Jinhwan/Hanbin| PG-13 | 16,000/? words| AU | Angst
everything in jinhwan's life is falling apart, and never is a good time to fall in love.

jinhwan is the excellent speaker during basic grammar and reading, fluency in english accompanied by a nasal voice. jinhwan is the foolish stranger who mistakenly thinks that this is a new start. he talks about why he left the city and settled for that small town, even though he too, is not really sure. he talks about his depression on the first few days for the introductory speeches, because he thinks that’s one of the few interesting things left about himself. but he later on realizes that that is a mistake. out of the forty pairs of ears in those classrooms, no one pays attention.

jinhwan is the loner, preferring to keep to himself because it’s easier that way. jinhwan is the ghost going in and out of classroom. his is the often empty seat for english and history and most of his classes, really. the only reason for his absences is self-diagnosed insomnia, unsupported by excuse letters or admission slips. But only because it’s easier to put that way.

jinhwan is the fleeting butterfly.

except butterflies are beautiful.

and jinhwan is undoubtedly and undeniably just not.

//

there’s always a quiet rush to jinhwan’s footsteps. it’s barely noticeable but it’s there, commanding his every move, every decision. but the rush is simply just jinhwan wanting to be locked in his room as soon as possible, for as long as possible.

his classmates take interest on him, being that most of them want to go to the big city instead of being trapped in that nowhere of a place, and that it’s such a rare occasion that someone would choose to be there. or at least, initially they do.

they treat him specially at first, too: going out of their way to speak in the standard dialect to help him understand, help him adjust to the new surroundings. they realize that jinhwan can’t really offer them anything but insincere smiles and offhand comments that no one wants to deal with, simply because it isn’t what they want to hear. it’s exactly the kind of relationship no one would want to keep.

//

there are only five english majors for their level. they are drawn to each other, simply for the fact that they’re such a small population and they’d be classmates for all their major subjects and there really isn’t another way to go. they’re jinhwan’s home in that unsafe environment, but even that is an overstatement. they’re his shelter, but it’d be more correct to say that they’re his umbrella. one will only bring an umbrella if he knows it will rain. it’s bothersome to carry around an umbrella that will not be used. he’s only with them for as long as he needs, until he arrives to a full shed. but jinhwan doesn’t think that time will ever come.

he goes with them though, out of comfort or lack thereof; out of ease, out of need for when he’s had enough of the voices in his head. and he needs something real, something tangible. but it’s never enough.

//

Jinhwan has taken up digital art since spring semester began. He does covers of 2014 songs that no one will probably listen to. He also writes. Like this, he’s made a habit of running away. even if he’s locked in the four corners of his room, he’s running away. He sleeps and eats to escape, when other people do that for survival. He wants to switch off his brain most of the time but his thoughts don’t even make sense. It’s just chaos all over. It’s too loud, and Jinhwan wants nothing but sweet, sweet silence.

He attends to his hobbies on his free time, time he should be spending on working on homeworks and reports but Jinhwan is just ed up, to put it simply. He’s got his priorities twisted, and he thinks, oh god he thinks, that being kind to himself is the top priority.

Being kind to himself is pulling away when he’s had enough. It’s not getting out of bed when his chest is too heavy to even set his feet on the floor. It’s pretending to fiddle with his phone when he knows he’ll pass by someone he knows. It’s hanging out with his classmates when his room suffocates him. It’s sitting out for quizzes he hasn’t studied for. It’s not showering when he doesn’t have the heart to. It’s escape. It’s drawing and singing and writing…even if he doesn’t know what those things mean anymore.

Being kind to himself is suicide.

But he hasn’t gotten around to doing that, yet.

