,,So when are you planning to tell him?”

,,I just couldn’t do it… But I promise you I will tomorrow…”

,,I believe you don’t worry. You have as much time as you need.”

,,I know.” I hugged Sunggyu even tighter as we were in his apartment,sitting on a couch while watching some movie. I kept on spending time with him more and more and somehow that guilt slowly disappeared. Like everything started to be on it’s place again.

Ppppp - pppppp

,,Please pick up now,your phone rang for fifth time.”

,,I don’t want to get up from here…”

,,Please pick up,maybe it’s so emergency.”

,,Ahh,okay.” I stood up and reached my phone from my bag. I saw it’s Ji Ae.

,,Hello?”

,,.... Eonnie? T-Thanks God… Eonnie listen…”

She sounded like she was out of a breath and her voice was weak. I could barely understand what was she talking about.

,,Eonnie,I need… I need you to stay calm and all,please promise me that…”

,,Ji Ae,what’s wrong? Is everything alright?”

,,Eonnie…”

And then,my whole world stopped.

=====

,,There was an accident there,let’s hurry.”

,,Yes,sir.”

,,Mijoo sshi,I need you to carry this.”

,,I understand.”

,,We’re here.” The driver shouted from his seat. They stood in the middle of the crowd of people,looking at what happened. Police also came to secure the place where accident happened.

,,Make a move people.” Police shouted. The man didn’t hesitate as he hurried outside the emergency car with his helper.

,,Mijoo sshi,let’s go.” She took the trolley and hurried toward the injured person.

,,Only him. He was hit by the car.” Mijoo looked at the boy facing the floor. He looked like he was around in his 20s and quite handsome.

,,Such a shame…” Even though she may looked weird,the guy looked oddly familiar to her.

,,Mijoo sshi are you okay?”

,,Ah.. yeah just I have a feeling I knew him.”

,,It’s a small world then.” When she and the man lifted him on the trolley,she indeed was right. Her jaw dropped and eyes widened at the shock.

,,Mijoo sshi,are you alright now?”

,,I was right… I knew him…”

,,How?”

,,He was my hoobae on university… All girls had crush on him… Oh my God…”

,,I’m sorry.”

,,How did this happen to him… He was such a great guy.”

,,Then let’s hurry and identify him,do you remember his name?”

,,How to forget… Nam Woohyun…”

=====

I ran and ran and ran. I couldn’t cry,I couldn’t think. I didn’t know where was I going or what is happening.

,,How could this happen… no…”

In my head,Ji Ae’s last words,before my phone fell from my hands,kept on repeating.

,,W-Woohyun… he… he’s dead,Eonnie…”

I was running down the street,until I reached a hospital where Ji Ae called me from.

,,How did this happen?” Those thoughts couldn’t leave my mind. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I can’t believe I wanted to break up with him,sense of guilt overpowered me again.

I can’t believe he’s gone now.

,,W-Woohyun…” As I entered the hospital,the realization of what’s really happening hit me. I saw Ji Ae crying,Dongwoo and Sungyeol were no different. And the woman I assume was his mother was screaming.

,,MY BABY! NO!” The woman was held by her husband on the ground,both crying their hearts out. His siblings were there as well. His older brother,2 older sisters and the youngest sister. The ones he was talking about so much. It’s so sad to meet them all like this. When they were all crying and grieving.

My knees gave up on holding me,and that’s when I fell on the floor as well.

,,Eonnie!” Ji Ae noticed me and her and Sungyeol ran towards me. They were all shaking and trembling. I was no different.

,,H-How… How did this…?”

,,Accident! Truck hit him,Eonnie…” Ji Ae talked through her tears.

,,N-Namu…” And then,my heart pierced on two parts.

,,NAMU!” I started screaming and crying.

,,NO! Why did this happen,why?” Next half an hour,three of us were crying on the floor. I lifted my head and saw Dongwoo sitting on a chair,looking into one spot,tears just running down his cheeks. He didn’t move he didn’t do anything,but just sat there.

I didn’t know how to believe this. I couldn’t believe he was gone now. Life without my Namu… No,I already did imagine my life without him. I was about to break up with him. I was so selfish when I think about it. How could I only think about myself?

