Life is useless, worthless and what exactly is the purpose of living?

Standing on the edge of the bridge felt cold and evoke the feeling or horror, the space between the bridge and the river looked ginormous high. Steel of the bridge was held tightly with delicate and graceful fingers, not really daring to let go yet. Body tensed but shaking and trembling with all fear.

It’ll be over quickly.

Tears were rolling down chubby cheeks as the boy shut his eyes - squeezed them shut- and took a deep breath, even though he knew it wouldn’t help to calm down at all. It’ll be over quickly, he reminded himself.But what if not? No- ..no one can survive that. He shifted a little, opening his eyes again and every surrounding was blended out. The sounds of cars were not noticed anymore and if they were noticing him, he only got a honk but no one would stop and get out of the car. Nobody cared.

He took a step forward, feeling lightheaded and dizzy, squeezed his eyes shut again and took a deep breath, holding it as he let go of the steel – but he didn’t fell. He opened his eyes, staring into the cold night and felt something, someone, grab his wrist, holding him tightly and pulling him back.

“Yah, are you out of your mind?!” a rather sweet voice was scolding him and he swallowed, not daring to look back at the person. He was pulled back and even lifted, almost swiftly but with a little struggle, over the parapet back onto the bridge. The stranger watched the boy shivering, trembling and sobbing, trying to wipe the tears but it seemed like they wouldn’t stop. He was anxious and the stranger just sighed, pulling the blonde into a hug and caressing his hair. He tried to shush him and told him that it’s all okay now while the other tightly took hold of his shirt. “Luckily I was here…” he murmured into the others hair.

The blonde boy pulled back in an attempt to speak, sobbing and sniffing in between. “W-Who are you? My guardian angel?” His voice cracked and he looked down, earning a laugh from the taller one. “Who knows?” He gave him a genuine smile and took his hand. “Let’s take you somewhere where it’s warm.” He walked ahead but the blonde one didn’t move. The stranger looked back at him and blinked, confused for a moment before getting why he wasn’t moving. “Yah, I just saved your life…you can trust me…” The boy looked up at him and nodded quietly, biting his lip before following him until they got into his car. He took him to a café downtown where the people knew him already because he went there more often.

“I’m Lee Gikwang, by the way.” , the stranger introduced himself after ordering some coffee for both of them and flashed a bright smile. “Yang- …Yang Yoseob…” the blonde responded.

After a while, Yoseob opened up a little, thinking Gikwang was very charming and noticing that he tried to hold the conversation, wording everything properly so they’d never came to any topic that would contain why Yoseob wanted to jump off the bridge.

Gikwang finished his coffee and payed, standing up. “Let’s get you home now…” he said and Yoseob remained silent. He glanced away and murmured “I have no home…” Gikwang mentally hit himself. Of course sometime he’d hit a topic that’d make Yoseob sad. “Uhm….then you’ll stay with me for a while.” He grinned. Yoseob looked up at him, curious and suspiciously. Why would he do that? Why was he so nice?

But he hadn’t left anything anyways, he wouldn’t lose anything either, so…why not? He nodded and stood up. “Thanks…” he smiled faintly for the first time of the night and went with him.

__________________________________

A few months later Yoseob was still living with Gikwang, who didn’t bother about that. It was nice having someone around and he took care of Yoseob. He felt like he needed to do that and like Yoseob needed someone to be there for him, so he took over the role. He never asked Yoseob why he wanted to kill himself, he never asked for a reason but he knew it still took over Yoseobs mind and that he wasn’t saved yet.

Yoseob was cute. He always tried his best to make Gikwang happy, he was thankful that his Gikwang was always there for him so he tried to help out as much as he could. He wanted to help with the money and tried to find a job, unfortunately he failed several times until Gikwang finally got him a job at the café they first went and still went to. He was perfect. Perfect for Yoseob at least because he could do anything and everything always worked out for him. Yoseob wanted to give him everything he was able to give and more.   

Every day in the Noon when Gikwang came home the food was set on the table. He thought Yoseob didn’t need to do that, but he was grateful since before Yoseob came he didn’t really take care of eating properly after work. He was just too tired to do anything and always went directly to sleep.

But sometimes Yoseob couldn’t calm down. He was scared and afraid, sometimes he even hyperventilated, whining that he couldn’t breathe which even made Gikwang feel helpless and scared. He made Yoseob sit up and trying to breathe in and out in a calm and steady pace, rubbing his back soothingly before pulling him into a hug again.

Yoseob was crying, burying his face into the crook of Gikwangs neck and tried to calm down, also trying to stop the sobs. Gikwang lied down, pulling Yoseob next to him and held him close. Yoseob sniffed, fumbling with the shirt of Gikwang and looked up to him. “You-… you are always there for me…why?” he whispered the last word and furrowed his eyebrows slightly, Gikwang chuckled and pressed his lips to Yoseobs forehead. “Remember? I’m your guardian angel…” He broke out in a bright grin and poked Yoseobs side, tickling him and making him laugh. “Right…” Yoseob leaned up and pressed his lips to Gikwangs, running his hand over his side and closed his eyes.

