+one
Blush for Me+1. She has a problem.
Jackson was perpetually late.
It was like his biological clock was permanently set to Hong Kong time so he was always, always running at least an hour behind everyone else in Seoul. It was kind of endearing at first, how he’d show up a little out of breath, apologetic and self-deprecating and promising that it won’t happen ever again. But now-
“It’s ridiculous.” SeungYeon insisted.
“No.” YoungJi tried her best not to tap her foot. “It’s infuriating.”
“Then leave.” Her friend suggested, then snorted because they both knew that wasn’t going to happen. She switched her phone to the opposite shoulder as she continued going through GyuRi’s closet. “Just come back. I told you I needed your help to pick out something to wear tonight.”
YoungJi stared at her watch for the fifth time tonight as if it would change the fact that Jackson was officially an hour late. She really should just leave.
“What’s wrong with the outfit HaRa laid out for you?” She asked instead of walking off.
“Absolutely nothing!” GyuRi shouted through the speakerphone from her ottoman as SeungYeon proceeded to throw yet another dress on her bed. “She’s being crazy.”
“No I’m not!” SeungYeon replied stubbornly, “It just…wasn’t right.”
Considering that SeungYeon had already burned through her own wardrobe and YoungJi’s by now, YoungJi had a feeling it was less likely that SeungYeon couldn’t find anything to wear, and more like there was nothing in their collective closets that could calm her nerves.
“He likes black.” YoungJi offered, “And the color blue.”
“So what?” SeungYeon scoffed, “I should show up looking like a bruise?”
GyuRi laughed in the background, SeungYeon made a whining noise and YoungJi suddenly wished that she’d stayed home that night. Then she’d be in GyuRi’s room, watching SeungYeon lose her because first dates are important even if you’ve already met the kid like 800+ times backstage anyway. Instead, she was standing outside in a park, shivering in her jacket waiting for a brat who told her he’d be there “in fifteen minutes” over an hour ago. God, she felt so stupid for even being there.
“You could always wear my blue dress that you like.” YoungJi said instead. “The one with the low back.”
“Ooh.” SeungYeon hissed, indecisive. “You don’t think that’ll be too revealing?”
“Wear GyuRi’s black jacket then.” YoungJi dismissed. “You’ll kill two birds with one stone.”
“And knock him dead when you take it off.” GyuRi added gleefully, already pulling off the studded leather jacket from her closet.
“Thank you YoungJi.” SeungYeon said and YoungJi could imagine her friend sighing in relief before she heard, quieter now, “You-” She sighed again because it was always a delicate topic with YoungJi, “You really don’t have to stay there.”
YoungJi stared at the ground, embarrassed, and scuffed her shoe into the pavement.
“Yeah.”
“He really should’ve called you.” SeungYeon said gently, “Or at least let you know that he was running late.”
She leaned back on the bench and noted the stars had come out, “Yeah.”
Over the line, SeungYeon sighed loudly, resigned, “But you’re going to wait for him anyway aren’t you?”
YoungJi closed her eyes and tried to swallow that same taste of disappointment she’d been growing accustomed to.
“…yeah…”
She had burned through four companies in as many years.
Her first company trained her so hard that YoungJi cried at least once a week and considered quitting every other hour she spent singing, dancing, and dieting. She hated it, and after being passed to be placed in a group that maybe could hopefully debut one magical, far-off day in the future, YoungJi grew fed up, swallowing bitter tears so she could speak the words “I want to leave.”
Then she started over again. And again. And then again.
Her sister told her she was expecting too much. Her own parents advised against it each time she came home and announced that she was through with getting nowhere. They told her that moving from one agency to another was hasty, that things would work out if she just stayed in one place long enough.
But YoungJi was impatient.
And she wasn’t about to dig deep roots into a dead earth when what she wanted to do was spread her wings and fly. She wasn’t capricious, just smart enough to recognize when people were wasting her time, and wise enough to leave instead of being led on.
