Zhou Mi loves Henry.  If he’s certain of anything, it’s that. 

He loves Henry joyously, like he loves finding a pair of pants that are long enough for his legs without being eight thousand sizes too big in the waist.  He loves Henry earnestly, like he loves cats and dogs and anything small and fluffy.  He loves Henry with his whole heart, like he loves the joy he hears in his mother’s voice every time he calls home.  He loves Henry secretly, like he loves any food that is deep-fried and fattening and oh-so-bad for him, getting some whenever he can.  He loves Henry’s gestures, his small kindnesses, the way his nose crinkles when he laughs, the way he looks way too happy when he eats, the way he always tries to make Zhou Mi feel included, the way he always has something to tell him about, the way…

“Miiiiiiiii!  Come on!”

One thing he does not love, however, is trying to write a song with Henry. 

“We’re aiming for a hopeful mood with the song!  Hopeful!  Playful!  The lyrics should reflect that more!”  Henry smiles at him enthusiastically. 

Zhou Mi stares down at an almost unreadable sheet of lyrics.  His lyrics.  They’re so covered in red pen that he can hardly make out his original black markings beneath them. 

Hopeful.  Wow.  If there’s anything he’d been when the decision had passed to work on some of Super Junior-M’s upcoming songs for Break Down, with Henry no less, the word to describe his attitude would have been hopeful.  Now, staring at his heartfelt feelings in ink format beneath him while Henry continues to be completely oblivious, he feels a little more along the lines of hopeless.

Oblivious.  Now, if he had to choose a word for Henry (beyond the thousands of words of admiration he’d choose beforehand), it would be oblivious.  He’s been subtly trying to win Henry over for what feels like an entire dynasty.  He’s done almost everything he can think of, and Henry just doesn’t get it.  Henry’s always telling him that he’s so very grateful for all the little things he does for him: the coffees, the surprise gifts of his favorite foods, the late night talks, the company when he needs it, the silence when he doesn’t.  Zhou Mi has always wondered how he can’t see it.  Sure, he’s nice to all the other members, but who would tolerate being woken up at four in the morning to hear a “sudden miracle violin inspiration” and actually genuinely be interested if they weren’t head over heels for the other person? 

One might think the sensible thing to do would be to simply confess.  Just catch him alone and say “Henry, I’ve liked you for five whole years and been in love with you for most of them, won’t you please accept my feelings?” which doesn’t really leave any room for misinterpretation, and then they can both get on with their lives, preferably together.  However, there’s that more than possible chance that they don’t end up together after such a confession, and Henry hates him and things are awkward and horrible and they cause the group to break up.  That fear is behind every single thing Zhou Mi does.  That fear makes him have to be subtle.  He wants Henry to come to the conclusion that his dear friend is madly in love with him on his own, so he can decide with as little pressure as possible what outcome he wants, and they can drift away from each other slowly when Henry decides with little self-reflection that he definitely has no feelings for his best friend, who inconveniently happens to be male. 

Which is why Zhou Mi is stuck with a bubbly Henry and a handwritten sheet of lyrics for “Go” in a recording studio when he’d rather be somewhere else.   Like experimenting with the effects of battery acid on his digestive tract.  Or discovering how long it takes to get hit by a car while lying in the middle of a highway.  Or learning first hand exactly how long it takes piranhas to strip flesh from the bone.  Or…

“Mi!  Are you even listening?  Come on, sing that line to me again!”  Henry laughs at him.

That line?  Which line exactly is “that line”?  Ah yes…

“As my heartbeat races, how should I say hi?  Yeah, I’m so nervous, I can’t speak…” He half sings, half mumbles in the general direction of Henry’s amused face. 

“Can’t speak!  Sounds like you today, Mi Ge!  Seriously, be louder, it’s supposed to be a fun song!”  Henry grins.  He points to lower on sheet Zhou Mi’s clutching.   “Sing this one again!”

He feels braver this time.  “Hey grhrhh, I can’t even fight back, you have my heart going…” He purposefully stumbles over the word ‘girl’, staring Henry in the eyes.

“‘Girl’, the world you’re looking for is ‘girl’!”  Henry laughs in response. 

It takes every ounce of willpower Zhou Mi has to not roll his eyes and groan. 

“This one too, let’s hear it!”  He points again.      

Oh no.  Not that one.  “Hey, I’m afraid I’ve guessed wrong, and that you don’t like me, I want to ask you out but I’m afraid you’ll hate me…”  Seriously, does any of this sound meaningful to Henry?  At all?

