Han Sanghyuk was very thrilled for his first day of work.

He was especially looking forward to his lunch break in four hours.

The manager patted him roughly in the back. Sanghyuk clumsily bowed in ninety-degree towards his new coworkers, “Hi! I’m Han Sanghyuk. You can call me Hyuk. Please take good care of me,” he bent his back the lowest he could go.

A pair of strong hands pulled him upright and held him in arm-length. “...Hyuk?...” the man stared at him in awe, “...Hyukkie?” Hyuk returned a blank look, then a first real smile bloomed, “Jaehwan hyung!” The senior crushed him in a tight hug, “I almost didn’t recognize you! How would I know it’s you when the name ‘Han Sanghyuk’ is so plain and boring?”

Hyuk chuckled awkwardly, “Geez. Thanks.”

“Jaehwan-shi?” a female staff interrupted the reunion, “I mean Ken, how did you guys know each other.”

“We went to Seoul University together. We were the most respected executives of the school newspaper,” Ken’s orbs twinkled as he reminisced the good ol’ days, “Remember the time I pissed off Taekwoon hyung so much that he locked me in the closet?”

Hyuk scratched his head, “Uh… Didn’t you lock yourself  in?”

Ken punched Hyuk in the chest, “What are you talking about?! I wasn’t an idiot,” he grabbed onto his shoulders, “Be careful what you say, Hyukkie, or you’ll piss off the supervisor, a.k.a me! Welcome to Scandal News,” he gave him a firm squeeze. It hurt.

Hyuk laughed nervously with him. He’s joking, right? Hyuk could only dare to ask himself, since no one else was laughing at the joke. Hyuk tried laughing harder now to match with Ken’s merriment. Something would never change, like his hyung’s upbeat attitude.

Han Sanghyuk was very thrilled for his first day of work.

An ignored intern struggled with the massive water bottle. No matter how hard she lifted, it would not install itself onto the dispenser. With one hand only, Ken carried the bottle to its place, an even flashed a smile at the underappreciated staff. He then waltzed down the hall, thanking the electrician for his hard work. When he glided past a cubicle desk, he knocked on it to wake up a sleeping worker. As if he was a fairy, a cup of warm coffee appeared before the drowsy staff. Ken whistled as he continued skipping to his private office. There, a female staff ran smack into him. Files flew to every directions. He picked them all up and carried the huge stack to its destination, with the blushing girl trailing behind him empty-handedly. A five-minute walk from the pantry to his office became a thirty-minute journey for Ken.

Hyuk kept track of Ken’s every movements. He swore he saw Disney bluejays circling around Ken everywhere he went. Is he even real? Hyuk was completely astounded, and maybe even swooned a little. How could he keep up with all these people’s activities? How did he do it for all these years? If Hyuk had half of Ken’s social skill, he’d probably landed a job in the news department already. Hyuk sighed. He leafed through the first drafts, bored. He crossed something out. He added something. Tada! EXO new comeback was now grammatically error-free! Hyuk hung his head over the back of his worn-out chair. He watched the clock hands ticking by. His first day of work would be over in an hour.

“Hyukkie!” Hyuk jolted straight up. Ken had poked his head out of the doorframe, “Let’s go drinking after! My treat!”

Hyuk nodded eagerly before getting back to work. Just an hour more! He would go have some fun with Jaehwan hyung in no time at all… that would happen eventually if he would not be working overtime.

To Hyuk’s surprise, he got off work half an hour earlier than the expected time. The deft wind entered the food tent and ruffled Hyuk’s sweaty black hair. Ken’s shot glass bumped against Hyuk’s, signalling him to drink up. Like a good dongsaeng and hoobae he was, he obliged and tilted his head to one side. He drank. Ken refilled his empty shot.

“Why were you surprised? Scandal News is no news! It’ll probably shut down tomorrow… No! Tonight!” Ken giggled, “Today’s probably your last day of work.”

Hyuk was not sure how to feel about his prediction. Should he celebrate the idea that he wouldn’t go back to that ty job, or lament over being unemployed? Hyuk thought of his rent and gulped down the bitter soju.

Ken hiccuped, “Kiddo, it’s a bad idea to work there. We have the highest turnover rate in the company and the best head for a boss,” Hyuk choked on his drink because of his hyung’s outburst. “He never does anything wrong! We are the dogs working our tails off and do everything wrong. He makes me-,” Ken slapped his chest proudly, “-the supervisor, buy him breakfast every morning at eight p.m!” he devoured another shot. “I meant ‘a.m.’. Does he pay my salary? No! What a .”

Hyuk mentally slapped himself for forgetting Ken’s infamous drinking habit. He sneakily wrapped his hand around the bottle of soju to get it away from him. Ken smacked his hand. Hyuk yelped. Ken gave him his usual friendly, harmless smile, before drinking from the bottle.

“You looked so happy running errands for him…” Hyuk mumbled to himself.

“And then that secretary! She’s so slow it’s so offensive! A dickhead hired a staff. Per-fecto!” Ken waved the empty bottle around, “Ajumma! Where’s my soju?!” he screamed in eight-octave pitch and earned himself some dirty looks.

