October 2014

 

Monday.

 

The day starts of normally. His alarm goes off, he pushes the snooze button for five, maybe ten minutes of additional sleep. Everything's the same. Nothing has changed, he reminds himself.

 

He gets out of bed, his head throbbing from all of the booze he was too weak to refuse the night before. He drags his feet across the floor, his mind filled with regret. Never again, he promised himself although he knows that come next weekend, he'll be drowning in shots of vodka and tequila once again.

 

It's Monday, he feels like , and he has to keep up with his hungover self to function as a normal adult. Nothing can be as normal as this.

 

He brushes his teeth, getting the sour and bitter taste out of his mouth. Then he downs a couple of aspirins to get him through the day.

 

“Good morning!” he calls out to his roommates. I hope they're feeling as ed up as I am, he wishes. He can't go through this alone. He wants everyone to be as miserable as he is.

 

“Are you okay, man?” someone taps him on the shoulder, asking as if there was something to be worried about.

 

“You mean, aside from this pain in my head that would probably cost me my life? Yeah, I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?” he heaves, feeling more of last night's punishment.

 

“I know. We might have had one too many last night... but you're sure? You okay?”

 

“Yeah, Minseok hyung. Definitely.” he smiles, assuring the person before him that everything's peachy.

 

“Oh Sehun... tell me if... no, never mind. If you say you're fine, then you are.” Minseok gives him another pat on the back before calling on the others to have breakfast.

 

He is fine, though. Nothing has changed. Everything's the same. Everything's status quo.

 

He's still the same. He eats breakfast, takes care of himself, gets scolded by the members when he does something wrong. He's a normal functioning adult. There's nothing wrong with him.

 

So why does it seem like something's missing?

 

He wants to be alone, but he doesn't understand why. It's just so damn hard to be alone when you're living with more or less ten other people. He wants to avoid questions, but he doesn't know exactly which ones he wants to be away from. For today, when he's feeling like and somehow less than normal, he wants to just curl up in bed and sleep.

 

If only he can sleep for a lifetime.

 

He runs to the toilets as he retches, but nothing comes out. Dry heaving just makes him feel worse. Mondays are the worst, he thinks. Screw it, I'm skipping work today.

 

A normal functioning person.

 

***

 

Mid-November 2014

 

The normalcy is getting boring for him. Every day he gets up and busies himself with work. If he's not working, he's going out with friends. All the same people around him. Sometimes he just wants to get up and leave.

 

He's pissed off most of the time, and usually without reason. Most of the time he's angry at himself just for feeling this way. He feels like all of this is his fault. He feels guilty, and he gets mad for feeling guilty.

 

“Hey, I'm going out for a quick jog,” he calls out to no one in particular. Perhaps a quick run around the block would clear his mind.

 

He had already finished a lap around their block when he felt someone tug on his earphones.

 

“Hey, pay attention when you're running. You might get into an accident or something,” a deep voice lectured him.

 

“Chanyeol hyung? Why are you here?” he quipped. Chanyeol usually avoids exercise this time of day, so it's a surprise he's actively hovering over Sehun right now.

 

“Just thought you might want some company,” he answered. “Now, stop being rude and turn your music off. Let's talk as we run, okay?”

 

He exasperatedly gives the guy a “yes” as he twists his earphones together and puts them in his pocket. He'd rather run alone, but he won't say no to Chanyeol, either.

 

He starts his second lap as the tall guy starts his first. Both of them remain silent, pacing themselves . They catch their breath on their next turn, Chanyeol hands Sehun a water bottle and breaks their silence.

 

“How are you feeling? You okay?” that question again. Nobody died, and neither is he suffering from a debilitating disease, so why do people keep asking him if he's fine?

 

“I'm ing fine,” he mutters.

 

“Obviously, you aren't,” Chanyeol says indignantly. He puts an arm around Sehun's shoulders, thinking it would make him feel better.

 

Utter bull.

 

But what's there to make better? Every day, his hyungs ask him if he's all right. Every day, he tells them he's fine. There's nothing to worry about. Every ing day he just wants them to leave him alone.

 

“Worry about yourself because as far as I'm concerned, I'm pretty much more ing okay compared to you,” Sehun pushes him away. “Leave me alone,” and he runs away feeling angry at himself again.

 

It's not his fault. He didn't do anything wrong. I was wrong.

 

I was wrong.

 

***

December 2014

 

Sehun wakes up from his deep slumber, his pillows stained with tears again. It's been three weeks since he last had a decent conversation with Chanyeol. He still feels guilty about it.

 

He feels guilty about everything, as if it were his fault.

 

If only I treated him better. If only I had done something to make him feel more welcome. If only I had been there for him. If only I had known.

 

His mind is full of regret. As if he could have done something to change it. As if he had a say in all of it. He knows he couldn't have done anything to change his mind, but he still regrets everything.

 

“It's not your fault, you know,” someone says as he feels a pillow hit the wall beside him. “Sehun, there's nothing we could have done.”

 

“Shut the hell up, Kim Jongin,” he mumbles into his pillow.

 

“Nothing's good is going to come out of you sulking, Sehun,” the man tries to convince him. “We're all going through this. You're not alone.”

 

“But I feel like I am. I feel like I should've done something before,” he whines.

 

“I also felt that way... but, Sehun, it's not going to change. Decisions have been made...”

 

He sits up and throws the pillow back at Jongin. He understands, but can't he be just left alone to wallow in his emotions?

