Don't go, tell me that the lights won't change,
Tell me that you'll feel the same, and we'll stay here forever,
Don't go, tell me that the lights won't change,
Tell me that it'll stay the same
Clair De Lune – Flight Facilities

Jihoon wraps his arms around Taeil and squeezes, squeezes so hard Taeil is lifted up off the floor, his arms trapped by his sides and feet kicking feebly as he tries to get free. “Jihoon!” He squeals.

“Hyung, you did it!” Jihoon whispers into Taeil’s ear, making his hair stand on end, and with one last furious wriggle he drops out of Jihoon’s grasp and gasps for breath.

“I haven’t even entered the dorm yet, and you’re accosting me? What did I do to deserve this?” Taeil shoots over his shoulder as he pushes past Jihoon on the way to the kitchen, dumping his keys on the hall table as he goes.

Jihoon is bouncing along behind him. “You finished your music video shoot! Did it feel weird? Without us?” He slides in front of Taeil, blocking his path. “Without me?”

Taeil pushes past him again – has Jihoon been drinking? – and laughs. “No, it wasn’t weird. It was kind of fun.”

He reaches up for a glass and turns around to go to the fridge and walks straight into Jihoon’s chest, who makes no apology but instead wraps his huge hand around Taeil’s bicep, his lips opening and closing like a fish, struggling to get words out.

Taeil just watches, extremely conscious of Jihoon’s hand around his arm, overly aware of the way it sends tingles radiating through every nerve in his body. He tilts his head, observing the way the maknae’s pupils dilate, and as Jihoon starts to talk, the tell of alcohol smelling breath washes over him and he smirks. “You’ve been drinking.”

“No – I mean, yes – I mean, hyung, your eyes look nice.” Jihoon stutters.

That’s all he needs to know, and he rips his arm from Jihoon’s grasp and makes his way to his room, calling out over his shoulder, “goodnight, Jihoon,” in that firm voice he only uses when he needs to.

In his room, he shuts his door carefully and leans against it shakily, fingers gripping the empty glass he hadn’t bothered to put down. He finds it very, very hard to control himself when Jihoon does that, when Jihoon is just himself, but that’s his problem and not the maknae’s and he needs to learn some damn self-control.

//
Two nights later

He is instantly awake. He is a light sleeper normally, so he knows something is wrong, and as he sits up and snaps on his lamp, glancing at the clock – 3:04 am – he is confronted by the sight of a pale Jihoon, hands shaking and shoulders hunched.

“Oh, Jihoonie, did you have a nightmare again?” Taeil whispers, and Jihoon just nods, the shivers reaching his whole body now.

It’s too much for Taeil to bear, seeing the younger man standing in his doorway shaking horribly, that even as he knows he shouldn’t, even as his brain is screaming at him don’t you dare, he gets up and guides the maknae into his bed, cuddles up behind him. Jihoon takes one of his hands in his own, gripping onto it hard, and Taeil dismisses any thoughts like that from his head. He is just being a good hyung, that’s all.

“What was it about?” He murmurs, his hand coming up to Jihoon’s hair, brush it back from his eyes. Don’t, he warns himself.

A shudder wracks Jihoon’s body, and Taeil winces. “J-just the usual.” Jihoon stammers out through clenched teeth.

“Thailand?” He whispers, and gets his answer when Jihoon curls up into a ball.

“Oh, Jihoonie. Come, let’s go to sleep now.” Taeil reaches over and snaps off the light, plunging them into darkness.

He Jihoon’s hair until the maknae stops shaking and eventually falls into a deep sleep, even snoring a bit. But even then he can’t doze off. He is precisely aware of Jihoon next to him; of the way Jihoon’s hand brushes against his thigh and comes to rest on his stomach in his sleep.

So he lies awake all night, watching over Jihoon’s dreams, making sure the monsters don’t return.

//
A week later

“Hyung, let’s go somewhere.” Jihoon wails, bursting into Taeil’s room and taking his hands in his own. “Everyone else is so boring.”

Taeil can’t help but laugh, even as he gently extricates his hands from Jihoon’s; too much physical contact is heady. “What do you mean, everyone else is so boring? Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. For a walk? Come on.” Jihoon says, gripping Taeil’s wrist this time and pulling him out of the chair.

“Okay, okay.” The older man concedes, grabbing his wallet and keys on the way out.