“You helped her pick up all the files… You looked so happy…” Hyuk could only gape at Ken while trying to make a connection between the happy-go-lucky worker in the morning and Ken who badmouthed everyone right now. Yes. He was still the social butterfly Jaehwan hyung like he had used be. Yes. He was still bratty… but now his words were full of unforgiving venoms, ready to eat anyone alive… Hyuk shook his head. It must have been the alcoholic influence. Jaehwan hyung wasn’t a hypocrite. The alcohol distorted Hyuk’s thinking too. Ken yapped on about the cleaning lady’s secret love affair with the intern. Hyuk swallowed another drink.

***

The second day of work wasn’t any better than the first.

“What happened to your face?” Ken took in Hyuk’s purple bruised cheek in his hand.

Hyuk shot daggers with his eyes, “You. Punched. Me. Last night.”

Ken panicked, "Did I?! I'm so sorry, Hyukkie!" Thud! His head hit the table in a deep bow. Hyuk burst in laughs, "Are you still drunk?"

Ken squeezed his temples between the kneads of his two palms, "Ow! My head hurts so much!" he cried dramatically, "It's going to burst like piniata! Kiss it better, Hyukkie."  Hyuk couldn’t help but chuckled. He wanted to ruffle his adorable hyung's hair but then he remembered last night's punch. He had tried to wrestle the tipsy Ken into a back seat of a cab. Naturally, he had to hook his arms around his armpits to drag him inside, and then pound! Ken flipped himself around and landed a hard punch on Hyuk’s jaw. Ken stumbled into the cab by himself, leaving Hyuk bleeding to his death by the curb. Hyuk was now against the idea of touching Ken.

Ken snapped a finger in front of Hyuk, "So, have you read the files I've sent you?"

Hyuk nodded. Still distracted.

"Good. When Jessica's birthday?"

"April eighteenth, nineteen eighty-nine."

"When was Kyuhyun's debut date?"

"May two-thousand-and-six!"

A corner of Jaehwan's lips lifted. He decided to let it slide, "What's Jessica's least favourite food?"

Hyuk opened and closed  his mouth, "Uh... um... Watermelon?"

Ken hit his head with a rolled-up paper, "Dang! It's cucumber! You should know everything about our targets."

Hyuk did not refute his advice. It seemed reasonable to know everything about the targeted idols in order to get the job done, especially for his first assignment. If he needed to get out of this dirty line of work fast, he would have to take advantage of the Golden Couple as much as possible.

"I have a question though," Hyuk asked over the encyclopedia of SNSD's Jessica and Super Junior's Cho Kyuhyun. "If the most popular on-screen couple is actually really dating, won't we help them to be more popular?"

Ken shrugged, "Who cares what happens to them after we exposed them? If it's a win-win situation like you said, it’s good for everyone. If they get into after we ratted them out, it's not our fault. They are not normal people like you and me. Their job is to entertain us, so let’s keep it professional. No personal feelings, 'Kay?"

Hyuk did not go back to whatever he was suppose to do. "Who cares?" He shifted around in his seat. What happened to

the Jaehwan hyung he used to know? Back in the days when they had been still at school, Jaehwan hyung had cared about

a lot of things, like the students' collective demand for affordable food on campus. Ken’s passionate article was merely a

negligible advocacy in the big complicated system, but for some reason his concerned voice still ranged in Hyuk’s head...

..."This is a quick and easy work, Hyukkie. My instinct told me that there are something going on between those two. So here's the plan, we'll stake out of their dorm tonight and..."

Hyuk sighed, not like he was any better than Ken. Yeah. Who would care for those celebrities? They exchanged their privacy for their fame anyway.

Sleep was calling out to every atoms in Hyuk. He yawned. "It's two a.m. already. I don't think we'll catch them tonight."

"Two a.m. is still early for idols," Ken was keeping a hawk eye on a residential building across the road in his driver's seat, "Be patient."

Hyuk stretched his numb legs out. He adjusted his camera strap out of boredom. "I need to pee," he announced. Hyuk shifted around in his seat in pain. He had been holding it in for four hours. He really did not care about making the whole operation a success nor his promotion right now.

Ken gave his consent seeing how much pain Hyuk was showing, "Go quickly."

"Jaehwan hyung, you're the best!" Hyuk stumbled out into the dark.

An hour after Hyuk had finished his business, there was still no sign of Kyuhyun or Jessica. Hyuk ripped open a bag of salted peas. He chomped on the sultry bits because he had nothing better to do. "Catch!" he aimed one at Ken's mouth and he caught it in the last minute! "Woo hoo!" they high fived each other as if Ken had just won an Olympic gold. "My turn!" Ken called out gleefully. So Hyuk and Ken caught peas with their mouths, nostrils, toes, and any body parts for the next hour until they grew exhausted from lack of sleep. Ken was out cold first. Hyuk struggled to keep his eyelids open for at least a millimetre. His eyes hurt so much that he began to tear up. But alas, when five a.m. arrived, his effort was not wasted.

He lightly poked Ken in the cheek. He flinched away in lightning speed as fast as Ken sat upright and became fully alert. "Target's coming out of its nest with three other companions,” Hyuk reports in an urgent but clear voice, “Target and company are heading to a black van already waiting for them."