Her breath fogged when she exhaled sharply,
“So what the hell am I still doing here?”
He finally called when she was boarding her bus, pocket vibrating with their latest song as she moved her pass over the scanner.
Well I love you anyway
That’s why I put up with you
Every day, every night, feel like a fool
You gotta kno-
She cut off BamBam’s voice before the bridge finished as she took her seat and swiped the surface of her phone maliciously.
Call Ignored
It took courage, going through four companies in four years and leaving three of them even though it felt she was shredding pieces of herself as she left. It hurt, walking away from something she wanted so badly over and over again. But rejection wasn’t always outright and honest, with a casting director standing in front of you telling you “You’re just not right for this.” No, being turned away wasn’t always that kind. Sometimes, rejection was subtle, like a chat room with a dozen sent messages but none received, or a raincheck for a dinner that’s never going to happen because it’s been five months since he suggested it in the first place.
YoungJi’s been doing this for a few years now; she understood the nuances. She survived then, and she’ll be just fine now.
At least that was what she told herself on the bus ride back, setting her phone to silent because actions spoke louder than words, and YoungJi didn’t quite care what Jackson Wang had to say anymore.
Hey pick up pick up pick up pick uuppppp. Received 7:53pm
Come on I’m sorry I was late but can you just please pick up?? Received 7:54pm
Or call me back so I know you haven’t been kidnapped. Or killed. Received 7:55pm
Because HaRa will kill me if you get killed. Received 7:55pm
Or GyuRi. Received 7:56pm
Or SeungYeon. Somehow, I think she’d be the worst one? I don’t know why… Received 7:57pm
H. Received 7:58pm
E. Received 7:58 pm
O. Received 7:58 pm
Young. Received 7:58pm
Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Received 7:59pm
Bzzz. Bzzz.
BZZZ. BZZZZ. BZZZZZZ-
“For God’s sake.”
YoungJi glanced up to see GyuRi standing from her doorway. Her leader gestured to YoungJi’s phone, which was laid face-down and vibrating so violently and frequently that it had actually moved from the center of their coffee table, gravitating towards YoungJi on the couch as if Jackson Wang was willing her to pick it up.
“He’s a persistent kid isn’t he.” GyuRi muttered.
She didn’t mean to snarl, “Persistent and unreliable and incapable of taking a hint, apparently.”
GyuRi only laughed. “So how long are you going to be mad at him this time?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Instead of being offended by YoungJi’s decisively vindictive tone, GyuRi leaned against the doorframe, amused, “It means that this is the fifth time in the last three weeks you’ve decided to ignore him.”
Was it? Damn. Wait. GyuRi was keeping count?
“So?” YoungJi asked aloud instead.
“So you fighting with Jackson is getting as predictable as the daily weather forecast.” GyuRi answered. “The only thing that changes is how long your little love storm will last.”
YoungJi threw a pillow at their resident goddess, GyuRi shrieked as she ducked and YoungJi’s phone kept buzzing and trilling until it finally fell off the table altogether.
He eventually stopped trying to contact her.
Which was just as well, YoungJi convinced herself, because there was nothing Jackson Wang could possibly say to get back into her good graces. HaRa toweled off her wet hair as she wandered through the living room.
“And that’s the seventh time you’ve said that this month.”
“Oh my Go-” YoungJi scoffed, “Are all of you keeping count??”
“My dramas have ended.” Her friend shrugged carelessly. “I need something to entertain myself with.”
“I’m so glad I could be of service to you.” YoungJi drawled.
“Don’t be so snippy about it.” HaRa nudged her cheerfully, “The Saga of JackJi would make an excellent tragedy. Or a romantic comedy; depending on how you look at it.” She added as an afterthought.
Considering that there was nothing romantic or humorous about the situation, YoungJi resigned herself to groaning and throwing her head back on the armrest of the couch. She hated tragedies. She hated futile situations that she couldn’t just walk away from and it was frustrating because Jackson Wang wasn’t a situation; he was a person, an annoying, irritating human being who’d managed to weasel his way into her life, burrowing holes into her heart without leaving anything behind except disappointment and mixed messages and the same apologies over and over and over again.
