Taehyung smiled. Once again, he smiled. He had practiced it perfectly. The corners of his lips turning upwards, parting into a squared smile people loved so much. The crinkles in the corner of his eyes, the look in them that was masked perfectly to reflect what people wanted him to feel. This was the way Taehyung had learnt to survive. By smiling and saying something unusual, smoothly directing all uncomfortable questions away from himself. People were used to it by now, and his nature had become popular among the other students in his school, boys like girls.

 

Taehyung stood in front of the mirror in his dark apartment, one hand leaning on the edge of the sink while the other palm rested against the mirror, breaking his reflection. The mirror was white painted but visibly worn, the paint fading around the edges. Along the lower side of the mirror a long crack ran, courtesy of himself. He had punched it in a moment of desperation, only to break down afterwards, when he realized what he had done. His knuckles had been bleeding. As Taehyung stared at his reflection, he studied every single detail. His brown hair was still damp after the shower; his fringe hanging so low it almost covered his eyes. It wasn’t that long since he had dyed his hair, but roots were already beginning to show. His dark eyes seemed lifeless and dim. The corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly as he tried to force them up, smiling like he did to the rest of the world. He tried to make his eyes form into crescents, recreating the look he was so used to give. But his face wouldn’t listen, and his muscles gave in. All that was left as an empty stare and a slightly open mouth, as he wondered of the thousandth what was wrong with him. Why was he like this? He hated it. He hated himself for being that way. As he stared at himself all he saw was protruding flaws, screaming what he should have been, but never was. His hand slowly moved from the mirror and onto his face, sliding from his left eyebrow and down his cheek. His eyebrows were unusual. His facial structure not right. Although he couldn’t pinpoint it, there was something wrong about his nose as well. The empty feeling inside him that was knit tightly below his ribcage sat there like a stone, something he was unable to move – he could never get rid of it.

Slowly Taehyung backed away from the mirror with silent steps. The white t-shirt hung loosely on his thin frame, making him look even weaker in the bluish light from the lonely light bulb in the roof. He hit the back wall shortly after, the sensation of the cold tiles on his back. But all he felt was numb, and he didn’t even notice it as he slid down the wall and onto the floor. His knees were curled up to his chest, his elbows resting atop them as he put his head in his palms and finally let go.

All Taehyung wanted to feel was something. Something other than the dull pain that locked itself around his heart at all times, running through his veins. Taehyung wanted to feel normal, not concealing anything. We wanted to confine in someone, yet not wanting to at the same time. He wanted someone to feel the same as he did, someone who could help him understand. But all he got when he screamed out for help was the silent echo in the halls of his little apartment. He was alone. There was no one there. Where else did he belong?

 

 

“Hey Taehyung, are you joining us at the arcade after school today?” a tall, dark-haired boy slung his arm around Taehyung’s shoulders when he was walking out of maths class that day, quietly so no one would notice him. But of course they did, he was Kim Taehyung after all. Taehyung tried to remember the boy’s name. Everyone seemed to be on friendly terms with him and knew what his name was, but although he tried to be interested in learning all their names himself, he just couldn’t do it.

He stole a quick look at the boy’s nametag, before turning his eyes towards him again, his face automatically turning into his trademark squared smile and innocent eyes.

“Sorry Himchan,” he said, “I am going to the zoo to feed the monkeys,” he improvised an excuse and sent the taller an apologetic smile. If he remembered correctly, Himchan was in his science class… or was that someone else? He was pretty sure Himchan was a senior along with himself. All he knew that his excuse would work. It wouldn’t for anybody else, but in his case it was the weirder, the better. It made it easy to come up with apologies for things he couldn’t join. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t, because he really wished he could join his classmates in such trivial things. But it made him exhausted, all of it. He didn’t have the energy to do anything, much less be around people for longer than he needed.

Taehyung had honestly expected Himchan to be more persistent, trying to coax him into joining. People usually did that, to the point where Taehyung wanted to crack and scream that he didn’t want to. But instead his classmate shrugged, sighing. “You should really join us sometime,” he said, his face turning into a grin again. Taehyung nodded and sent Himchan a smile back, before the latter ran off to catch his own circle of friends. To be honest, Taehyung didn’t have something like that. He got along with everyone, but at the same time he didn’t really have any friends like people his age usually had – he had never even once brought a friend home. They were all his classmates, but he still couldn’t relate to them. They all had their own best friends, while Taehyung just went along with whoever was there at that moment. During lunch he would sit down by a table and people would start approaching him naturally. He was never by himself, but he was still always alone.

