It has been two weeks since Hoya and Sungjong came back to Gukhwa and the only glimpse Sunggyu has had of them was when siblings and Sungyeol got together at Myungsoo’s house.

After the confrontation with Sungjong, Sunggyu had shirked into the shadows. Myungsoo’s mother had invited him to join the dinner too but he refused, too full of pride to accept.

Woohyun went after Sunggyu reassured him it was okay.

But now, as he sits atop a high branch on a tree in the forest, Sunggyu feels a twinge of regret. He had self-isolated himself from the other boys and this made him feel unbelievably lonely and outcasted.

He glances around. Orange rays from the sunset reaches him through the thick branches and thin leaves. A breeze sweeps by and it startles him into grabbing a nearby branch.

“I hate this,” he says aloud and the winds sigh along with him. Trees creak and groans as air dances pass them. It reminds him of something he wishes to forget.

. . .

Sunggyu’s heart is about to burst from his chest. He had been waiting all night for this.

Woohyun slams his palm on the trunk of the tree three times and now Sunggyu is airborne. The shock of the landing sends a jolt of pain to his ankle but this is so fun.

Dongwoo’s hoarse cries rises above the boy’s howling and Sunggyu feels drunk. Maybe he is drunk. But what the hell? Seeing his terrified friend made adrenaline pump his veins. He felt… powerful.

He lumbers forward, playing his role as the ghost. Sunggyu’s body convulses with silent laughter.

It’s too bad really, that the wig covers so much of the view. He can only see flashes of Dongwoo shuffling back on his hands and feet. Dongwoo is yelling at him to stop, stop, stop and a flicker of hesitation rises within Sunggyu.

But this is too fun. Sunggyu smolders the thought. He continues.

This forward step, backward scramble dance goes on until Dongwoo is too scared to even cry or whimper anymore. At this point, Sunggyu gets bored. There has to be something to elicit a bigger reaction.

Someone starts shouting behind him but Sunggyu barely registers it. In one quick motion he swoops down and is inches away from Dongwoo’s face before the latter can blink.

This move scares him beyond reason. He scrambles to get back on his feet and run but–Sunggyu his head to the side–Dongwoo disappears instead.

Woohyun is by his side now, shouting and bellowing,“He’s going to fall into the river! Oh my God, oh my God. Sunggyu! Oh my God!”

Sunggyu yanks off the wig just in time to see Dongwoo’s body plunge into the river. The drunken feeling evaporates and he rushes down the hill. The other boys have caught up to him and they can’t look at each other.

No one jumps in.

“What do we do?” Sunggyu asks. “What do we do? I didn’t know. I–I–This isn’t my fault! I didn’t do this!”

. . .

Sunggyu is ripped out of his memories when he hears the familiar crunching of leaves. It sounds like a crowd is coming.

He blinks and shivers. The sun has gone while he was wrapped up in the past. Just like that night, it’s clear and the moon is out.

“This hurts,” Hoya’s voice travels up to Sunggyu from below.

“The day of his birthday always hurts.” Woohyun replies.

“Birthday and Deathday,” Myungsoo murmurs. Sunggyu catches the sight of the backs of the five boys at the slope of the bank. Ever the crybaby, Sungyeol is sniffling. Sungjong has an arm around him. Everyone has their head bowed at the river.

Sunggyu climbs down the tree, careful to not make a sound.

“I should’ve been more cynical,” Hoya says. “I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I could’ve stopped it.”

“I shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic about it,” Woohyun says.

“Yeah, well I should’ve jumped into the river and saved him,” says Sungjong. “We all should’ve. But us beating ourselves up about things we should’ve done to prevent his death isn’t going to help. He’s dead. We all played our part.”

For a long moment, there is only the sound of rushing water to fill the silence between the boys.

Then, Woohyun takes a deep breath. “I have a confession to make.”

Sunggyu moves close enough to see his friend’s hand shake with fear.

“For three years I’ve left this misunderstanding alone. But now that most of us are here, I want to say–” His voice hitches. “–that I was the one who thought of the plan. I let Sungyeol take the blame for me but really, he was the first to hear of it and he merely retold it to you guys.”

“What?” Sungjong swallows thickly. Hoya and Myungsoo say nothing. “How can you say this now? Do you have any idea how much Sungyeol suffered because of this? You pinned the blame on him? What the hell, Woohyun?”

“I know. I know and I’m sorry.” With a heart leadened with guilt, Woohyun turns to Sungyeol. “I’m really sorry.”

The latter smiles sadly. “Its okay. You’re forgiven. I know how much Sunggyu means to you. He would’ve left you had he known. He’s still in denial after all these years.”

“He’s like a stubborn old man,” Myungsoo remarks. His chuckle is dry.

Sunggyu emerges from the shadows. He says nothing.

“S–Sunggyu.” Woohyun’s eyes are wide. “I… how long were you there?”