,,OPPA!” His youngest sister started screaming again,denying his death all the time.

,,Look what you’ve done.” The voice inside my head suddenly spoke.

,,He’s dead. Be happy now,you can freely go to another man. At least he wouldn’t be broken. Know why? Because he’s DEAD.” I squeezed my eyes,trying to forget the voice. But I couldn’t. It was right. I stood up and ran towards the toilet. I looked myself into the mirror and I was really pale. My eyes were read and I was again feeling really sick.

,,W-Woohyun…” Quickly after that,I rushed to the toilet seat and vomited. As I finished,I flushed but couldn’t leave the cabin. My tears started to fall again,actually they never stopped.

,,I… What am I gonna do…”

I went back and Ji Ae was barely breathing out of crying.

,,Ji Ae,calm down… You will faint this way…”

,,Eonnie… we… we saw… we saw him…” She could barely speak.

,,Where is he?”

,,T-There…” I hurried as she showed me which room he was in. I rushed and suddenly stopped when I saw Sungyeol going out of it,really pale. It was terrible. Woohyun’s mother screamed and cried and the rest of the family was no different.

,,You don’t want to see him.” Sungyeol stopped and grabbed my hand. His other went to my cheek and wiped tears that fell from my eyes.

,,I have to.” I said quietly. I let go of his hand and went towards the door. I peeked inside. His mother was on the floor and next to him was his father,comforting her. Others couldn’t stop with crying and wishing for his return. And then,there he was.

,,Namu…” I looked at his face first. He… He didn’t have any color anymore. His lips weren’t pinky anymore. His eyes were closed and his face was full of scars and bruises. He didn’t look so happy as I remember him. It didn’t look like him at all. There was no smile,no more his cute and happy acts. That little adorable puppy everyone loved. No more cheesy and greasy jokes. No more warm smile in the morning and his cooking. No more his energetic behavior and his singing.

No more Nam Woohyun.

I looked away. I was one step to falling and shouting his name,but I covered my mouth with a hand. They were shaking. I was whole trembling. How could it end like this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

,,I’m sorry…” I whispered multiple of times. But it didn’t help. I felt terrible. I felt I was at fault.

,,Young lady,who are you?” Suddenly,his mother went out and stopped next to me. She still managed to show little smile when she saw me.

,,I-I’m no one..”

,,You must be… Since you’re crying for my son like this.” She sniffed and brushed another tear.

,,I-I loved him… So much…”

,,My Woohyun must be so blessed… You’re the girl he was talking about so much…”

I showed little smile through my tears.

,,H-He did?”

,,I’m glad to finally meet you. Now,if you’ll excuse me…” She slowly bowed and slowly walked away. I soon after walked away as well. Talking with his mom just made me realize how much I was at wrong. How much… I’m stupid. And that I will never forgive myself on this.

I came home. I saw I have lots of missed calls from Sunggyu. I ignored them. When he called again,I ignored again. I couldn’t speak with anyone. I just couldn’t.

Then,I heard Ji Ae coming inside of the apartment. I needed to see how is she doing.

,,Ji Ae,what are you…”

,,YOU !” Before I realized what was she talking about,she slapped me hard. She was crying,but she looked really upset and angry.

,,Ji Ae…” I was in the other hand in shock. I didn’t understand what was happening.

,,HOW COULD YOU? I HATE YOU,YOU STUPID !” She pushed me on the floor. I fell hard,but I didn’t feel any pain. She grabbed her bag and started to search something. Then,when she found what she wanted,she started throwing some pictures in the air. I was still confused,but when I saw what kind of pictures fell on the floor,shock was literally a small word to describe my feelings. Pictures of me and Sunggyu kissing that day in the hotel were all around the room. I widened my eyes and grabbed one of those.

,,W-What is…”

,,You explain to me. We found it in his room. This is the reason why he got drunk. And because he was drunk,the truck hit him.”

,,I...I…”

,,You killed him. YOU WERE THE ONE!” I couldn’t describe her anger. She was both sad and angry. I never saw this kind of Ji Ae.