//

jinhwan is a blank canvas: there’s rarely an expression on his face, that when his classmates tells him about something mundane, they’d have to ask, “are you following me?” because there’s no indication from his face that he’s actually trying to absorb information.  it’s always those empty eyes that gape at others, so he stops wondering why people don’t even greet him anymore, because even if they do, he never reacts. he’s forgotten how to.

jinhwan is a blank canvas, but he will disagree. he thinks that a deep body of water is a better fit for a metaphor. it’s not that there’s nothing on his mind, it’s that there’s too much chaos, and he needs the stillness for a front.

jinhwan isn’t actually quiet. he speaks when he’s comfortable enough with the people around him, that’s what donghyuk tells him when they’re hanging out at the benches near the gym. and jinhwan doesn’t know what he’s doing there. perhaps he’s grown tired of his own company. perhaps he’s looking for something new, for a change that he’s not sure he wants.

and they’re talking about first impressions, his friends—if he could call them that—being considerate and talking in the standard dialect just for him.

And they don’t really point out anything special, just that they thought it interesting that someone from the big city is their classmate. Of course. What does Jinhwan even expect? There’s nothing memorable about him.

But first impressions last, and Jinhwan has oddly put a certain importance to that. Jinhwan remembers that Donghyuk has looked like a nerd with his glasses on, that Junhoe has an annoying voice and he should stop wearing white socks with black slacks, that Hanbin has a face and speaks English with an accent unique to him. Jinhwan also remembers thinking that Hanbin should stop staring at Jisoo. Jisoo and her pretty smile, but nothing interesting. None of them has seemed like people Jinhwan could build friendships with—yet here they are: as distant as friends can get.

Jinhwan briefly ponders if he can call it an irony.

//

donghyuk is telling the group how one of their classmates from the last semester (jinhwan doesn’t know which one, nor does he ask) has stopped attending her classes because she got knocked up. there’s a plethora of reactions around the table—murmurs, scoffs, additional details—most of which fly past jinhwan’s ears.

he’s looking on blankly, watching from the sidelines as the animated conversation simmers down to small talk.

and hanbin is nudging him with his elbow. “did you even understand anything,” and jinhwan knows he’s not asking.

they’re at it again. takes his lack of reaction as a hint of ignorance. it’s not that he doesn’t understand. god, he’s been in that town for two years now. it’s that he can’t understand what he’s doing there, and why he’s still listening in on the conversation when there’s nothing in it for him, when he’d forget about it once he steps into his room.

jinhwan blinks twice, then replies when he should have probably just nodded, “condoms. or lack of.”

and hanbin is laughing like there’s something funny with what jinhwan has said. Maybe there is, Jinhwan isn’t really sure, because no one has ever laughed at anything he said except for Jinhwan himself, though he only does that inwardly.

and so a smile makes its way to jinhwan’s mouth, and for some reason, it goes all the way to his eyes.

//

there’s one particular week, when everyone—including Jinhwan himself—thinks that jinhwan has missed more than enough classes to get called out for it but no one says a word.

he’s managed to bring himself to get out of bed, take a shower and put on his clothes, walk the few minutes to his classroom and actually sit in. it’s such a huge accomplishment that jiinhwan mentally pats himself on the shoulder.

it’s his only class for the day, the other class requires an individual research paper that the professor has assigned to them just because he wanted to. jinhwan doesn’t attend that class anymore, refusing to deal with that kind of unnecessary stress since he felt like killing himself when the assignment was first announced, knowing there’s no way in hell he can even begin to do it.

so when the 90 minutes is up, he, along with his classmates, is out the door once the class is dismissed.

and they go their separate ways from there, like they usually do. no one says goodbye to jinhwan. and he thinks, maybe it’s because he has never really said goodbye back. or maybe it’s because no one really likes him and they’re not being secretive about it anymore. Maybe it’s because it won’t matter if he disappeared.

It’s either he’s thinking too much or he’s right.

It’s just tough luck that he’s almost always right.

//

It’s so damn quiet. It’s so damn quiet in his head, in his room, and in the group chat that his classmates have initially created to talk behind one of their classmates’ back. Jinhwan has been so thankful it wasn’t him. But maybe not anymore.

His mind conjures up the first thought it could muster. Maybe Jinhwan is bored. Maybe he’s empty and he needs a distraction. But it’s the first thought, and it’s better than emptiness—anything is better than emptiness.

