarrassed that hongbin can probably feel it with his back pressed close to taekwoon’s chest. he takes a long, slow breath and shuts his eyes, curling his body a little and draping his left leg over hongbin’s shins.

“goodnight, hyung,” hongbin says, quietly while running the pad of his thumb over taekwoon’s knuckles.

taekwoon can only hum in response, nuzzling closer to hongbin with a tired sigh and trying to fall asleep. he’s too anxious to figure out something to say about it in the morning, so he doesn’t say anything at all.

_______________

it takes taekwoon a week or two to realize; after spending a few too long moments watching hongbin topple over wonsik with laughter, and noticing on more than one occasion how hongbin will leave his hand on wonsik’s forearm to the inside of his wrist with the pads of his fingers. taekwoon chews away at his bottom lip until it splits and he can taste iron in his mouth, but he keeps quiet, telling himself he wasn’t expecting anything. or at least that he shouldn’t have been, because hongbin didn’t owe him anything.

during fall break, hongbin convinces taekwoon to come along to the beach one last time, before it becomes too cold to stay out all night. it’s tuesday and everything is closed, so they gather what they can find and sit around a slowly growing fire with half a bottle of vodka from jaehwan’s place and a few beers taekwoon and sanghyuk managed to dig out from their fridges.

it’s too cold, taekwoon thinks, to be drinking beer by the sea at midnight in september, but the vodka warms him up well enough for him to stick around. hongbin is sitting between him and wonsik on the largest log by the fire, his right arm wound loosely around wonsik’s waist and his head dropped carefully onto taekwoon’s shoulder as he smokes a cigarette, passing it to wonsik after half of it has burned out.

“what’s up with you?,” jaehwan asks - half concerned and half drunk - after the vodka is gone, having dragged taekwoon and sanghyuk with him to walk along the shoreline with bare feet in cold water.

“nothing,” taekwoon shrugs, glancing with an amused smile at sanghyuk who is complaining about his toes freezing, then back at jaehwan. “nothing, really, i’m just tired.”

jaehwan eyes him for another second but lets it be, hooks his left arm with taekwoon’s and keeps walking. they turn back after reaching the wharf they dive from in the summer, and taekwoon thinks that the campfire looks much lonelier and colder from a distance. he can just make out hongbin straddling the log and wonsik passing him a can of beer against the light of the fire, and as there’s a cold sting in his stomach, he realizes he almost forgot about hongbin for a moment, in the midst of sanghyuk wishing he brought extra socks and jaehwan taking drags from taekwoon’s cigarette.

“are they dating or something?,” sanghyuk hisses before they get too close, popping his head back to look at taekwoon over jaehwan’s shoulders.

“aren’t you the one who sees them literally every day?,” jaehwan jabs sanghyuk in the waist with a laugh as taekwoon shrugs at the question.

“i dunno,” sanghyuk raises his eyebrows and brings his cigarette up to his lips. “hongbin talks about taekwoon hyung a lot, so i was just, you know, asking.”

taekwoon forces the stirring in his chest down and purses his lips, shaking his head as they approach the other two and sinking down in one of the old sunbeds.

“probably,” he adds with a glance back at sanghyuk, who plops down behind hongbin on the log after picking up an unopened can of beer.

sanghyuk shoots hongbin and wonsik a quick eye, then looks back at taekwoon with pursed lips and nodding to himself as if to say “yeah, maybe”. he throws a can over to taekwoon, who catches it before he even registers it being in the air; his head too preoccupied with how wonsik linked his and hongbin’s fingers together by his side as they shared a cigarette.

the steady cold in taekwoon’s stomach eventually has him numb to the feeling, and when he’s walking home alone in the slight drizzle that started around 3 am, he tells himself his hands aren’t cold without hongbin to hold them.

_______________

“by the way, about that time at your place,” hongbin tilts his head as he speaks, quietly; the two of them cowering from the cold rain in a bus stop. “i kinda realized i never apologized.”

he’s saying it in the tone taekwoon knows he uses when he’s embarrassed about something and is afraid someone is going to be upset with him; the same tone he’s been using since they were twelve when they stole fruit together from the grocery store down the street from their school and their parents yelled at them.

“you don’t have to apologize,” taekwoon says softly, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets and tucks his chin into the collar of his jacket. “it’s fine.”

hongbin stays quiet for a bit, shifting his footing a little and, taekwoon hears, playing with the lighter in his pocket. the muffled sound dies out after a while before hongbin lights the cigarette he kept between his fingers for the past 10-or-so minutes, and taekwoon is left watching hongbin pick at his cuticles while the rain smatters on unforgivingly against the plastic roof above them.

the confession grows in taekwoon’s mouth, more bitter than ever and feeding the freezing cold lump in his stomach; the two expanding until taekwoon feels like his chest is going to burst. hongbin exhales a plume of smoke and lets his head drop back against the wall with a gentle thud.

“i don’t wanna be weird with you, you know,” he says after some excruciating seconds of silence between them, glancing at taekwoon who watches him with his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “that was a while ago but.. yeah.”

he smiles a little at that, and taekwoon smiles back. they’re not going to be weird.

when hongbin’s phone rings and hongbin picks it up with a forced “hey babe” followed by a chuckle, taekwoon tucks the confession away as far back in his mind as he can, along with the persistent memories of hongbin giggling against taekwoon’s lips and his warm back against taekwoon’s chest. hongbin’s signaling for taekwoon to follow him, to go meet up with wonsik, and taekwoon takes a slow, steady breath.

they’re not going to be weird.