,,Ji Ae...I…”

,,DON’T YOU DARE TO SAY MY NAME! MURDERER!” She screamed her final and went to her room. I heard her crying,but I was still on the floor,trying to realize what just happened.

,,H-How…” I looked at the pictures. Questions began to gather. How,who,why? But,the hardest words to digest were hers. Murderer.

She was right. I killed him. I killed Woohyun. The man I loved. How can I say I loved him? If I did,I wouldn’t want to break up with him. I wouldn’t kill him. I wouldn’t go to Sunggyu and this wouldn’t happen.

If just I was happy with what I had at that time and didn’t wish for something more,he would still be alive. He would still be with me.

,,I-I’m sorry…” I was hardly breathing.

,,I’m so sorry… I’m sorry,Woohyun-ah…” I was already crying,while squeezing the picture I had in my hand. My heart hurted me so much. My heart hurted me. My soul,my body. Everything was hurting. Like that,I spent my whole night suffering. No,from now on,I will only suffer. There’s no more true happiness for me.

Tomorrow,at the funeral,Ji Ae was still not talking to me. She was avoiding me. On purpose. She couldn’t look at me without hate. And I understand her for that. Sungyeol and Dongwoo were no different. Sungyeol was with Ji Ae all the time,and looked at me once. But he looked away right away,and didn’t even try to talk to me. Dongwoo avoided me as well. I’m sure such a kind hearted person couldn’t believe what I did. It hurted me so much,but I understand them as well. This is just a start of my punishment.

We were all gathering and getting ready for the worst.

When he was in the cremation room,his family screamed and screamed while looking through that window.

,,MY BABY! DON’T GO! GOD,TAKE ME INSTEAD! PLEASE… NOT HIS FACE,NOT HIS BODY! MY BABY,COME BACK TO ME,COME BACK HOME TO US! AHHH,MY SON!” His mother screamed the words that brought us all tears. I was at the back,I couldn’t stand at the front. I didn’t have any rights. But my stomach twisted and my whole body hurt me. It’s like everything inside of me is trying to hurt me as well. I squeezed my eyes and tears fell again. I grabbed my stomach and tried not to scream out of pain and out of the grieve.

I watched him burn,people screaming.

,,Namu…” I wanted to kill myself. I felt like doing it. The rest of my life will be hell anyways. And I killed him.

Slowly,people started to leave the room. I was the only one who was still inside after everyone left.

I neared the window and looked at the fire inside.

,,Can I go there as well? Can I kill myself as well?” I touched the glass and hit my forehead on it.

,,You can’t forgive me… I don’t want you to forgive me… Let me suffer… Don’t worry,I got used on it anyways. I’ll be fine. You be fine,somewhere far away from here. I hope that there you will find someone who will love you forever. Even though after all,I will say sorry. Because… It’s the only thing I can say… Ah there is one more thing…”

I closed my eyes. And then I opened them again.

,,Even though I did this,made this horrible sin,Woohyun believe me that… I truly loved you.”

I moaned.

,,I miss you…”

I cried a river that night. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened.

,,Woohyun-ah!” I was screaming his name. I was pleading to heavens to make him somehow comeback to us. To make him be here.

Everyday was a living hell. Ji Ae started packing her stuff right after the funeral.

,,Ji Ae… Please… Talk with me…”

,,I have nothing more to say to you.”

,,Ji Ae…” I neared to her to touch her shoulder.

,,DON’T TOUCH ME!” She screamed at me. I backed off.

,,I don’t want to see your face ever again. Don’t try to find me. I won’t see you even if you do. I hope you’re happy now with your dear Sunggyu.” She closed her suitcase and walked towards the door. I didn’t follow her. I heard her slamming the door and that was the last time I saw Ji Ae. I crouched on the floor. I again start to cry. What am I gonna do without her? I spent my days living with her,eating with her,just sharing all of my happy and sad moments with her. She became my family. And I also made another family leave me.

Later that day,I finally went out the apartment and gathered courage to knock on the Sungyeol’s and Dongwoo’s apartment. I gulped before I saw Dongwoo at the door.