The thought plants a seed of doubt in his head and in his chest, the thoughts nurture that seed until it’s fully grown, until it reaches the ceiling and looms a cloud over jinhwan’s head—all in just a few minutes.

And it’s not so quiet anymore. The voices in his head are yelling over each other, breaking the silence, filling the stale air with the chaos that Jinhwan should be used to by now, as he’s experienced it so much already but isn’t.

The voices say that his classmates have created another chat room so they can talk about Jinhwan this time around. And it’s so so stupid. His classmates probably don’t even care about him that much. But it’s the only explanation he could give as to why no one’s been saying since Monday.

No one even cares if he’s there or not. It just doesn’t make a difference. And Jinhwan hates himself because it’s so easy to do, and he doesn’t doubt that his ‘friends’ hate him, too.

//

It’s suddenly Friday. It’s last period, but oddly enough, it’s the first class that Jinhwan attends for the day.

Hanbin is looking at him with his usual face—not that it’s ever bothered Jinhwan. He knew enough not to judge a book by its cover—but there’s something more. Hanbin stares on, and it somehow feels like he wants to say something and so Jinhwan just looks back at him, neither of them saying a thing until a few minutes later.

“You missed our classes again.”

Jinhwan is surprised, but it’s not a strong enough emotion to actually make a dent on the blank expression on his face.

So now you noticed?

Hanbin sounds accusing, and he looks at Jinhwan with distaste, and it almost feels like he’s expected something more from Jinhwan, only to be disappointed. Jinhwan doesn’t know if he can bet on that.

Jinhwan doesn’t say anything, just casts his gaze down after he’s looked at Hanbin enough. And honestly, what does he even say to that?

“You really should stop doing this.”

That’s the first thing that makes sense in that long week. All the other days just mend into each other. All the other seconds just spiral into one huge blur. And Jinhwan is suddenly awake. Hanbin’s words are the cold shower after lying mindlessly on the bed for thirty minutes. Jinhwan is suddenly awake but he’s still so sleepy his heart is beating raggedly against his chest. It’s such a heavy feeling so he takes one steady breath, or maybe three.

Jinhwan meets Hanbin’s eyes, and for the first time in a long while, it feels like someone actually cares.

“I know,” he breathes out.

“Sure you do,” Hanbin agrees, in that vaguely sarcastic tone Jinhwan’s mother uses on him when she’s chiding him. “Why don’t you try harder, then?” Hanbin asks, though whether as a challenge or a genuine inquisition, Jinhwan can’t quite figure out. It seems to be lying right at the middle.

Jinhwan opens his mouth to retaliate, but finds that he actually has nothing to say. He doesn’t have to say anything, anyway, doesn’t owe anyone an explanation for why he is the way he is. He just is, and there are really no other words to explain that. It’s not like Hanbin will even understand.

There’s a glint in Hanbin’s eyes. It looks like a realization, or regret. Jinhwan doesn’t look at him long enough to see that, though. He casts his eyes at the lecturer walking into the classroom, leaving the question hanging in the air as though it wasn’t even casted in the first place.

//

Someone breaks, and it’s not Jinhwan. He doesn’t care enough to make such a fuss in public.

It’s just a little past 12 and they’re in the cafeteria for their lunch. Everything’s the same—jinhwan existing but not quite—save for the heavy atmosphere that has never been there whenever they decided to pretend he didn’t exist.

Maybe it’s because of the fact that Jinhwan hasn’t been around much. He’s more ghost-like. His friends rarely see him and he’s missing more classes than he’s attending. And to his friends, it may seem like they’re losing him more and more, but that’s just how Jinhwan feels on the inside. He’s losing more of himself by the second and he doesn’t know what he’s doing there.

Maybe it’s because he hasn’t given much input to their group projects. Maybe it’s because he’s more of a burden to them than he’d like to admit. Maybe it’s because he’s also absent for the chorale practices, and junhoe doesn’t appreciate that he’s left him alone for the practices even if they don’t talk even then.