//

Halfway to the park down the road and Jihoon slips his hand into Taeil’s, looks at the older man with a huge smile and continues walking.

This sends Taeil’s heart into overdrive. It’s innocent, he’s just being himself, don’t read anything into it, it’s nothing, he says to himself in his head, even as Jihoon rubs his thumb along Taeil’s knuckles, even as he feels himself getting hard at this little tiny thing, even as he begins to sweat uncomfortably.

What has he gotten himself into?

//
Three days later

His breaking point, of course, involves alcohol.

They’ve all been drinking, some faster than others. Not for any particular occasion; Jiho had busted out a bottle of wine and they had all gone from there, and now they are all lounging around the kitchen and living room, arguing about what to watch on television.

Taeil stands up and the room spins slightly. He ignores it and nods to Jiho. “I’m off to bed. Night, guys.”

“Night!” They cry, before turning their attention back to the remote. Kyung has possession of it now, and is standing on the couch to try and evade the others, who are all reaching for it.

Taeil shakes his head and heads to his room, where he shrugs off his jumper and pulls on his sleep shirt. He turns to head to the bathroom, toothbrush in hand (once Kyung had joked that he would use everyone’s toothbrushes to clean the toilet and, since then, they’ve all kept theirs hidden away) when he bumps into Jihoon, again.

“Hey, it’s late. Out of my room.” He snaps, a little irritably.

“Hyung. I just wanted to say goodnight.” Jihoon pleads, his voice deep and low and smooth, like chocolate, and Taeil shuts his eyes for a moment, realigns himself.

“Well, you said it. Come on, out.” He gestures towards the door, behind Jihoon, when Jihoon grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers.

The sensation of Jihoon’s calloused, big hand enclosing his is too much. Every nerve in his body is buzzing, he feels jumped up, so he wrenches his hand free and shoves Jihoon, hard, mouth twisting.

“Just stop it, okay? I don’t know if you think it’s fun to with me like this, but I don’t find it funny.” He snarls, practically vibrating with anger and need and want.

Jihoon is utterly confused, and takes a step back. “I’m not trying to mess with you, hyung. I was just saying goodnight.”

“You – you need to stop touching me, Jihoon, because I can’t think when you do. I can’t ing breathe when you touch me, and I can’t do it anymore.”

“Why do you want me to stop?” Jihoon asks, his eyes narrowing.

Taeil can feel the shovel in his hands as he digs this hole deeper, but he’s like a freight train now, can’t stop. “Because I’m gay, damn it!” He yells, the words resonating through the room, rebounding into him and piercing his stomach, white-hot and painful.

Jihoon takes a step back, his mouth falling open. “You mean – you’re… gay?” He stutters, his voice higher than Taeil has ever heard it before, and he knows then he has just ruined the best thing he’s ever had.

“Don’t – Jihoon – please – ” he reaches for the younger man, but his mouth twists in disgust and he turns and is gone.

Taeil hears the front door open and close and sinks to the floor, burying his head in his hands. 

//
A week later

“We need to talk about this.” Taeil states.

As much as he doesn’t want to talk about this, not really, Jihoon has been studiously ignoring him; even when Taeil congratulated him on Bastarz’ success, Jihoon had just glared at him. He can’t stand the way the temperature drops ten degrees whenever they’re in the same room; he misses Jihoon.

Jihoon is sitting on the lounge, trying to watch television. He looks up, a completely blank expression on his face. “No.”

“No? That’s it? You’re just going to say no?” Taeil spits, getting worked up already. Damn it, he wanted to stay calm.

“No. I don’t want to talk about it. We don’t have anything to talk about.” Jihoon looks at him dead in the eyes then, and the anger that Taeil sees in them nearly knocks him backwards. As it is, the air in the room is suddenly gone, and it is hard to breathe.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to let this fester?” Taeil probes.

Jihoon turns his eyes back to the television. “Yes. I have nothing more to say.”

Taeil gives up, shaking his head as he heads back to his room. He’s not going to lie to himself and say that this isn’t what he had expected, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as this.

//
Two weeks later

“Hyung, can we talk?” Jihoon rumbles.

Taeil nearly leaps off the bed in shock. It’s been two weeks since hearing that voice directed towards him, and he’s lying if he says he hasn’t missed it. His heart swells. Maybe, just maybe, he has a chance to turn this around.

