Dark lined eyes and pale clear skin stare back at me. Perfectly waved hair flits through my eyes and a tight smile reflects back to me before I drop them once more. Inching myself a bit closer, I can’t see a thing.  I can’t remember the last time I saw myself in the mirror. For the past few years, I have faded away. I’ve been looking in the mirror for so long, that I’ve come to believe my soul’s on the other side.

“Niel! We’re starting in five!” I turn to see Jonghyun standing in the door way waiting for me to follow suit behind the members. As I turned away from the mirror, I no longer feel a piece of me being left behind; instead, I feel all the little pieces falling, and shatter. I have no choice but to leave them.

I’m lost on the stage, and as I look out into the sea of faces and lights, I’m lost as Daniel. I am only Niel. And that hurts. It used to be just a stage persona, a stage name, nothing more, but as time goes by, I thought that the line was blurred. It wasn’t that simple. Every time I looked at my members, I still saw them, but when I look in the mirror, I no longer see Daniel. How long have I been leaving myself, piece by piece?

When I return, and try to fix the broken pieces of me, the shards of Daniel, the shards of me, too sharp to put back together, too small to matter, but they’re big enough to cut me into pieces. I’ve tried so many times to put him back together, but if I try to touch him, I bleed. It’s so painful, and even though my tears have never been able to reach my eyes, the pain screams from within my chest in agony.

Then again, I thought the pain would numb when Jonghyun confessed to me. He was always my closest friend, and I had been infatuated with him for a while. It was only after three months that I and realized that I had fallen so hard for him. But my world started to crack on our one hundredth day.

It was nothing big, rather simple, but it was more like our first real date. It was a trip to the amusement park in winter, so our hoodies and scarves hid us well. It was fun, it really was. We entered a haunted mansion and we both ran screaming, both of us too scared but Jonghyun still hid behind me. It was only by luck that neither of us had gotten sick in the spinning cups, and the golden lights on the merry-go-round seemed like he only existed in my dreams. But the warmth in his hand grounded me again, and let me know that it was real. Of course, knowing how cheesy Jonghyun is, we had to end our date with a Ferris wheel , Jonghyun even paid the guy extra so that he could stop us at the top for a bit. It really felt like I had stepped into a drama. I even let Jonghyun take the lead, boost his ego a bit, and I didn’t regret it. I didn’t. I promise I didn’t.

It was a minute to midnight, a minute to our hundredth day. And as he leaned in, he whispered something that cracked my heart.

“I love you, Niel.”

His lips met mine as the first firework resonated through the sky. It was soft, it was shy, and he pulled away after a moment and I held him in my arms as the fireworks resonated behind me. It should have been perfect, I should have been happy, but my heart was breaking. It was breaking over something so small. I should have been happy, but my heart is in pain. I pushed it back, to the lowest depths of my soul, and held him tight, burying my face into the crook of his neck.

“I love you too, Jonghyun,” I whispered back. ‘It was just a slip of the tongue,’ I had thought to myself. ‘It’s a reflex. He’s just used to it.’ I pushed the doubts away to cast away the pain and closed my eyes as I inhaled deeply. I wanted to be happy.

But as time went on, it didn’t change. Never once after that day, has he called me by my name, and every time, the crack in my heart only grew bigger. That’s when I noticed, that I was the only one that has become Niel. Minsoo never become CAP, Chanhee never became Chunji, Byunghun never became LJoe, Changhyun never became Ricky, and Jonghyun never became Changjo. So why is it that only I became Niel? Why do I feel like I have been abandoned?

It hurts so much. I don’t see myself anymore, and it’s terrifying.

Last week, I crawled into Jonghyun’s bunk. The reflection in the mirror had been scaring me even more, and I thought I was about to break. He had shifted some when he felt me crawl in and opened his yes.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. I just shook my head, too scared of breaking down if I spoke. “Was it a nightmare?” I didn’t know how to respond. Is it a nightmare even though it never disappears even when I open my eyes? “It’s okay; I’ll protect you, Niel.”

My heart had stopped again. I should be used to this pain, it should have numbed, but with every utterance of that name, I feel another piece of me break away, and I hate it.

That night, I didn’t sleep. After I was sure that Jonghyun had fallen back to sleep, I got out of bed and left the dorm. I found the church I had made my temporary home, and I meditated and prayed throughout the night, trying to numb the pain that restricts my breathing so much and which makes me feel like breaking down and crying. Every day, I feel like I’m dying, and I hate it.

I take a breath and try to reach into my spirit’s well, the spirit which I hoped still remained in me. I don’t want Daniel to disappear. I want to keep him.

I don’t want to fade away. 

