Chanyeol smile, not his usually big smile that blind the whole world, but weak smile to cover the odd pang inside his heart. He think, he know where Baekhyun lead this convo to.

 

"i think, we don't match to each other anymore, Yeol" Baekhyun shift his gaze from the bartender, to Chanyeol

"i think we, our hearts didn't fit to eachother anymore. You and i, already change. Improved. But this relationship didn't. It keeps stuck at somewhere at me and you don't know where it is"

 

"it is" chanyeol respones lightly.

 

"you want this right?"

 

"huh?"

 

"to be free? To have nothing in your legs that hold you to grab what you want? To freed your heart and have what you can't?. I know, i've being that bastard who keep nags and keeps you from the world" Baekhyun try to get Chanyeol attention by caresses his backhand gently "your heart want this right?".

 

With that look on Baekhyun's eyes, the final decision gaze, Chanyeol couldn't do anything except say

 

"it is"

 

Then Baekhyun give a gesture like he wants to give chanyeol a hug. But he stopped when he sees the boys glassy eyes.

"i guess this is it then" Baekhyun stood up and grab his things from the bar desk "it's been a beautiful years, Yeol".

 

Chanyeol could hear his heart cracking at this point.

 

"but, you know" Baekhyun continue "your solar plexus already tired to have me"

 

Chanyeol shrug his shoulder "maybe.. it is"

 

Then baekhyun dissapeared with a shushed bye that Chanyeol not answer because deep down in his heart, he still hopes Baekhyun would comeback and placed his chin on the top of baekhyun soft hairstrand.

 

He finished his n-th glass of beer then deciding to go home because that annoying bartender keep telling him he's drunk enough to gulps another liquor to his system. Like those old days. Baekhyun would rants to everything that he saw. He throwed tantrum almost every second. But he doesn't mind. It's cute, actually. How his thin brows will knit together, and his cheek is puffy, and his sweet-plum lips will grew a several centimeters.

 

 

"it is" Chanyeol answer his own hearts. He walks to the parking lawn, made a few glossy car had their scratches from his bumper, and drive his car. Don't ask. He don't know where to go, either. He even don't know what to do with his life. it's always been 'baekhyun and chanyeol, we coming' or 'baekhyun and chanyeol, dinner's ready'

 

He just keep goes on. Even it is not in the phase of moving on yet.

*

It's hard to reach this place. He has to keep himself focus in the midst of his headache and his blurry eyes. He keep himself silent. Even though his cheek already stained with small relief of a river. That river keep a steady stream, and sobs sometimes escape from his lips here and there.

 

 

"it is" chanyeol answer another question his heart gave.

It's hurt so much. The area behind his abdomen is throbbing, his lungs felt like he's inhale carbon dioxide too much he couldn't process it to an oxygen. His heart beating low and hard it sent pain on each beat.

 

Then Chanyeol glaces his reflection on the car's front glass. This is the shirt Baekhyun gave, but he can't remember when. Maybe that's why Baekhyun left. He can't remember anything right.

 

He took of his shirt and saw Baekhyun's name in hangul and pinyin on his inner arm, vertically written side by side in a beautiful carved font. He ussually smile when he saw this tattoo in the old days. Now he still smiling, but his chest throbbing so hard it made that smile disappeared in a blink. He sobs.. And sobs.. And sobs while watching how beautiful that name carved in his arm.

 

Maybe, if he wants to get rid from this scary pain, he should cut Baekhyun out. Cut Baekhyun out from his skin, from his life.

 

Then he took his Swiss knife he got from his birthday, and start to place that metal onto his arm. That knife slowly makes it's way inside Chanyeol's flesh with a painful feel. But it's okay. It's distract his pain on his solar plexus, and his mind from thinking Baekhyun's sweet kiss.

 

Blood smeared all over his hand, covering that name of Baekhyun from his skin. The pain slowly clouded his mind. It feels like cutting yourself with a knife. And that's exactly what he's doing. Maybe, his brain finally work and giving a correct respond. It used to be giving him a pain that hurt so much whenever Baekhyun saw onto his eyes and Chanyeol realize he lost Baekhyun's love for him. He didn't hit anything. Nothing is pinned on his body. But it kept gave him a pain that you will chosen to died instead of felt that.

 

But then, Han river shows him the sparkle of the moonlight Chanyeol used to love. Under the moonlight, chanyeol confess for the first time to baekhyun and kiss him right on his lips for the first time, as well. That kiss is passionate, sweet, delicate and beautiful. Just like Baekhyun himself.

 

 

"it is" Chanyeol finally cried. He crying and burried his face on the steer and let out his tears washed all his trouble. Then his eyes clouded with a blue, white, and black smoke. Dissolved with the view he really saw. Then in a second, everything's turn into white. Baekhyun face flashed in front of him.

 

"baek" chanyeol said to himself "i don't want this. The only thing i could ever ask in this world is you" he crying and let out sob escapes "i'm sorry i made you feel like that. I need your love. You already the part of my system. I don't want this. My heart doesn't want this baek.."

 

"i love you"

 

"my heart's want you, it's not like what are you thinking"

 

 

"it's not!"

 

 

"it's not baek.."

 

 

 

Then he fell into a pitch black darkness. He guess, he sleep. He's wasted anyway.

***

"this Hanbin live from han river. a man found died in his car this morning, monday, november 27th on 06.00 am by the security. This man is commited suicide. He kills himself with a knife and tore his inner arm about 15cm long. The blood is drained from his body. He's brought to the nearest hospital and the police officer try to call the man's collegue. Now, we back again to the main studio.."