Final
Between Lines and Colors"Luhan? Dude, you alright?" Minseok asked, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking at him with concerned eyes.
Luhan looks at him and gives him a small smile. "Yeah, yeah." He says, taking one last glance at the massive tree standing proudly by the familiar pretty house right next to his old home. "Nothing much."
Minseok follows Luhan's eyes and he purses his lips before throwing his arm around him. "I get it." He squeezes his arm, in reassurance and comfort. "I get it."
It really shouldn't bother him anymore. It's been a while since it happened. But things like this, it's not something that people, a town, a school could easily forget. Even after two years. Luhan has gotten into a university, met new friends, started living in an apartment two blocks away from his school, with his roommate, Minseok. He moved so he could start over. He moved so he could forget. He sighs. What happened was certainly something hard to forget for people, a town, a school. Of course it'd be harder to forget.. for a best friend.
He takes heavy steps to the front gate that he used to be so familiar with and he rings the doorbell once, twice, thrice. A woman, who now looked so old and tired but beautiful (just like her son), opened the door and looked at Luhan with a small smile.
"May I help you?" She asks.
"Uh-- Hi, I'm.. I'm Luhan. I just-- I'm Sehun's best friend.. It's the second anniversary of--"
"Ah, yes, I've heard so much about you, whenever I'd call him, I'd hear your name. I didn't see you last year though, I was wondering where you were, when no one introduced himself as 'Luhan.'" She says with a grin.
"Pleasure meeting you, Ms. Oh. I just.. It's just now that I finally found the courage to come back." Luhan answers back with a bow, before nodding at Minseok to tell him he's ready to go, and Minseok gives him a small squeeze before he turns around to leave, and Luhan enters the Oh Residence for the first time.
Luhan looks at him and gives him a small smile. "Yeah, yeah." He says, taking one last glance at the massive tree standing proudly by the familiar pretty house right next to his old home. "Nothing much."
Minseok follows Luhan's eyes and he purses his lips before throwing his arm around him. "I get it." He squeezes his arm, in reassurance and comfort. "I get it."
It really shouldn't bother him anymore. It's been a while since it happened. But things like this, it's not something that people, a town, a school could easily forget. Even after two years. Luhan has gotten into a university, met new friends, started living in an apartment two blocks away from his school, with his roommate, Minseok. He moved so he could start over. He moved so he could forget. He sighs. What happened was certainly something hard to forget for people, a town, a school. Of course it'd be harder to forget.. for a best friend.
He takes heavy steps to the front gate that he used to be so familiar with and he rings the doorbell once, twice, thrice. A woman, who now looked so old and tired but beautiful (just like her son), opened the door and looked at Luhan with a small smile.
"May I help you?" She asks.
"Uh-- Hi, I'm.. I'm Luhan. I just-- I'm Sehun's best friend.. It's the second anniversary of--"
"Ah, yes, I've heard so much about you, whenever I'd call him, I'd hear your name. I didn't see you last year though, I was wondering where you were, when no one introduced himself as 'Luhan.'" She says with a grin.
"Pleasure meeting you, Ms. Oh. I just.. It's just now that I finally found the courage to come back." Luhan answers back with a bow, before nodding at Minseok to tell him he's ready to go, and Minseok gives him a small squeeze before he turns around to leave, and Luhan enters the Oh Residence for the first time.
--
Fourth grade, moving in day
"Luhan, honey, can you put these two boxes in the living room?" His mom calls out to him from the back of the truck.
"Yeah, coming!" Luhan answers, sprinting to his mother, reaching out to grab the boxes. He obediently and carefully places them on the floor of the living room before skipping back out to look around the neighborhood.
"Don't go too far!" His mom reminds him, earning a nod and a small smile from the little boy.
Luhan walks around and notices how every house looked the same.. and he didn't like it. How everything looked so painfully dull and boring and simple. Luhan had always been someone who liked bright things, loud music, colorful clothes and powerful dance moves. Luhan liked movement, Luhan liked color, Luhan liked being awake, conscious, existing, alive.
Unknowingly, his feet had brought him to the park, which was less dull than the lifeless houses that lined the street and Luhan liked that. A red slide, yellow and blue swings, green grass, and also--
Sweaty boys in white shirts beating up a skinny helpless boy in a blue one.