With light steps and a floating gaze he wandered into the cafeteria, where gazes turned against him before several smiled, waving him over to their table. Taehyung just shook his head and did a gesture, walking over to queue in the line to claim his food. He knew he wouldn’t be able to eat it, but it looked strange not to get it so he did anyways. Afterwards he received the metal tray with something that looked like it was supposed to be a soup of some sort, and he walked over to his usual table in the end of the cafeteria, in the far right corner. The sun didn’t shine there and it was rather secluded from the other tables, so he felt more secure there than other places. Just seconds after he sat down a couple of people he recognized the faces of but couldn’t remember their names appeared, smiling as they sat down by his table. They started to ask him about trivial things like school or activities, and Taehyung replied in his usual manner. After a couple of minutes he excused himself by saying he was getting more food and brought his tray with him, only to dump it in the trashcan in the empty hall outside. Afterwards he said he wasn’t allowed to get seconds, and ate up all his food on the way. This was how things usually went.

 

 

Taehyung always walked home from school alone. He lived the opposite way from most of the students in his grade, and the ones who lived in his direction usually took the bus. He was nothing but relieved because of it, because at the end of the day he was so exhausted he was afraid to break. He didn’t hate the people he was around, but it was hard. He couldn’t do it, and he got so tired every time he went out that he wondered how he hadn’t been pulled under already. He had long since realized it was a problem not everyone had, he had long since realized he was a different case. But no one ever saw it because no one were there to do so, and in the end he had built up such a perfect façade it was impossible to look through. He was invincible; the walls built up around him were so steady nothing could break through. That was the one thing he was proud of.

The dry asphalt connected soundlessly with his worn Converse as he walked home. He had no craving to get there really – if anything he would want to stay away for as long as possible. He kicked a small stone onto the road, watching it roll away harshly. He was walking on the right side of the sidewalk, people speeding by him in an unclear blur. He didn’t notice any of them, his mind wandering as he tried to keep his vision clear. Maybe it was the cloud-free sky or the warm sun, but he felt even emptier. The sighs he let out were heavy, and even though he halfway hoped some of the heaviness inside him would follow the sighs, it only made it worse.

 

Taehyung knew the way home by heart, and even though his mind was drifting, his feet automatically led him where he was supposed to be. He turned corners and walked onto new streets he knew so well. The old ladies in some of the food-stalls along the road recognized him and waved, and he waved at them back before shouting a greeting, continuing on his way.

His feet stopped moving at a well-known pedestrian. It was the last one he was going to cross before a long bridge, connecting the side of town he was living on with the one his school was in. He looked right and left before finally crossing, reaching the other end just as a big truck appeared from the way he had come. It rushed past him so close he could feel his uniform move in the wind from the eight-wheeler, only centimetres from his back. The sour smell of diesel hit his nose and made his eyes water, dust whirling up around him. He knew he should be scared from his wits, but instead he couldn’t do anything but take a breath, waiting for the feeling of fear welling up in his chest. It never did. He took a step forward, his knees almost giving in. His muscles were shivering and threatening to break down, and his breaths became short as he tried to comprehend the situation. Why wasn’t he feeling anything? Why wasn’t he scared for his life? Why wasn’t he doing what any other person would do? The answer was simple. He was abnormal, weird. Not in the way his classmates thought he was, but a bad weird. He didn’t belong.

Taehyung walked over the bridge, tracing the blue-painted fence with his index finger. The only thing separating him and the water tens of meters below him was a thin frame of metal. Even as he looked down, he didn’t think of it as any dangerous. The still water looked so clear, so calm were it was, floating by in peace. It looked harmless, yet he had read articles about it having claimed so many lives as its own.

He was halfway across the bridge when he spotted a person in front of him. He had been so focused and drowned in his own thoughts he hadn’t noticed the other before they were only a couple of meters apart.

It was a male, probably around his own age, maybe a little bit older. He had dark hair that hung in front of his eyes, and a crooked posture. His hands were gripping the railing so hard his knuckles turned white. He was wearing an oversized, black t–shirt and a dark grey cardigan that hid his thin figure, and made him look smaller than he was; he seemed to be around Taehyung’s own height. He swayed slightly were he stood, hanging over the railing as he stared down at the water. Taehyung was about to just pass by him and continue on, not having the energy to deal with anyone, but something made him stay. The person didn’t seem there at all. Slowly Taehyung approached with cautious steps, but he didn’t even reach the stranger before the other turned to him. What hit Taehyung at first was how far away his eyes looked, how dark his expression was. His consciousness didn’t seem present at all. He looked empty.

“Hello?” he said tryingly. He didn’t bother with his usual façade. He didn’t know this person and they were never going to meet again, so it didn’t matter how he acted.

The person just turned his head to the river again, leaning even further over the railing. “I wonder if anything would happen if I jump…” he muttered. “I wonder if anything would change,” his voice was hoarse, like it hadn’t been used for a long time.

Taehyung’s eyes widened, realizing what the person was thinking. It was obvious he wasn’t sane at all, and that he was affected by something, whatever it may have been. The person took a step backwards, still holding onto the fence for his legs not to give in under him. Suddenly he turned his head towards Taehyung, faster than Taehyung thought he was capable of doing.