Ken didn't miss a beat. The engine revved alive as quietly as possible. They waited until Kyuhyun and his band mates Donghae and Henry had gotten into the vehicle. There was a woman tagging along but she wasn't Jessica. To Hyuk's great disappointment, it's just Donghae's cousin.

Ken only moved their own car after the Target's van disappeared around the corner. Contrary to Hyuk's nervous butterflies, Ken calmly counted down to ten before they finally followed their moving Target.

"Ken hyung got your back, Hyukkie. I know all of their usual hangout spots," Ken shot him a reassuring smile.

Still, Hyuk fidgeted with his camera. His eyes glued to the back window of the targeted van. There were two men at the back that were not the Target. Their heads stuck close together like they are biologically attached and their lips too… Hyuk gaped at the two men kissing, though he couldn't see who they were since Ken put too far of a distance from them.

Someone other than Hyuk finally got annoyed at Ken’s snail speed too. A truck behind blared its honk. Ken cursed at his own carelessness and sped up just a little. He slammed his palm down the steering wheel as the van before them also picked up speed that’s way past the posted limit, "Dammit! They know we're following them!"

Hyuk panicked, "What do we do now?"

Instead of answering Hyuk, Ken wrenched the wheel sharply to the right into a side alley. Instead of slowing down like he was suppose to do, he sped down the narrow path in seventy kilometre per hour. "Oh, my God!" Hyuk screamed while hanging onto his seat. "Watch out for that hobo! Jaehwan hyung!" A black shadow jumped out from his peripheral vision, “A cat!” Hyuk could only hear deafening wind rushing past his head. "The street lamp!" Hyuk squeezed his eyes shut for the metal-to-metal contact, but Ken barely swerved at the last minute.

Jaehwan slammed on the brake to a stop, Hyuk's heart arrested also. He was about to lecture his hyung for his irresponsible driving but Ken beat him to it, "Look. It's Jessica's manager," he pointed at the group standing across the street, "She's here too."

"Yes! You're the best," Hyuk was so swelled in joy that he could kiss him right now if he didn't have the risk of his limbs ended up in wrong angles.

The pair of paparazzi watched in silent. All of their energy were reawakened and directed to their Target. Hyuk snapped a few pictures of Jessica touching Kyuhyun’s chest flirtatiously. The couple at the back seat emerged onto the street too. Out of his own curiosity, Hyuk turned his camera at the two men linking hands. He gasped.

Ken slammed Hyuk's camera off of his face before he could take their pictures, "Those two aren't our Target."

"B-But-" Hyuk's poor heart was thundering against his ribcage, "H-He's g-gay!" he didn't recognize his partner, but Hyuk knew the popular solo artist, "N's gay!"

"I know! Shut up, Hyuk," Ken growled.

"You know?! You always knew he's gay?"

Ken looked at his wide-eye dongsaeng, "I mean I saw what happened just now."

Hyuk nodded dumbly to himself, "Make sense. Or else you'd exposed him a long time ago." Still, Ken's reaction was too defensive for his words.

Ken chuckled drily, "Of course I would, but our job is Kyusica right now, so will you focus on our task?"

Hyuk grunted a "yes" half-heartedly. His mind was filled up with the image of one of the most beloved South Korean ballad singers and dance prodigies being gay! Oh, my God! If only people knew that the National Son-in-Law would never ever marry any ahjummas' daughter! "Hyung, how about we switch our project to N instead?"

A stiffened silence filled up the already stuffed van. One fierce look from Ken made Hyuk shrink inwardly. "No. We already got funds for stalking Kyusica,” Ken reasoned.

"But the boss will understand! N's ual orientation is more sensational than some dumb dating rumour!"

Ken slammed his fist down on the dashboard, "Have you got no moral?” there were thunderstorm exploding in his dark pupils, “What happened to the Han Sanghyuk I used to know? You know that Hakyeon's life will be over if the public knows."

Hakyeon...? Hyuk narrowed his eyes, "What's up, hyung? I thought you don't care about what happened to those stupid celebrities. Do you know him, like know know him?"

Ken broke his frustrated gaze from Hyuk’s. It took Ken a moment but he finally confessed, "Yeah, I know him," he turned to look at him fully, any sign of anger dissipated, "Can you leave him alone now?"

Hyuk faltered. He’s never seen the merrymaker looking so dejected before, "Alright."

A tiny smile returned to Ken, "Thank you." He brought his hand to Hyuk’s warm neck to draw him closer. His breath was above his ear, “I’m counting on you, Hyukkie.”

They did not talk about N for the rest of the night. But like the morning fog, it hanged onto their consciousness.

***

It was two a.m. again. The ink-black sky could not reach Hyuk and where he was hiding - an abandoned guard post in the middle of the residential parking lot. He ran his fingers along his camera strap. He would risk getting caught and thrown to jail. He was ready to lose everything to get the job done.

Hyuk heard the Target's arrival. He pressed close to the dirty window, only his eyes and the crown of his head were visible.

