5:15AM ZhouZhou :  Have a happy ~super duper first day of college~ (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ my Taozi! Breathe!!

 

 

 

 

 

For it being the first day of his new life, or his "super duper first day of college" as Zhoumi had so maturely texted, and barely the end of his first month in California, Tao reasoned he was actually doing pretty well in the whole overwhelming nerves and regular panic attacks department.

 

Then again, being coddled by his cousin’s friends constantly in their small apartment in Pasadena wasn’t exactly the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He'd met them back in Beijing when they'd been going to the same university as his cousin.

 

Luckily for him, out of all the places they could've moved to after that, they moved to California, which was exactly where Tao wanted to go to university himself.

 

With the two of them constantly around him, he felt a little bit more like a tourist than someone who had just made the biggest move of their life. Eunhyuk and Donghae had been nothing but kind to him since the day he moved in, and were somehow even more so on the days he had to lock himself in the bathroom for a while because everything around him had come to be a little too much.

 

Now though, now he had to be on his own.

 

Well, figuratively. Literally, he was going to be in a joint home with too many other men and not enough bathrooms between them to be able to rationalize locking himself inside of one for any extended period of time. At least, not if he wanted to make sure they liked him even a little.

 

Earlier in the morning Donghae had tearfully helped him pack up his things and Eunhyuk had swung by after work to pick him up and bring him to his new home. They were more like an old married couple taking care of their child than two twenty something year olds fresh out of university.  

 

Tao’s new home, which was only a few blocks away from his university, was both convenient and insanely cheap if only because the price was split between ten people. It was a little barren and smelt a little too strongly of whatever had been used to clean it, but a home with ten college students in it wouldn’t stay so desolate for long.

 

He went early so he was sure to be the first one there, picking out a bed in one of the smaller rooms with two beds instead of three and setting his boxes in a corner with Eunhyuk's help. He then hugged  the other man goodbye, letting him pet his hair and pepper his cheeks in kisses before he started the short trek over to the college.

 

Classes hadn't begun yet - they wouldn't for another week to allow both live in students and new teachers to settle into their new accommodations and schedules. Despite that, he wanted to check out the classrooms so he could try to learn the layout of the school.

 

He didn't want to be stuck wandering around and embarrassing himself on Monday showing up to any of his classes late.

 

It wasn't a big university, nor a particularly prestigious one. It focused on business, although Tao was intending to major in literature. There was also a rather strong arts department that was primarily for dance and vocal, which were some of the hardest programs to get into in the school besides the business program. There was also a sister school practically on the same grounds focusing on cosmetology and fashion. Tao tried not to feel jealous of it’s students when he walked past.

 

Swinging by one of the bigger lecture halls used primarily for business lessons and guest speakers, Tao couldn't help but feel impressed. The room was huge, the ceiling stretching high above his head and the seats expanding far back into the room. He was also perhaps a little worried that his parents were right and he should've started himself on the track to earning a business degree.

 

What good would a classical literature degree do him anyways? He'd probably end up a teacher, and he wasn't even good with kids. Or teenagers. Or adults, really. He'd really wanted to go into fashion, but his parents had refused to pay for it, so he'd chosen his second favorite subject and figured that was good enough.

 

He shook the worries from his head, letting out a long breath and counting down slowly from ten. There was no use in working himself up now. He was doing what he could do, and that was the best he could manage. Fashion wasn't important, or at least that was what he tried to convince himself. Literature held knowledge, right?

 

"Classes don't start for another week, you know."

 

Tao just about jumped out of his skin, turning wide eyes to the East entrance of the lecture hall and nearly choking when they landed on a shorter man dressed casually in loose jeans and sandals with a thick stack of binders held in his arms.

 

"S- sorry! I'll leave, am I not allowed to be here? I just wanted to look around, I'm sorry." The other man laughed, his eyes crinkling at the edges in a way that Tao thought made him look actually quite a bit kind.

 

"No, it's alright. I just genuinely thought that you might have your days mixed up and had come here for classes. It's actually happened to me before. Just.. actually during the school year."