“I hate him.” She declared, staring at the ceiling until she could feel those annoying, hot pricks behind her eyeballs. HaRa watched as their maknae threw an arm over her eyes, lips trembling threateningly. She sighed.
“No you don’t.” HaRa said gently. YoungJi felt a kiss on her forehead that suddenly made her miss her mother. “But that’s the problem, isn’t it?”
HaRa sat with her for a moment, brushing her bangs and cooing every time YoungJi swiped at her dampened eyes.
0-3-2-9
Tzzt.
“Dammit.” He glanced at the webpage on his phone before trying again. 0-7-2-4?
TZZT.
Okay. Maybe he didn’t really think this through. But he had at least one more code to try so Jackson punched in the numbers 0-7-0-1 and prayed that he wouldn’t hear the errant ‘Wrong combo’ buzz again when the door swung open quickly and Heo YoungJi was suddenly standing in front of him, looking just as surprised to see him on her front porch. They stared at each other for a moment before Jackson smiled/winced and said, “Hee~y YoungJi.”
“Jackson?” YoungJi was still trying to clear out the cobwebs of sleep in her mind because surely she was dreaming that Jackson Wang was outside her door and- she glanced at the keypad of her dorm’s front door and glared at him, “Were you trying to break into my home?”
“Okay, technically,” Jackson insisted, “It’s your band’s home. And it’s not breaking in if I used the entry code…” He trailed off, “Which I would’ve figured out…eventually.”
YoungJi gave into the urge to rub her temples because it was- she glanced at her watch- 11:34pm and she had a male idol on her doorstep looking ridiculous with-
“I know I’m going to regret asking this,” She muttered, “But why on earth are you wearing a trench-coat?”
Jackson grasped the lapels of his brown coat and looked offended, “Really? You don’t recognize this??”
“You look like you’re about to traumatize children on a playground.”
“Okay, okay. Maybe with this then??” Jackson reached down and pulled up-
“What the hell are you doing with a boom-box?” YoungJi scoffed just as Jackson held it up over his head and the first strums of an old song came alive in the hallways of her floor.
…When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are…
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are…
“What is wrong with you??” YoungJi hissed, dragging him inside instantly before their neighbors could wake up. Jackson turned the music down as he stumbled over the doormat, but somehow managed to still look upset at her.
“Seriously?? You’ve never seen that movie? It’s, like, iconic and-”
“How did you even get past security on the ground floor?” YoungJi cut him off because it just occurred to her that their rent was exorbitantly high to accommodate their need for privacy.
“Oh.” Jackson seemed to have forgotten that he didn’t live there, “SeungYeon let me through.”
“She let you up?” YoungJi glanced at their front door, expecting her unnie to walk in.
“Eh~,” Jackson smirked, “It was more like I came in at an inconvenient time for her so she let me through as long as I kept my mouth shut.”
YoungJi couldn’t help it. She snorted. “Oh?”
“Yup. Hope you don’t plan on waiting up for her.” Jackson winked. “She and JiMin looked, ah, busy.”
She laughed. Dammit. She really hated him.
YoungJi got him a glass of water because she was raised to be polite even to idiots who gutted her without realizing it while Jackson made himself comfortable on the couch she’d been napping on. His boom-box was still humming that song quietly on repeat by the doorway and neither of them had thought to stop the ancient cassette from playing.
Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
“I’m sorry.” He said the instant she set the glass down by him. When he caught her impassive expression, Jackson tried, “I know I’ve said that a lot, but I really, really am sorry.”
“You’re right.” YoungJi said, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. “You have said that a lot.”
Jackson fiddled with the rings on his fingers, “…aren’t you going to even ask why I didn’t show?”
“Isn’t it the usual?” YoungJi hated how bitter she sounded because she didn’t really have the right to be so- “You had to do this, or someone needed you for that. Something always comes up with you, doesn’t it?”
