It was that Sunday that all hell broke loose. It was in the early afternoon, I had just left Jodie house, so he could take his final preparations before he would go on his date with Jace. Jodie had asked me to stay after breakfast on Saturday and since I didn't have much to do that day, I agreed. Jack has his oficial Saturday, family day at home, so he couldn't stay without getting in trouble with his dads -he secertly enjoys the Saturdays a lot though. Nate also had to go, because he had to work that afternoon. Jodie and I did that afternoon and evening where we were the best in other words .. masks, nail polish, hair care, films, magazines and much talk about anything and everything. A typical 'best friends' day for us. It was about ten O'clock in the evening when we both fell asleep while watching this cheesy movie called 'Pitch Perfect'. The next morning, so today, I had a well made breakfast for him and help him pick out what he would wear .. This of course took hours to do so,I decided to go home after that.. Which was a really poor decision, that's one thing I'm sure off, knowing now, far in the furture.

“Mom I’m home” Mom did not work on Sunday noon, she had a evening and night shift though. “Where the hell have you been?” Mom was about what I could see and hear from her, the old woman again. Her flu has blown over in a few days and that's one of the things I'm so jealous of when it comes to my mother, as I'm sick for at least a week when I've got the flu. “Jodie’s house, why are you asking as if it is the end of the World? What did I do this time?” “Going to a concert without my permission” “Excuse me?” “You heard me Tomoko” And when She called me by my name, I knew I was in trouble. If you know that she  always call me Bubby, Tomoko is just a drastic change. “You never are like this.. What happened?” “You went out to a concert without me knowing of it! Do you know how concerned I was about you?” “I did tell you about it mom. I told you Wednesday for Christ sake” “Don’t talk to me in that tone young lady” I layed my backpack down by the front door and walked into the kitchen, my mom folwing me close behind. “What is the problem if I may ask? You never get like this, not even when I sneaked out to go to that rock concert a year ago! Why do you get mad at me for going to a concert where I told you about?” “It’s not the concert that is the problem” “Than what is? Why are you being so difficult” “Because I don’t want you to get hurt, Tomoko” “It is a SHINee concert we are talking about here, it’s one of the safest to go to. You weren’t like this in my hard core fase, and people literally punched each other in the face with those concerts.”  “That’s not what I meant by it! With that how ungrateful are you?” “Excuse me?” “You heard me” “What even –Just because I heard you doesn’t know that I know what you mean by it” “I always took care of you!” “Well, uncle Spencer did that for eight years, you only started to love me when you fell in love with that man” “How dare you? Take that back!” “I can’t, it’s truth time” “Okay, maybe I didn’t love you from the start.. I was seventeen when I got you, I was sixteen when I got pregnant, can you really blame me? Point is that I made sure you were save at all times, that you had food to eat, that you had clothing to wear. Why are you being like this?” the atmosphere that hung around in the kitchen was very uncomfortable. It was as if a bomb could explode at any moment, something I dreaded, and would prefer not happening at all. “Why am I being like this? Mom you seem to be mad at me for going to a perfectly save concert, which I told you about beforehand. If you didn’t want me to go you should have told me! The guys would have understand it too.” “The guys, that boy band you mean?” “No, I meant the guys I’ve been friends with since I was seven years old! Jodie, Nate and Jack, remember them? Seriously what did you take?” “Surprisingly, nothing.” “Then why are you acting like I’m the most ed up brat that’s alive to this day?” “Because I can see you’re taking off from your dad, and I don’t like it one bid!” “Why do you need to bring him up at this moment? What does he have to do with anything right now?” “He has everything to do with everything right now." I watched my mom surprised, I decided to let it go and ask her once clear, one last time. “Mom, if I did something wrong in your book, than tell me about it without being like this! Be frank, be rude, be whatever, but don’t be like this! Just don’t, please” “I just don’t want you to contact him in any way. He is not a good person.” “This again doesn’t have anything to do with this problem, and you know what I give up.” This time it was my mom who was looking suprised at me. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to finish that book for France.” Net toen ik de keuken wou uit lopen gebeurde het. “He is in that band okay! The person you can call your dad is in that god awful band that you love so much” And that's when everything fell into pieces. All of which I was sure in my life, suddenly were nonsensical. And call it cliché, but I could feel the tears burn in my the corners of my eyes.  “Tomo-“ “No, don’t you dare to say anything.. Don’t you dare to say anything after dropping that bomb on me.”

