III. Looking For Your Traces

Mino had no real idea what state his brother was in: Seunghyun had not been seen by his friends or family in weeks. The only way anyone knew he was alive was the way he’d curse through the door at them when they came to check on him. So, when Mino walked into the room, he felt his breath catch. Seunghyun did not so much as twitch at the sound of his brother’s voice calling his name. He just stared and stared into the void of the ceiling. Mino’s shoulders sagged. Not hesitated, Daesung walked to the younger man’s side and touched his shoulder. “Clean up. Let the light in,” he murmured.

The brunette stood tall and walked over to his brother. “Seunghyun. You need a shower.” Using a surprising amount of strength, Mino pulled Seunghyun out of the bed and into his arms. The man hung limply in his brother’s grip; he did not have it in him to care that someone had intruded on his grief. Mino grunted – shifting the weight of his brother in his arms – before carrying him into the bathroom. He peeled off the lays of sticky, stiff clothing; it looked as though Seunghyun had been in the same outfit for at least a week…if not longer. Reaching over, Mino the shower before looking at his brother with a faint frown. This was not going to be easy. “Come on, Seunghyun. Time to get clean.”

Once Seunghyun was bathed, dried, and dressed in a fresh pair of pajamas, Mino carried his brother out to the winged back chair – the only surface in the apartment not covered in trash. He then pulled the yards of black fabric off the window, letting the sun shine brightly across Seunghyun’s rice paper skin. “You stay here,” Mino ordered firmly before going into the kitchen.

While Mino went about with a garbage bag (and a pair of rubber gloves), Daesung moved over to Seunghyun’s side. He then carefully sat on the man’s lap and curled his arms around his lover’s neck. He pressed as much of his body against Seunghyun’s as possible – trying to engulf him in angelic warmth. “Seunghyun,” he whispered, “you need to come out of this. Destroying yourself is this is wrong – it hurts me to see you like this.” He pressed a kiss to Seunghyun’s stubble-littered chin. Seunghyun sighed, his eyes slipping shut, and his lips parted as though he was about to speak – silence. No sound came out.

From where he stood in the corner of the room, Jiyong watched them with a deep frown etched onto his soft features. His heart ached for Daesung – he knew how the man probably felt – but what made it worse was how much the blond cared. When Seunghyun was taken, it would destroy the delicate young man. Jiyong pitied him. And Mino seemed like a good kid. It’d be a shme to see how his brother’s suicide haunted him. But, Jiyong could see no way for them to win. Seunghyun was so far gone, and Taeyang… Well.

Once all of the bottles were gone and the trash disposed of, Mino approached the quiet, sacred space of the bedroom. Daesung rose from his perch on Seunghyun’s lap and followed him. His features set in stone, the angel took in the sight of the bedroom and Mino carefully pulled the black fabric from the window. It was even worse in the light. But, Daesung knew what had to be done – he understood why this room of any of them looked the way it did. Crossing to Mino yet again, Daesung wrapped an arm around his shoulders and said, “Change the bedding.” For the first time, Mino hesitated at the angel’s suggestion. “Change the sheets. Wash the bedding.” Daesung knew that Seunghyun had not changed the sheets because they were the last place he and his blond lover had lain tangled together. For Seunghyun, they represented the countless nights where Daesung was no longer by his side, but he could pretend that the man was simply gone to the other room to get a drink of water. It was keeping the man locked in place.

Slowly, Mino moved to strip the bed – touching the sheets as though they were made of razors instead of once-silky cotton. They were carefully put away in the hamper in the bathroom; Mino would do laundry in a little while. He then searched through the closets and found where Daesung had carefully packed all of the linens away, tiny packets of lavender and cedar between each set. Selecting a rather ordinary looking set, he turned back to face the bed and froze. Holding the sheets in his arms, Mino at last began to cry – burying his face in the sheets that bore no trace of Daesung beyond the careful way they had been folded. He sank to his knees and bowed to the floor, his forehead pressed against the cold wood. Daesung rushed to wrap his arms around Mino. “I wouldn’t want Seunghyun to sleep in tat mess. You’re helping make things better – the way that I would want them, Mino.” He pressed a kiss to the top of the artist’s head. “Thank you.”