Jackson swallowed because there was no right way to reply to that. “…I’m so sorry, YoungJi.”
“You say that a lot.” YoungJi said quietly, arms crossing over her chest. “It’d be nice if you meant it even once.”
“YoungJi-”
“It’s fine.” She cut him off and tried to smile while picking at her nails. “You don’t owe me anything.”
His expression hardened. “That’s not true.”
“It is.” YoungJi insisted, folding her hands in her lap. “It’s not like this is the first time it’s happened.”
“…No.” Jackson resigned. “But you don’t have to say that it’s fine. You can get mad at me too, you know.”
The thing was, though, YoungJi was past being mad; she was just…disappointed. And he knew that too.
“Thanks for stopping by.” She said aloud instead because the longer he was around her, the more her problem was going to grow, “But you should probably head home now. It is pretty late.”
YoungJi rose to him to the front door, only to have him tug on her hand as she passed in front of him. She thumped down to the couch beside him.
“Yah-!”
“Let’s watch a movie.”
“Seriously??” YoungJi glared at him and tried to stand. Instead, Jackson wrapped one arm around her arm to hold her still.
“Geez, you’re cold.” He announced, retracting his arm only so he could shrug out of his coat, draping the material over her legs even though there was a perfectly good throw blanket on her other side.
His arm was back around her shoulder before she could react properly so she settled for muttering,
“I’d be nice and warm in my bed if you’d just leave.”
“Oh?” Jackson raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Should we just watch a movie there instead?”
She punched his arm and he laughed and settled back into her couch like he belonged there, his other hand flipping through the channels for something to watch. She’d be lying if she said she hated moments like these; quiet ones that didn’t involve five layers of disguises and coordinating schedules for a get-together that wasn’t a date because you date love interests and not friends and they were always walking down that thin line until it turned messy and confusing just like them.
“You don’t have to do this,” YoungJi told him, honestly, as he settled for a rerun of Running Man. “I get that you’re sorry about tonight, but we could just do a raincheck.”
After all, what’s another one compared to the dozens he already owed her?
“I’ll just stay until SeungYeon comes home.” Jackson said. “We could even play over-protective parents on her and ask her why she’s covering up her neck.”
He chuckled at his own brilliance and YoungJi rolled her eyes. They stayed quiet afterwards, watching an exchange between JiHyo and Gary with a barrage of edited hearts and matching instrumental music playing overhead. YoungJi shifted under his trench-coat and Jackson rested his cheek on her head.
“…You shouldn’t stay just because you feel guilty.” She told him when the show went to commercial.
Jackson didn’t take his eyes off the TV screen as he smirked, “Is that why you think I’m still here?”
“Depends,” She quipped. “Do you always try to make up for flaking out by invading your friends’ homes at midnight?”
It was a joke, but it was enough to make him mute the program and look at her seriously, his lips a breath away from the peak of her nose. “Do you really think I’d be here if you were just any other friend?”
“Aren’t I?”
He blinked, surprised that she was challenging him. The screen lit up one side of his face quietly, the one noise in the apartment was the faint strums of the damn boom-box that they’d entirely forgotten to shut off and was on its 8th replay of the same, idiotic song.
In your eyes, I am complete
In your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes, The resolution of all the fruitless searches
Jackson flicked her forehead once and YoungJi yelped, the moment broken.
“Yah!” YoungJi leapt away from him, slapping his arm in the process. “What the hell was that for?”
“I was just checking to make sure there was brain in there,” Jackson said, “Since you asked such a dumb question.”
“Why you little-!”
“The guys and I got into a fight.” Jackson blurted out, prompting YoungJi to snap her jaw shut in surprise. “Not a we’re-breaking-up kind of fight,” He rushed to tell her when he saw her expression fall to horror, “But it was…um…” Jackson scratched at his jaw, exhaling tiredly. “It was pretty bad.”