I returned before anyone had awakened, and I tried to return to the routine of Daniel before I became Niel. I took a shower, washed my face and brushed my teeth while avoiding the mirror. I was too scared to see if I had truly become a shell.

Before, I would always get up and make breakfast alongside my mother for my brothers and father. She taught me how to make fried egg rolls and American pancakes. I had made it for the members when we were still trainees, and as I looked down, I smiled at the memories I had with them. They were of a time when we were uncertain, but they were fun. I was still with them.

“What are you doing, Niel?” The stab hit me again. It was Chanhee who found me. He looked confused, but’s probably because we would always just either order out or he would take the lead in breakfast.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I made breakfast.” I smiled, and I guess I’m pretty convincing. He came and looked over at the food before helping himself to the food. It wasn’t long before the smell had the others coming in.  It wasn’t the first time I tried to return to Daniel, but it was always brushed off or questioned. But maybe this time I can return.

Jonghyun came in but when I turned and saw him, he just grimaced at the food. He walked past me, as if I wasn’t there and pulled out some fruit from the fridge. Please, just wait.

“Don’t you want some breakfast, Jonghyun? They’re still hot,” I smiled. Hopeful. But he just looked away.

“I’m on a diet. Leave me be.” Another piece is broken, and I could feel it shatter. I spent the day in the house, hopeful to talk to everyone, hopeful that I can return to myself, but everyone just brushed me off.

“Are you sick, Niel? You’re acting strange.” Byunghun looked concerned, but it wasn’t for me. Changhyun avoided me and Minsoo scolded me, telling me not to not scare the members. And Jonghyun…Jonghyun wouldn’t look at me. He wouldn’t talk to me, no matter how hard I tried, until he snapped.

“You’re being weird! Leave me alone until you calm down, Niel.” The venom in his voice hit me so hard, and he just left me…alone.

I shouldn’t be surprised when no one noticed me leave. I tried to regain myself but he refused like a stubborn child, and it hurts. It hurts so badly. I had returned to the church, and since it was a weekday, there wasn’t a service, so I just sat at the front and stared up.

Why? Why am I in so much pain? Why did I disappear? The tears are prickling at my eyes, but they still don’t fall. I feel too hollow.

“Are you alright, son?” The priest is next to me. I didn’t say a word, too unsure of myself. “Would you like to talk?” I nodded slowly after a moment before heading to the booth in the back, separated by a screen. I always felt comfortable in the church, but that’s because my father is a pastor and I grew up with a strong connection to it. It’s my rock, what keeps me grounded, and I guess this counts as a confession. We sat in silence for a while before he finally spoke. “Take your time my son. I am not your judge.” It was another few minutes before I was finally able to calm myself that I finally spoke.

“I’m lost,” I start. “Not physically lost, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually… I feel like I’ve lost myself and am losing who I am every day, and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.” I could see his shadow nod.

“It’s never an easy path, but it’s a path you must take yourself. You have to decide whether to find yourself of if you are discovering who you truly are. You are not alone my child; you just have to find yourself.” It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I know who I was, and I’ve been trying for so long to save myself, but I don’t want to see a stranger in the mirror.

“Lie to me.”

“Excuse me?” He asked after a moment.

“Lie to me. Convince me that I’ve been sick forever and all this will make sense when I get better.” I just want to be comforted and that this will pass and I will be happy again.

“I can’t do that.” My heart stopped, and without a second thought, I ran.

I ran, and ran.

No one had contacted me, and the following morning, I was in the chair getting my make-up done and forced to stare in the mirror.

“Feeling better, Niel?” Asked Jonghyun. I just nodded, to tired and empty to speak. I watched again as I saw the pieces of me fall and shatter as I left for the stage. It was when I am on stage that I give into Niel, and that was when I felt Jonghyun touch me for the first time in weeks. It was the first time that he’s looked at me, and it hurts. It was after the performance that I ran and locked myself in one of the restrooms on another floor, far enough so no one could hear.

I looked in the mirror; at the shattered remnant of what was I before. I know the difference between myself and my reflection, but I can’t help but to wonder which of us does he love. I don’t know why, but I broke the mirror. I can’t stand seeing that stranger taking who I am and what I love. I looked down at my knuckles and see the bleeding.

I bleed.

And I feel the tears finally escaping my eyes, my chest constricting painfully and my hands shaking as I held my head. I’m shaking as I see the fragments of the mirror on the ground and I just bleed. My soul and my body bleed. I feel myself screaming, but I don’t hear a thing. Everything is silent and I feel myself losing. It’s harder to breathe, and I feel myself losing.

I bleed.

I breathe.

I bleed.

I breathe no more.