“Ah, actually, I like that line as it is!  Let’s move on!”  Another laugh.  Nope, apparently not.

They continue on like this for another two hours until Henry is somewhat satisfied with his work, and then Henry’s got a recording session to go to.  They walk to the doors of the studio and Henry gives him a huge goodbye hug and he’s left standing alone, holding the lyrics he penned for Henry in slightly shaking hands.

As Zhou Mi sits on his bed and looks around the room he shares with Henry, he decides he might have a little bit of a masochistic streak.  Why else would someone share a room with someone they’d been pining over forever?  Why would anyone want to feel the torture that is watching the love of your life sleep peacefully, while knowing you can never join them in their bed? 

Well, it is great song writing material.  Nothing like being unable to sleep every night because of the horrible heart-wrenching pain inflicted by Henry’s tranquil face to help one scribble down some lyrics for a big ol’ ballad.  Tunnel.  The song’s named “Tunnel”.  Because that’s what this is like.  Walking through a dark, long tunnel with Henry as the light at the other end.  Except you never reach the other end and most likely get hit by the train somewhere in the middle. 

Tonight he puts the finishing touches on the lyrics.  Although Henry’s not scheduled to compose on this one, he always likes to run his lyrics by him.  Probably because every love song he has ever written has been for Henry, and he’s written them with the hope that Henry will get the hint one day. 

He sighs and glances at the clock.  4:30 a.m.  His eyes feel like they’re burning into his skull and his feet are cold and clammy and gross.  His hands are shaking like he’s been doing espresso shots for 72 hours straight and he’s pretty sure his left eye has developed a nervous twitch.  He looks over at Henry, lying splayed out across the mattress, hair sticking out in all directions, softly snoring, drooling ever so slightly, and looking so adorable that Zhou Mi’s inability to caress his face is causing him physical pain.  He wrenches his eyes away from Henry’s enticing form, but it doesn’t help, because they land on a picture frame resting on his bedside table.  It’s a shot from not too long ago, just a quick one someone took of them backstage somewhere, but it’s his favorite picture.  In the photo, Henry’s got the biggest smile you could imagine, and his arms are wrapped tightly around Zhou Mi, whose mouth is stuck open in a laugh and eyes are crinkled with joy.  He picks up the frame and cradles it in his arms, turning his back on Henry and thinking to himself that he has to tell Henry sometime soon, because he’s the definition of a nervous wreck and it’s going to be any time now that he collapses on stage in exhaustion. 

But he hears Henry’s gentle snore and he can’t.  He just can’t.  He quietly hums the tune to “Tunnel” to himself and tries to wish himself from existence.

It’s a new day and Zhou Mi’s already been up, gotten dressed for the day, watched part of the news, turned the news off in despair, had a minor panic attack about his lyrics, changed his outfit thrice, and cut himself off at three cups of coffee in the span of an hour when Henry finally gets out of the shower.  He’d been waiting so he could show Henry his lyrics, but now he wishes he’d waited a bit longer because Henry’s got a towel on and nothing else and those abs are making his face uncomfortably warm.  He waits until Henry dressed, but then Henry beats him to the punch.

“Mi, you still working on lyrics today?”  Henry asks cheerfully, smile so bright it’s probably damaging Zhou Mi’s corneas.

“Actually, I finished my first draft for “Tunnel” last night…”  He trails off, lost in Henry’s smile.

“Great!  Sing them to me!”

Uh oh… He wasn’t exactly prepared to belt out the ballad to its intended recipient.  He can feel that nervous twitch return, but to hell with it, he’s a performer, isn’t he?  He starts off, soft and intimate, singing like he was singing to the love of his life, because well, he was.

“Love, makes you yearn. Who will light up the darkness of the night? Lonely and unbearable loneliness as deep as the ocean… Love is a tunnel, searching blindly in the darkness…”

At some point during the song, Henry sits down on his bed, eyes wide, looking up at Zhou Mi with a worryingly serious expression, but Zhou Mi doesn’t stumble or stutter, finishing strong, staring Henry in the eyes at the last word.  For the first time Zhou Mi’s ever seen, Henry looks concerned because of something he’s done.  There’s a long silence, and Zhou Mi starts to shift anxiously on his feet, when Henry finally opens his mouth.  “Mi…”  He starts, slowly.

It occurs to Zhou Mi that he’s probably finally figured it out.  And he doesn’t look happy.  Zhou Mi suddenly considers the merits of flinging himself from the window.  They’re on the fourth floor, so there’s a good chance he’d die and it probably wouldn’t even hurt and…

“Whoever you wrote this for, she must be really amazing.”  Henry says, voice deadly serious.