The former holds up a hand. “It’s fine, Woohyun. I have a confession too.” Just like many years ago, Sunggyu feels like his heart will burst out of his chest. But this time, it’s not because of excitement, but fear. One that’s strong enough to make him feel like he can’t breath, that no blood is circulating his system.

Like Woohyun, he takes a deep breath. “I… I was drunk. I kind of knew we were getting close to the river but I didn’t realize…” Tears are leaking out of his eyes. They’re hot and they sting. “ I didn’t think he would fall and roll into the river and drown. And when he fell in, I should’ve gone in after him but I didn’t and–”

Something pale flashes under the moonlight and suddenly, Sunggyu’s on the ground. Pain blooms around his right jaw and he looks up to see Hoya towering over him, breathing heavily. He gets up slowly.

“So you knew!” Hoya whispers. His voice is so quiet the other boys can hear the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces all over again. “You knew you were close to the river but you lunged forward anyway. He was so scared, he couldn’t yell, couldn’t cry.” Hoya’s voice breaks. “I don’t think it was because you were drunk on alcohol, Sunggyu. You were drunk on power. It felt good, didn’t it? To have someone be scared of you and do what you want them to. This is how you always were. You killed him, Sunggyu. You bastard.” Hoya lands another blow, this time catching Sunggyu on his cheek. Then another one. And another one.

Everyone is doing their best to hold Hoya back but they are getting elbowed and thrown aside in the process and Sunggyu just stands there and in that moment, he really wants to die. All this guilt is killing him from the inside out. He deserves this pain though. Dongwoo had felt more. This is nothing compared to what his friend had felt.

“Let me go,” Hoya snarls. He’s like a frenzied animal. In all the years Sunggyu has known him, he’s never seen the gentle Hoya as angry as now.

“Calm the hell down,” growls Sungjong, equally as fierce. “This isn’t going to solve anything.”

The other boys yell their agreement but it doesn’t placate Hoya.

The chaos is lost to Sunggyu.

I deserve this, is all he can think.

I deserve this.

I deserve this.

I deserve this.

I deserve this.

Just as he finishes the thought, something slams against him. Bewildered, Sunggyu feels his body soar. It’s like slow motion. But then he hits the grass and then everything fast forwards into a blur of black and pain.

And then, ice. Icy coldness. The world becomes nothing but darkness. He looks up to see the beautiful white moon wavering past the water. He’s in the river.

It’s hard to move, he realizes. Or maybe it’s because there’s no use in moving.

He tries to gasp for air but that only brings water into his lungs.

This is how Dongwoo felt. Terrified. Cold. Confused.

Everything becomes numb. Pleasantly numb. Everything is okay. If he would just give himself up to the waters, everything would be okay again. He would never feel guilt nor pain again. No more shame.

Peace at last.

Sunggyu’s eyes flutter to a close.

I deserve this.

. . .

“No! Sunggyu please!” Woohyun’s voice is far away. It’s like Sunggyu is hearing him with water in his ears. Something warm touches his lips. His body is really cold. Freezing.

He jolts upright, gasping for air. The disgusting river water spews out his mouth.

Woohyun is hugging him tight. So is Sungyeol and Sungjong and Myungsoo. Even Hoya is.

Everyone is sopping wet. Shivering. Crying. Sunggyu begins to bawl too.

“We were so scared, Sunggyu!” Sungjong cries.

“The river’s current was so strong, I thought I would be swept away,” Sungyeol blubbered. “But getting swept away is better than losing another friend.”

Myungsoo glowers. “What were you thinking, you idiot? How could you just jump like that? Did you even think about how we would feel if you really died?”

Through the distracting coldness, Sunggyu can barely concentrate on Myungsoo’s words. “W–W–What are you talking about? I didn’t jump. Someone pushed me.”

Hoya barrels his way past the boys. He embraces Sunggyu, nearly crushing him. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but the fact that you’re alive. I’m sorry I hit you, Sunggyu and I’m sorry for saying what I did. You didn’t deserve it.”

“It’s okay, really.” A thought struck him. “But… did all of you jump in to save me? I can swim, you know?”

“No one hesitated,” Myungsoo replies. “You know how much we regretted not jumping in to save Dongwoo.”

Sunggyu exhales, amazed. He looks at the huddle of pathetic, shivering boys and a breathless laugh escapes his chattering teeth. Soon enough, everyone joins in.

“I’m really glad you guys saved me,” he says. “I get it now. I don’t know if I deserve to die or not because of what I’ve did–”

“You don’t,” Sungyeol cuts in and Sunggyu smiles.

“–but I do know that instead of over what I’ve lost, I should’ve appreciated what I still had: you guys. You guys are everything to me. Always has been. But I couldn’t cope with my guilt over what I had done. Hoya is right when he says I have a thirst for power. I want to change that now,” Sunggyu attempts another smile but it turns ugly when he begins to cry again. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk.”

Another group hug ensues.

“It’s okay. Everything is okay now.”

A/N:

One more chapter left guys! Thanks for subscribing, commenting and supporting my story!

I appreciate each and every one of you.