You've got me fooled from the start

(but baby I didn't mind)

 

 

Not ready to let go,

Cause then I'll never know

What I could be missing.

But I am missing way too much,

So when do I give up?

I can't find another way around,

Of losing what I never found.

 

 

„Are these flowers for a special person?“

The middle-aged woman at the desk smiled reproachfully,

her wrinkled face radiating warmth and Chanyeol couldn't help but offer a shy smile back.

 

„Yes. He really likes flowers, and I promised him the prettiest in Seoul and I just – yeah.“

He mumbled and noticed how the woman's expression changed to one of confusion before quickly falling into the same warm and welcoming smile she had when he entered,

all breathless and panting,

searching for the biggest and most beautiful bouqet they had to offer.

 

„Is that so?,“

she hummed as she carefully wrapped the crimson tie around the stems of the flowers,

„that's very nice of you. To take care of someone and fulfill their wishes, as mundane as they seem. It just proves that you have a caring heart, and maybe also a soft spot for flowers.“

She joked and Chanyeol laughed,

finding it hard not to,

as the whole shop radiated happiness,

something the hospital where Baekhyun was thoroughly lacked.

 

His heart ached when he remembered Baekhyun,

all small and fragile,

pale skin and bones sticking out,

as if wanting to pierce the almost translucent skin that was holding him together.

But Baekhyun's eyes held the strenght his body lacked.

 

With a smile and a wave,

he exited the small shop with the bouqet of white lillies and roses,

the strong scent enveloping his senses when he felt his phone vibrate.

 

He frowned as he checked the ID; the number was unknown,

and he contemplated for a second whether or not to answer it.

Seeing no harm in it, he answered it,

 

„Hel- „ 

he cringed as he the background on the other side was filled with beeping sounds and people rushing everywhere,

shouts,

both male and female,

 

„Mrs. Byun, I'm sorry for the rush, but I'm calling on behalf of Bakehyun's health,“

Chanyeol froze, his hand tightening around the flowers,

„he's gone into critical state, we have to operate now. Otherwise – „

 

Chanyeol didn't hear the rest as he dropped the flowers and

ran,

ran,

ran,

to the hospital,

teeth clenched almost painfully as he prayed to whatever deity is up there.

 

Please. Please. Not him.

 

The hospital seemed whiter, blanker, and so much more hideous than it already was,

and Chanyeol sprinted through the hallways,

tripping and hitting walls and personel, yet he didn't care.

He needed Baekhyun.

Now.

 

His frantic eyes catched sight of a doctor that just exited Baekhyun's room and in a second, he was all over the man.

 

„H-hi, d-do you know where B-byun Baekhyu-n is, sir?“

he said, all the while trying to catch his breath that escaped him in short bursts that pricked his lungs painfully and he winced with each breath.

The doctor blinked before he furrowed his brows,

 

„And who are you?“

 

„I'm his boyfriend.“

He decided to ignore the hardening of the man's eyes that was quickly replaced by a bout of sympathy as he opened his mouth to answer,

but was interrupted by a shriek

 

„No!,“

Chanyeol looked at Mrs. Byun, and frowned,

„don't tell him, doctor. Please. Do not tell him.“

Chanyeol looked thoroughly confused and angry, and he glared at the elder,

 

„I think I have the right to know, Mrs. Byun. I've been kept in the dark for far too long, wouldn't you agree?“

he says through gritted teeth and Mrs. Byun looks at him,

small brown eyes begging him not  to pressure her into saying the cold hard truth, 

something Chanyeol was equally fearing and awaiting.

 

Despite the flower clerk's words of how soft-hearted and caring he was,

Chanyeol was never the one to mindlessly give up.

If he wanted something, he'll get it;

that's why his brown eyes steeled and he downright glared at the petite woman in front of him.

 

Seeing that she's lost the battle,

Mrs. Byun sighed and turned to the doctor,

smiling awkwardly and offering an apology for the disturbance.