Luhan didn't need to think twice before dashing to the scene, pushing the boys away screaming at them to pick on someone their own size, or better yet not to pick on anyone at all. Luhan may be skinny and pretty, but no one from his old school, none of his friends, ever fought back when he was mad. Luhan's face turned red, the veins on his neck appearing, his fists clenching, and the boys in white shirts ran away before Luhan could lift a finger. He hears rustling, and he looks down and sees the boy in a blue shirt, his face a mess of blood, dirt, and bruises. His eyes soften.
"Are you alright?" Luhan asks, leaning down to match the boy's level.
The boy nods his head.
"What's your name?"
"Sehun." He replies softly. "I'm Sehun."
Luhan nods and smiles. "I'm Luhan. I just moved here a few hours ago."
Sehun says nothing, he simply looks down, rubbing his bruised arm with his muddy hand.
"Does it hurt?" Luhan asks.
Sehun hesitates before answering in a timid voice, "Yeah."
Luhan nods. "Come with me, I'll help you get home." He says, lifting Sehun up and sliding his arm around his waist. "Just tell me where to go."
They walk slowly, Luhan matching Sehun's pace, his eyes constantly drifting back to look at the calm face of the young boy beside him. And he couldn't help but notice, how he hasn't shed a single tear.
"Hey, Sehun?"
He turns his head.
"Why didn't you cry? Doesn't it hurt?"
Sehun simply shrugs sadly and looks ahead. "I'm used to it."
Luhan huffs indignantly. "You shouldn't get used to things like that! No one should have to get used to things like that!"
Sehun's eyes widen and he stares at the steaming boy beside him.
"Anyway," Luhan continues "You have me around now so I'm not gonna let any of them hurt you again."
It takes a few seconds for the kind words to sink into Sehun's system, and when it does, a small smile of gratitude materializes on his bloodied lips. "Thank you."
When they finally stop walking, Luhan turns his head to look at the house and he lets out a little choked gasp. "Uh. This is where you live?"
Sehun nods. "Mhmm. Why?"
"Uh--" Luhan says. "Cause I live there." He says, pointing to the house right next to Sehun's.
"Oh."
There's a small silence before they both burst into a fit of laughter, Sehun clutching his stomach saying "Ow, don't make me laugh, it hurts!"
The laughter dies down, and Luhan pats Sehun's back. "Take care of your bruises, okay? Tell your mom!"
Sehun simply nods softly. "Yeah. See you, Luhan! Thank you again for.. everything you've done today, I guess."
Luhan smiles brightly. "No problem. See you.. neighbor!"
Seventh grade, first day of school
"Sehun!" Luhan calls out from the front gate, pressing the doorbell over and over again. "Sehun, we're gonna be late!" He screams.
It takes all but four seconds for Sehun to sprint out of his house with his tousled hair, a biscuit in his mouth, and his backpack left open, hanging from his left shoulder. He swings the gate open and grabs Luhan by the wrist.
"Finally!" Luhan huffs, as they run for the bus stop in full speed. "What took you so long?"
"Sorry," Sehun said. "Dad was throwing a fit."
"Again?" Luhan asks, kind of concerned at this point. "Is he always throwing a fit? How do you survive in that house?"
"Just barely." Sehun mutters, as they finally reach the bus stop just in time.
The doors open and they swarm in along with the other students and find seats at the back. They flop down side by side in unison and sigh in relief. Sehun quietly rests his head on Luhan's shoulder and Luhan glances at him.
"You alright, Sehunnie?" Luhan asks.
"Mmm. Tired." Sehun simply replies as the bus starts moving, not even raising his head to look at him.
Luhan simply ruffles his head. "Alright. Get some sleep."
Sehun closes his eyes and Luhan doesn't notice Sehun's quiet tears.
--
"Sehun...?" Luhan calls out as he walked towards the bathroom. "Are you pooping, it's been like--"
He cuts himself off when he sees someone harshly grab Sehun by the wrist, causing him to grimace. "Listen here, you little faggo--"
"Who do you think you're calling a ?" Luhan says harshly pushing the boy aside.
Sehun sighs in relief, resting his head on the bathroom wall.