He wasn’t going to tell her about Mark kicking a chair across the room or YuGyeom storming out with JaeBum chasing after him or YoungJae punching a wall because there are some things in his life that he can’t and won’t let taint his whatevership with this girl.
YoungJi swallowed, hard. “…A-are you…”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He told her emphatically, rising to his feet and taking one of her hands. “We’re okay now. It happens every so often and we always find our footing better than ever so it’s…It’s okay.” Jackson reassured her, idly rubbing his thumb over the back on her hand. “I wasn’t even going to say anything because it’s not your problem, but you have to know that I’m not trying to treat you badly. I…I wouldn’t do that to you.”
YoungJi searched his face, looking for where the sincerity ended and the lie began and it was such a problem for her because she knew she wasn’t trying very hard anymore.
“So what are you trying to do?” She asked him, curling her fingers around the hand in hers.
Jackson scoffed softly as if she’d made a joke. “I kind of thought it was pretty obvious, isn’t it?”
Was it? She wanted to ask. Because ‘obvious’ to her was a sky-written message lit up by fireworks but maybe he was talking about the way his rings were going to make indents into her palm if he kept holding on to her so tightly and maybe she was overthinking things and maybe it was exactly what she’d hoped thought it was from the start.
“I’m trying to make things right with us.” He told her. And it was a loaded reply that raised more questions than clarified anything, but this was her problem after all. YoungJi opened , entirely unsure what was about to come out; an admonishment, a joke, a confession?
“I’m sorry you had a fight.” She said instead because she might’ve been having an emo moment but Jackson just had it out with his brothers and still chose to seek her out afterwards. It means something even if she can’t quite put a word to it yet.
“It’s okay.” Jackson shrugged, giving her a small smile. “We’ll be alright.”
YoungJi hesitated to even ask, “Are you sure? It seems like it was a big fight.”
“It was.” Jackson admitted, “But we’ve been through worse. And we’ll get through whatever else comes up.”
She smiled at his bravado. “You sound so sure.”
“I love them.” Jackson confessed easily. “And if you love someone, you find ways to forgive and move on together.”
“Yeah.” YoungJi agreed softly, grudgingly, “I guess you do.”
It’s a problem really; the way they fall back down on the sofa together and how he drapes his coat back over her legs and she settles her head into the crook of his neck. Because she’s not sure what any of it means or what they are and it’s confusing and heartbreaking and she should really just ask him to leave because a lack of rejection isn’t a confession and she should know better than to settle for anything less than what she wants.
Or maybe she’s just overthinking things. Maybe it’s exactly what it looks like: them and Running Man at midnight and a pair of clasped hands on his lap as they laugh every so often. Maybe that should be enough for her.
He left as promised, shortly after SeungYeon came in and they decided to be little s together.
“Ooh unnie, where’s your scarf?”
“Forget that, where’s your dignity??”
SeungYeon blushed like mad and asked them to please keep their hands above that coat, this is an idol dorm, not a love-hotel. YoungJi protested loudly and Jackson laughed even as he called his ride. She saw him to the door to say good-bye and he hoisted that dumb boom-box onto his shoulders right before pecking her cheek so quickly that YoungJi didn’t have time to shove him away.
“I hope you can forgive me,” Jackson told her as she sputtered. “So we can move on from this.”
YoungJi scoffed because, “Of course we will.”
He smiled and walked off with the final notes of the love song she couldn’t understand lightly echoing down the hallway.
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat that I see in your eyes
Later, when his coat is still lying on her bedspread, a copy of Say Anything shows up at their door. YoungJi watches it with Korean subtitles and SeungYeon sits beside her. It’s old and cheesy and there were these cultural nuances that went over her head completely that SeungYeon had to explain. When Lloyd raised his boom-box outside Diane’s window, YoungJi asked,
“Is this an American thing?”
“No.” SeungYeon idly ran a finger over a dark bruise above her collarbone, “It’s kind of like love I guess?”
It suddenly occured to YoungJi that maybe, just maybe, she didn’t have a problem after all.
12/6/15
(I promise this is over now)
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