The man merely shook his head and told her he'll tell her about her son once she's finished dealing with

...unexpected situations.

 

She lead him to the waiting room and sat on one of the many plastic chairs that littered the room,

and Chanyeol cringed as the plastic screeched beneath his weight but he shrugged it off and focused on what the woman was about to tell.

 

Mrs. Byun opened ,

but now words came out.

He could see clenching,

could feel the lump forming as his heart skipped a beat.

 

„Baekhyun was always a happy child,“

she started,

„even though our family..wasn't the most perfect, he always tried to make the best of it; he would always laugh and joke around,

and he was so very lively, that his energy semeed to brighten up even the darkest of days.“

She smiled fondly at the memories of her so running around their small garden behind their house,

squealing and giggling like the toddler he was.

 

 

„With all due respect, Mrs. Byun, I already know all that. I took care of your family's...situation,

so all I want to know right now is why is Baekhyun here in the first place and why wasn't I told anything.“

Chanyeol said with a voice that left no room for arguments and Taeyon's dry,

chapped lips pressed into a thin line and she looked somewhere above Chanyeol's shoulder.

 

„Baekhyun's sick,“

her voice was grave and low, sounding almost cold and careless and Chanyeol's breath hitched,

„he's got cancer.“

 

In Chanyeol's eyes,

the washed out colours of the sanitary walls and the colours on Taeyon seemed to melt away,

sliding onto the floor and disappearing into a black void,

leaving Chanyeol alone, cold and empty.

 

His heart hammered in his chest as his brain tried to process the information he's recieved.

 

„He's got lung cancer,“

he heard her speak and her voice was distant, the blood in Chanyeol's ears obscuring his hearing,

„stage III. He refused treatment on time; was too careless, too deep in love to take care of himself.“

 

Ignoring the woman,

Chanyeol stood up,

making his way down the hallways to Baek's room,

his feet taking steps too long even for him and he stumbled almost blindly,

tears filling his eyes and silently spilling over the rim of bloodshot eyes,

his breath coming out in short,

quick bursts of oxygen.

 

„Sir?“,

he heard a deep voice rumble from behind him and his head snapped up to look into brown eyes of a doctor,

„good god are you okay? You look like you might faint any second.“

The big hands of the doctor steadied him and Chanyeol took a moment to breathe,

 

„Byun Baekhyun,“

he gasped,

„tell me about Byun Baekhyun.“

He demanded and the doctor's eyebrow rose,

 

„I am not allowed to disclose anything about the patient's condition to people not associated with him.“

His teeth ground as he forced out,

 

„I'm his boyfriend.“

That shut the doctor up effectively and the latter sighed,

seeing he lost the battle.

 

„Mr. Byun's condition is, frankly said, hopeless.

His lungs are gettign weaker by each hour and his breathing has become too much of a task for him and his body.

He's pale and thin and we constantly worry for him to just stop

...doing it.

Living.

It looks like he's given up too.“

He muttered the last part and Chanyoel choked on his air and the sobs that clenched his throat with invisible,

cold fingers and he coughed,

 

„Can I...can I see him?“

he asked meekly and the doctor's eyes softened as he took in the younger's apperaence.

 

He was pale and he had bags under his dead,

empty eyes.

They whites were red and the delicate veins threathening to pop at the pressure of the palms  as the young man pressed them into his eyes,

trying to stop the tears.

 

„Of course. I can't guarantee that he's awake; he very weak, and very tired.“

 

„Thank you. So, so much.“

Chanyeol breathed as he rushed to enter the room where Baek lay,

and his heart broke and a sob escaped his chapped lips at the sight in front of him.

 

Baekhyun was dressed in white,

a colour that would normally compliment his ivory skin and dark hair,

hung onto his thin frame and Chanyeol noticed, with pain,

the thin bones sticking out of Baek's paper thin skin.

 

He walked closer; slowly,

silently,

his mind focusing on the way Baek's chest struggled to push the air into awaiting,

sick lungs, and the way it stuttered letting out a raspy sigh.