Zhou Mi literally gapes at him, completely dumbfounded.  He briefly considers flinging Henry from the window instead.  And then he snaps.

“Henry.  HENRY.  It’s you. IT’S YOU! IT’S… you.  It’s all been for you!  I love you.  I love you!  I.  Love.  You.  The song is about you!  Everything’s been about you!  Every single stupid word I’ve written has always been about you!”  He yells, grabbing Henry by the shoulders and forcing him to look up at him.

Henry’s face is the picture of shocked, eyebrows raised so high they might as well be trying to escape his forehead, mouth hanging open, eyes wide.  Zhou Mi’s about to go on a full tirade, but he looks at Henry’s face, where an expression that Zhou Mi reads as somewhere between disgust and fear is rapidly forming and he stops in his tracks.

“Oh… my… god…”  Is all Henry manages to say before Zhou Mi turns on his heels and practically runs from the room.  He then realizes that he has nowhere he can run to, and opts for the only place with any amount of privacy in these dorms; the bathroom.  He locks himself in and sinks to the floor, sobbing away all of his embarrassment and shame.

“Zhou Mi?  Are you still in there?”  The voice of Siwon, accompanied by a couple abrupt knocks on the bathroom door.

Oh no.  Not Siwon.  Better than Henry at least, but Zhou Mi still groans internally.

“Y-y-yes…”  Zhou Mi manages to croak out in the general direction of the door.

“Are you doing okay?  Because you’ve been in there for like, three hours?  And you’re not dying, right?  Does your stomach hurt?  Oh no, have you been puking?  Because everyone’s going to be sick if you are and that is the last thing we need!  Do you want us to help?  We could get you some water?  Some soup?  If you’d like, I can read from the bible…”

Zhou Mi groans audibly this time.

“You know, Henry just left, we can text him and make him grab you some medicine from a store…”

Zhou Mi jumps to his feet.  This is his opportunity.  Checking that his face doesn’t look too tear streaked in the mirror, he opens the bathroom door and gives Siwon a weak smile. 

“I feel better now, thank you.”  He bows his head and then bolts to his room, shutting the door safely behind him, leaving Siwon scratching the back of his head and muttering something about “needing more God in his life”.

He needs to get out of here, and fast, before Henry gets back.  He tears through his wardrobe, looking for clothes that look like they belong to your average human being.  He becomes increasingly frustrated, sifting through piles of sharp suits and designer labels before he finally chances upon some nondescript sweatpants and a hoodie.  He tugs them on, throws on his oldest pair of sneakers, and sneaks out of the dorm as incognito as he can possibly manage. 

It feels unimaginably good to be out of there.  He walks down the street, hood pulled over his head, glad to be just some stranger on the sidewalk, not Zhou Mi, the idiot who just lost his best friend and probably his music career.  For at least five minutes anyways.  He quickly begins to feel uncomfortable, self-conscious about his poorly dressed appearance, self-conscious about his ridiculous height that is drawing stares from those who pass by.  At least, until he notices that hardly anybody is passing by at all.  Maybe because it’s getting pretty dark.  And cold.  Oh god, is it cold!  And windy.  He starts shivering and finally stops to look around him.  He has no idea where he is.  Okay.  That’s okay. 

Then it starts drizzling.  Then raining.  Then pouring.  He’s completely soaked and freezing and shaking and alone.  He has his phone though.  He could find his way back if he really wanted to.  But that’s the kicker.  He doesn’t.  He can’t.  He can’t go back and face Henry.  Henry must have told somebody about what happened by now.  He leans against the nearest building and despairs.  Why did he have to be so stupid?  Why did he snap?  Why couldn’t he just have suffered in silence every single day for the rest of his life?  Having some Henry was honestly better than having none at all.  Having a job was nice too.  But he can’t go back now.  His back slides against the wall until he’s sitting on the concrete of the sidewalk.  He decides that he’s content with dying out here.  It’s better than having to see the disappointed expressions on the rest of the members, better than having to ever see that disgusted expression on Henry’s face.  Henry… Henry… he closes his eyes and buries his head in his knees, trying to imagine Henry’s smile, hoping that he might freeze to death soon and his last thoughts can be good ones, when his death is rudely interrupted by a stranger.  A stranger singing at him.