Maybe it’s payback for the time that he commented on junhoe’s white socks to his face. Maybe it’s because he’s openly commended junhoe’s confidence since he doesn’t see an ugly face when he looks at his reflection in the mirror and Jinhwan does. Maybe it’s because junhoe took that as sarcasm instead of the compliment it was. Maybe junhoe can’t stand his guts.

Or you know. Maybe it’s all of those things, all at once.

Someone breaks. And it’s junhoe.

No one says a word when they’re usually conversing over lunch. The air is thick with silence, and Jinhwan doesn’t particularly mind. It’s not like he’d be included in the conversation anyway, but it’s obvious that something is wrong.

Jinhwan doesn’t really see the point in being there, so he gets up and slings his bag over his shoulder as he’s about to leave.

“What the is wrong with you?” Junhoe’s loud voice pierces through the air when he puts his utensils down, gaze heavy on Jinhwan who stops in his tracks.

Jinhwan slightly quirks an eyebrow, but it’s barely noticeable.

Junhoe pushes his chair when he stands up, scratching the feet of the chair against the floor and effectively catching everyone’s attention in the hall.

“You think you’re so great, huh? You think you’re so great and we’re so below you, right? You're so lazy! So damn selfish! Did you think you could get a free ride and not attend a class? Did you think we didn’t need your input at all? You never even asked how we were doing on the project!”

Junhoe shoves him along with words the younger probably thinks are venomous. Jinhwan almost stumbles over his own feet but he just takes a step back as junhoe continues to shove him. jinhwan doesn't let a hint of emotion show up on his face, but maybe it's because there's nothing to show in the first place. How is he even supposed to react in this situation? He wants to laugh, as it baffles him how someone saying such stupid things could be breathing the same air as him.

“Stop it. Hey.”

Jinhwan can't pinpoint the exact moment that hanbin takes it upon himself to be the wall that separates junhoe from jinhwan, not before a particularly strong swing of junhoe’s fist though, landing straight at jinhwan’s cheek and jinhwan finds himself on the floor.

He looks around and isn't surprised when he realizes that the whole cafeteria's attention is on them. There’s pain in his face and he’s red in the neck when he throws a look at Donghyuk and Jisoo who don't return his gaze. No one, not even him, makes a move to pick himself up on the floor. This is how he realizes that despite the patrons crowding around them, he's utterly, completely alone.

And that's fine. He's always reminded himself that he doesn't go to school to make friends and be understood. He comes here to get an education, but he’ll be lying to everyone if he says that out loud. He can’t even do that much. Junhoe has said the truth.

Jinhwan is frozen on the floor, fingers and toes cold. It’s such an inconvenient time to be writing poems in his head that he plans to jot down the moment he gets home but the words are there. They are words to junhoe, words he’ll never say.

you’re not the one trying to fill up a hole of an existence.
you’re not the one looking for things to do at 3am when all you should be doing is sleeping.
you’re not the one forcing out tears just so there’d be something.
you’re not the one holding back tears when there’s nothing to cry over.
you’re not the one who wakes up every day wishing he doesn’t.
you’re not the one asking to be run over by a car just to get it all over with.
you’re not the one contemplating suicide.
you’re not the one thinking you’d look your prettiest with your lifeless body hanging from the post.
you’re not the one.

and damn, i too wish i’m not the one.

you don’t have the right to tell me what i am and what i should do. you don’t know my story. you don’t understand.

“you can’t do this, junhoe. You don’t know him. you don’t understand.”

It isn’t jinhwan’s voice but hanbin’s.

Hanbin pulls him up to his feet and takes him by the hand, leading him away from prying eyes. Hanbin's hand is so warm against Jinhwan's and the latter lets himself be led away.

Hanbin brings him to the secluded bench behind the library building not far from the one they used to frequent before they realized that the mosquitoes aren’t worth it. A lone tree stands by the tall fences, obscuring their view of the soccer field and effectively hiding them away from the world since no one walks through the long path that led them there. There’s nowhere to go from there, anyway, except for the bench near them now.