 

He sat on the chair next to the bed,

and he hesitated to take the small hand, but after a few moments he relented,

watching with sick fascination and anguish as his strong fingers wrapped gently around the frail wrist,

as if afraid to break it.

 

„Baek,“

he rasped, throat dry and hurting,

„why didn't you tell me?“

he asked as more tears slid down his cheeks and this time,

he didn't even bother to wipe them away.

 

„Did you not trust me enough?

Is that it?

Were you scared that I'd leave you?

That I didn't love you?

I do, Baek.

I love you so much it hurts to breathe when I see you like this; breaking like glass.

Why can't you see it?“

 

his voice was growing higher and higher until it stopped in his throat as another sob ripped him apart and he dropped his head,

carefully bringing the hand to his lips, pressing a loving kiss.

 

„That's exa..ctly, why I left.“

Chanyeol's eyes widened and he looked up,

only to see Baekhyun smiling at him, his fingers slowly, weakly curling around his.

 

„Baek...“

Chanyeol breathed, almost in awe.

 

„Don't you know that people who love each other are willing to do anything to ensure the other's happiness?

As corny as it is, it's the truth.

Love may make you strong,

but it also makes you vulnerable,

open to anything to come and crush you.“

His hand released Chanyeol's and Chanyeol was too surprised to tighten his grip and the eerie irony of the bony fingers slipping out of his reach was almost laughable.

 

„When I met you,“

he started, his voice stuttering and wheezing,

„when I met you in that dirty bathroom,

Chanyeol,

and saw the pure wonder in your eyes,

I was caught.

I wanted to see you again and again and again.

And we did,

well,

maybe not exactly in the way I imagined but...

you showed me everything I purposefully missed.

You showed me love, you showed me happiness and security,

everything I missed.“

 

By now, tears were streaming down both of their faces and Baekhyun lifted his hand to rest it on Chanyeol's cheek,

and the latter almost winced at the cold.

 

„You were so beautiful, Chanyeol.

I wish I could wake up to you every morning of my life.“

The smile on Baekhyun's face was so sad it physically hurt to look at it.

 

„You can!,“

Chanyeol exclaimed loudly,

his big hands completely enveloping the smaller, frailer one,

„you just have to hold on.

Just...

hold on Baek for God's sake...

don't leave me..“

Chanyeol's voice broke and Baekhyun lifted his other hand to wipe the tears away,

 

„I wish I could, Yeol.

I wish I could.

But, both of us know it's not possible.

I've outstayed my welcome on this world. My time has come.“

 

„If only you told me sooner,

if only you told me so we could heal you..

Why didn't you, Baek?

Why?“

 

Baekhyun sighed and slowly removed his hand from Chanyeol's grasp,

lowering them to rest beside him.

He looked up at Chanyeol and couldn't find it in him to lie.

He knew he wasn't going to last long,

he felt it in the dying vessels in his body and the crumbling bones.

 

„I..

when I found out about it, I was in denial.

I refused to accept the fact that I,

out of all people,

would get cancer.

Lung cancer, no less.

I never smoked,

never drunk.

I was also angry.

Angry for being born into a family that was messed up to begin with.

They were careless and tactless.

Knowing that I probably got it from one of them made me even sicker.“

 

Bakehyun's pretty pale face scrunched up in disgust and Chanyeol chuckled weakly,

and the smile he got in return was almost blinding.

 

„As I slowly got used to that fact,

I knew I couldn't keep you with me.

Watching someone wilt away in front of you is something too painful to handle.

So, after the little..

hm, talk with your mother,

I ended up here.

And I have to say,

as selfish as it is,

that every day I woke up,

I wished I stayed with you.

Even if it meant that you'd probably be in pain,

I wanted you by my side,

because you mean so much to me Chanyeol.“

 

Chanyeol wanted to speak,

to say that it's okay,

but he wanted to hear everything.

He wanted the truth.

 

„Your mother wanted me out of the picture.