 

Tao nodded, brain calming a bit from it's frazzled state when he realized that the other wasn't going to reprimand him. He watched as the other placed the binders on the podium, shuffling quietly by the door, not knowing whether to leave or not.

 

"I'm just bringing in the T. A's notes, he's busy talking with another professor. Comparing lesson plans and all that. Are you going to be in this class? Mr. Cha is a good teacher, if a little bit lenient. I'm sure you'll get along with him just fine, no need to look as anxious as you do. Are you a freshman? He's particularly nice to the freshmen, you're fine."

 

"Uh- yes. I mean, I'm a freshman, but I'm not going to be in this class, I'm majoring in classical literature."

 

The shorter nodded in response, smiling slightly and checking his watch.

 

"Alright, shame, I could've shown you the ropes. I've got to get going. I'm moving into my dorm and the truck should be here right about now. I'm Kim Junmyeon by the way, business senior. I'll see you around." Tao accepted Junmyeon's offered hand before practically running from the class out a different door, which was totally not his way of subtly avoiding the other. He couldn't help but think that his name sounded a little bit familiar.

 

Once he was out the door, Tao let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in. He felt like he’d just dodged a bullet. If that had been a teacher instead of just some random student or someone rude or whatever he would’ve froze. He was nervous enough without having to talk to someone right now.

 

He figured he should go back to the dorm now. He didn’t really want to run into anyone else and he’d already been to all of his classes.

 

Despite that, when he left the main building, he couldn’t help, but glance over at the smaller building that held the majority of the fashion courses classes. The building was made of all steel and glass and white brick. It was nothing like the older building Tao had just walked out of made of grey walls and thick paned windows.

 

Biting his lip, he let his legs guide him to one of the horizontal windows spanning the eastern wall of the building, peeping in at one of the classrooms and feeling his heart race at the sight of clusters of mannequins and collections of different kinds of sewing machines. Reams of fabric of different colors were on one of the back walls and Tao’s fingers itched to sift through them.

 

Reminding himself that Classical literature was totally exactly what he wanted to be taking, he tore himself from the window, glancing around quickly to ensure nobody had seen him. Then he started on his way back to the dorm, images of patterns pinned to long sheets of fabric imprinted on the backs of his eyelids.

 

The trek back to the dorm, or rather, the group house, was much too short. His effort to make the trip a bit longer than necessary was mostly useless despite his dream of prolonging the inevitable situation of meeting his  new housemates.

 

The large moving truck parked directly in front of his new home, partially blocking his path to the front door, had his stomach in his throat. The bright U-haul logo on the side of the vehicle made him feel a little bit nauseous as he walked up to the two story building, trying to still his shaking hands so he could get a good grip on the front door's knob. Holding his breath, he slowly cracked the door open, peeking in and praying nobody would be there.

 

"Junmyeon!" Tao gaped, his eyes landing on the short black haired man from earlier toiling away in the living room, grunting as he pushed a couch into place in front of a rather expensive looking TV that Tao couldn't recall as having been there earlier.

 

"Oh,” Junmyeon paused in his war against the sofa, his eyes widening in shock at the sight of the tall man in the doorway. “Wow, hello! What a coincidence that we're in the same house! Or at least, I hope we are, you're not in the wrong place again, right?” Tao couldn't help but blush at the teasing tone in Junmyeon's voice. It reminded him of Zhoumi when he’d ruffle his hair and tell him not to grow up too fast.

 

“I didn’t quite catch your name in the lecture hall since you ran out so fast, what was it again?”

 

"It’s uh.. Huang Zitao. Just Tao’s fine though. My stuff is already upstairs, actually, I came here earlier." At least now he knew why Junmyeon’s name had been so familiar. It was on the list of people who’d signed up to live here.

 

"Yeah, yours and three others! Unless they're a part of your luggage, too?” Junmyeon just wouldn’t let him forget about the whole being on campus too early thing.