But he was still wondering why Gikwang chose him, he knew he could do better and have someone better, someone who wouldn’t bring trouble to his psyche. He kind of started to feel bad, he felt selfish and he felt like he brought more trouble than happiness to Gikwang. He didn’t like that and maybe he was just exaggerating again, maybe he thought too much about it and maybe it was totally different, but his pessimistic side always won over the optimistic one.  But then again he wanted to be selfish, he wanted to have Gikwang to himself, because Gikwang was the only one who made him happy and cared for him. He was the only one left and he’d never want to let him go anymore.

But he was curious. Yoseob was curious why Gikwang wanted him and why he rescued him months ago from killing himself and jumping into his cold, cold misery.

When Gikwang came home, Yoseob greeted him brightly – only Gikwang knew this side of Yoseob – and jumped onto him, kissing him like he hadn’t seen him in weeks. As Gikwang pulled back from the passionate kiss they shared, he eyed his lover suspiciously. “Yah, what do you want?” he chuckled and dropped his bag to the floor as he nibbled on Yoseobs lower lip. “Just…” His lover pulled back, tracing a finger over Gikwangs neck and down to his chest before poking it “..you.”

Gikwang blinked. Did this mean that Yoseob was finally ready? There were several times where Gikwang was ready to share this one intimate moment with Yoseob, to pleasure him and just to make sweet, sweet love to him, but every time they were that far Yoseob pulled back and refused. It was frustrating for Gikwang, especially for little Kwang, but he respected that and he would have waited as long as Yoseob made him to, but this time he seemed ready.

Yoseob just didn’t felt worth of living, he still felt useless and thought he didn’t deserve Gikwang to be there for him and that he might just be a bother.

Often when Gikwang came home and he noticed that there was no food prepared he found Yoseob curled up on the bed, crying and sobbing into the pillow.

One time Yoseob got sick and Gikwang made him go to the doctors to get medication. Yoseob had to stay at home while he was sick and the medicine was making him feel drowsier and even weaker than he already was.

Yoseobs fever made him feel tired, he wanted to get rid of it and sat up, looking around and blinking sleepily. He ran a hand through is hair as he spotted the medication. He swallowed, thinking for a moment before taking the pills out and took one after another, swallowing half of the package down.

The doctors took care of Yoseob and tried their best. His stomach was being pumped and he had to stay at the hospital for a while. He actually made it – again. And as long as Yoseob was lying there, Gikwang didn’t leave his side, he bit his lip. He felt responsible for what happened and he mentally scolded himself for letting that even happen.

Minutes that felt like hours passed, and hours that felt like days. After a long, long while Gikwang heard Yoseob groan quietly and he stood up. The blonde boy opened his eyes, blinking tiredly and he felt like truck hit his head. He swallowed and saw Gikwang standing next to him. “Gi-“ he stopped as he noticed Gikwang trembling and crying. “You Idiot!” Gikwang threw at his head. “What were you thinking?!” He whimpered quietly, feeling embarrassed at that and wiped his tears away. “Stop it!! Please finally stop it… Stop trying to kill yourself, you ing fool…!!” Yoseob widened his eyes in shock and glanced away, tearing up as he didn’t bear seeing Gikwang crying.

“You know-…you know I can’t live without you.” His voice cracked and he threw a hand over his mouth, trying to hold back a sob.

Yoseobs eyes glistened and tears were falling down his cheeks. He never wanted to see Gikwang like this, he always wanted him to be happy and not to shed one single tear because of Yoseob.

Gikwang sighed and leaned down to press his lips to Yoseob, whispering over his lips “Don’t scare me like that again, Seobie…”.

Gikwang chuckled. “Fine, fine..” He wrapped his arms around Yoseobs waist and pulled him close again. “I was like you a few years ago. I thought…life had no meaning, and I felt useless among all the other people I saw. I stood on the same bridge as you, I was ready to jump… but I was being saved. And later I realized, there can be more in life, sure there are depressing days and moments in life… but if you keep going, everything will turn out well eventually.” He murmured, running his hand slowly up and down Yoseobs arm. “And when I saw you there… I wanted to help. I wanted to show you that suicide should not be a solution, I wanted you to realize what I realized after my attempt…even though I know it might take some time…but… I want to make you happy.”

Yoseob smiled and pulled back to look down at Gikwang. “You’re wonderful and perfect. Thank you… thank you for saving me. Because of you I know it’s worth living and wait for all the moments I’ll be able to share with you…”

Gikwang smiled, pleased with Yoseobs words and leaned in to press his lips softly to his lovers rosy ones.