For several long minutes, Mino cried: for the loss of a friend, for his brother losing the love of his life, for the possibility that he might lose his brother. It was all too much for the young man to bear on his broad shoulders; he was afraid. Then, with a hiccup, he slowly sat up. But, he could not let his fear stop him. Daesung would not want him to give up on Seunghyun – he knew that in the depth of his soul. A glance down at the sheets in his arms made a frown settle on his lips. The once clean sheets were wet with tearstains; not the best set to make the bed with. Rising, he selected different sheets – a soft sky blue set that he had noticed tucked at the very bottom of the stack. He did not know why, but he thought the bright color might help Seunghyun. Mino then carefully – and reverently – made the bed.

Having a sudden idea, Daesung told the young man, “My cologne is still on the dresser.”

Without further prompting, Mino crossed to the dresser and picked up the unfamiliar bottle that held the last of Daesung’s cologne. (He had used Seunghyun’s cologne plenty of times as a teenager and so knew which bottle was Daesung’s.) He weighted the glass container thoughtfully in his hand before slowly moving to stand beside the bed. A few careful spritzes of the cologne were all it took to make the room smell softly of Daesung – as though he had just walked out of the room. The bottle was then returned to its rightful place back on the dresser, right next to Seunghyun’s.

Wiping the last traces of his tears away, Mino walked back into the living room. “Seunghyun, I brought you something special,” he said, trying to infuse his voice with a brightness he did not feel. He snagged the cupcakes and moved to sit on the ottoman in front of his brother. The treats were carefully unpacked and held up so Seunghyun could see them. “Taehyun and I thought you’d like to try his new cupcake.”

For the first time since his brother’s arrival, Seunghyun’s gaze came into focus. His umber eyes locked on the cupcakes, and for a moment it seemed as though the man was about to scream or cry or attack the helpless desserts. But, slowly, Seunghyun reached out with trembling fingers to take the double chocolate cupcake with the extra chocolate curls. He lifted it to his face and breathed deeply, as though he could absorb it through scent alone. A sigh slid past his cracked lips. “Dae…always ate the curls first,” he croaked. “He’d let them melt on his tongue, savoring each one.”

Mino took a shuddering breath. “Do you want to eat one?” Seunghyun nodded. Carefully, Mino selected a curl and placed it in his brother’s mouth.

Seunghyun’s eyes closed as he took in the familiar flavor of the rich dark chocolate. It was almost like kissing Daesung right after he had let all of the chocolate curls melt away on his tongue; Seunghyun had always stolen a kiss just so he could taste his two favorite flavors together: Daesung and chocolate. But, in that moment, his favorite flavor was missing. The chocolate felt like it was missing that key ingredient that made it sing on his tastebuds. He sniffled. “Why did he die, Mino? Why did he leave me?”

From where he stood beside Seunghyun, Daesung began to tremble. He wished he knew the answer to that question; he did not understand why it had happened to them. It seemed so pointless, he thought, to break them apart this way. Couldn’t God see that his Seunghyun needed him so much more than Heaven did?

As though echoing Daesung’s unspoken thoughts, Mino simply said, “I don’t know, Seunghyun. I don’t know.”

---

Two bonus chapters in one day will not be the norm. It just happened I was stuck in a meeting that ran an hour (an hour!!) late, so I kept myself from dying of boredom by writing. On Sunday you will get to know the Very. Dramatic. Story. Of. Jiyong. Yes, I had to break it up like that. Why? Because it's just that dramatic. Anyway, I am now going to go to sleep and prepare to make it through the rest of finals week. See you on the other side!