She didn't want me to ruin your future,

and as angry as I was, I also realized that..that she's right.

I was never meant to be in your life to begin with,

and I sure as hell don't have the right to endanger you life any further.

So I complied.

I left.

And here I am.

Here we are,

Chanyeol.“

He finished quietly and looked away.

 

Chanyeol on the other hand was completely silent.

His gaze was distant, and his eyes were focused on the wall.

Finally,

Baekhyun found the silence maddening and turned his head to look at Chanyeol.

 

„Won't you say anything?“

he asked in a whisper, his voice breaking over syllables,

„won't you yell, scream, leave?“

 

However,

Chanyeol remained unmoving.

The weak heart in Baekhyun's chest constricted painfully and he bit his chapped lips to hold back a sob that was climbing it's way up his throat.

 

„I forgot your flowers,“

Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol with wide eyes,

but the latter still stared at the wall,

„I recieved a call.

I forgot everything.

I ran like I was running for my life.

And I did.“

He finally settled his brown eyes on Baekhyun and a small,

sad smile crawled on his face,

 

„I was worried.

So worried.

They said you were getting weaker,

thinner,

that one day,

sooner or later, 

you'll stop breathing. 

What more do you want me to say, Baek?

I can't be mad at you.

No matter how hurt I am,

being angry at you for that is unreasonable.“

 

Baekhyun hiccuped, a tear sliding down the potruding angles on his face,

 

„Don't you see, Baekhyun?“

he asked gently,

„you're all I need.

You're the air I breathe,

you're the heart that's beating here,“

he said as he gently guided Baekhyun's hand to rest on his chest,

and Baekhyun sobbed as he felt the heartbeat under his palm fluttering,

„you're the only one who has ths effect on me, Baekhyun.

You're the reason I'm living.

Why are you doing this to me?“

 

„I'm sorry Chanyeol,“

he sobbed, the shirt ,

„but I don't want to hurt you.

I don't want you to watch me fade.

It's hard enough for me to think about you,

but having you here, in my last moments – „

 

„Hey, hey, don't talk like that.“

 

„It's the truth,“

he smiled bitterly and the taller male,

„I'm going to die.“

 

Chanyeol's eyebrows furrowed and he whispered,

 

„Why are you so...calm about it?

You're going to die, Baek.

You're going to leave me.

Forever.“

 

Baekhyun sighed as he looked out of the window.

The weather was nice,

sunny and warm,

a total opposite to the atmosphere in his room.

However,

he had a lot of time to think about everything,

so he grew used to the pitying,

sympathetic glances he'd get from the nurses,

doctors,

or the other patients that'd come visit the youngest patient.

 

„I thought about it a lot.

I thought about my life,

all my wrongs and rights.

I thought about all the people I slept with,

and I didn't dwell much on them.

You,

however...

I was strangely happy when I left,

because the guilt was too much.

I was so,so sorry.

I knew that it would take some time for you to heal,

once you go and not find me among the living,

but I also knew that you'd move on.

You'll find another person.

You'll have a life.“

 

„Baek, I don't know how many times I've said this,

or how cheesy it is but you are my life.

And I'll stay here.

Until the end.“

 

The tone of finality in Chanyeol's words set something off withing Baekhyun,

and with renowed strength,

he ripped his hand out of Chanyeol's and yelled,

 

„Why are you su stubborn?

Why can't you just leave and..and stop loving me?

For 's sake, come on!

Make it easier!

Say...

say I never matter or something but just go!

I – „

his sentence was cut off with a violent coughing fit and Chanyeol immediatly lifted him up in a sitting position,

taking most of his weight as the smaller male leaned onto him and he rubbed circles on his back,

 

„Shh, shh.

Take it easy, Baek.

Take a deep breath.

Come on baby.

I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay here.

I love you and that's all that matters.

From now,

until the end.

Whenever it comes,

I'll be here.

I'll see you off.“

 

 

Days passed.