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin begins, squeezing jinhwan’s hand and not letting go.

“What are you even apologizing for,” Jinhwan half-asks.

“it probably doesn’t mean anything but I feel that way. I feel like I could have prevented that from happening but I didn’t.” There’s a flash of guilt on Hanbin’s features, the one that Jinhwan didn’t get the chance to see the other day. “Regardless, you didn’t deserve to hear those words.”

Hanbin looks distraught. There’s a hint of sadness painting his usually lazy—if not tired—gaze.

It feels like Jinhwan is watching the scene from his tv screen, but when he realizes that this, this kindness is being yielded to him, tears begin to well up in his eyes. He doesn’t deserve hanbin’s kindness at all.

Jinhwan heaves a breath, “I-I don’t care.”

At the sight of the fold on hanbin’s forehead, he adds, “I mean, it doesn’t matter if others have a twisted perception of me. I don’t care. I can’t care.” 

Hanbin looks baffled. “Really? You can’t care? You’re just planning to let Junhoe and everyone in the cafeteria think that you’re some arrogant of a free loader?”

“It doesn’t affect me in any way.”

“You don’t want to clear things up? You don’t want to hear an apology?”

Hanbin’s saying all the words Jinhwan will tell himself if he hasn’t given up on making other people understand.

Jinhwan shakes his head.

“You deserve it though.”

Hanbin looks like he means it. Maybe he does.

“You’re more than all the things Junhoe says you are.”

Jinhwan scoffs, “You don’t know that.”

“No, you don’t allow us to know anything. You’re pushing us away.”

“I’m just-“ Jinhwan looks at hanbin’s chest instead of his eyes, “-running away. There is a difference.”

“Whatever you call it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t let us in.”

“Do you even want to?”

“What!”

“Do you even want to be let in? Do you even want to know me? Because I haven’t seen you try. So if you’re doing this because you pity me, stop. If you’re doing this so you’d be free of guilt, then don’t. Spare me from your bull, alright? I don’t need your pity and your faux kindness. I don’t need you.”

There’s a moment, a fleeting moment where they look at each other and Jinhwan knows he’s said more than he’s ever intended to let out. There’s pleading in Hanbin’s eyes, and later on in his voice when he says “Wait!” but Jinhwan is already walking away.

Jinhwan is so tired of people walking into his life and leaving behind a storm right as they leave upon the realization that it’s not worth staying.

And Jinhwan agrees: It never is.

//

Jinhwan wishes he can say that the following days are unbearable. Walking into a classroom knowing that there's at least one person there who hates his guts makes him wish he reacts differently but he doesn't even react. He's surprisingly—to everyone who witnessed or heard about the cafeteria incident, at least—okay with it, but personally, he’s indifferent just like he always is.

That noon is now just a fuzzy memory, and the embarrassment he felt during the whole ordeal should be something he’d kick his blanket over but he doesn’t even feel anything towards it anymore. There’s not even one bit of hatred for junhoe, who walks on eggshells around him, not knowing how to act.

Junhoe stays behind in their table while the rest of their friends fall in line for lunch. Usually, it's jinhwan who stays back and looks after their belongings until at least one of his classmates arrive so he looks at junhoe oddly and asks "Are you not going to buy anything?"

Junhoe just looks at him, and jinhwan can sense his discomfort so he makes a move to go. "I'll just go ahead first."

"Wait, Jinhwan I—" Junhoe begins, and Jinhwan stops to look at him.

"I'm sorry," Junhoe says, looking down in guilt.

"Okay."

Junhoe turns his head up to him, looking like he can’t believe what he just heard. "What?"

"It's exactly what I said. Okay."

Junhoe blinks at him twice.

"If you say so," Junhoe says, rubbing a non-itch on his head with a finger.

Junhoe looks down on the floor and it looks like he's waiting for a miracle to get him out of that situation. Said miracle arrives in the form of Hanbin just as jinhwan is about to turn on his heel, with his lunch tray in one hand, telling the older to take a seat.