The black van had a hard time sliding to park in a stall with a swarm of screaming fan girls banging and surrounding the car. The car halted at an angle. A man popped out of the driver's seat. He fought some of his way through the crowd as he walked to the passenger seat. Ignoring the fan girls pressing to his back, he wrenched the door open. His hand touched someone else's fleetingly. N in sunglasses stepped out in grace. He was wearing a tight black dress shirt and matching black pants. His lover hugged N's waist to his side and one of his arms was protecting N from the demanding fans. Through all of the commotion, N was at ease. No. He was comfortable and secured in his partner's arm.

Hyuk's fingers shook each time he pressed down the shuttle. His heart went erratic against him. The scene before his eyes merged with his past memories. What he’s witnessing eerily resembled a déjà vu. It's just adrenaline, Hyuk told himself. This never happened to me before. He took some more photos. His camera followed the couple all the way to the elevator. Hyuk wrapped himself in a cold embrace when the air suddenly grew chilly. He would wait here all night until they came down. He returned to the plastic chair and slowly sleep called. Only this time when he woke up, he would still be stuck on that crappy chair in the security booth.

Hyuk opened his eyes. He found himself in his cramped room back home. How did he get back here? He groggily checked the time besides his head; it was one in the afternoon. Screw work. I've already worked all night stalking N! He grumbled into his pillow. As if N had a magical portal in his bathroom or something. No matter how long Hyuk had waited, either of them have ever came down. He rolled onto his back. His body still ached from glueing to that stupid plastic chair for entire night. It wasn't a dream, he told himself again. It was vivid reality that he was out to destroy N for his own career boost. Did he hate him? No. Hyuk had learned long ago to never mix his personal feeling into work. When emotions were in play, everything seemed to go wrong for him. If he had never went against his boss over every single ethical issues, he would probably still had his job as news journalist. Now he had to start from scratch and worked his way to the top again. No. Hyuk really did not hate N. He was far from hating him.

Hyuk closed his eyes. He could still picture N's first album cover in his mind's eyes. He had longer bang back then. His copper brown hair was messy and juvenile. He had an awkward smirk on his face, sitting, his back leaned against a plain white backdrop. His one hand caressed the microphone stand. He tried cocking his head seductively but failed pathetically. N had been a rookie trying hard to look cool. Hyuk couldn't believe he was fooled thinking that N was the best thing ever. He wondered if the album was still in his cookie box under his bed. If he looked, he could probably find it, along with all the memories of N - posters, concert tickets, signed albums, private pictures... Stop! He commanded his nostalgia. Those useless things were better off stayed hidden. What was the use of hanging onto the past when his whole future was at stake? Unlike Ken, Hyuk had never known N. Not the way Ken did. If Hyuk was like Ken, he would have known that he's gay ages ago. Just because he was familiar with the way N obsessed with lip balms and how the corners of his lips twitched whenever he’s angry did not mean that Hyuk knew N. He tore himself off of the comfy bed. Time to edit those photos he had taken last night. Every step he took bring him farther from the cookie box. Farther from his past that made up his present.

***

"What's up with you lately?" Ken asked Hyuk who was sitting on the edge of the bed in their shared suite. Ken sipped on his water, waiting ever so patiently for a satisfying answer.

"Family matters," Hyuk lied.

"Hmm," Ken bored his gaze into Hyuk's, "My-grandma-is-dying excuse is so last century. Why did you skip work and look like a zombie all the time?"

Without a word, Hyuk grabbed his pajamas and headed for a shower. Ken slammed his hand down next to his head. Hyuk jumped, "Dude! What's your problem?"

On a tip toe, Ken pushed his face as far up as he could, "Where's your camera?" he hissed.

"Dunno."

Ken pushed past him and went straight for Hyuk's suitcase. "Jaehwan hyung!" he called after him. Hyuk tried to hold down Ken's intrusive hands but the hyung was stronger. He rummaged through his clothes, underwears, socks. "Ken!" Ken flipped the entire suitcase over. His camera hit the carpeted floor. Ken grabbed it first. In one swift motion, he ejected the memory card, but Hyuk snatched it away and ran to the balcony of their motel room. He hauled himself onto the railing. "Leave me alone! Or else I'm jumping  off!"

Ken placed his hands on the railing by Hyuk's sides, trapping him. He leaned forward, "I'd like to see you jump off from the third floor. No biggie except for some broken bones if you’re lucky."

Hyuk tried not to look behind him nor felt the wind run along the back of his neck. Ken pressed in further. Hyuk leaned back a little. His heart thumped faster when he’s on the tip of falling. He shoved Ken back forcefully with one hand and hopped off and headed back into their room.

“Han Sanghyuk!” Ken chased him around the room. Hyuk would dodge behind the lamp, jumped  from bed to bed, crawled under the bed and resumed running again. After five minutes of cop-and-robber chase. They were panting vigorously. Ken was trapping Hyuk in a corner, trying to rip the memory card out of his curled fist. He gasped in horror when Hyuk closed his lips around the chip. Hyuk dashed to the opposite end of the room while Ken was still surprised. Ken recovered quickly though. He pressed close against Hyuk by one of the beds. His hands clamped his jaw in place and his thumbs poked into his lips. Hyuk teared up as his jaw bruised. Still, he clenched mouth tightly and refused to give access to Ken. Ken shook his face furiously, “Spit it out!” Hyuk lost his balance and fell onto the back, bringing Ken down with him onto the soft mattress. Ken’s face was barely an inch away from the trapped man beneath him. Hyuk’s eyes grew wide when something plastic hit his throat.

