I cannot believe your gone.

The sunset.

Everything I told you.

Everything.

I mean it all.

I really want your suffering to be worth it.

I really want you to experience the happiness with me.

And also, my happiness with you.

 

But all you did was left me all alone.

Everyday, I wanna feel the smooth touches of you.

The morning kisses and take care hugs, I want them all.

But ofcourse, it should be from you.

 

--

 

The day you left me.

You know what happened?

I stood there.

Walking towards the ocean.

I feel that I want to drown myself.

And follow you wherever you are.

 

I want us to go to a place where no worries.

A place where no liters of tears would come out.

A place that hurt is forbidden.

A place where sickness is nothing but just a word.

 

And a place that has only me and you.

And the two of us filling that place with love, our love.

 

I hate to realize that Siwon just dragged me and punch me.

But thanks to it. It bring me back to earth.

I realized I should stay strong.

 

But how could I ?

Knowing that we'll never meet again was torturing me.

The pain inside was too much.

And I think I couldn't bear it.

 

--

 

It's almost a month.

My eyes were already dried.

No more tears are coming out.

I guess I can now move on.

But it's too impossible.

 

--

 

The old me was gone.

I moved out of the house.

 

Because every corner of it, I saw you.

Every sound inside it, I can hear your giggles.

 

Everytime I came inside your room, all I can see is the scene that I told you that I'll never be yours.

But look at me now, so miserable without you.

I guess this is what they called karma.

 

--

 

Here I go.

All alone.

In this house, I am imagining you sitting beside me.

Laughing with me.

All I want to do is to make you feel how much I love you.

 

I guess the guilt of hurting you in the past was gone.

All inside my heart was grief and love.

 

Grief of losing you and love I have for you.

 

Crying?

I told you.

No tears were coming out.

It's like the faucet of tears inside me already in drought season.

My heart was as colder as yours.

Maybe more.

The barriers inside was getting too thick that even no one can break it.

 

No smile.

No laugh.

It's just all emotionless Donghae.

The toddler fishy they know was gone.

 

I was just now a shark.

Everyone who bothers my dark place can be killed in an instant.

No one dares to visit me because I'm as violent as a madman.

 

One time when Siwon and Eunhyuk visited, I throwed them the vase.

Leaving Siwon a long, deep scratch on his pretty face.

They told me that they will give me sometime to move on.

 

Stupid.

Moving on? Wasn't part of my plan.

I just want to stay here.

Where no one can bother me.

No one will confront me.

No one will remind me of her.

 

Until one day, this thing they call razor attracted me.

I pushed it on my wrist.

And damn, it feels so good.

The blood oozing was making me easier to breathe.

 

 

This exhausted heart of mine was almost reaching its limit.

What can be probably the use of my heart anyways?

Jessica is gone.

I want nothing but her.

I wish to Santa Claus if she can be my gift this christmas.

But sorry, does even Santa Claus exist?

 

I am certified hopeless.

Bottles of beers are everywhere.

And who do you think will drink it?

Soohae?

It's just the pink big bear that Jessica gave me years ago.

Of course it's me.

 

 

The miserable Lee Donghae.

The guy who'll never be happy again.

 

--

 

Jessica.

4 months just passed.

 

But it seems like forever.

Why is this is so hard?

Why is it?

I dont know what to do.

Maybe writing my thoughts will be good?

 

As I searched for paper and pen, I saw Jessica's picture.

Her sweet and adorable smile.

Her eyes that transforms into moonshape if she's super happy.

Those giggles that sounds like a baby.

Here I go again.

Bearing the pain, all over.

It's like I'm from the start of a race.

The race of misery.

 

 

--

 

"Lee Donghae, a 26-year old man found dead on his apartment"

"Lee Donghae's suicide story touch people's heart"

"A suicider with a touching story!"

 

 

--

 

The town's talk was Lee Donghae and his suicide note.

Where he summarized all the things that he endured after Jessica's death.

The late love that bloom when she left.

The liter of tears that made his eyes dry and never dropped any tear again.

 

Newspapers, internet, magazines and even some books, you can find his suicide letter.

His friends doesn't have the courage to read it.

But the boys had.

The day when Taeyeon decided to read it, her eyes were blurry.

In her hands was Donghae's exact letter.

The tears started to fall as she read.

 

 

"I loved.

I was hurted.

Aren't that love's cycle?

To love and to hurt?

But wasn't it too abnormal for me just to experience hurt.

I know Jessica suffered so much but how about me?

My heart that was broke into thousands of pieces was definitely cant be fixed again.

I lost weight.

All I do was drink.

I lose hope.

All I do was to stare at the ceiling.

Wishing she'll appear there.

But there goes nothing.

As I was finding a paper and a pen,

I saw Jessica's picture.

But no tears were coming out.

My heart was completely a stone.

Dying, that is the only solution, right?

But I am thinking of my friends.

Can they survive without me?

How about their endless cries?

I saw their griefs when Jessica died.

Will it happen again if I commit suicide ?

But I guess God was really unfair.

Look at my hyungs and dongsaengs, they are complete.

With the girl they love.

They comfort them when the girls cry.

And when the boys are sad, the girls make them happy.

I want to experience it too.

Maybe in heaven?

With Sica?

Oh God I wish I was there with her.

I know killing your ownself is a big sin.

But I cant help it.

My heart was for nothing.

My life was uselss.

It's like beautiful flower that withered.

My once happy life was now forever gone.

I know turning back is too impossible.

So my only way is to follow you, my dear Jessica.

I just want others to know.

Jessica Jung Sooyeon.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY LIFE.

I AM SORRY FOR HURTING YOU.

BUT WE ARE NOW FAIR. LOOK HOW MISERABLE I AM ??

I LOVE YOU JESSICA.

I LOVE YOU."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sooooooooooooo sorry it it is not good T_T

Pls comment!