I turned around and ran out of the apartment, the tears already rolling down my cheeks. It was as if all the frustration trapped there, in my body, for all those years suddenly decided to take all at once and leave my body. I did not know what to feel .. I felt anything and everything. There was confusion, sadness, fear, anger, but somewhere something of relief, though it was incredibly small. So I felt therefore, small. To be honest, I have never felt so small and I do not even know why I feel that way. I know who my father is, well almost at least. There are only five boys .. I should be happy, why do I feel so bad? Why does it feels like someone had just told me that all the good memories I have of my childhood are all lies? Stories that I made up with my young mind, and I've come to believe over the years. I came to a stop in a park, it was the park where the boys I had met all those years ago, but even that thought did not let me feel better. I decided to do what I always did at times like this, hit something hard to let the frustration escape my body and mind. That was the reason I started hitting the nearest thing to me and hard too. It was not hitting the playful way like I always to with the boys, no this were all movements of which I did not even know they were in me. After having repeated this a few dozen times I let myself fall to the ground. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and thought about texting Jack for a minute, but then I realized that he probably still would be busy with his homework, his parents may be as understanding as possible, but he does still everything to get the highest possible grades, I would not lik to  bother him. Nate then? No, that's not an option either. It's Sunday, three o'clock in the afternoon, he sits reading for children at the library. Jodie was anyway not an option, he was on a date with Jace, and that time I did not want to screw up, it's been a while since he last was on a date with his Jace and he needed the good feeling of it. He may not know it, but I do. I turned my phone off and put it down next to me, I put my head on my knees that I had pulled up, and I made myself as small as possible. I made myself as small as I felt, hoping that I would just fall through the floor or even a lot better, just vanish into thin air.

“Are you okay?” Without looking up I knew who voice that was, I listened to their music for years and years after all, how in the world would I not reconize that voice? That warm undertone in his voice just gave it all away. I looked up and saw Jinki stood infront of me, what however was a surprise was that Minho stood beside him.  “Aren’t you suposed to get ready for a show?” It was the last day that SHINee would have a concert here in New York, and if I could believe the things Jodie and I read online, they would leave to go back home on Tuesday. It made no sense in any way that these two men were standing in front of me right now at this very moment. “We got a few hours off, don’t worry about it. Now, why are you sitting here all by yourself? You look like you want to disappear at any moment.” “Maybe because I want to Minho?” “Why? What happened?” “What didn’t happen?” I let my bangs fall in front of my eyes, I hide behind my black hair and my voice was very soft, barely audible for the two men who had been crouching down in front of me. Jinki took one of my hands in his and looked at my knuckles, that were still bleeding, it was not as bad as it was at first, but there were still small drops of blood sipping from the wounds that I had managed to create. “What happened to your hand? Did you got into a fight?” “Why do you even care?” Believe me when I tell you that it wasn't my idea to sound so harsh, my voice should not have been as lous as it was. Minho looked at me in suprise, he hadn't been expecting that the tone in my voice would change that fast. Jinki stayed the way he was, not even looking up from the little wounds on my hand. “We need to clean those wounds though.. so are you going to walk to the hotel with us or do we have to Carry you?”  I freed my hand from his. “Jodie may have liked your help, but I don’t need it. I’m not a little girl, I can take care of myself.” “And even girls like you need some help from time to time, you don’t have to do this alone, whatever what you are going through.” Jinki had my hands caught again and pulled me up gently. “Now, we will take you to the hotel we stay in to take care of your wounds, after that you can tell us what happened, okay?” “Why do you even care so much? I’m just another fan after all and I’m pretty sure that you won’t do this to every fan with some wounds on her hands.” “Well, you just look like you really need our help, so you better take it.”