Hyuk shoved Ken off and rolled onto his side. He coughed violently, straining to reproduce the memory card from his tube. His face was fiercely red and Ken panicked from witnessing his dongsaeng thrashing and punching the mattress. He instinctively whipped Hyuk's back to help him coughing the card up. “Don’t die, Hyukkie!” tears rushed to Ken’s eyes and he punched his back hard enough to break it. The saliva-covered card flew out of his mouth. Hyuk snatched it up again with trembling hand before Ken. He plopped it back into his mouth and flipped Ken a middle finger.

Sleep knocked on Hyuk’s subconscious, but his conscious shut it out. He flipped onto his side to face Ken on the bed across from his. His eyes were closed, but it was hard to tell if he was truly asleep. Hyuk turned back to face the wardrobe. He couldn’t stand the sight of Ken right now. Who did Ken think he was meddling with his own free choice?! Not like Ken’s opinion was respectable like before. How was he expecting Hyuk heed the advice from someone who had told him to dehumanize idols? If N was really important to Ken, what about Hyuk? Did Ken not care about his future as much as N’s? If there were losers and winners in the game of life, Hyuk did not want to be the loser. He pursed his lips in a pout. His mattress abruptly sunk, cutting off his rumination. A ball of warmness pressed against Hyuk’s back, “Can’t sleep?” Ken groggily asked.

Hyuk shifted uncomfortably in the cramped bed.

Ken chuckled, “You still have the memory card in your mouth?”

Hyuk hummed a “yes”. He felt the card tucked in between his boxers’ waistband and his hip.

“Just listen to me then,” his lanky arms pulled Hyuk in an embrace. His hot breath hit his neck, making it hard to pay attention to what he's about to say, or focused enough to run away, "Forget about what I told you about that celebrities are different from us. Hakyeon hyung was born as the same as us. He probably has more in common with you than I have with you."

Hyuk could only shake his head to convey his disagreement. N and I might have came from the same place, but we're living in different worlds.

Ken hit Hyuk's stomach lightly, "You guys do have commons! Just like you, he had worked so hard to where he's standing right now. You didn't know half as much hardships he had to go through. He didn't get to finish high school like we did. He took on so many odd jobs and was homeless for awhile," Ken broke into a sad chuckle,"while we had a warm place to sleep so we could do whatever we needed to pursue our dreams."

Hyuk dug his nails to the back of Ken's hand, telling him to shut up. He really thought that Hyuk didn't know what N had to go through?! He read about his pre-debut days from the Internet and learned it by heart before he could do trigonometry! What about Hyuk? He had to work hard to get to where he was right now and his position was nowhere close to N's! As if Hyuk could endure being the gum at the bottom of someone else’s shoe for more than one second. If N had survived so many spine breaking moments before, he could get out of another mess. Hyuk at least believed in him.

Hyuk tried to fling Ken off his back. Ken hugged him tighter, suffocating him more in their silence, "I know that life isn’t easy for you either, but we don't always have to crush someone else's dream to get to our own, right?"

Hot tears swelled in Hyuk's eyes. He hated Ken for trapping him into something  he needed so badly to escape from. Hyukkie, always so soft-hearted, that's why he's now stuck in a crappy motel room with a nuisance. His hands clamped down onto his reddened ears.

Ken frowned when clearly Hyuk refused to even listen to something sensible. He felt even sorrier to watch his back trembled. He ran his over his back soothingly. He placed a light kiss on his messy hair and murmured apologies into the crook of his neck, "Good night, Hyukkie." The night was fistful for both of them.

***

Tonight contained a different kind of tension. Ken didn't drag Hyuk all they way to another city only because to get him away from N. They had tailed Kyusica all the way to Busan. All the way to this little playground in the middle of the night. They waited so long for something to happen. They were hopeful that soon, behind the bushes, they would get the prize they were going after.

Jessica was on the swing and Kyuhyun was sitting on the other one next to her. They were whispering something in intense intimacy. And then she started pounding her fists on his chest, shouting and crying. Ken and Hyuk zoomed in on Kyuhyun holding onto Jessica to take a series of shots. One. Two. Three. Kyuhyun smashed their lips together. Click. Click. Click. Hyuk and Ken fist bumped each other. Either Kyuhyun or Jessica was aware that the darkness was also covering someone else watching from the distance.

Ken shoved another lettuce-wrapped beef in Hyuk's mouth, "Eat up. Hyung's paying."

As soon as they had seen Kyuhyun and Jessica disappeared to their separate hotel rooms and stayed inside until morning, Hyuk and Ken went to the nearest hanwoo restaurant for a grand celebration. Beef for breakfast sounded like a feast after staying up for almost twenty-four hours.

Hyuk chewed on the meat thoughtfully, "Why are you being so nice? I thought you hate me."

Ken scowled, "Of course I don't. I’m just worry about you."

