They don’t really understand what’s behind those smiles and bright eyes. They don’t understand what every word does to him. He reminds himself to smile and think positive through it all. He knows that people will misunderstand him and he knows that not everyone will like him when he reads the hateful comments.

But it all changes when she’s there smiling at him with open arms. Her sweet voice reassuring him, “It’ll be okay. Tell me about your day.” She listens to him even if it’s just, “I’m too tired, later.” It doesn’t matter to her if he yells at her because of his stress. She loves him so she endures it. She never showed him anything but her bright side.

On nights he's not tired, he's sweet to her and tells her how much he loves her as they cuddle and kiss in bed as she plays with his hair.  Some nights she lays alone wondering how he’s doing because she knows he doesn’t like being disturbed while he’s working. So she waits for his return.

He’s always tired but she’s always there, she’s his security net. She’s always going to be there. He looks forward to going home to her even if she’s fallen asleep. Sometimes he feels horrible for taking his stress out on her. But she says she understands since he’s an idol. He’s grateful and he promises he’ll do better next time. He promises he’ll buy them a house to raise their kids in. One day.

When they argue he says things in the heat of the moment, “Why are you even here?” But she simply smiles and looks at him, “Because I love you, Chanyeol, that’s why.” And when he looks at her he feels the guilt pour over him and he’s hugging her and apologizing.

He knows that she’ll always say that no matter how angry she is. But one day it’s not the same. He’s angry – the stress of being an idol is weighing him down so he talks to her and she listens. But he only gets more and more angry. “They say I’m rude because I called Jongin dark. They say I’m insensitive.” He spits out as he massages his temples. She sits there, his head on her lap as she hums in response. She knows he just wants her to listen.

“They’re all like that. You’re probably like that too.” He sits up exploding at her. She sits there confused. “Of course not.” She grabs for his hand but he moves away.

“Don’t lie to me. Someone told me you were just using me.” He stands up wanting to get away from her. She sits there unsure of what she can do. She’s done everything she could to be there for him but she knew she couldn’t be there forever. So she goes along with it.

“Why are you still here. Let’s end this.” He looks at her knowing what she’ll say next. Because I love you, Chanyeol, that’s why.

“Ok.” She whispers to him as she gets her belongings and leaves not looking back. I’m sorry, I love you.

He’s shocked and he doesn’t know what to do.  He thinks it’s a sick joke and that she’ll turn back any minute. But she doesn’t come back. She never does.

Days turn into weeks and weeks into months and he’s lost his balance. He’s at the lowest point in his life. He messed up and it took him this long to realize it. He needed her. But her phone is disconnected. He goes to her favorite restaurants, stores, and parks. But he can’t find her.

He visits her parents and they receive him expectantly. They hand him an envelope and tell him to read it alone. He goes to the park where he would push her on the swings because she always liked it. He wipes the snow off the swing seat before sitting down and he opens the note, confused when he starts reading. He wasn’t sure what to expect. Did she leave the country? Did she find someone else?

Chanyeol,

You’re probably reading this at some park we went to together. You know I love you right? I always will. You’re probably wondering why you’re reading a letter instead of facing me. The truth is, I can’t last in your life forever but you’ll always be in my heart even if I’m not in yours.

I’m not sure if you remember but you went on tour some time ago and I was a bit ill. I’ve been ill for a while. I didn’t want to tell you or take any type of medication or treatment because I didn’t want you to worry since you have so much to worry about. Don’t blame yourself for my decisions. I just wanted to have my last moments with you. So when my doctor told me I had a few months to live, I knew I overstayed my time with you. I may not be physically next to you holding your hand but I’ll always he here watching you. I’m the fool that loves you but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I hope that you can move on and spread your happiness to others. I hope you remember the things I tell you and remember that you’ll always be loved, even at your lowest times. I can’t say it enough but always remember I love you, Chanyeol.

Chanyeol was confused. She was ill for so long but he didn’t tell her. He needed answers. He needed to show her he loves her too. But she wasn’t there. He had been so selfish this whole time he didn’t see how fragile she became. He beat himself up for being so blind and stupid. He spent hours on that swing trying to figure everything out. How he wished he could turn back time and show her how much he loved her. But she was gone.

He trudges through the fallen snow going to her parent’s home. He pleads for them to explain but they just hand him her last belonging, the locket of the two of them together that he gave her their 1^st anniversary. He says his thanks and turns to leave knowing they don’t want to look at him.

As he walks he plays with the locket. He opens it; a picture of the two of them as a small piece of paper falls out. An address. He wants to find answers so he finds the address. Her grave.

He kneels down at her grave as he wipes the snow partially covering her name and notices the small engraving underneath the date. Remember I will always love you.

And he loses it; he was a month too late. He was always too late to show her he loved her. He regrets and regrets. He tells himself he should have cherished her and now she’s gone. Forever.