 

Junmyeon's kind tone couldn't keep him from getting nervous at the mention of other people. His spine set itself rigid, his heart speeding up when Junmyeon's voice rose in a request for whoever was upstairs to come on down. Just a few moments later and he could hair multiple pairs of feet stomping down the stairs, as well as a rather lofty voice that spilled out into a whine against Junmyeon.

 

"I told you Junmyeon, you should've just let me help you with the couch before I started taking my stuff o-"

 

"I am perfectly capable of moving a couch by myself, Jongdae! You're making me look bad in front of our new housemate!"

 

At the mention of a new person, Jongdae's eyes scanned the room before locking onto Tao. The younger froze in place, muscles clenching as his bottom lip was clamped tightly between pearly teeth. Behind Jongdae was another man with a skin tone that rivaled Tao's own bronzen one and yet another that looked rather enraptured with his cellphone, face only changing expression when he looked up. His eyes burned with sudden interest at the sight of Tao.

 

"There's like, not a single ugly guy in this house so far. This is honestly like, so much better than the two person dorm rooms on campus. Really, you don't even get your own room or your own kitchen, it's so awful oh my god. And the ugly guys in the public restrooms- ugh, Sasquatch chest hair is a trend that needs to stop. Like, forever. Goddamn photography majors, man." He heard Jongdae let out a little snort of laughter in the background.

 

"Don't let Chanyeol hear about you dissing the photography department Baek, you know he’s very into his major. Anyways, Huang Zitao, Byun Baekhyun. He's a little.. much. You know, stereotypical California guy and all." Baekhyun smiled, offering a hand in greeting that Tao received shakily, silently counting numbers in his head to keep himself calm.

 

"Fashion design junior, ayy."

 

Honestly, Tao had guessed as much from the tortoise-shell horned rim glasses with little golden motifs and the way his printed collared shirt was ed just the right amount and tucked in just so.

 

"The guy with the cheekbones in the back there is Kim Jongdae, vocal major junior from Florida. He's touchy and likes to get drunk and pretend he's more drunk than he actually is so he can make out with you and pretend he doesn't know what he's doing. So watch out for that." So far, Junmyeon was cementing a spot in Zitao’s mind as the only responsible individual in this dorm.

 

"I literally only did that once and it was to you." Jongdae was terrifying.

 

"Yeah, sure. Suuure. Tao, if you plan to go to any college parties, which you shouldn’t because college isn’t for partying, don't go with him. Go with me because I can drive you home and I refuse to drink anywhere near Jongdae. Or anywhere near Baekhyun for that matter.” Jongdae winked at Tao before blowing a kiss at Junmyeon, which he deftly dodged. Baekhyun merely rolled his eyes. “Anyways, the other guy I've also just met. Kim Jongin. Apparently a dancer, so applaud him on that, that's one of the hardest programs to get into."

 

Jongin was undoubtedly attractive.

 

“It’s only hard to get in if you’re bad.” The blinding smile the dancer flashed him had his voice stuck in his throat. Jongin stepped forward only to pass by him, patting him on the back softly with a hand that lingered a little too long and murmuring a too husky hello that had Tao’s knees weak before leaving through the front door. Much too soon, in Tao’s opinion.

 

Tao’s too late nervous smile in response only made him feel more awkward in the sudden silence of the living room, missing the soft drone of Junmyeon’s informative spiel.  

 

"Junmyeon, come up to our room with me. I need to find out a way to arrange it in a way that doesn't upset your "zen"."

 

Jongdae’s voice broke the silence, Junmyeon giving a blatant roll of his eyes before giving the couch another adamant push in an attempt to get it in front of the TV. He smiled warmly at Tao then headed up the stairs, Jongdae in tow behind him.

 

After the two had disappeared up the stairs Baekhyun practically threw himself onto the newly placed couch, letting out a noise akin to what Tao imagined a stabbed feral cat would sound like. The nervous man settled weary eyes on the back of the couch, watching Baekhyun's feet bob up and down over the armrest. He could hear the music from his headphones from where he was standing.