Hyuk raised an eyebrow, "Me? I thought you only care about N."

"I care for both of you. I don't want either of you get into any trouble."

"I don't see how me exposing N will get me into any trouble. It'll only get me to the job that I’ve always wanted."

Ken sighed. He took another bite off of the juicy meat, "It will get you a few seconds of fame and you might get what you thought you want. What do you have to lose?"

Hyuk pursed his lips, ignoring his hyung's pessimism. He wouldn't allow him to spoil his success at the moment, "Can we just eat first? I thought we're celebrating."

Ken put some gopchang in his bowl, "Sorry, Hyukkie." He replaced his reproachfulness with a beaming smile, "You did a great job! You didn't whine about the crazy hours and you're really sharp about the details too!" he raised his shot, "You're the best journalist we have." Hyuk smirked at his mock compliments but nonetheless raised his own shot. Ken raved on and on about how Scandal News would go bankrupt without the almighty Hyukkie. Hyuk laughed along with him. Ken probably was drunk. He patted Hyuk's head approvingly and warmness surged through Hyuk. The aroma of beef and compliments felt kind of nice, as if Hyuk had actually achieved something, even though the work was garbage. Hyuk drowned himself in another shot of soju. This was not too bad. He could get used to stalking people. Hyuk grimaced from the bitter alcohol.

He bit down a snarky comment about paparazzi wasn't authentic journalism. Prying into some strangers' private lives were just some dirty work. Unlike FBI, they had no good reason to show someone else's scars for the world to see and be criticized or ridiculed. Hyuk leant his forehead against his palm. Stop it. You drank too much, he chided himself.

“How did it feel?”

Ken looked up from his glass, confused, “How did what feel?”

“Remember the time when Taekwoon hyung exposed you as a hypocrite on the school newspaper? How did it feel?”

Ken swirled his glass in slow motion, as if the cup was him back to his early twenties, “Loneliness. Abandonment. Disappointment. Betrayal. Injustice. Hurt,” he took a swig, “Something like that.”

“But you weren’t a hypocrite! Taekwoon hyung lied about you but I’m not lying that N is gay.”

“Taekwoon didn’t lie. He just didn’t know who I was. If he knew who I was, he wouldn’t have ruined my reputation,” Ken’s gaze was ever accusing.

Hyuk gripped his glass tightly until his knuckles paled. “You asked me how I felt,” Ken’s voice was warm, “I told you honestly so you won’t run away from the truth.”

Hyuk’s sigh was defeated. Under the influence of the alcohol, past mistakes, past memories, and past dreams, lies and reality blurred together. Hyuk did not know what is the truth that he’s running away from anymore.

***

Hyuk did it. He heaved out a long heavy sigh as he stepped out of the boss's office.

"Hi!" Ken screamed into his ear. Hyuk jumped.

"Why are you so scared? Did you do something bad that you'll regret later?" though his tone was playful, his unamused expression indicated the opposite.

"No!" Hyuk walked away from him, only to be pushed against the wall ruthlessly.

"What did you tell the boss?" Ken's voice dropped into a low, threatening whisper.

Hyuk stared back at him, unflinching, "What did I tell him? Oh. Please. I'm not the telling type. You know me."

“No. I don’t.”

Ouch. Hyuk imagined a stinging slap on his cheek.

Though Ken saw his dongsaengs eyes waver in disbelief, he was not letting him off the hook easily, "What did you guys talk about?"

"I asked him about Kyusica. He didn't have much reaction to the news though."

"And why's that?" Ken pressed him deeper into the corner.

"Something like the Golden Couple’s affirmed dating scandal only benefit SM's profit. The big bucks don’t go to our firm’s pocket."

Ken finally released him, nodding, "I knew he's going to say that,” his eyes hardened, "If I find out that you breathed a word about N, you'll be fired. I'll make sure that you can't come back to any of the departments in this press."

Hyuk gulped, "A-Alright," Ken had never threatened him before so he stuttered, "C-Can I go back to work now?"

Ken watched him retreating back to his miserable cubicle. His back touched the wall, completely shaken. He hated to tear his eyes off of Hyuk nor leave him alone. Ever. He kept Ken awake all night, thinking about what stupid thing he would do the next day. Then Hyuk would greet him with his brightest, most innocent smile, and all sins were forgiven. A small smile found him. He brushed his hand over his chest. He needed to calm his fluttering heart in order to carry out  his resolution. He had all the good reasons in the world to carry out his threat.

Ken have always said that it wouldn't be his fault if the celebrities got into deep because of him. But this time around, it would all be his fault, and no one would be forgiven.

***

The bar was nearly vacant since it's too early for any party-goers to have any swing. Hyuk hid himself in a shady booth in the corner. In the hour that he was there, three men had already offered to buy him a drink. Hyuk wasn't sure if he should be flustered or flattered by their interest. Anyway, Hyuk didn't come to a gay bar for a good time like those men did, because he only had his eye on the man of his dreams.