Jinhwan mindlessly obeys and Hanbin motions for junhoe to go. Junhoe then shuffles on his feet.

“You either didn't give him a chance, or that was the shortest apology I've seen in my entire life.”

“He knows what he did wrong, so what else do you need?” Jinhwan quirks an eyebrow up. “Not like it was totally uncalled for, those things he said… I kinda deserved it.”

“Wow, you're so hard on yourself.” Hanbin smiles either in amusement or disbelief.

“I'd take that as a compliment if you were serious.”

Jinhwan stills when Hanbin holds his face by the chin, examining the purple bruise on his upper cheek. He crinkles his nose. “I told you to put cold compress on your cheek.”

“You never said anything.”

“I did, too. Check your Katalk,” Hanbin says, tilting his head to the side.

Jinhwan produces his phone from his pocket and does as he’s told. And there it is: a dm from Hanbin that says exactly what he said just now and another one that says ‘take care’. Somehow he’s never received a notification for it.

Jinhwan doesn’t say anything and just stares at the table for a moment. He doesn’t know what to make of Hanbin’s texts and he doesn’t want to worry himself about what it means and just contributes it to Hanbin just being kind like he is to jisoo and most probably everyone else.

The pain up his face does bother him a bit but he hasn’t made a move to tend to the discoloration. The human body is stupid and can recuperate on its own; Jinhwan wishes it doesn’t.

“I meant every single word, by the way.” Hanbin begins, and when Jinhwan gives him a look that says he doesn’t understand, Hanbin adds, “about you being too hard on yourself.” He then takes a carton of banana flavoured milk from his tray and places it in front of Jinhwan.

“I don't really need an apology. I wasn't even offended. Kinda wish I was.” Jinhwan shrugs and eyes the carton of milk.  ”So I can feel something,” he adds under his breath, but judging from hanbin’s proximity, he knows he heard him. He worries his lower lip, and mentally smacks himself for not having a mouth filter. He regrets saying important things to people who won’t think they are.

Hanbin stares at him openly, and it looks like he wants to say something but he decides against it and just puts two sandwiches in front of Jinhwan. Jinhwan furrows his eyebrows at him and the others arrive at their table and take their seats, junhoe sitting beside Jinhwan awkwardly just because all the other chairs are taken.

“Your lunch,” Hanbin says, adding a chocolate bar to his donations. “Since I know you don’t eat enough to last a day.”

“What’s this?” Donghyuk asks. “I’ve never seen you treat anyone except Jisoo,” he points out.

“She’s a girl,” Hanbin says, as if it adds anything to the discussion.

“Gender is a mere social construct!” Donghyuk turns to junhoe and babbles about gender equality.

“I do get what you mean though,” Jisoo tells Hanbin, putting her sandwich down just to talk. “My brothers dote on me since I’m the only girl in the family,” she says, ending with a pretty smile on her pretty mouth.

“Your mother?” Jinhwan deadpans.

“She’s alive,” Jisoo tells him, and Hanbin on his side tries to hide a snigger at sleeve, catching everyone’s attention.

“What’s so funny?” Junhoe demands, but shrinks back in his seat when Hanbin just shakes his head and smiles at Jinhwan.

Hanbin eyes both Jinhwan and Jisoo, and Jinhwan pulls out his wallet, taking out a few bills and handing them to Hanbin. Hanbin flushes and places his hands in front of him, refusing the cash being offered.

“You don’t need to do this.”

“And you didn’t need to give me anything, either.”

“I just noticed you’ve grown thinner, alright? Seriously, just eat. I’m just concerned. You don’t even have to thank me.”

Jinhwan cautiously eyes Hanbin before he reluctantly puts the bills back into his wallet. There is distrust, most probably unjustified distrust, and most probably just Jinhwan being his paranoid self. He wonders what brought about this action, this kindness. What’s hanbin’s reason behind it? Or is there a reason at all? Can he trust that Hanbin is being sincere?

“Are you even in the position to be giving out free food?” junhoe wonders aloud.