“What do you think? I’m tired. Do you think the water would put me to sleep?” his words were tired, his voice droopy.
Taehyung was left speechless for a few seconds, not knowing what to say. His own words had never been sincere, and when a situation like this came up he had no idea what to say. Lie, a voice in his head told him. Lie, just live every other time.

“Yes, it will put you to sleep.” He replied in the end. The other male nodded, leaning forward again. He seemed to agree with Taehyung’s answer.

“But not in a good way, because you’ll never wake up. Life has so much to offer that you can’t sleep through it.” He continued. He wondered where the words came from. He didn’t mean them. How could he when he didn’t believe in them himself?

The other person furred his eyebrows, his dazed look drowning further and further. “Life? I hate life. Life can go to hell,” he said slowly, more determined. Taehyung agreed, but didn’t say it out loud. All he had to do was convince the other that the water was no solution.

“I’ll get better,” Taehyung found himself saying. “Just wait and you’ll see.” Bull. Everything he said was a complete lie.

To Taehyung’s surprise, the person laughed. “I’m going to hell anyways. What does it matter, whether I go there now or live through it here on earth?” He threw his head backwards, face turning into a crooked grin. “I’m going to hell, I’m going to hell,” he sang in something that sounded like a children’s melody. His eyes rolled backwards before focusing again. Then he steadied himself again, planting his legs on the ground. He let go of his grip on the railing, and instead moved to get over it. “I welcome you,” he muttered. “Say hello to me as well…”

That was when Taehyung’s body lunged forward, preventing the other from completing his action before anyone of them could comprehend what was happening. They both fell to the ground, and the stranger ended up on his stomach on top of him. His face was pressed against Taehyung’s chest as his right side straddled Taehyung’s left, making the latter unable to move.

“Hey,” Taehyung said, trying to push the other male off. When he didn’t get any reaction, he tried again. “Hey!”

Nothing worked, and it took him a couple of seconds to realize the stranger had fallen unconscious. Taehyung was now hundred per cent sure the other one had something in his system. He didn’t know if he wanted to find out what.

With great difficulty Taehyung managed to get in a sitting position, re-positioning the person on top of him so he had his back against Taehyung’s stomach, his head leaning backwards against his right shoulder. He managed to get his phone out of the pocket of his uniform, and dialled the emergency number. It was the only thing he could think of doing right now; this person needed help and even if Taehyung was tempted to just leave he knew he couldn’t. After a couple of seconds the beeping noise was replaced by an operator, signalizing a connected line. The operator asked for Taehyung’s name, location and problem, and he answered them calmly, not freaking out even if he had an unconscious stranger in his lap. The ambulance would come and pick the other boy up, so he didn’t need to worry. It would all be okay.

As he sat there and waited for the ambulance he had promised was on its way, Taehyung looked at the railing the stranger had been holding. He had been so close from falling into the water, Taehyung thought. Yet he hadn’t cared. If Taehyung had thrown himself off the bridge, would he have cared? The worst thing was, he didn’t even know the answer. A couple of birds were singing as they flew past over him and the other person’s heads, and the sun stung in his eyes. He directed his gaze to the one in his lap instead, repositioning him so he would see his face. He had sunken cheeks and bags under his eyes, making him seem way older than he probably was. He didn’t look healthy at all, his skin pale and his hair dishevelled. For some reason, Taehyung caught himself wanting to find out why. He quickly put the thought away however, optioning to stare at the water beneath them as cars zoomed past in high speed, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

 

 

When it did arrive, Taehyung quickly gave the information he knew to the personnel, before hurrying away. He didn’t even wait to check if the person was okay. He convinced himself the other was in good hands, and that it was okay to leave.

The sun had started to set and bathed the sky in an orange-pink colour when Taehyung finally locked himself into the tiny apartment on the fifth floor. All he wanted to do was doze off and never wake up, but he knew that even if the clock was slowly ticking from evening to night, he wouldn’t be able to sleep for another six hours. He still had homework to do anyways, and he couldn’t let his grades slip. It would destroy the image he had built up.

Taehyung slung his school bag in a corner as he slipped out of his shoes and placed them beside the two other pairs he owned, before he took off his jacket and hung it on the empty coat stand. Then he walked into the kitchen, picking up the books he needed from his bag along the way. He didn’t really have an appetite at all, but he knew he needed to eat if he was going to get through the work assigned to him. He put his books on the kitchen counter, and the stove as he filled a saucepan with water. While he waited for it to boil he opened one of the kitchen cupboards, taking out a cup of instant ramyeon. Out of the four cabinets he had, two of them were filled with instant packs of the dish. It was the only thing he ate, not because he couldn’t cook but rather because he didn’t care to do it. He would still be full anyways and instant noodles were always so much easier.