 

He stood there for a long minute, not quite sure where to go. Only the sound of the front door squeaking open once again had him moving, turning towards the source of the noise. He expected Jongin to have come back from what he assumed to be his own moving truck, but instead he turned to meet the eyes of a rather familiar looking face, sweat forming at its temples as the owner attempted to haul in two large duffel bags at once.

 

He heard the familiar lisp of a "holy !" as he rushed past the other out the door, deciding college was going to be a whole lot harder than he had thought.

 

Zitao had always told himself that high school was the place where you learned how to go to college.

 

In preparation for college, he’d gone to a pretty good high school with successful alumni and a high graduation rate. The “performing arts” in the name of the school might have made his parents unhappy, but he was enjoying himself. If he didn’t enjoy himself now, when was he going to? If his parents got their way, obviously not in college.

 

Despite his view on high school, Tao didn’t think he’d learned all that much about preparing for college while he was there. Instead he focused all his time on costuming classes rather than reading the classic novels he would have to analyze to get the degree he’d been attempting to convince himself he wanted.

 

Yet somehow he still got into his preferred college with a hefty scholarship for the literature program , so he could call the time spent sewing baroque dresses completely alright with a clear conscience.

 

Senior year had been a rushed mess of college applications, sewing pin pricks and dress rehearsals for the senior theatrical production of the ‘Journey to the West.’  

 

Senior year had also been spent trying to cram all of the English language into his head in the span of a single year. At the very least, he wasn’t studying alone.

 

Oh Sehun was a foreign exchange student from Korea with a lisp that sounded ridiculous in Mandarin and light acne over his jaw. Nonetheless, Oh Sehun was also trying to learn English and Tao didn’t know very many people so he took what he could get.

 

It didn’t help that Tao might’ve had a little crush on Sehun.

 

Sehun also might’ve had a little crush on him back.

 

The crushes might not have been very conductive to their studying, but Tao hadn’t ever liked someone before. At least, not as much as he liked Oh Sehun.

 

It wasn’t really a surprise when the two of them ended up making out on Tao’s little twin bed, their hands up each other’s shirts and Tao’s thin legs wrapped around Sehun’s waist in an attempt to bring them just that little bit closer together.

 

After all, they were both high school seniors. Alone. On a bed. High school seniors weren’t known, aren’t known, for their control over their hormones.

 

Tao’s utterance of “I’m moving to California in a month and dating probably isn’t the greatest idea right now” didn’t stop either of their drives. Nor did it stop Sehun from professing his love to Tao multiple times until Tao gave in. Sehun was pretty adamant that Tao was his, even if only for a month.

 

So they dated for the short while they could and Tao gave into the fact that Sehun was the perfect boyfriend.

 

He calmed Tao when the elder needed it, let him feel in control when he needed that. Sehun made him feel like he could walk through a crowd and not think don’t trip, don’t drop your phone, don’t look at that stranger too long, is your wallet still in your bag, is there something in your teeth?

 

Despite that, with a lack of anxiety meds before leaving for America and knowing he wouldn’t ever see the other ever again, he’d left without really giving a goodbye. He’d never been really good at giving goodbyes anyways. Like this, he wouldn’t have to see Sehun’s crestfallen look when he waved him off at the airport. Like this, he could remember Sehun purely in a positive light, even if it meant lowering his already rock bottom opinion of himself in the process.

 

Now Zitao was in the college he had been aiming for after a good six months of living in California under his belt, nervous as ever and with new anxiety meds because he had a new therapist. With a new therapist came a new analysis of his ‘inner psyche’. He’d miss Dr. Show Luo if anything, he’d been the best therapist he’d ever had, and Dr. Jiaheng wasn’t the warmest of people despite his occupation.

 

Now he was too nervous to even talk about himself to his therapist.

 

Since moving to California he’d made these changes and never expected to see or hear of Oh Sehun ever again. He was perfectly fine with never having to explain to him that he’d run away from the tearful departure he had imagined they would have. Yet for some reason, the younger had walked right in with a new dye job, a duffel bag on either arm, and an ever present lisp on his breath.

