I can feel a sob caught in my throat. My eyes sting, wanting to cry, but they can't seem to find any more water to pour down my cheeks. My cheeks are stained with the remnants of clear streams that ran down not too long ago. Maybe. I've lost track of time. Even my bed sheets are darkened with scattered puddles, impossible to tell the myriad of droplets that were used to form them.

I close my eyes. I feel a sting. Your face is there, clear as ever, but too distant to really be seen. You turn away from me, like you always do. Then you're gone. A flame bursts within my chest. Smoke fills up my lungs and I find it impossible to breathe. I curl myself up tightly and writhe, twisting this way and that, as if it would help ease the pain. My hands grasp my head as I flail. I try to erase the memory of you, but it's not working.

I gasp. Now my chest feels heavy, filled with led. No longer can I move. I lie still and take as many deep breaths as I possibly can.

Burning.

Drowning.

My pain works in a rhythm.

I see your face inside my mind and it burns my heart to ashes.

I hear your harsh words, soft like a whisper, but heavy enough to pull my heart under.

Burning.

Drowning.

Burning...

Drowning...

I can't take this any longer.

I open my eyes and stand to my feet. My vision blurs and my body sways. Black and white splotches take over my sight, different patterns shadowing you, hovering over your image.

I press forward until I hit a wall. I shut my eyes, but I still see those black and white spots. They've turned into shapes now.

Just a little longer I remind myself. I blink my eyes open. Now I see color. Seconds go by, but it feels like hours until I can see properly.

I continue my endeavor, one foot in front of the other, using the wall as a support. I reach the bathroom and open the cabinet under the sink. There lies a little black box. The one I've hidden away for years because of you. And now, I've reached for its comfort once again because of you.

I lift the lid slowly and the light bounces off of the clear shards of glass placed inside. I pick up my favorite one, the sharpest, and place it against my shoulder. I start, line by line. My shoulder begins to look like a paper handed back by a teacher, crimson red lines marking every mistake I've made. 

I drop the shard in the sink and open the medicine cabin. I grab the nearest bottle of pills. At this point, any will do. I unscrew the cap in a frenzy and toss the cap who knows where. The pills pile themselves into a small mountain in the palm of my hand. My heart is racing as I hold the pile so that they touch my lips. I can continue, I've already gone this far. My heart burns with a passion. A passion to see you writhe in pain just as I had. To feel the sensations of burning and drowning at the same time. What I want more than anything right now is for you to regret everything you've done to me.

But would you?

As the life flows out of me with the last breaths I take, will you regret every word you've said? Would you regret turning your back on me that day? Or have you ceased to care?

And then there's me. How should I feel to finally be rid of your image? Rid of your painful words and the anger I feel that sets my heart ablaze? Even in this moment, all I can think about is you.

I dump the pills back into the bottle and curse myself for being so weak.

The one thing that keeps me alive is the same thing that makes me want to die.

But you'll never know that.

And once again, the only one who loses

Is me.