He had to admit, Luhan was very intimidating when he was mad. No matter how many times he's seen it, it never failed to give him chills.
Luhan was skinny and small for his age, but once you've seen him mad, once you've been in a fight with him, you couldn't deny Luhan's unbelievable strength. After scaring off the bullies (yet again), Luhan turns to look at Sehun worriedly.
"What am I gonna do with you?" He sighs. "Why do they keep doing this?"
"Because I'm a , apparently." Sehun chuckles softly.
"How can you even joke around about this?" Luhan asks in disbelief. "Am I the only one worried and scared for you, here? How about your par--"
"Luhan, my parents don't care." Sehun says in a low voice.
"What do you mean they don't care, of course th--"
"Luhan." Sehun says again. "They. Don't. Care."
Luhan pauses. "Why?"
"Mom has another family now, dad's resorted to drinking and smoking stuff and screaming. I love him and all, it's just that I don't know how to take care of him and deal with him when I can't even- I can't even deal with and take care of me. And mom still calls, but she's never around and I just-- I don't know. I don't really have.. I don't really have anyone but you." Sehun's voice is shaking along with his hands as he speaks and Luhan can't help but feel frustrated, wanting to share the burden with him.
Luhan runs a hand through his hair in disbelief. "Then.. why didn't you ever tell me? We've been friends for three years. You could've said something, I could've--"
"You've done enough for me, Luhan." Sehun says. "It's okay. I'm okay."
Sehun quietly rubs the wrist that the guy had grabbed, and Luhan looked at it worriedly. He reached out a hand to examine it but Sehun instantly pulled away in a panic.
"It's alright. I'm alright."
Luhan doesn't see the concealed scars on that wrist, and on the other one as well.
Freshman Year, when Luhan finds out
Luhan was sitting quietly on the yellow swing, biting his lip as he stared at Sehun who was sitting on the blue swing, wringing his hands together nervously, his eyes looking panicked and lost. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, but the tears never came, much to Luhan's dismay, because he realized through all their years of friendship, not once had he seen Sehun shed tears.
"Luhan," Sehun starts, his voice almost a whisper. "You're good at Language, right? You're good at Writing too, right?"
"Uh--uh I guess so, wh--"
"Which means you're good at analyzing things and understanding and reading between the lines, right?"
"Sehun, can you please just tell me what--"
"Then read between the lines of what I'm about to say." Sehun says, finally looking at Luhan, his eyes almost desperate, almost pleading.
Luhan slowly nods.
"I'm scared. I am so scared of myself, of school, of my family, of home. I am scared of what's happening to me because Luhan, I-- I can't make it stop. The voices in my head telling me my mom left because of me, because she doesn't love me, my dad's screams are always in my head-- The smell of smoke, and alcohol, and drugs, I can't.. I can't escape it. The drugs are killing him, and it's-- I'm scared, it's killing me too." Sehun stutters, and he sounded like he was crying but he wasn't. That made Luhan even more worried.
"I tried.. I tried whatever it was that my dad smokes so much. I.. I don't-- I can't, I can't end up like him, I want to do it again, but I don't and I don't wanna go home, Luhan. I can't go home, I can't be left with him, I can't be left with myself, and my thoughts, I'm scared, my head feels like it's gonna explode with all the noises and the screams, I'm-- I can't be by myself.. I-- Luhan, can you read between the lines?"
Sehun stares at him, and Luhan finally sees the tears in his eyes, threatening to fall, but they didn't quite. Sehun's hands were shaking, he was shivering, despite the fact that he was already wearing a hoodie. And yes, Luhan could read between the lines.
"So all in all, you're scared of being home and being alone.. so you wanna spend the night in my place?"
Sehun shoots up from his swing and lunges for Luhan, tackling him into a tight hug. Luhan feels Sehun's shivering body.
"I love you." Sehun whispers in a shaky voice.
Luhan laughs, rubbing Sehun's back comfortingly. "I love you too."
Sehun chuckles inwardly, burying his head in Luhan's shoulder. And he thinks, 'You don't even have to read between the lines to understand that, but do you?'