“Come on, it’s just food. Why are you making a big deal out of it? It’s rude to Jinhwan hyung,” he says, then he faces Jinhwan at his right. “Eat now, hyung.”

It’s an offhand thought but it makes Jinhwan want to run away: maybe they’re being like this because it’s him Hanbin is being generous to, and they really wouldn’t mind if it’s anyone else. Jinhwan drops the thought and picks up his sandwich instead, forcing it down his throat.

“You need the money,” Junhoe tells Hanbin.

Hanbin shakes his head. “More than that, I need a place to stay.”

Jinhwan coughs, food slugged in his throat and Hanbin is quick to hand him his bottled water. He takes a drink, and by the time his airway is clear, he’s a bit red in the face and his eyes are welling up with tears.

“Thank you,” Jinhwan squeaks, giving back the bottle. He clears his throat a second time just to be sure. “What happened?”

Jinhwan’s words award him the attention of his classmates, more than choking on his food did. It’s so rare for them to witness Jinhwan actively participating in a conversation, and it’s a bit weird since they’ve been talking about hanbin’s situation for the past few days and he’s the only one who doesn’t know.

Hanbin gapes at him for a few moments until he gathers about his wits, answering jinhwan’s inquisition. “My roommates are moving out this Friday and I can’t pay the rent for four people.”

“Why can’t they bring you with them?”

“See, they’re siblings and they’re moving to their aunt’s, and I’m not family so…” Hanbin trails off, looking dejected.

“Have you tried looking for new roommates?”

“It’s the middle of the sem so it’s really hard to find new people, even more difficult to find a new place,” donghyuk supplies. “Do you know anyone who has a free room, hyung?”

Jinhwan doesn’t give it much thought knowing full well it’d be fruitless since he’s as social as a lamp post. He shakes his head, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, hyung. Just eat. Slowly.”

//

Jinhwan can blame it on the lack of sleep. In fact, he can blame every day to the lack of sleep. It makes him feel like he’s floating in space, not understanding a single thing the lecturers blab about. It slows his footsteps but makes him want to run home. It makes him crave for that spike in his bloodstream that only caffeine can provide, which is ironic to some extent. Coffee makes him palpitate and gives him a headache. Like dying. But it tastes so good, so Jinhwan can’t possibly mind.

He can barely feel anything when he steps out of the classroom but he can see hanbin’s face and he’s clearly waiting for him, going so far as extending an arm out to him. Hanbin’s practically hauling Jinhwan with his body. “Might wanna rush. Don’t wanna be late,” he whispers, and Jinhwan can pinpoint the exact moment he feels hanbin’s warmth around his arm and his side, the moment he takes a breath and inhales hanbin’s scent. Hanbin faintly smells of coffee and vanilla, and there’s a hint of peaches and mango. It’s probably just his body wash.

Jinhwan is suddenly hyperaware of the person dragging him. It’s like being handed a flashlight in the middle of the dark, like a momentary unveiling of the fog.

“You know I can’t sing for , right?” Hanbin laughs, eyes crinkling when he pauses mid step just before the staircase to hand Jinhwan an already opened canned coffee. Jinhwan clutches his heart because it’s already beating so hard in his chest before he even takes a sip of the coffee.

Stop this.

“And I have two left feet.”

No one wants to be late for their Health 101 class because tardiness means getting in front of the whole class and performing a song as punishment, except Jinhwan probably.

“I want to sing though,” Jinhwan says after he finishes most of the coffee.

“I won’t let you.” He smiles mischievously at Jinhwan before he pulls him up the stairs by the hand and runs the steps.

Jinhwan is pleasantly surprised to find that he can keep up, courtesy of the adrenaline kicking up in his system, that he’s sure the coffee can’t be held accountable for. It’s too early for its effects to be evident; it’s probably just his heart being silly.

Or I might get used to this.

Jinhwan tries saving hanbin’s by saying it’s his fault that they were late. The professor gives them both a raise of an eyebrow, and Jinhwan just takes it as his cue to sing. Hanbin looks uncomfortable when they share a look, and it’s then that he finds the words and the song to sing.