When the water finally boiled he poured it into the cup of ramyeon, closing the lid again by sealing it with his chopsticks. Then he got out his English textbook, and started on his work for the night.

 

When the clock passed one in the morning, Taehyung finally went to bed. When it passed two, he still couldn’t sleep. When it turned half past four, he realized it would be one of his sleepless night again. They came and went every now and then, and he never appreciated them much. Not being able to sleep meant not being able to escape reality, but ending up lying awake for the night, thinking too much instead. He hated thinking, because the thoughts that invaded his mind were never good, and they always managed to break him down even further.

After the digital clock on his nightstand read 4:36 a.m., Taehyung decided to get up. He couldn’t do it any longer, and his thoughts were slowly getting the upper hand, making him stand in the danger zone of losing his sanity. Instead he stood up, putting on a grey hoodie and a couple of jeans he found on the floor, before heading out. Maybe the night air would do something with him.

The cold, fresh air filled his lungs and almost froze as soon as he stepped outside, but he appreciated it. He had no idea where to go and the streets were completely empty, the deserted roads being lit up by streetlights that bathed them in a shallow, yellow light. In the distance he could hear the faint sounds of sirens, probably coming from downtown. Taehyung lived a little bit further away, on the other side of the river. It gave him a longer way to school, but then again there was a peace in the area where he lived in that couldn’t be compared to the never-ending stress in the centrum.

Taehyung slowly began to walk with no direction in mind, his thoughts swirling in his head. They came and went and were never the same, but a reoccurring topic was the stranger on the bridge. Taehyung couldn’t help but think of his words. What did it matter, whether he lived through hell on earth or in the afterlife? He had never had any specific thought about how he wanted to die and even if he wanted to, but he knew that if he could sleep forever, he would. Was death equal to sleeping? He didn’t know. The person had seemed so lost, just like himself. No direction, no destination or ending point. Was that how he was going to live his life forever?

 

Taehyung ended up in a park near his apartment complex. There weren’t any other people there just like everywhere else, but Taehyung preferred it that way. After walking along the main path for some time, he came across a large pond. On the other side of the path from it there were green-painted benches placed with equal spacing between them, streetlights placed in the middle. Taehyung felt his legs grow tired and sat down on the nearest one, looking at the water in front of him. It reminded him of the river, his thoughts once again returning to the person. Where was he now? What happened to him? Taehyung realized he didn’t even know his name. But maybe that was just as okay.

He let out a long sigh, throwing his head backwards. Since when had his life become like this? He couldn’t even remember anymore, like his subconscious had suppressed all the memories. All he knew was that he hated the way he was and the way he never felt anything but the empty, numb feeling that had a constant grip on him and never let go. He was a wreck, never showing anyone his true self. He felt like a con artist, tricking everyone. He wanted to so desperately get out of it, actually having the energy he showed off at school. He wanted to understand why he was being like that, unable to feel or relate to anything. He wanted to care; yet he didn’t. He wanted to be anything else but himself.

He bitter wind blew past and hit his face bitterly, rustling the trees’ leaves. He felt the rush of blood to his cold cheeks and ears, making them redden. It was spring, but the nights were still cold. It had probably not been enough to just put on a hoodie, but Taehyung didn’t really feel bothered by it, staring at the empty air in front of him as he dug his stiff fingers into his pockets. The moon was reflected in the still water from the pond, lighting up what seemed like the whole park.

 

Taehyung had no idea how long he sat there. It could have been ten minutes, it could have been forty. He had lost the ability to grasp time a long time ago. All he knew was that suddenly a small piece of paper lay beside him. At first he wondered how it could possibly have found its way there, but afterwards he decided it must have been the wind. He picked up the paper, which turned out to be a flyer. Having nothing better to do, he started to read of off it.

“Destructive. No matter what it is, you’ll fit in. Even if you don’t care to, as no one else does either. Misplaced and misfits. Weekly meetings in the basement at 345 Seongbuk-ro, Seocho-gu on Fridays, four p.m.. Even if you don’t belong, you do.”

Taehyung read it out loud, and then once again in silence. He didn’t understand it. Flyers were meant to be appealing, trying to sell something. But for some reason, he didn’t think this was out to sell him anything. It looked rather plain and not eye-catching at all. Black on white, printed in Times New Roman. Still, something caught his attention. Maybe it was the weird phrasing, he had no idea. He flipped it a couple of times, looking for some kind of contact information, but there was none – not even a telephone number. Taehyung found it weird: shouldn’t it even be that on a flyer? He stared at it for a long time, until the first few rays of sun made their way over the horizon. Then he decided it probably was some therapy-based out to coax his money from him without really doing anything, and he stood up. Maybe it was time to go home. He stared at the flyer one last time, before stuffing it into the front pocket of his hoodie, heading home.