The sun is up once again, but I can barely feel its heat. I really don’t want to move out of my bed right now. Ever since I had read JB’s text message last night, I have been overthinking on what matters would he discussed with me. I was happy that he found the note I slipped on his locker yesterday saying that we should hang out this weekend, but somehow there is coldness in his reply. I don’t know if it is just me overthinking. I really don’t know and I’m scared.

 

“I’ll go with you this weekend but I have to tell you something.”

 

I tried reaching him last night. I sent almost a hundred text messages but he didn’t even budge to reply on a single one. I tried calling him but his number was out of reach. That was the moment when I started to worry.

 

I dragged myself out of the bed and get myself ready. After almost an hour, my phone was ringing. It was him, calling.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Why didn’t you answer my messages last night, I can’t even reach your number. Where were you? I haven’t had a decent slee--”

 

“Just open the door. I am already here.”

 

I hung up and opened the door, “Why aren’t you answering my messages --”

 

He cut me off with a tight hug. I couldn’t help but give in. It is on times like this where I just surrender to him. I wouldn’t argue with his sweetness. I hate myself on being this easy.

 

“Have you had your breakfast? I prepared a sandwich, it’s on the table. Do you want some juice?”

 

“Orange.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“By the way, where would you bring me today?”

 

“I just want you to spend the day with me here let us watch a movie, or anything. I just want to catch up with you. These past few weeks we hadn’t been seeing each other because of our hectic schedules, but I am happy that you are here now.”

 

“I thought we’ll be going out.”

 

“Do you want to go out?”

 

“Anywhere is fine.”

 

After that conversation I’ve started to realize how much he had changed ever since the first time we started going out. All the sweetness faded. Back then he would always ask me to go out with him, he would invite me over to his house and then we’ll watch random movies, he’ll cook me a meal. We’d do the most random things. But now, everything seemed to be astray. Looking at him now, being only a few inch apart, he seemed to be very distant.

 

This is the worst feeling, missing someone though he’s just inches away from you.

 

“I miss the old you.”

 

I push that thought behind as I offer him the sandwich the orange juice I was holding. I sat beside him and tried starting a conversation on how his week went. As expected I cannot get his whole attention.

 

We watched a movie from my laptop, but he seemed to be watching it half-heartedly. I told him stories of how my week went and all I got as a response was nods and ‘yeas’.

 

“You know this ,” I finally blurted out.

 

“What?”

 

“Come one, let’s take a walk outside.”

 

I held his hand and pulled him up for a walk. I have no better ideas in mind but I just don’t like the way we are drowning with the silence inside the house. On the way out, I kept talking and talking, not minding if I am losing my sense. I just want him to speak up, one way or another. I just don’t like this feeling.

 

We walked pass a convenience store and I asked him if he wanted some ice cream. He just nodded. So I bought two ice cream cones for us two.

 

I noticed that he never let go of his phone. He seemed to be busy talking to someone, that’s why he can’t just put it on his pocket. He kept on glancing at it from time to time and it bothers me. It irritates me because it was as if I am sharing his attention with someone. It makes me feel bad. So I asked him.

 

“Why can’t you just put your phone in your pocket. I noticed that you kept on glancing and going over your phone since the moment you entered my house, up until now. Are you waiting for an important call or something? You could have at least told me. You know it’s bothering --”

 

“It’s none of your business.”

 

“Hey! You know, this is getting way out of hand. What do you mean it is not my business? You are my boyfriend and I should know!”

 

“Just stop.”

 

“Why?!?”

 

“Let us stop it here?”

 

“What? What would we stop here? Why would we stop here? Why can’t you give me an answer? I am just asking if you could keep that phone down because it’s bothering me.”

 

“You’ve been so demanding lately.”

 

“It is because you’ve been pretty distant lately.”

 

“…”

 

He paused and let out a big sigh. He held me in both of my arms, his cold bare hands I can feel. He turned his gaze at me, fixed.

 

“I just want know if you are doing fine, if you are okay. Nothing more, nothing less. Is that so bad?” My eyes are starting to bead up tears. I am getting nervous. I don’t like where this is going.

 

“Listen to me okay?”

 

“Jaebum-hyung, is this what you are about to say to me, the one that you said on you text?”

 

“Yes, so please just listen.”