Shine on you
yeah boy you're the sunshine in my life
Shine on you
I’m illuminate you.
Come here and lean on my shoulder

It’s a song that’s been stuck in his head for too long, a song sung by his favourite underground crew, but surprisingly, it is the first time since he first listened to it that he finds a thread to relate the song to his life.

And he doesn’t really like it. He looks at Hanbin throughout the class wondering what has changed. He dislikes it more when Hanbin returns his gaze almost every single time. He finds it hard to focus in class. It feels like his head is out somewhere else.

Jinhwan finds Hanbin who stands out with his pink cap in the sea of backpacks and heads flooding the hallway at the sound of the bell. He thinks for a moment, and within seconds, he manoeuvres around and through to the boy. He puts a hand around hanbin’s arm, and when Hanbin recognizes the presence behind him, he automatically slows down.

“What are you doing?” Jinhwan asks.

A frown mars hanbin’s face and Jinhwan thinks it doesn’t quite belong there. “What do you mean?”

They stop walking, and the crowd leaves them behind in the hall. They saunter to the railing, overlooking the male volleyball match on the quadrangle below.

Jinhwan wants to ask himself the same question. He doesn’t make sense. His train of thought has yet again got ahead of him.

“What have you been doing these past two weeks?” He makes a hopeless attempt at being clear. “To me?”

Hanbin doesn’t show a hint of understanding so Jinhwan tries again. “Free lunch last Monday? The coffee today? You waiting for me after every class? You getting late because of me?” Jinhwan isn’t really sure if there’s something noteworthy about the things that Hanbin has done. Maybe it’s just what friends do and he’s just overthinking. But are they even friends?

A look of realization dawns on hanbin’s face and he makes a sound to tell Jinhwan he understands.

“What’s up with that?” Jinhwan questions. “Because I’m not sure what to think. I don’t know how to take it.”

“Just take it as it is. It’s just me trying. More actively. You said you wanted to see me try,” Hanbin says, and he says it with such ease that it makes Jinhwan feel stupid for even asking. Jinhwan can’t help but laugh.

“I never said that.”

“Well yeah,” Hanbin tells him, thinking back to what jinhwan actually said during the confrontation. “Same difference though.” Hanbin smiles cheekily.

“Yeah yeah,” Jinhwan says dismissively, knowing he’s arguing a moot point.

They don’t say a word for a minute. They just watch the heated match below unfold. It’s a lazy afternoon, and Jinhwan closes his eyes for a moment when the wind blows and the breeze smells of pine. He badly wants to sleep.

“Nice!” Hanbin comments when one of the taller guys spikes the ball and the other team fails to receive the ball in time. Jinhwan fails to witness the moment but he doesn’t fail to ogle the spiker.

“He’s hot,” Jinhwan mutters offhandedly, mostly to himself, but he’s pretty sure Hanbin has heard him.

When he realizes he’s openly admired one of the guys in front of Hanbin, he walks away from the railing and starts to walk again.

“I really do care about you,” Hanbin calls after him, and Jinhwan doesn’t respond for fear he’d say something stupid other than the somehow obligatory ‘I care about you, too.’ Or at least, Jinhwan feels that’s what most people would say in that situation. Well, he’s not most people, and honestly, he’s not really sure if he cares about Hanbin. It makes him feel inhuman, but it’s hard to actually care for anyone or anything these days. He can’t help it.

“And I like it when you smile,” Hanbin adds, eyes trained on jinhwan’s mouth, as if willing a smile to blossom there just like it did a few moments ago. It doesn’t happen.

“Yeah yeah.”

“They didn’t even wait for us,” Hanbin says dejectedly after scouring their surroundings for familiar faces and failing.

“Did they even notice we were gone?” He asks in disbelief, and Jinhwan dislikes hearing the questions just because they’re so familiar to his ears. They are the questions he asks himself every day of the week, and hearing those things from Hanbin makes him feel like it’s not enough that he’s the only one with him now. And frankly, he’s