 

And again, like he had six months ago in China, Tao ran away from the other with his tail tucked in between his legs.

 

At that moment he felt vaguely like he was going to have a heart attack and the only thoughts running through his head were ‘be still my beating heart’ and a slurried mess of expletives.

 

He had run back to the college campus since he didn’t know anything else about the surrounding area and didn’t want to add getting lost to his growing list of problems. Sitting gingerly down on a park bench near the mess hall he tried to catch his breath, the white noise filling his ears and images of Sehun on the backs of his eyelids filling him with a sense of dread. To put it bluntly, he was ed.

 

“Oh my god, , oh my god. Oh my god.”

 

The sound of his voice was nothing but a rushed, strained whisper, coarse with the sound of held back tears. Rocking himself gently back and forth in an attempt to calm himself he felt tears spring to his eyes, fingers curling tightly into the length of his hair. He’d barely thought about what he would do if he ever just saw Sehun again. Having to live with him hadn’t ever even crossed his mind.

 

Breathing through his teeth he shakily brought his legs up onto the bench and pressed his forehead tightly to his knees, staring at the denim of his jeans and counting the fibres of the fabric.

 

“Hey, are you alright?”

 

The voice that called to him was soft and kind but Tao didn’t bother to look up, his fingers just pulling tighter on his hair, eyes clenching closed instead of wide open as he tried to block out the world around him. Being outside where people could see him and in a new environment no less wasn’t helping him in his vain attempt to calm down. He’d only been away from Eunhyuk and Donghae for a grand total of about and hour and a half and he was already this much of a mess. He felt like a child.

 

The sudden warmth of a palm on his shoulder made him tense, his breath catching in his throat as he looked up with wide eyes, wind against his cheeks telling him the tears in his eyes had spilled out against his tan skin at some point since he’d gotten there.

 

Eyes bigger than any he’d seen before graced the man in front of him, wide in their concern and framed by thin wire frame glasses. The round glasses only exaggerated the enormity of his eyes, making his appearance almost comical.

 

The owl man’s hands were soft but determined in their ministrations as he gently pried Tao’s fingers from his hair and set them on his lap, scooching him over so he could sit himself next to the much taller male. He ran a hand in  soothing figure eights over his back, Tao in turn trying to cease the hiccups of his last few sobs.

 

Making sure to keep his breathing at a steady rhythm, the Chinese man looked wearily over at the other, shocked at how genuinely concerned he looked. The few times he’d had panic attacks in public in the past without someone there to calm him down the average random passerby had looked more annoyed than concerned. This man looked like Tao was bleeding out in the street.

 

“I- uh- I’m sorry. You didn’t have to step over - I’m fine.” Tao breathed out once he pulled himself together, shaky hands moving to wipe sticky tear tracks from his cheeks. He winced at how his voice quivered when he spoke, a testament to how untruthful he was being with his previous claim. He brushed highlighter yellow strands of hair off his thighs, mentally chastising himself for pulling so hard when his hair was already so unhealthy.

 

“No! No, it’s fine. I’m training to become a children’s psychologist, I know a panic attack when I see one. Are you alright though? Are your fingers numb or anything?”

 

Shaking his head in response, Zitao wrung out his hands, feeling the blood rush through his fingertips relieving him of the television static feeling through them. Hyperventilation always left his head light and his legs and fingers weak. Pushing himself up with a small grunt he looked dutifully at the ground, ignoring the way his knees shook and instead focusing in on an ant trying to drag back the body of a larger insect all alone.

 

“I’m alright. Thank you though - I just.. It’s no big deal, really.”

 

“No, it’s fine. Do you need me to lead you back to your dorm? That’s probably where you would feel the safest right now, right? I mean, assuming you have a dorm. I could bring you to the nurse’s quarters if that’s what you need?”