“Sure, Jihoon. Come in, sit down.”

Normally Jihoon would sit on the bed, even cuddle up to Taeil, but he picks his way carefully over to the desk chair and sits himself down. Okay,that hurts.

This is the most he has gotten out of Jihoon for two weeks, so he sits back down on the bed and begins talking. This is something. “Look, Jihoon, I just… I won’t watch you change, or anything gross. I’m still me. I just happen to like guys.”

Jihoon turns his head slowly, like an owl, and stares at Taeil, measuring him up. “Have you ed a guy?” He asks, his voice completely even.

Taeil winces at the crude way of describing it. “Yes, I have.”

Jihoon his lips. “What… What was it like?”

That floors Taeil. Whatever he was expecting – Jihoon to calmly explain that he hated Taeil, that he was getting Jiho to throw him out of the group – it certainly wasn’t that. “What do you mean what was it like?”

Jihoon scoots to the edge of the chair, his fingers gripping it. “I mean what did it feel like?”

Taeil shrugs, opens his mouth to respond – well, how do you even respond to that? – when Jihoon stands up, shakes his head. “No, don’t answer that. I’ll find out.”

And before Taeil can move, before he can say a damn thing, Jihoon takes one, two strides towards him and kisses him, a hand underneath his chin tilting his head up, their lips moving in sync like this was always meant to be, but Taeil pulls back. This isn’t right.

“What… Was that?” He asks, calmly, if a little breathlessly, as Jihoon sits on the bed next to him. Jihoon is entirely too close, and it’s inhibiting his ability to think properly and ¬– oh, , Jihoon lays his long- hand on Taeil’s thigh, wrapping around it. “Stop. You know I can’t think when you do this.”

Jihoon kisses his neck, works his way up to Taeil’s ear. “Oh, I know.” He purrs. “Come on, Taeil. You know you want to.”

Taeil shoves him away, and Jihoon sits back, giving Taeil room to breathe, to think, without Jihoon being everywhere. “I want to. But you don’t. You’ve been ignoring me for three weeks, damn it, you can’t just turn around and say you want to me.”

Jihoon looks at him, eyes narrowed. “You think this is recent? You think I’m that innocent, that I didn’t know how you reacted when I touched you?”

Taeil wants to scream. “Then why have you been ignoring me for three weeks? You don’t want this, trust me. You’re just telling yourself you do.”

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want. I’m not a child.” Jihoon snaps, before hesitating, looking down and picking a nail. “I was shocked, that’s all. I didn’t… I didn’t actually think you were gay. I know, it was dumb of me. But you telling me gave me the courage to act on what I have been feeling for so long.”

Taeil sighs and scrunches up his eyes. This conversation is not going the way he had intended it to. “Look, Jihoon, I’m sorry but – ”

“I like you, hyung, damn it. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” Jihoon barks.

Taeil looks back at the younger man, searching his eyes, trying to find anything in there that might tell him that Jihoon is lying because come on, things like this don’t happen in real life, but there is nothing but honesty in Jihoon’s eyes.

“I want to try this with you.” Jihoon whispers, sounding as vulnerable as that night he had crawled into Taeil’s bed, and Taeil’s heart melts. He sighs, inwardly scolding himself for being so easy to persuade, but when Jihoon is holding his hand, their fingers interlaced, squeezing it gently… it’s hard to refuse.

So Taeil kisses him again, gently, revelling in all that is Jihoon – his smell; the way his huge hand buries itself automatically in Taeil’s short hair, the other grasping at his shirt; the way when they open their mouths and their tongues touch, hesitantly at first but getting bolder, he feels like he could fly.

“Hyung.” Jihoon says, almost the word into Taeil’s mouth, and Taeil feels a shudder involuntarily rock through him.

He breaks the kiss and puts his hands on Jihoon’s shoulders, forcing the younger man back a bit and giving him a shaky smile. “Hey, Jihoon. If we’re going to do this properly, let’s not get carried away, okay?”

Jihoon touches his lips with his fingers, as if surprised by the way he reacted, but nods and smiles, and oh god Taeil has missed that smile, the way it lights up his whole face, and this time it’s for no one but him.

They flop back onto the bed, not talking, just silent, Jihoon holding Taeil’s hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world.