N swallowed the seventh shot at the bar table. His eyes seemed glossy, though it was too far for Hyuk to see whether or not he was crying. Watching N being broken and battered by life in front of him made his heart clenched a little. Wake up, Hyuk! You aren't nineteen anymore! Hyuk watched the naive nineteen-year-old Hyuk rush over to N's side. He acted nonchalant, as if he was not secretly in love with the super star. He played the cool stranger and listened to whatever nonsense he had to say. Even though N did not tell him his deepest, most troubling secrets, Hyuk was unwilling to abandon him. How many times Hyuk have had this fantasy? When N had gotten a lot of hate prior debuting, Hyuk had longed to be his shield to the poisonous arrows from the public. Why was he chosen when there were many talented trainees? they judged. Hyuk was the first one to believe N honesty when he got into a copyright controversy. He wanted to offer his shoulders to him when no one else did. Unconsciously, the twenty-three-year-old Hyuk stood up, his eyes stuck on N's slouching back, then something happened pull Hyuk out of his trance. The nineteen-year-old Hyuk left N’s side.

N slapped down some bills on the table while he attempted to escape from a drunkard who roamed his dirty hands all over N. The other man pulled on N's leather jacket, trying to get it off. N tried to walk out of the bar but the other man wouldn't take "no" for an answer. Hyuk was about to march up to them but he thought of something else. He got his phone out and followed the two men to the back alley.

In the dimness, Hyuk saw N shove the offender away from him. The man tipped sideway. He kept his balance though and swung his fist at N. His face swelled but still, he walked away. The other man grabbed onto his shoulders, pulling him back. N returned the painful punch. The stranger swayed. He raised his hand again and hit the air this time because N was faster. The man was slammed against the wall, followed by N’s fist buried in his stomach. And another strike. And another slap. And a kick in his shin, until the man slipped to the ground limply, unresponsive. N stumbled away from the unconscious man. The nineteen-year-old Hyuk ran after him.

Hyuk pressed "stop" to the video taping. His hand gripping the phone shook so badly that his other hand was needed to stop it from dropping the evidence. Now he finally got what he had been lusting after for so long, it's time to send N's dirty secret to the whole world. It was as easily as a button away from his goal. Hyuk's eyes were burning though. An aftershock overtook him after he’d witnessed N turned into an unrecognized cruel beast. Hyuk bit his bottom lips. N hadn't changed. How could he know that N have changed if Hyuk never knew him in the first place?

He hit "send".

An enormous relief washed over him. He spun on his heels and ran to the opposite direction from N and his nineteen-year-old self.

***

Hyuk clenched onto his bruised stomach. He stared up at Ken who was towering over him from the ground. Ken raised his foot again and Hyuk flinched away. The blow never came though. Instead his collar was grabbed. Ken’s enraged pupils were more damaging than the physical assault. Hyuk's voice trembled, "I-It wasn't me..."

Ken shook him hard, "Then why did you lie about being at home last night?! Who else from Scandal News would sabotage N like that?!"

Hyuk regained his posture upon hearing the accusation, "It's my fault that N abused someone and then ran away?! Did I make him do that?!" Hyuk raised his voice, "He got himself into trouble! Not me!"

Ken narrowed his eyes, "So you did do it."

"So what if I did? It doesn't change the fact that N was violent and out of control."

They stared down at each other for a few suspenseful seconds, holding their breaths for another explosion. Ken shoved him back to the ground. He went to the railing of  the roof. He hit the metal and bruised his knuckles. In the end, he couldn't stop what N or Hyuk was planning to do. "I'm so disappointed. In both of you," he could only watch things helplessly crashing down around him like always. Ken retreated back to the building, back to his own shell, back to the time when he needn't worry about anyone else except himself.

Hyuk limped back down to the office a while after Ken had left. He strutted back to his small workspace. Another stupid gossip of some idol doing drug was the only thing that’s waiting for him. He rubbed his temples between his palms. How much longer did he have to endure all these irrelevant things? Not very long, he hoped.

"Hey, guys!" one of the staff standing in the centre called everyone to attention. "I'm treating everyone to dinner tonight!"

Everyone cheered, though there was an unspoken shock lingered in the air. He's just a junior staff working here, why is he treating everyone? Hyuk mused.

"Ken!" One of the female staff grabbed hold of him as he walked out of his room. "He's treating us tonight!"

Ken raised an eyebrow, "Oh? What for?"

The guy in the middle grinned, "For ruining N's career! I'm getting out of this Hellhole to join the sport department!”

Ken's and Hyuk's gazes found one another across the room. Their expressions froze while everyone else was congratulating the ex-paparazzi. Ken too was smiling and congratulating him whole-heartedly after he had gotten over his initial shock, which amazed Hyuk even more. If I was the one who got promoted, he wouldn't wish me a good career, Hyuk thought bitterly. He gripped on his desk as a thought struck him mercilessly: it could have been me getting out of this Hellhole! Why was Han Sanghyuk always the soft-hearted one? He clutched onto his shirt, preparing for a heart attack. If only he had sent the video to the boss instead of his own email account! Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched Ken walking back to his room and stopping midway. He turned to Hyuk again and gave him a sheepish smile. He ducked into the room like a flustered schoolgirl getting caught staring at his crush. Hyuk felt his heart slowing down a bit. Hyuk sighed. What would he do with his stupid Jaewhan hyung?