 

Shaking his head once again, Zitao sent a watery smile to the other man before bowing his head in thanks once again and excusing himself, practically running back in the direction he had come from, trying not to think about Sehun or how warm that owl eyed man’s hand had been on his back.

 

The trek back to the group house was a lot shorter than he wanted it to be. What he knew was waiting to greet him at the end of it made his hands shake a little harder and his head feel a little muddled, so he turned down a different street instead of going straight back. He figured as long as he only went one direction he couldn’t get lost.

 

A block down he found a small coffee shop that smelled of cinnamon and espresso and his nose wrinkled in protest because he didn’t really like coffee all that much. Despite that, he was too scared to walk any further from familiar territory, and most of the other shops on the street were too busy for him to feel comfortable inside of them. He felt out of place in the store of various hues of brown and red, wearing a lemon yellow sweater that Eunhyuk always joked was much too loud for him.

 

It wasn’t that Zitao wasn’t loud. In fact, he was one of the loudest people he knew.

 

He could go on for hours with Henry back in China about clothes and designers and what color he should dye his hair that week because he might as well keep going until it got so unhealthy he had to cut it all off. He was pretty adventurous with his looks for someone who was meant to be drowning in anxiety.

 

New people just made him nervous.

 

New people and new things and new situations and new anything. Anything that could potentially harm him sent off alarms in his head that told him to get the out and if he couldn’t he’d just shut down then and there and start sobbing like the kid he still felt he was. He couldn’t be truly grown up when he still had a pair of doraemon flip flops he liked to wear. Or those light up novelty sunglasses Victoria had bought him when he’d gone to Disney with her back when he’d first arrived in California.

 

Growing up though, that made him more nervous than anything; and maybe that was one of the reasons he didn’t like coffee. After all, adults only drank coffee because they needed it to get through their day, not because they actually liked it.

 

At least, that was what Zhoumi had always told him, and he had never been one to question his cousin’s knowledge on just about anything. Well, except for anything concerning dressing himself. Pink and red were never to be worn together and Zhoumi was a disaster that thought just because they were close to each other on the color wheel that it was totally acceptable.

 

Tao stood behind the counter of the store for a minute, eyes browsing over the array of sweet confections in the glass case next to the register as he waited for the cashier to come back from whatever he was doing. He was an adult with a penchant for sweet things, a load of anxiety, and highlighter streaks in his hair and.. maybe he should’ve just taken a gap year before college. Gotten his together.

 

Focused on the sugar frosted pastries in front of him he didn’t hear the door to the small shop opening, nor realize the man that entered was walking up behind him until he felt a finger poke gently into his shoulder blade. As he caught sight of the man behind him Tao wondered just how he managed to run into his dorm mates so often already. He felt like the main character of a novel that had one too many convenient encounters between its characters.

 

“Oh! I’m sorr- oh wow. Hi, you’re uh-..”

 

“Jongin. Can’t really expect you to remember my name when you’ve only met me for a grand total of about two minutes.” Despite the dulled warning bells in Tao’s already frazzled head he had to admit that Jongin had a nice smile. His teeth were almost blindingly white against his skin and his eyes crinkled kindly at the corners. He was shorter than Tao, as most people were, but he held himself with such a nice posture that the Chinese man couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious about the slight hunch of his shoulders.

 

“Right. I’m Zitao. Well, Tao, most of the people I’ve met in California have had a bit of difficulty pronouncing my name the right way. So just Tao is fine with me.” His lips quirked up into a small smile at the edges. Jongin was new, but Jongin wasn’t as intimidating as Baekhyun or as crass as Jongdae. Considering how he had fled the group house before even Tao did, perhaps he was even a little nervous himself.

 

Somehow with the straightness of his back and the calm look in his eyes Tao really doubted that, but he could hope.

 

“You’re a freshman, right? I mean, I guessed you’re new to Cali with the whole accent ‘n stuff, but you must be new to this area since you don’t know that waiting here is pointless. I mean, I’m a freshman too, but I live like, an hour from here, so I know the owner of this shop isn’t really that reliable. I bet Heechul’s back there right now asleep or helping someone with their homework in exchange for cheap labor.”