Baekhyun was delighted that Chanyeol was there,

despite the guilt that welled up in him whenever he noticed the latter's prominent dark circles or his tired eyes.

But the giant just smiled and waved him off,

continuing to blabber completely trivial things.

 

Baekhyun would be lying if he said that he's ready to go.

He's not.

There are so many things he wanted to experience,

so many challenged to accept and so many mornings to wake up next to Chanyeol.

He knew it won't be long until he finally dies,

because the task to open his eyes was becoming harder and harder,

and so Baekhyun developed another wish.

 

Let me be awake when the time comes.

I want to see his face before I go.

Please.

 

And that day came unexpectedly, on a warm July morning.

He was sitting next to Chanyeol,

holding his hand and smiling at his stories when he felt his lungs tighten and his heart flutter.

 

His eyes widened and his grip on Chanyeol's hand tightened.

The latter immediately shut up,

and looked down in worry,

only to have his breath stolen when he noticed the small,

knowing smile on Baekhyun's lips and the way the blood continously drained from his face.

 

„No...no, no no, no!“

he chanted as he looked around for the button to call the doctors, but one weak press on his fingers made him look down again,

blinking rapidly to clear his vision.

 

„Don't...bother, Ye..ol. It'll...be..okay.“

Baekhyun breathed,

the smile on his face widening,

 

„No, it won't. Please, Baek.

Hold on for a bit longer will you?

I know you can do it,

you're strong,

just let me – please.“

Chanyeol sobbed,

clutching the sheets until his knuckles whitened with pressure.

 

„I love you.

I love you so much.

Thank you.“

He breathed with the last ounce of strenght he had,

and with the smile still on his face,

he tugged Chanyeol down to press one last kiss on the older's lips,

 

„Goodbye.“

 

Chanyeol couldn't move.

He couldn't breathe.

He stared at Baekhyun's face,

his expression serene and calm,

his lips still upturned at the corners.

His breathing quickened and his eyes burned.

The steady beep of the heart monitor was too loud and too obnoxious,

and suddenly,

different voices filtered into his mind as he felt strong hands pull him out of the room.

 

He slumped against the wall.

He waited for the pain to come,

for the tears to start, for the sobs to wreck his body.

But he felt strangely empty.

Whenever he tried to cry,

the image of Baekhyun's smiling face and his words made it impossible to cry.

 

Soon,

the same doctor who helped Chanyeol find the room,

exited and his eyes landed on the slumped,

tired figure on the floor.

Leveling their gazes,

he offered a small smile and a shake of his head.

No words were exchanged.

 

We did all we could.

He's gone.

There was not hope.

He's gone.

 

We're sorry.

 

And Chanyeol only nodded,

got up on shaky legs and exited the hospital quickly,

feeling as if he might suffocate if he stayed a moment too long.

He walked down the streets,

keeping his mind purposefully blank until he stepped onto something.

 

He looked down and tears filled his eyes.

Picking the crumbled,

dirty flower of the pavement,

he caressed the remaining petals with all the love he harboured for Baekhyun,

he smiled.

 

It won't be easy.

It was never easy.

 

110715

Your funeral was today.

It was sad.

I knew you were popular but not that popular.

 

I forgive you.

 

Even my mother came. She said she's sorry, but right now, I can't look at her, Baek.

 

I miss you.

 

The weather is beautiful. Just like you were. Like you've always been.

Goodbye, Baek.

 

I love you.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

shoutout to my amazing secretary for helping me out on this

the credit for this chapter goes to her

i didn't mean to update the story with the last chapter in a while

but some tragic stuff happened yesterday and for some reason i felt the sudden urge to just post the last chapter and

get this over with

but yeah

i wanna thank everybody who took their time to read this story, no matter how crappy it was

i really appreciate it

thank you all so much

and i apologize for the way this ended

i had intended it to end like this from the very beginning 

i might think about writing an alternative ending

but i'm not quite sure about that,

i might start a new chanbaek

but i'm not so sure about that either right now

so yeh