I thought I was taped.

I thought I was better.

I thought after admitting to myself that they aren't real it would help me cope better.

I thought alot of things, trusted alot of people I really shouldn't have.

But now I know better.

My tape has been torn off.

It's been ripped off leaving me to bleed out from my wrists all over the bathroom floor, alone...like before.

I've been trying to find a new way of coping.

Option 1: Home Schooling

School is an extremely stressful place for me, not to mention my old tape is there, It's presence haunting me, mocking me without a care in the world.

Option 2: Something I promised never to do again

I have to admit I felt better after.

But then the guilt hit.

All I could think is what would she think, I promised her.

But then I remember 'Oh yeah she doesn't care anymore so I can do what I want now.'

And then the guilt drains down the bathroom sink in a red scarlet color.

Those where my only options.

 The only ones I could think of anyway.

Until I had a kind of Aha moment.

It was a day ago April 9, 2015 I was in my 3rd period class, Science.

It's also the same class that she is in.

We where getting ready for this project we are doing when I heard her talking to one of the boys at the other end of the table.

I was trying to block them out until I heard my name.

She was talking about me again.

This was the cause of everything before, my cousin told me that she's been talking about me to Red, a girl I use to be friends with but we stopped because I didn't like her boyfriend so she didn't want me talking to her anymore.

Hey, doesn't hurt me none that's her problem.

But you see Red doesn't like to talk about people so when she started to say things about me Red went to my cousin and told her everything.

But you see when she found out I knew what she was doing she immeditaly denied evrything.

But she slipped up, I've actually heard her say things about me like right there in Science class.

She keeps going on and on about how I messed up their project because I accidently splattered paint on it.

No one else cared because I fixed it.

But she didn't care.

I almost out.

6 months, that's how long it's been since I've had a blackout.

I could feel the pain building up in the back of my head as I listened more and more to her hateful words.

I knew if I stayed there for a second longer I would have lost it, and no one would have been able to get me off of her.

Quickly telling the teacher I needed a moment I rushed out of the room down the hall and straight into the girl's bathroom.

I was trying to hold it back but the more I did the more it hurt.

I was crying because of the sharp pain in the back of my head, I was slowly fading in and out, my vision darkening then flicking back on.

I was almost gone when I heared a voice in my ear and felt a hand on my shoulder.

Snapping out of it I looked into the mirror in front of me to see Kat one of my best friends.

"Are you okay Secret?" she asked me with worried eyes. 

I could tell she was nervous, she doesn't know how to comfort people she's not very good at it but she tries her best.

And this Ladies and Gentleman is when I had my Aha moment.

New tape.

What I needed was new tape.

Lee Inyoung and Kwang Kat my two best friends the ones who have done nothing to me.

The two who I have never doubted trust and loyalty wise, they care for me and try to do as much as they can to help me even though they don't know everyting about my problems.

One day when I think they're ready I will tell them because I know for a fact that I will not be letting this tape go.

I will try my best to open up and share my happiness and heart aches with them like they have with me.

This I swear.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" I told her wiping away the tears on my face.

"Okay do you want me to go get Inyoung?"

"No it's fine" I the sink to wash off the dried paint on my hands from the project earlier.

After I dried my hands we walked back to the classroom, Inyoung and my cousin immeditaly ran over to make sure I was okay.

April 9, 2015 was the day I found my new tape.

And this time I've been double taped, making it more permanent.