 

Choking down a laugh, Tao nodded in response to the question. The other was good at setting up a conversation. Tao could expand upon conversations well enough - it was just the whole getting to know people thing that scared him, being able to start conversations that would be interesting to them. Jongin spoke like Tao had already gotten to know him. He spoke like Donghae and Amber combined into one so Tao wasn’t actually all that afraid for once. Ever more so than Junmyeon, who was comforting but older than him, Jongin was familiar in everything but looks.

 

“Here, let me just..”

 

Tao spluttered when Jongin stepped behind the counter, pulling out a big chocolate muffin from behind the display case before pulling out his wallet and placing a few crisp bills near the register, out of plain sight.

 

“He won’t mind. It’s on me, let’s share this. Hope you like chocolate.”

 

Incredulously, Tao followed behind the other out the door only to have the other lead him back down the street towards the bend where the group house was.

 

The thought of Sehun still being there waiting for him had him reeling back, nails scratching against his palms lightly. Maybe he could sneak in real fast and avoid Sehun. But then Jongin would notice - he’d planned to try to make himself appear as normal as possible for the duration of college and yet here Sehun was knowing all his secrets.

 

Sehun could easily out him as having a panic disorder to all his new roommates and ruin their perceptions of him. Or tell them that he occasionally like his own instagram pictures. Or that one time he dyed his hair bright ing green just because he thought it would look cool with his green colored contacts.

 

He worried if they found out about his anxiety problem that they’d treat him like some fragile little doll. He didn’t need that - he’d gotten enough of that from his parents. He could handle himself for the most part. He knew his breathing exercises, Dr. Luo had helped him memorize them.

 

Maybe his new meds weren’t working quite as well for him as his old ones were, and perhaps now he had a bit more to worry about than he had in quite a while, but that didn’t mean that he needed everyone to be super careful around him.

 

Right now, he didn’t feel like he was ready to be seeing Sehun. He wasn’t should he ever would.

 

“Wait - uh- I wanted to walk around a bit more. Learn the surroundings, you know. I’ve been in Pasadena for the last six months. This is my first day in Beverly Hills that isn’t purely for looking at the campus.”

 

Jongin shrugged in response, seemingly non committal towards what they could be doing.

 

"I mean, Junmyeon kind of wanted to have some sort of a bonding thing between all of the new housemates in the dorm, and he seems like the type of guy who really cares about order and wouldn't like it if we didn't show up. Then again, he also seems like a total pushover. So I don't think it really matters. Also, Beverly Hills is pretty cool. We could go visit my parents house."

 

The taller man bit his lip, wondering which way he'd be getting in less of a rut.

 

If he didn't go, he wouldn't have to see Sehun. He would also be making a bad first impression on Junmyeon. If he went he'd have to deal with Sehun being there, but he'd be seeing Sehun eventually no matter what he did, he couldn't just sleep on the street or move out last minute.

 

He had to do it now. He could deal with it.

 

He had to deal with it.

 

Nobody was here to guide him through it but he knew that came with moving to California. He couldn't depend on Eunhyuk and Donghae forever, they were straight out of college themselves and it was a small apartment to try to fit three grown men. They’d managed, but the tight living space of the spare room had been suffocating Tao since he had moved in and he didn't think he could handle going back.

 

“Alright.”

 

Might as well get it over with.

 

He let Jongin lead him back, the tanner man handing him pieces of the muffin as they went, Tao gnawing on them nervously as they walked. Sehun was a menace. Ok, no, Sehun wasn't all that bad.

 

Tao was the bad one here.

 

Sehun wasn't the one who had run away without leaving as much as a note. That was all Tao.

 

They arrived back at the dorm right as Jongin finished off the muffin, wiping crumbs off his lips as he opened the door. Holding his breath, Tao walked behind him, mourning the fact he was so tall and he couldn't hide behind the other. Why was everyone so ing short?