“Love, makes you yearn. Who will light up the darkness of the night? Lonely and unbearable loneliness as deep as the ocean… Love is a tunnel, searching blindly in the darkness…”

Wait.  That’s no stranger.  It’s a very soaked, very cold boy, singing Zhou Mi’s own words right back to him as he gawks up at the boy from the sidewalk.  Henry.  Henry.  It’s Henry.  He’s shivering and he’s dripping water and if it wasn’t raining so hard Zhou Mi could’ve sworn that he had tears in his eyes, but he looks determined.  He’s singing softly, but with such intensity and feeling that it’s making him shake just as much as the hypothermia is, and he refuses to break eye contact with Zhou Mi. 

“I sincerely pray that when I open my eyes, a ray of light will take me towards your embrace. Let this love take me out of here…”  He finishes, holding a trembling hand out for Zhou Mi.  The hand is accepted with only a little bit of hesitation, and Zhou Mi lets himself be hoisted to his feet.

“Henry… I… uh… I mean… uhm… why?”  He stammers out.  “Why were you singing?  Why are you… here?”

Henry blushes and looks at the ground, but then snaps his head up, staring Zhou Mi down with ferocity.  “Because you’re an idiot, that’s why!  I’ve been out here for hours looking for you!  Everyone’s been so worried!  You haven’t answered your phone, you could’ve been dead for all I’d have known!  And then I find you here, half dead anyways!  What’s wrong with you?” He shouts angrily.

“You should’ve just let me die… I don’t want you coming here, mocking my feelings for you by singing my lyrics!  And then lecturing me on top of it!”  Zhou Mi yells back, now glaring down at Henry.

“Mocking you?  See!  You are an idiot! Zhou Mi, I… I…”  He suddenly lowers his voice, but not his gaze.  “I love you too.  Okay?  Why else would I be singing a stupid ballad to you while freezing my off in this goddamn downpour?  I love you!”

Zhou Mi’s absolutely stupefied.  “Me?  I… how… what?”

“Yes, you.  .  If you hadn’t ran out of the room before I could say anything, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering frostbite out here right now!  See, I, uhm, thought you were making fun of me… I thought you’d found out that I’ve been in love with you for ages and you were just throwing it back in my face with those lyrics and I… I’m… I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by looking so angry.  I just didn’t think you could ever feel that way about me... So.  I’m sorry.”  Henry raises his head, expectant, hopeful.

Now he actually does feel like an idiot.  How can he not have seen it?  All the little things Henry’s always done for him, the presents, the smiles, the way he always confides in him… it all suddenly makes so much sense.  Henry just wanted to be subtle too. 

It’s probably a stupid idea but Zhou Mi wraps his arms around Henry and lifts him up, spinning him around, rain coming down in sheets now and Henry squeals and laughs and Zhou Mi laughs and they could be in heaven right now for all Zhou Mi notices. 

“No, Henry, I’m sorry.  Let me make it up to you?”  He asks hopefully.

“You can make it up to me by letting us go home now!  And then we have some lost time to make up for once we get back to our room!”  Henry winks at him, and Zhou Mi suddenly feels hot despite the fact that his lips are starting to turn blue. 

They begin the long walk back, shoulders touching, the closest they can get to hand in hand.  They’re almost at the dorms when something suddenly occurs to Zhou Mi.

“Hey, by the way, how did you know I’d be freezing on some street like an hour away from the dorms?”  He asks Henry curiously.

“Remember that we once added each other as emergency contacts on some phone app?  It lets me track your phone location!”  He beams up at Zhou Mi, who beams right back at him.  “I’m sorry, it only took me a few hours to remember that we had done that…”

“And I’m glad you did!”  Zhou Mi exclaims.  “This is turning out to be the best night of my life!” 

Henry laughs, and for a split second laces his frozen fingers with longer and even more frozen ones, giving them a tight squeeze.  He agrees, this is definitely the best night of his life.

“How’s it coming?”  Henry asks Zhou Mi with a smile. 

It’s been a few months (the best months) and Zhou Mi’s finishing the lyrics for the very last song of the album. 

“Well, just listen to this… I can’t believe nobody’s noticed love right here by us… Even past countless people I can still touch your shoulder…”  He sings at Henry, huge smile on his face.

Henry puts on a mock scandalized expression.  “Mi, I’m shocked!  Who is this secret love of yours?”

“Cause it’s you, I only love you… Cause it’s you, I’m okay with anything…”  He sings into Henry’s ear, wrapping his arms around him.  Henry blushes and smiles up at Zhou Mi, propping himself up onto his toes.  “Cause it’s you, you, you, you, I only love you… Cause it’s you, you, you, you… mrMMMhHfff!” He’s cut off by Henry pressing their lips together.  As their lips melt together blissfully, Zhou Mi can’t help but think of all the happy lyrics he can finally write now.