,,H-hey…” He looked no different than any of us. His eyes were red and he was so pale and his hair was messed up.

,,Hey…”

,,How are you?” I didn’t take my eyes off the Dongwoo as I looked how his tears formed again.

,,How do you think I can be,Ji Won?” He blinked few times and wiped his nose with his hand.

,,Can I come inside?”

,,Yeah,sure.”

As I stepped inside,I saw lots of boxes. It looked like someone is moving. I immediately turned towards him.

,,Who’s moving?”

,,Ahh,this… I am…”

,,Why?”

Dongwoo lowered his head and sniffed.

,,I..I can’t live without Woohyun… I miss that guy… so much.” I gulped.

,,Nothing’s same without him… I can’t live here anymore… There’s too many memories.”

,,Oppa…”

,,Now,you reminded me how he always demanded of you to call him Oppa,hehe..” He chuckled but on a sad way. Yet another victim to my crime. I looked at the floor. I can’t face him.

,,I know what you’ve done… I was so angry before but… Nothing happens without a reason…” I was still facing the floor.

,,But I will forgive you,Ji Won.” I now looked at him and his little smile on his,tired from crying,face.

,,No… You don’t have to… It’s not something that can be easily forgiven…”

,,It’s not good to have a grudge against someone as well. I believe it’s hard to you already…” Tears formed in my eyes again. I hurried and hugged Dongwoo. He hugged me back. I felt his warm tears on my shoulders.

,,I need to continue with packing now…”

,,I wish you all the best,Dongwoo.”

,,Same goes for you.”

I planted one kiss on his cheek.

,,Goodbye,Oppa.”

,,Goodbye,Ji Won.” He waved with one little smile and I returned it. I closed the door of his apartment and slowly went back to mine. Dongwoo left his apartment. That was the last time I saw Dongwoo. One week later,my condition only got worse. Almost everyday I vomited and felt so tired. I would cough time to time and I wondered if my pneumonia got back. Ji Ae never called or anything. I wondered if she returned to our hometown. I knew she was still upset and I didn’t want to call her. She said what she wanted to say to me before she left.

I also wondered what’s happening with Sungyeol. Did he went with her? Or did he stay in here? I never saw him since Dongwoo left and Dongwoo didn’t say anything about Sungyeol. So,I would sometimes knock on his door to see if there’s some respond. But nobody ever replied to me.

Sunggyu called me all the time. But I would just reject his calls. I can’t talk with him. And I don’t want to. I felt really mad at him. And I felt sorry for him. Right now,I didn’t even know what I wanted. I would cry every day,cursing everything. Wishing for the times to go to their old,happy times,where everything was so innocent. I prayed to my mother,asking her why did she give me such a hard life. Why can’t I enjoy something for a longer time? Why can’t I be happy?

Tomorrow,I went to work like I was doing in the past one week. And at my whole surprise,I saw Ji Ae.

,,Ji Ae!” I shouted her name and she turned around when she saw me. She didn’t go away like the last time and what I noticed is that she wasn’t wearing an uniform. And I didn’t see her in the past week in here so I could think only of one thing.

,,Don’t bother me. I’m not here to say goodbye to you.”

,,Still it’s good to see you…”

,,Hah,don’t try to up to me now. I quit.”

,,This job?”

,,Yes. I don’t want to do anything more with you.”

,,But where are you going to stay?”

,,That is out of your concern.”

,,Ji Ae please… Apartment is empty without you…”

,,No. It’s over. Goodbye.” She turned around and I watched her back facing me as she soon disappeared out of my sight. I looked down and remembered a reason why I came here. It’s because I want to quit as well. I submitted all the papers. I can’t work like this anymore. And also I can’t manage apartment on my own. I had to let it go.

I walked out the hotel and went towards the building.

I started to pack everything. It took me whole afternoon. With the tears in my eyes,I packed some stuff that Ji Ae shared with me. I looked at our album with all of us. I looked at Woohyun’s pictures with me. I sighed and squeezed my eyes trying not to cry. But I couldn’t. I can’t stop my tears. There wasn’t a day that passed that I didn’t cry. It’s so funny how my whole life changed in a week. There was nothing to look forward to.