***

When Hyuk pulled out his cookie box from beneath his bed, Ken wished to remain sober. The beers he had bought with his bonus pay were sitting on the carpeted floor, untouched. Ken did not miss an inaudible breath that Hyuk secretly took when his hand brushed over the metal lid. Ken was dying to know what was kept inside the box and what with all the ceremony? He didn't want to rush him, afraid that he would change his mind. The task seemed to be immensely difficult for his dongsaeng. One small wrong move, Hyuk would take a chance to bolt like an antelope in the wild being pursued.

A clink was responded. It opened. Ken held his breath. "What the...?" Not in a century would Ken expect a box of items endorsed by N’s handsome face would be unearthed from under Han Sanghyuk's bed. Hyuk swapped his hand away when he was reaching for an album, "Careful! It's signed!" he screeched.

Ken chuckled, "Chill. I didn't touch it yet. When did you have all these?"

"Since high school," Hyuk didn't meet the surprise in his eyes.

Ken one of the photos from the earlier days when N had just debuted. His jet-black bang had been untrimmed, covering his forehead entirely. His smile was so wide that his eye disappeared behind the bang. He looked just the way Ken remembered him. Not this kind of smile though. He did not recall his smile being as authentic as deep-sea pearls… N was surely not smiling right now. Ken gazed at the ceiling, keeping the tears at bay.

"If you're really his fan, why did you try to ruin him?" Ken looked back at Hyuk once his emotions were under control.

Hyuk kept his eyes on the smiling N, "I always thought that N was one of the reasons why I ended up in journalism,” instead of a straight-forward answer, Hyuk started from the beginning, “I don't think I could have graduated high school without N being there for me. I was pretty smart but I didn't care for studying at all. But I studied really hard just so I can meet him one day. I always wanted to do something that will get me close to the entertainment industry.

“But hyung, we all grew up at some point. I didn't think that being a talk-show host will suit me. Social justice is my thing and look at where I'm end up! I forgot why and how I ended up being a paparazzi. I forgot where I've came from. I forgot my promise to N," Hyuk popped open a bottle and drank and drank until he could forget about what had gone wrong for the past few years.

That night, it was Hyuk who slumped against Ken's lap in a daze. Ken could only his hair until he felt better the next morning.  

"Jaehwan hyung," Hyuk slurred, "why did the boss give us a bonus?"

"Because SM is pleased with our Kyusica news. Scandal News and SM signed a contract for exclusive scandals. Go figure."

Hyuk hitched a sigh, "I'll never understand how entertainment industry works."

Ken didn't think he could fully understand either even though he had years of experience ahead of Hyuk. His mind drifted off to N again. He would never understand N’s world from living at the margin. Did he end up becoming a paparazzi because of N? Ken shook his head. Unlike Hyuk's clear-cut vision, Ken ended up here because life had pushed him along this path. He has already accepted what fate had in store for him. But he had also learned. He’d learned how to survive fate without altering it. He talked and smiled at the right time, at the right person. Without something precious inside him, he could only learn to follow life’s lead. Ken traced Hyuk's jaw with his fingertips. Hyuk caught his hand abruptly, taking Ken by surprise. He placed Ken’s hand over his burning cheek. "Jaehwan hyung," Hyuk asked sleepily, "why didn't you break my arm when I touch you like this?"

Ken’s heart hit his ribcage dully. It's true that he didn't flinch away now from his warm skin. His laugh was dry, "Because I love you, Han Sanghyuk. You can't break my trust anymore, 'Kay?"

Hyuk let go of Ken. He turned to face him properly, looking more than sober, "Jaehwan hyung, I have a confession to make."

Jaehwan's cheeks grew hot. He nodded hesitantly for him to go on. He wasn't sure if he was ready to listen though.

Hyuk, the performer on the tightrope, took a deep breath, "It wasn't me who sent the video to the boss, but I had told him about N. That time when you caught me outside of his office... He must've told someone else to follow N..." Tears were freely flowing onto his face now, "So it was me all along! If I didn't tell him, N would still be smiling..."

"You don't know if that's really you," Ken shakily took his wet cheeks in his palms. His thumb followed his teardrops, dabbing them dry. He should be crossed with Hyuk's mistake. How could he now when Hyuk was sobbing over what he'd done? He was about to tell Hyuk again that when celebrities got into troubles because of them, it's not their faults, but he didn't. It's not true that their actions had no impact on them. In a real world, any person's choice was bound to affect another person. "Thank you, Hyuk. For telling me this honestly."

Hyuk sniffed, "Jaehwan hyung, is N going to be okay?"

"Of course," his voice cracked. "He got through sticky stuff all the time. This time won't be any different." As soon as he had uttered those words, Ken started to believe them too. Hadn’t he told N that he was a variable? In mathematic, “n” could be any numbers it wanted to solve the most challenging equations. In life, N could be anything he wanted to be to solve the trickiest problem.

Author's note:  I think this might be a taboo story but I hope you liked some aspects of it. You can subscribe to this story to see any future plan for N, or you can think of N being happy some day like Ken does. Upvotes and comments are welcome too. Yeah you can vent out your frustration there lol.

Until next time! :D