 

Junmyeon was on the couch with Baekhyun splayed across his lap, eyes still glued to his phone. Tao was starting to think he might have a little bit of an addiction and he'd only known the other for like ten minutes.

 

Someone he didn't recognize was next to them on the arm of the couch, giant compared to them. His smile almost cracked his face in half and Zitao would've thought it was charming if not for the way his eye was sort of kind of twitching. He talked animatedly while also trying to get some cut of beef out of a package, worrying Tao a little with how carelessly he handled the scissors he was using to help him in his attempt.

 

Jongdae was at the kitchen table with someone who looked like he had just woken up and a man that looked vaguely like a cat, the both of them attempting to peel potatoes together with minimal success. Jongdae was laughing at their valiant attempts, though he obviously wasn’t doing that much better with his bunch completely untouched potatoes in front of him.

 

Sehun was sitting on the floor with a pot in between his crossed legs, cutting carrots. He had rainbow hair now. That was certainly something.

 

Rainbow hair aside, Zitao mentally pictured himself as the carrots and blanched.

 

“So, We’re only missing one now.” Jongin’s words attracted everyone’s eyes to the pair. Zitao dutifully ignored Sehun’s blatant stare and second quiet mutter of ‘holy ’, instead walking over to Junmyeon.

 

“Uhm- what can I do to help cook?”

 

“Assuming we're actually cooking and not just having a fun time trying to cut vegetables? Some of these people are too stubborn to even eat vegetables, nevermind cut them. Did you know Jongdae is vegetarian?" Zitao could hear a whine come from the giant on the armrest who looked sadly at Junmyeon with the meat now almost fully opened.

 

"Anyways, there’s actually not really anything to help with right now. We’re doing pretty good despite minor injuries and trying to figure out how to turn the stove on. This is 2015, gas stoves shouldn’t even exist anymore. So, yeah. But since you’re here now, only… Do is missing? Yeah, that’s it. He should be here in a minute, he’s always late to things. He’s a junior psych major, by the way. Sorry if you feel awkward amongst so many upperclassmen. We were the original ones renting this house, we just decided it would be cheaper to cut the rent between more people.”

 

Junmyeon didn't seem like the type of man who needed to cut rent with other people. He had brought basically the entirety of the living room in his moving truck and the TV he’d dragged in looked like one of the touch screen ones he'd seen on Youtube so he didn't really understand. Then again, Junmyeon seemed kind of like a father amongst the other juniors from the short interactions he had seen so maybe he was just looking out for their wallets instead of his.

 

“No, no, it’s fine. There’s other freshman. Jongin’s pretty cool.” Jongin, according to the shoes he was wearing, liked neon colors. And platforms. So yeah, Jongin was cool.

 

He could hear Jongin laughing in the background as he took a spot next to Jongdae, wondering just how he had managed to get along with the other junior so quickly. Jongdae was sort of terrifying.

 

“There’s another freshman! He’s the one cutting carrots on the floor, you should try to talk to-”

 

The sound of the door opening once more had Junmyeon’s face lighting up in front of him, Zitao turning around so he could see just who had entered, happy for the excuse to not have to listen to Junmyeon talk about Sehun.

 

He figured he might just be amazing at drawing people to him who lived in this house. He’d seen both Junmyeon and Jongin outside the dorm, and of all the people in the world to show up at the doorstep, Oh Sehun did.

 

So honestly, it shouldn’t have been surprising to him when Do Kyungsoo walked through the door, almost instant recognition lighting up his owl eyes at the sight of Tao.

“Oh! Hey, are you alright now?”

Tao wondered what the quickest method of moving out of a house was.

 

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author - thank you so much for reading!! i'm glad i could rewrite this to be better, as i felt it was awfully rushed the first time around, and now i feel like i can properly move into the next chapters (which have been startes roughly!!) without any regrets.

a big thank you to my new wonderful beta mira (aka prettylittlepuckbunny on tumblr), who did a really good job ensuring that my writing was the best it could be!!

i hope you enjoy, please comment!