 

I just want to shut the whole world now. I don’t know if this is the right time for him to tell those words he wanted to tell me. And somehow, I’ve got an idea where this is going. I am searching where the pause button is but I can’t seem to find it. I am panicking, deep inside is worse. My thoughts are already scattered and I am in pandemonium. I don’t know why I am caught up in such detriment. Have I done anything wrong? If anything, all I did was keep us together.

 

“I know you can feel it…”

 

“Feel what? What am I supposed to feel? Yes you have been a little weird lately, but that doesn’t change anything. I don’t like where this is going.”

 

“And so do I.”

 

“What do you mean? What do you mean ‘and so do I’?”

 

“Yugyeommie.”

 

“No, I don’t want to hear you speak anymore. Let’s stop it here. I know you are still stress. Let us go over this again maybe tomorrow or the other day, not now. I just can’t --”

 

“Let’s break up.”

 

He said it.

 

Three words to end my happiness and he said it.

 

I don’t know where to start. What should I say? How am I going to react? I am panicking again. This isn’t good. Why did it end up like this? It was just a few hours ago we were watching on our living room, a few minutes ago we are eating ice creams. What the hell?

 

“I’m sorry if I haven’t told you these sooner but this isn’t working for me as much it is for you. You’ve changed and I can’t fit with you anymore. I’m sorry I got to go.”

 

Then he let go of his hand on my arms, as if easily letting go of the memories we’ve once shared. Then he turned his back, and my whole world with him started to crumble. Then he paced forward leaving me behind, and I’m alone again, alone, in the middle of the streets, crying.

 

“You are the one who have changed!”

 

He didn’t stop walking. I run, pathetically, to catch up with his pace. I grabbed his back, still panting, eyes still crying.

 

“I want you to tell me, straight in my face, the answer to my questions. I don’t want to experience more sleepless nights thinking about the answers to the queries that make me stay awake. I want you to answer me truthfully, minding everything that we have done together, minding all the moments I’ve shared with you. Now tell me, did you really love me?”

 

I didn’t know how those words came out, I was already panting and I can hardly breathe. I am trying to get a hold of myself but I am slowly losing it all. I crying and it just won’t stop. I was looking at him but he was just staring blankly at me, not moving an inch. I looked so pathetic, I sound so pathetic and I feel so pathetic.

 

“Answer me!”

 

He started to move closer but still I wasn’t expecting. I looked into his lips, anticipating the words that I wanted to hear. But as everything failed, it was the words I didn’t want him to say.

 

“No.”

 

Simple.

 

Plain.

 

Painful.

 

His gazed was now fixed on the floor, avoiding my tear-soaked eyes. I can feel his guilt but I don’t need sympathy. I was enraged. I was mad. I was angry and it was not good. I am having a surge of all negative emotions all at once, and even I can’t comprehend what is happening. I wanted to shout, but I lost my voice. I wanted to hit him but I was already tired. I was so tired my limbs were already shaky. I just curled down, sat on the cold bare ground and continue sobbing.

 

“I hate him.”

 

I curse silently. Though the words mean I really do love him. Now I don’t even know where to start. I can’t even stand up with all these people staring at me. This is embarrassing. I am embarrassing. Have I done something wrong? He should have just told me so that I wouldn’t dare do it again. Have I said something that hurt him? He should have said so that I could say my sincere apology and get back to him. But all I got is an ‘I’m sorry’. And all I am left are memories. Memories that would make me hurt even more. I don’t want to think that there had been another party; it would just hurt even more. Am I not good enough? Thoughts like that would only make me want to feel more remorseful over our relationship.

 

I cried my heart out, in the middle of a busy street, not minding the people passing by.

 

I cried my heart out, pathetically and desperately, hoping that after this the pain will melt away.

 

I cried my heart out, consciously or unconsciously, wanting for him to come back.

 

“Hey!”

 

Who the hell…

 

I brush off the tears from my eyes and propped myself up. My vision is still a blur but there is a man with a familiar voice standing in front of me, face full of concern. I took me a minute longer to realize it was my old friend. Thank goodness it was him. It was just a perfect coincidence that he came and noticed me.

 

“Mark-hyung!”

 

With the sudden relief, I hugged him very tight. You don’t know how thankful I am that it is you who saw me right now.

 

“What’s wrong Yugyeommie, want to talk about it?”

 

“Please.