 

“I don't understand how all of you seem to be okay with all of this. All of you are moving on, little by little... and it's what you said, all of us are going through this, aren't we?” he sobs.

 

“Yes... Sehun, we're here. We're all suffering... but don't you think it's about time to get up and live life as it was before?”

 

“So why does it seem like I'm the only one to blame? Why do I feel like it's all because of me? I could have talked to him... We've always been closer than anyone else here, save for him and Minseok hyung... No, even Minseok hyung couldn't have stopped him. Why do I feel like I could have, if only I did something?” he's half screaming, half crying now, unable to control his grief.

 

Someone comes up to him and takes his hand. Sehun tries to dodge at first, but this person pulls him into a forceful hug. It's not meant to hurt him – rather, the opposite. He was supposed to feel secure, but his mind rejects it.

 

“Sehun, it's not your fault, okay...” he whispers.

 

“Suho hyung...”

 

“It's not your fault,” he can hear faint sobs coming from him as well, “it's none of our faults...” their leader assures him.

 

Another person joins them asking “What's wrong?” but doesn't get any answers.

 

“Jongdae,” Suho calls out to him, sounding troubled, but he doesn't answer further.

 

He silently sits in front of Sehun and takes his hands. No words are said, but feelings linger.

 

It's all right, it's not your fault. You're going to be okay.

 

The words left unsaid are unconvincing.

 

You're going to get through this, the people around him seem to tell him.

 

But it is my fault, Sehun blames himself again, but he doesn't let anyone hear him.

 

***

 

Late January 2015

 

“I'm sorry...” the first word he utters this morning are filled with sorrow again.

 

“I'm sorry...” he repeats, unsure whether anyone hears him or not.

 

It's not your fault, Sehun. The words are there to make him feel better, but they just make him feel desperate.

 

“I'm sorry,” he says loudly this time, and someone does hear him. Someone has been listening since he woke up and stayed still in bed for an hour or so.

 

“There's nothing to be sorry about,” says Zitao. “You haven't done anything wrong.”

 

“I feel like I've abandoned everyone around me,” Sehun admits. It's been months and coping with the pain hasn't been an easy feat for him.

 

For months, he convinced himself that everything was fine, that it wasn't his fault, that he was going to get over this. His mind, however, has been telling him otherwise. He was to blame for all of this. He wasn't supposed to feel good. He was to suffer for a long time.

 

Today, he feels even worse. He can't help but feel that something's going to end again. Someone's going to leave him again. He's going to go through another cycle of pain without even getting out of this one.

 

“Don't leave me,” he pleads.

 

“We're here, Sehun. We're not going to leave you,” a calm voice reassures him.

 

“He said that, too... he said if only we would persevere, we would get through this... he said...”

 

“It still holds true... maybe he was the one to say it, but it's still true with what's left of us.”

 

“Yixing hyung... he said that...” he continues, but the words won't escape his lips anymore. He just looks at the people before him, looking for answers.

 

“Maybe they're just words...” Zitao offers.

 

“Don't listen to Zitao. They're what'll help us now. There's nothing to be worried about. No one's going to leave you. We're still here,” Yixing counters.

 

“I'm sorry...” he says again.

 

“Don't worry,” both Yixing and Zitao tell him.

 

He's still unsure about all of this. He feels like he's getting better, but once he does, he spirals into loneliness again. He would blame himself for being happy. He's not supposed to be happy. He should be alone. He should be morose.

 

But maybe that's not it. Perhaps it's not just about him. These past months have been hard on him, and he thought he was alone... but maybe...

 

Maybe he wasn't. He might have been the one making himself feel alone. Perhaps he felt guilty because he was the one who wanted to leave – not because he actually was, but he just felt like he needed to.

 

“I'm sorry I abandoned you,” he tells them.

 

At least for now, he could be serene. For now, he could feel this way.

 

“You're still here, aren't you?” Yixing answers.

 

***

March 2015

 

“We are ONE! We are EXO!”

 

The crowd screams. All these flashing lights. All these people surrounding him.

 

Sehun still doesn't feel complete, but he doesn't feel so alone anymore.

 

It took him months to finally get up on his feet and accept his fate. It wasn't his fault. He couldn't have done anything to prevent it.

 

The other members – his brothers – have always been there for him. It's still a blur to him. The first lawsuit, Yifan leaving, persevering through their first concert tour as eleven, working hard to feel that void.

 

Then, the next lawsuit came. This time was harder on him. He falsely believed that they would be able to get through it as eleven. He thought he didn't help enough. He was the youngest, so he couldn't have done anything.

 

It took him a while to realize that it wasn't just him who was going through all of it. There were ten of them who suffered, but he couldn't put it into his heart. In the end, he was the one who ended up hurting the people who were trying to help him.

 

With perseverance, they got through to him. “It isn't your fault,” they always say, and he ended up believing them.

 

Ultimately, it was still Luhan's decision.

 

It wasn't Sehun's fault.

 

He looks at Baekhyun, tears still streaming down the man's face.

 

“It's all right now,” the words come from his mouth. They feel unfamiliar coming from him, but they're the truth.

 

“Don't cry! Don't cry!” fans cheer around them.

 

With all these people supporting them through this ordeal, how could he have felt that he was alone? It's not something that will be drowned out by the cheers from their fans, nor ignored when they're too busy with their schedules.

 

It's something they have to live through, together.

 

“Thank you everyone! We love you!” he feels Kyungsoo squeeze his hand. He smiles at him, knowing that this is his next step towards another journey.

 

Everything's fine now.