The hotel where the men were staying in was not far from the park, it was one of the more luxurious hotels in the region and maybe I should not have been so surprised about the fact that they stayed here. They remain artists after all. Jinki had told me on the way to the hotel that Key Jjong had decided to watch a movie, Taemin had gone to the arcade and he and Minho just really wanted to go for a calming walk and heard about how beautiful the parks around here are  -in other words, it was pure coincidence that they found me and if I'm honest I would have preferred that they had not found me. One of them could indeed be my father.It was hard for me to know that one of them could be my father, I have looked up to them ever since I found out about Kpop and I just don't want it to be true, I want to wake up from whatever nightmare this is and be next to Jodie again. Him telling me that I have been kicking around in my sleep again and asking me if I was okay. I histe softly when Jinki dabbed something on my wounds and he looked surprised.  “What?” “Couldn’t you have warned me for it at least?” “What did you think I would do? Just use some band aids to stop the blood from going everywhere?” “Well, that’s how I would have done it when I would have gotten home tonight” “Wait, you were planning to stay in that park for hours until the evening?” I nodded, for Minho it was maybe something he could not imagine, but this is what I usually did when my mom and I ended up in a fight, I would stay away all day to cool off and late that night come home when I knew she was at work. I would just try as much as possible to avoid her, however hard it may sound to my mother. Jinki bandaged up my hands with great care and smiled at me after that.  “There, all done.” “Thank you” I might perhaps be so confused, and I may perhaps have trouble with myself, Jinki helped me and I am grateful for that. “So, what happend?” Minho was sitting across from me on the couch, while Jinki was bringing the first-aid kit back to the place he had found it when we came in.  “I just got into a fight with my mom.. I was so confused and I was feeling so small and hurt that I kinda needed to hit something. If I was smarter than I would have picked something more soft, but no I needed to go for one of the trees in the park, nothing to worry about” “I think that you hurting yourself when you’re feeling like that is something to worry about Tomoko” “It isn’t really… The last time it happened was years ago, so don’t worry too much about it. I mean you all got more important things to worry about” I got up from the chair that Jinki had let me sat down into just ten minutes ago. “Thanks for the help, but you got a concert in a few hours and as I don’t want to hold you up I better go now” “Wait” Just as I wanted to walk out of the door, Jinki folded his hand around my wrist. "What?” “At least tell us what the fight was about, it can be good for you to let it all go and it’s better that you don’t hurt yourself any more than you already did.” “Do you even care about it? I’m just another fan remember, there would be no reason why you would care about me this much” “We care about all our fans and if we can help one out than we do just that” “Oh yeah? So you would take any other fan to your hotel just because his or her hands were bleeding? Why do I have the feeling that there is more behind it? What’s in it for you?” “Do we need to have a motive to help someone out?” “Well yes, if it is someone you don’t even know like me than yes you need a motive Minho.. Now if you will let go of my arm Jinki, that would be really nice” He didn't let go though, he only digged his fingers in my arm more, making it burn. “I will let your arm go if you at least tell me what your mom got all worked up about”  “Jesus, If you really care so much to know. It was about me going to the concert and meeting you guys.” “What? Why would she get worked up about that” Jinki left my wrist and I rubbed the sore spot where he had gripped me.  “She didn’t want me to get hurt.. And I guess that I now know what she meant by that, as it is really screwing up my brain right now” I sighted, turning to the door yet again.  “I better go now, Spencer is proabley looking for me and I don’t want to worry him too much” “who is Spencer?” “The only person who really cared enough about me to take care about me my whole life” “So, your father?” “No, he is my Uncle, my dad left me when I was too little to know what was going on.. Leaving my mom behind to deal with me, which got her depressed.. He never cared enough about me to tell me who he is.. which is a shame because I know how good of a dad he can be” It was not as if I'm very jealous of the boy they had to care for those few months in 'Hello Baby', but why in the name of the angle was it that he could take care of a boy for a few months, but he couldn't do the same for his own daughter? He needs to know about me, that much is clear from the letters he sented me untill last year. “How could you even know that he could be a good dad, if you don’t know him?” “Oh I don’t know Minho? Maybe because he did this show where he had to take care of a 4 year old for a few months?” “Wait, are you talking about Hello Baby?” , since when is Jinki this sharp? I bit down on my lower lip and nodded.. I guess it couldnt be so bad if they knew, I mean if my dad was really in the band than they maybe knew that I was the daughter of one of them from the start.. Maybe thats why they seem to care about me so much. “So you do know?” “I do know what?” “Don’t play dumb Tomoko Woods, or do I have to say Kim Tomoko.” Jinki slapped Minho warningly on the back of his head, it was clear that he did not agree with what Minho just had told me ..Kim Tomoko, that means Kibum or Jonghyun should be my father.  “Well, I didn’t know that much yet Minho. The only thing that I knew was that it was one of you. My mom was so angry at me because she wanted to protect me from my dad, that was in SHINee. As she told me today.. The only one who I really scraped of the list was Taemin, as he was younger as my mom and my mom never goes out with someone younger than her.”  I told them, I still somewhat confused, I had seen Jonghyun and Kibum as the least in the race of being my 'dad', boy was I wrong "So it’s either Kibum or Jonghyun huh?” “Are you okay? Your voice is really soft out of nowhere” “Oh I don’t know Jinki, how would you feel to find the dad you wished to have ever since you knew what a dad was.. Just to find out that he is one of your Idols who had let you down for so many years?”

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Hot Damn this is late! I'm so sorry.. Okay time for a little update as what has been going on in my life.. I graduaded highschool, and want to take higher classed after the summer break ends, so I need to do extra work for Chemistry which keeps me busy, I also finally found a job which takes in a lot of time and thats how I kind of forgot to write.. Uhm, I'm very sorry, but better late than never right? I will try to keep this updated at least once a week/ once a two weeks. But I cant promise anything and I'm really sorry for that. Well, as always keep smiling 

~ Love, Verena ♥