004: Unchanging

It's only been two days after I received the letter that Saemi had personally written for me before her death. I still haven't watched the video that Saemi had recorded herself because I was scared. I was scared of possibly hearing her tell me to move on because I was definitely not ready to move on just yet. Saemi changed my life and her death just caused my life to be tragic. 

I can't blame Saemi for that. 

I want to blame myself for being so unreasonably miserable all by myself when I'm receiving so much love from my family, Saemi's family and my friends. 

I want to move on, but my heart and my mind tells me not to. I want to keep loving Saemi, but I can't. I still can't believe that she's gone, and I don't want to believe that she's gone. So here I am, in front of the cemetery where Saemi was laid to rest. I didn't go the day she had her funeral procession because I was not ready to see her go. I didn't want to admit that she was entirely gone from this world. 

That she can only exist in my heart. 

I won't be able to see her anymore, nor am I able to tell her I love her face to face. I won't be able to give her goodnight kisses when I send her home, nor am I able to give her hugs when she's down. I won't be able to cheer her on to keep continuing what she does best, and that is dancing. 

Another thing I can't accept is that she wasn't able to live her dream to the fullest. Even though she became the head dancer for SM Entertainment, I know she had more dreams and I'm sad she couldn't do them because of her ailment. I sighed as I stepped foot onto the grassland and approached the keeper of the cemetery. 

"U-Uhm, e-excuse me sir," I politely stuttered as he tended to another person's grave. 

He looked at me, taking his straw hat off and stood up to meet me in the eye. 

"Yes, sir? Are you having troubles finding someone?" He asked me and I nodded my head. 

"Do you know where..." For a second, I didn't want to say her name because to me, she wasn't dead, "Park Saemi is?" The ahjussi looked at me and gave me a small smile before pointing towards the right and said, "Ah, yes. If you go towards the right, you'll see a big apple tree and there you'll find a gray bench. Beside that, Park Saemi is there." 

I nodded my head and bowed at him, "Neh, thank you so much ahjussi." 

I walked away but was stopped when I heard the ahjussi say something to me, "Talk to her. I heard you didn't go when she was laid to rest, I'm pretty sure she misses you kid." I blinked and looked at the ahjussi who just smiled at me before crouching down to the person's grave he was currently tending to. I furrowed my eyebrows and bit my lip. 

I miss her too ahjussi. 

I sighed and turned to the right and followed the ahjussi's clear directions. Once I saw the bench the keeper was talking about, I looked down on the ground and found her. Fresh flowers were laid beside her name plate and I immediately chucked, "I knew you hated flowers, so I bought you this instead." I crouched down and placed the bag of chocolate I bought specifically for Saemi beside her name. 

I smiled and wiped her marble plate and said, "Someone must have visited you today, huh?" 

I noticed that her name plate was clean and that the flowers were fresh. I sighed and muttered, "I heard you miss me..."