--
The walk to Luhan's house was silent, Sehun's hands in his pockets, Luhan's hands swinging beside him as they walked. Luhan stares at the houses he hated so much. Dull, boring, simple. And to this day, Luhan still hated it. Hated how dead they all looked.
"You know," He starts. "When I first moved in, I didn't like the way this place looked.
Sehun looks at him. "Why?"
"Because it's so boring." Luhan groans. "I mean, all the houses look the same. Different colors, but barely. I mean, white, gray, dirty white, light pink, light green, light blue, white, gray, it's all jus--"
Sehun chuckles. "Typical you."
Luhan playfully glares at him. "And the day I met you, I distinctly remember all the boys beating you up were wearing white shirts, and you were wearing a blue one. Maybe it's one of the reasons why I detested them so much and why I felt like I needed to save you."
Sehun looked at him, amused. "Because.. I was wearing a colorful shirt?"
Luhan nodded. "Yes. Because you brought color to my dull, boring, simple life."
Sehun stared at him. Simply stared, in silence. Because how could Luhan, someone so breathtakingly beautiful, so unbelievably kind and headstrong, Luhan, who was the brightest color Sehun has ever seen in his entire life, the only color in Sehun's life, believe that his life was dull, boring, and simple.
"There is no way I'm the one who brought color to your life. I can't be your source of color and brightne--"
"But you are!" Luhan exclaims.
"But what if I left, what'll happen to you then?"
"Hey." Luhan says sternly. "You will not leave me. You cannot leave me. I am your best friend and your knight in shining armor who always saves you from getting your kicked and I command you to never leave me. Ever."
Sehun chuckles softly at the ridiculousness of his best friend and he takes his hand and drags him to a corner in between two random houses.
"Yah, Oh Sehun, what do you think you're--"
"Look." Sehun says, pointing to the ground.
Luhan looks down and sees plants, flowers of purple, pink, yellow, white, green leaves and vines. "Wow."
"It's like this everywhere in this town." Sehun says, leaning down to examine the flowers. "In between each house, there are rows of different plants, different flowers, colorful, bright, all the things you like." He says softly, looking at Luhan, who had a childlike glimmer in his eyes as he stared at the flowers.
"You just gotta look in between." Sehun says.
Luhan laughs. "Read between the lines?"
Sehun nods. "Precisely."
--
They sit side by side in Luhan's bed, leaning against the headboard, wrapped up in a thick blanket, staring at a wall. It's quiet for a while, neither of them knew what there was to say, until Luhan suddenly feels the urge to ask Sehun...
"Sehun, why don't you ever cry?"
Sehun weakly turns his head to look at Luhan. "Why? Do you wanna see me cry? Are you a sadist?"
"No, no, it's not that it's just-- Ever since we were kids, you've been pushed around and although you don't talk about it much, I know you go through a lot but you never cry, even when you talk about it, you don't, and I-- Why?"
Sehun is silent for a minute, before he lifts his hands from under the blanket and rolls the sleeves of his hoodie up. And he sees it, and Luhan closes his eyes and puts a hand to his mouth.
Sehun's wrists didn't even look like skin anymore. Slashes, scars, cuts, red. There's a lot of color, mostly red, but it's not the kind Luhan likes.
"Why?" Luhan whispers shakily. "Why do you do this to yourself? Why would you hurt yourself like that?"
"This.. this is how I dealt with it. Luhan, you've already done so much for me, I can't.. I didn't wanna bother you. My life, my family, is so different from yours, and I.. I got happiness from being with you, from listening to you talk, from talking to you. It just.. It's so hard being at home, it's hard to be alone with my own thoughts, I.. I'm sorry I never told you, and that I tried to deal with it like this but--"
"Don't be so weak, Sehun." Luhan said in a soft voice.
"I'm sorry." Sehun said looking down. "I'm sorry."
"Don't keep it to yourself." Luhan said. "If you wanna be sad, then be sad!"
Sehun looks up and stares at Luhan with a confused gaze. "...What?"
"If you wanna scream, then scream. If you wanna cry, then cry. You let it out, and you be weak for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, and then you feel better. Why do you keep it to yourself? I'm here, aren't I? I'm not here because I'm forced to take care of you, I'm here cause I'm your friend, so don't keep it to yourself, put some of the weight on me--"
And it's then that Luhan feels Sehun's head drop on his shoulder, feels Sehun's shaky breath on his arm, he sees his shoulders shaking up and down, and feels tears wetting his sleeve. He feels Sehun clutch onto his shirt and Luhan sighs in relief and turns around to wrap Sehun in his arms.