,,I miss you all…” I kissed the picture of all 5 of us and put the album in the box. Then,I heard a knock.

I rushed towards the door and saw the one I didn’t see in a long time.

,,Hey.”

,,Sungyeol!”

,,I’m here because Ji Ae sent me.”

,,Ji Ae?”

,,Yes. To pick up her stuff she didn’t pick.”

,,Where is she? Where will she stay?”

,,She will be with me.”

,,In your apartment?”

,,No… Dongwoo didn’t tell you? I moved out the apartment.”

,,What?”

,,Yes… I couldn’t live alone,we all shared our bills and all. But Dongwoo moved out and Woohyun…” He looked in the other direction and gulped.

,,Anyways,can I come inside?”

,,S-Sure…”

,,It won’t take long,just to pack her stuff.”

,,I already did. I knew she would eventually come to take them,so I packed them.”

,,Ah,you did? Great then.” I showed Sungyeol few boxes Ji Ae left behind and took them. When they were all out he was about to say goodbye,but I stopped him.

,,Sungyeol…”

,,Uhm?”

,,I… I… feel like suffocating… Can you just talk to me a bit? Just a coffee or a tea,please?” I didn’t want to,but tears again formed in my eyes. Sungyeol looked at my pleading face and nodded.

Few minutes later,I handed him a tea and sat across him.

,,I’ll be moving out as well.”

,,I guessed you will.”

,,You all left… I don’t want to be alone here again.”

,,I see…”

,,Where will you and Ji Ae stay?”

,,We found a new apartment. We will live there together.”

,,I see… Please take care of her well.”

,,I will,I promise.”

I looked at my cup.

,,Ji Won… I was there… With Ji Ae and Dongwoo when we came into apartment after we came from the hospital. We went to his room. Those pictures…”

,,I know…”

,,How… How could you do that to him?”

,,I don’t know myself anymore. I… I don’t know.”

,,He loved you… more than anything. He told me he wants to marry you.” Sungyeol added a little,sad chuckle.

,,I don’t hate you,Ji Won. I know that Ji Ae can’t forgive you,but… I’m still your friend. I’m angry at you right now. But I’m telling you this because I still consider you as my friend.”

I placed my hand onto his.

,,Thank you,Sungyeol. You’re one great friend.” I took a few sips of my tea. After couple of minutes,I felt like throwing up.

,,Excuse me,Sungyeol-ah.” I put a hand over my mouth and ran towards the bathroom. Sungyeol came after me. He tapped my back as I vomited.

,,Are you okay?” He asked me while handing me a towel when I finished.

,,It’s okay for me,I’m vomiting a lot these days.”

,,I do notice you lost quite of weight.”

,,It must be because of it. I sometimes have a huge appetite but sometimes I just feel like vomiting it all.”

,,Do you have any other symptoms?”

,,Headaches,I feel tired a lot and I cough sometimes.”

,,You had it all when you had pneumonia…”

,,I know. I didn’t drank any medicine though… Just some for digestion.”

,,Would you come with me to the hospital? Having pneumonia after another in such a short time is very dangerous. We need to check you out.”

,,It’s okay,Sungyeol,I’ll be fine.”

,,No,I insist.” Since he was so nice,I accepted and came with him to the hospital.

He took my blood to do a blood test and my urine as well. I waited for couple of hours in the hospital to see if it’s anything serious. I remembered the last time I was in here. How Woohyun took a good care of me. I immediately closed my eyes and remembered his gentle touch.

,,Woohyun…” One tear fell down again and that’s when Sungyeol entered the room. I turned to him and managed to make a little smile.

,,So,what’s the problem?” Illness was another thing I wouldn’t be surprised if I got it. If I could not heal from it and die would be lovely. I would be happy if I could die. And I’m sure people would love it too.

,,Well,there’s not really some illness problem.”

,,Then what?”

,,At least it’s not a problem that would disappear in next 8 months.”

,,W-What are you talking about?”

,,Ji Won,you’re almost one month pregnant.”

I widened my eyes and my jaw dropped.

,,P-Pregnant?”