You’re my dream and I’m your nightmare…

Lu Han had never been an early riser, but he always made sure to wake up to a new day with him. Every day was happy—how could it not be, when one spends each day with his lover? But now, Lu Han enjoys sleeping—anticipate waking up. He’s not there when Lu Han wakes up. He cherishes his dreams-- it’s all he has now, after all. He welcomes them, ever since their second reunion after his departure.

So he sleeps. There’s no point in waking up to a reality where he isn’t with Lu Han.

Lu Han doesn’t always get the dreams he wants—most of the time, he’s exhausted and can’t go back to those memories. Yet as always, he slips into slumber, hoping to see him in his reveries.

He sleeps to dream.

梦里梦里见过你…

(In my dreams, I’ve met you…)

Because within his dreams, he can control his reality—in his dreams, he still sees that smile.

你笑得甜蜜蜜…

(Your smile is as sweet as honey…)

He can hold, touch, share himself with this person, no longer separated by the circumstances that drove them apart.

Within these few quiet hours, he relives the memories of his former love.

So he dreams.

(They’re in Berlin, shooting for their new photobook, dIE Jungs.

The shoot is finished in the apartment—they’re the only two left.

Lu Han gazes thoughtfully out the window, resting his head on his arm. He turns to face the other man, after a period of silence.

“I’d like to have a family here someday."

The other man, sitting in a chair, now gets up to walk to him¸ and smiles back indulgently—sweetly, oh that saccharine smile.“We can have children, a boy and a girl, and a dog. We’ll live here and raise them in a quiet place,” the other man replies.

Lu Han gazes into the other man’s eyes, slotting his fingers with his.

“Promise me.”

“Sure, whatever you want, Han.”

“Do you really mean it?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“But--”

“You know you’re precious to me, right?”

The other man brushes his fingers against the soft pink that appears on Lu Han’s cheeks.

“So I’d be okay with whatever you’d like to do.”

                “It’s a promise.”

They seal it with a kiss.)

And each dream is oh so sweet.

(It’s always the same one.)

(“Let’s stay like this just a little longer.”)

He wishes that his rest grows longer with every night. Because when he wakes up, tears spring from his eyes, overcome with the sunlit reality.

A listless, hoarse whisper shatters the stifling silence,

“No, no…I don’t want to wake up…just let me go back to him.

He gets up, struggling to shut the blinds and stumbles back into the sheets, to dim those once-starlit eyes.

(“Then…how about staying like this forever?”

“I like that idea even better.”

He cups Lu Han’s face, bringing it closer, and presses their lips together.)

----------

I’m your dream, but you’re my nightmare…

Minseok turns his head to his nightstand, the soft apple-green LED glows softly from the clock, reflecting on his bleary eyes:

4:09 AM.

Tao is deep in slumber on the other side of the room, opposing him. He rests in comfort, his facial muscles completely relaxed. Minseok looks on adoringly. In many ways, Minseok envies Tao—envies his relationship with Sehun, a happy one where they are head over heels for each other and can share their secrets with each other. He had that once too, but no longer. The person he loved haunts him in his dreams.

Minseok won’t sleep. It’s not that he hasn’t tried. Meditation, breathing exercises, sleeping pills – all of those things can put him to sleep, but he doesn’t feel rested. It doesn’t make a difference anyway—sleeping, not sleeping-- neither is much better than the other. When he sleeps, his face appears, and Minseok wakes up in a cold sweat— rested, but still sluggish the mornings. Other times he tries not to sleep, grabbing a cup of coffee with Junmyeon in the wee hours of the night so he doesn’t see the other man’s face again. Now, when everyone in the dorm is asleep, he sneaks out of the dorm to head over to the gym to work out, to focus his energies on other activities, so his mind won’t be filled with the thoughts of him.

Still, just before the dawn, he can’t help but rest momentarily—for minutes, hours of dreamless rest if he’s lucky. It’s less painful when he doesn’t sleep to dream. He’s still lethargic in the mornings now, but at least he won’t see the other man’s face anymore.

So he doesn’t sleep. He hasn’t liked sleeping since then.

Nights like these however, he doesn’t feel motivated enough to expend his energies at the gym.

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用来我回忆里微笑…

(Just leave me alone. You really don’t need to come and smile in my memories…)

Minseok lies on his bed for now, somewhere in between slumber and reality, waiting—just hoping-- for a dreamless rest to take him away from this world. To rest easy, so he won’t have to be reminded of him. But ever since that day, the second time he visited China after his departure, he hasn’t had any dreamless nights. Minseok was not lucky enough to have a restful night. He’s tried to talk about it, but that’s not the person he’s supposed to be. He’s supposed to be the strong one, the one who never cries in front of other people.

Minseok isn’t supposed to cry.

So he doesn’t.

Instead, Minseok conceals the sorrow away from prying eyes.

(“Hyung, you look tired. Are you all right? Do you need to talk? I know it’s been rough on you.”

“No, it’s fine. I just need some sleep.”

Minseok takes a walk outside, into the park-- the tears flow when no one can see him.)

The nightmares terrify Minseok, because he sees that face again—those expressive eyes that would whisper “I love you” during their fake kiss fan service, those beautiful orbs that held nothing but love.

Minseok wants to let go of all of those memories. Each one was so happy, so sweet—but they’re painful. Maybe this loss would ease with time, but for now, it still holds him in a vice grip.

But it hurts for him to bear the sorrow alone. He remembers a time when he didn’t have to do this—when he could share his happiness, his sorrows, his dreams, and worries with someone else.

Minseok remembers when he truly thought he was lucky—lucky to have someone to love him so much. To love him in the best way possible: as friends, as lovers, as soulmates-- lucky to have him in his life, because against the odds, they found each other. It’s hard to remember if any other of his past lovers left such an indelible change in his life. Could he even call the other exes “lovers” when they never changed him as much as he did?

There’s no point in dwelling on that thought-- that time is long gone.

Minseok hates admitting it, but maybe they weren’t right for each other. Maybe they were right for each other, and the circumstances were wrong. Minseok doesn’t like thinking about it this way—it’s harder to move on like this.

(不算什么 爱错就爱错…)

No big deal. So what if I loved the wrong person?...

It’s less painful to think that he was the wrong person to love. Minseok could just move on.

It gets harder at night, so he doesn’t rest. Sleeping only ever brings back bad memories for him, and Minseok really doesn’t need see to his face again-- his starlit eyes, his button nose, and his brilliant smile-- in every single one of his nightmares.

Pulling the blankets around him, Minseok’s sobs violently shudder throughout his body. He stares into the darkness, blinking away the salty tears from the rushing waves of his memories, and Minseok whispers to no one in particular, hoping that he would listen,

“Don’t come into my dreams, I can’t sleep like this.”