Sehun starts sobbing, clinging onto Luhan for dear life, burying his face into his shoulder and crying the hardest and longest he's ever cried, and Luhan holds him through it, silently and reassuringly. He holds him to sleep, tracing patterns on his arm with his fingers, lulling him to sleep. When Luhan's sure he's asleep, he puts the blanket over them and slides a hand around his waist.
"I do all this for a reason," Luhan whispers against his neck. "Can you read between the lines, please?"
He's answered with Sehun's soft and steady breathing. He chuckles at the way Sehun instinctively leans into him.
"Good night, Sehun."
Junior Year
Sehun dropped out of school. People said Sehun's dad had passed away. He found out that it was true. Luhan rushed to his house and repeatedly pressed on the doorbell, probably for around three hours. For three consecutive weeks. No one would answer the door. Luhan would try to break in, always failing, of course. But that didn't stop him from trying. Luhan left several voice messages and texts, even resorted to throwing rocks at Sehun's bedroom window.
It has been a month since he's seen Sehun. Luhan approaches Sehun's house again. He feels rage bubbling up inside of him, sadness, desperation, because he misses Sehun, he needs to know how he's doing, if he's okay, if he's not, he wants to be there for him but Sehun refused to let him in.
"Oh Sehun!" Luhan screams at the top of his lungs. "Stop pushing me away! Stop it! It's been a month and I know it's hard on you, I know, so please, please let me be here for you!"
He's met with silence. He chokes back a sob.
"I've known you since we were in fourth grade, when you were getting your kicked by skinny young bastards and I had to save your scrawny . I've known you since we were in fifth grade, and we watched for the first time and we were both grossed out by it! And when we were in sixth grade, and we jerked off together! This is so inappropriate that I'm screaming this out in public but I don't care, please talk to me!"
Silence.
"I'm the only friend who has seen you at your weakest state, who lets you stay at his place when it gets too tough for you, who has seen all parts of you, spent late nights with you, talking, drinking, crying, ranting-- You.. you're my best friend, Oh Sehun! You hear me?! And I love you! I ing love you! Please... Please just say something." He ends, brokenly, and he knew he sounded so crushed and desperate but he didn't care enough to hide it, because he was.
It takes all but four seconds for Sehun's bedroom window to open, slowly, and for an unhealthily thin looking arm to pop out, and Luhan sees the redder than ever wrist. He's holding a small ball, with a piece of paper taped to it and he throws it towards Luhan's direction, and Luhan barely catches it with his shaky hands, but he does.
'I'm sorry. It never got better. Go home.'
Luhan crumples it up and exhales shakily before turning around to head home.
Luhan wakes up at 3:17 am due to his mom's loud classical music suddenly playing from the other room. Luhan groans.
"Mom, it's 3 am, can you please turn off the music!" He screams, pulling a blanket over his head. He reaches for his phone from under the pillow and sees 54 notifications.
He scrunches his face. "What?"
He unlocks his phone and sees every single one, every text, every missed call, was from Sehun.
'Luhan?'
'Luhan, are you awake?'
'Please, Luhan, please tell me you're awake.'
'Luhan, I'm sorry, please don't hate me.'
'Knight in shining armor, I need your help.'
'I love you too.'
'Luhan, I need you.'
'Please forgive me.'
'I'm so sorry.'
'I love you.'
'Never forget to find color even in a dull, boring, simple place.'
'Luhan?'
'I'm in love with you, you know that?'
'Don't hate me for this.'
'Read between the lines.'
Luhan bursts out of his room, running out of the house barefoot, ignoring his mom's worried calls. He reaches the house next to his, but before he could ring the doorbell next to the front gate he's become so familiar with, he notices a certain familiar body hanging from the branch of the tree in their front yard. Luhan's entire body betrays him, his eyes going blurry, his hands shaking, his knees failing as he falls to the ground. His mom runs out calling his name, and as she sees him on the ground, she dashes to him asking if he's alright. Luhan could only scream, sob, wail, pointing to the tree, and Luhan's mother puts a hand to , holding her son, shielding him from the sight.
What happened next was a blur. Luhan remembers sirens, police, ambulances, seeing Sehun's dead body being brought down and wrapped up. There were so many voices, from other people, from himself, in his head.
'It's gonna be okay, honey.' From his mom.
'Take all the time you need.' From his dad.
'Are you alright, son? Was he your friend?' From the police.
'Read between the lines.' From Sehun.
'Why?' From himself. 'Why couldn't I save him?'
Luhan went to Sehun's funeral, refused to say a speech, refused to look as his coffin was lowered, refused to accept it. Refused to accept that the one time Sehun truly needed someone to save him, needed color, needed his knight in shining armor, his knight in shining armor couldn't be there. Before anyone could talk to him, before they could pat his back and bombard him with condolences and hugs, Luhan had walked out, telling his parents he couldn't bear to stay any longer, and he sobbed in the car on the way home.
Eventually, Luhan entered university and moved to an apartment near his school, living with his friend Minseok. Moving did help, so did university, his new friends, and his family's support. But he never did forget about Sehun. He never did forget about that skinny boy with skin colored red, who wore a blue shirt. The boy who brought color into his dull, boring, simple life. The boy who showed him color with flowers in a dull world of colorless houses and roads. The boy who taught him to read between lines, yet who couldn't read between the lines of the patterns Luhan traced on his skin, the rubs of his thumb against his hand, the arms he'd wrap around him when he needed it most. The boy who loved him, the boy he loved, the boy he will always love.
--
"I, uhm, I heard you were the first one who found him." Sehun's mother said with a gentle look.
Luhan looked down at his lap, wringing his hands together. "Yeah, I.. it's not something I wanna remember though."
"Yes, of course, I'm sorry." She said. There was a small pause before she said with a soft smile, "I'm glad my son had a friend with him through those hard times.. when I wasn't there for him."
Luhan shook his head. "I know Sehun loved you a lot. I just.. I'm sorry-- I'm sorry I couldn't.. I couldn't save him." Luhan felt his throat starting to close up, wounds he has tried so hard to close for the past two years starting to open up again.
Sehun's mother lay a gentle hand on his. "No, no, Sehun appreciated everything you did for him, he'd tell me about you a lot. In the note he wrote the night he did what he did--"
"Wait," Luhan says looking up at her with wide eyes. "He.. left.. a note?"
She looks at him in slight disbelief. "You never got to read it?"
Luhan shakes his head. "I didn't know, I.. I have to-- I never got to-- what did he..? What did he say?"
Sehun's mother stands up and motions for Luhan to follow her. They go up the stairs and they stop in front of a brown door.
"This was Sehunnie's room." She said. "Have you been here?"
Luhan shook his head. "He never let me in his house. He didn't want me to, probably. We always stayed in mine when we hung out."
She nodded sadly. "I guess.. I guess I understand why he did that."
"I guess." Luhan said softly.
Sehun's mom opens the door and Luhan eventually starts sobbing when he enters it when he realizes that it still smells like Sehun, how his bedsheets were full of color, how he had a framed picture of the two of them together.
Sehun's mother gently rubs his back, before opening Sehun's bedside drawer and picking up a small paper, and handing it over to Luhan.
Luhan takes it with shaky hands and he sniffs before reading it.
I am grateful because this life,
I lived
I'm writing a good bye,
for you.
Friends, family, to all that
I loved
I have to go, but I'm thankful for
all of you.
And as I go, as
I leave the world,
I know this might be hard for you.
But
Please live on, the way you all do
I live
On the other side of the world, in another place, I will always believe
In you.
-Oh Sehun
Luhan can't tell if Sehun wrote it specifically for him or for everyone he loved, and he didn't know why he wrote it in poem form, but he cried and Luhan's mom had cried with him, and told him that he could keep it for he deserved it more than anyone she knew. It was only when Luhan was alone in his room that he understood, it was only when he re-read it over and over again that he finally saw, that he finally remembered the importance of Sehun's last message to him the night he left. Read between the lines.
I lived
for you.
I loved
all of you.
I leave the world,
But
I live
In you.
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