he always waits for his bus in the same spot, just to the left of the bus stop with his back leaned against the streetlight pole, watching the light oncoming traffic if any at all. he’d seen this scenery so many times, in every possible state; raining at 5:30 am as he left early for work, sky close to black with clouds filled with angry thunder at 8 pm after he had showered and lingered for longer than necessary before trudging out the rough kilometer to the stop, sunny winter middays, crisp october mornings and boiling summer nights.

 

it felt weird that he wasn’t going to do that again anytime soon, or maybe ever.

 

 

“so..,” taekwoon says under his breath, and hongbin can hear on his voice that he wishes he didn’t have anything to explain further. “i’m moving. and i’m not sure when i’ll come back. and that’s that, for now..”

 

hongbin nips the blunt edges of his nails at his cuticles, tearing at pieces of skin he can’t reach, and chews on the inside of his cheek in silence. the rain smattering on taekwoon’s bedroom window doesn’t soothe him like it always does, doesn’t give him the feeling of cool water pouring over him and calming his senses like any other day, it just brings him down. he thinks about the big suitcase in the back of taekwoon’s closet and of how its wheels sound against asphalt, and he has to make a point of out pulling in another breath.

 

“okay.”

 

taekwoon eyes him in silence for a second, fidgeting with the papers about his scholarship in his hands before he puts them aside, back on the nightstand, back where they laid before hongbin knew what they meant.

 

“it’s not okay,” taekwoon shifts, and he’s uncomfortable, and hongbin hates it. “i know it’s not, but i can’t..”

 

he falls quiet again, and hongbin’s molars dig into his tongue as to make the lump in his throat go away.

 

“our lives can’t revolve around one another,” he manages after a while. he’s starting to feel his legs fall asleep under him and he wriggles his toes, tingles biting at his ankles and shins. “i can’t ask you to stay, i don’t want to.”

 

realizing he somehow has to let his best friend go feels like clumsy fingers slowly tearing at your chest from the inside, scraping at your ribcage and pulling on your lungs, squeezing at your heart. hongbin’s cheeks are still wet when he leaves for his bus, eyes rubbed red, and even then the lump is still pressing at the back of his throat. there are snowdrops peeking out under the melting snow in the grass by the sidewalk, and hongbin leaves his spot by the streetlight to crouch down next to them. he flicks away pieces of icy, wet snow with his index finger before he takes a picture of it and sends it to taekwoon without a caption, swatting away the thought about how texting to the uk might not be something he can do every five minutes.

 

 

the day before taekwoon leaves, he dumps his packing and suitcases and whatnot at his parents’ house and takes hongbin out for late-night takeaway coffee. it doesn’t help much, maybe even makes it worse as hongbin keeps thinking about how there’s a risk this won’t ever happen again, how taekwoon won’t hook their arms together or follow hongbin wherever he asked they go, but he manages.

 

“it’s hard when, like,” hongbin mumbles as they’re sitting on a bench by hongbin’s apartment complex, paper cups still in their hands but the little coffee left in them grown ice cold. “i can’t remember the last time we were away from each other for more than a couple of weeks.”

 

“yeah, me neither..,” taekwoon fiddles with his cup as he thinks, rolling is between his palms and scratching at the glued edge. “we have skype, though, and texting, i’m not gonna disappear.”

 

“yeah.. yeah, i know.”

 

there’s a big difference between being in the same city and being five thousand miles apart, but hongbin doesn’t feel like that’s something worth bringing up.

 

 

“can you hear me?,” taekwoon’s voice is static in hongbin’s headphones, static and small and he didn’t know he had missed it this much.

 

“yeah,” he says, adjusting the microphone on his chord. his headphones weren’t class a communicating devices, but they were enough. “yeah i can hear you.”

 

the smile on his face grows big when he hears taekwoon's muffled laughing, embarrassed, but he can’t find it in him to joke about it. he mindlessly runs the pads of his fingers over the keyboard, watching as some stray letters appear in the chat box when he presses them down too hard. taekwoon’s microphone lets off noises of shuffling and something falling over before taekwoon’s voice is back.

 

“sorry, i had to move my laptop,” he mumbles.

 

it’s only been three weeks since taekwoon moved, but taekwoon hadn’t been able to get a functioning microphone until now, the two having spent their time chatting on skype and taekwoon asking hongbin one or two times if he could start a one-sided voice call (he could). hongbin feels like a different person since taekwoon left, he can’t pinpoint it, but he doesn’t like it, just as much as he doesn’t really like the idea of him not being one individual unit.

 

“it’s so weird to hear your voice,” hongbin says quietly, leaning his head in his hand as he hunches over the desk, eyes trained on his keyboard while he listens to taekwoon typing.

 

“it’s weird to hear yours, too,” taekwoon smiles - hongbin can hear it - and the typing stops for a moment. hongbin knows he’s busy writing an article as an assignment for his english course, but taekwoon insisted they talked during his free block, and hongbin discarded the fact that time was closing up on 12 am.

 

“i hope you’re not overworking yourself,” hongbin says later when taekwoon announces he has to go, to edit his article and finally eat a very late lunch.

 

“i’m not,” taekwoon says, and hongbin hears him sink down in his chair, pulling his knees up, like he always does when he tries to get some perspective on things. “not yet, at least,” he adds with a snort, but hongbin knows he won’t. he’s come too far to let himself down.

 

“good.”

 

“you take care of yourself too, okay,”

 

hongbin yawns, shifting where he has ended up with his head resting atop his folded arms and his chair pushed back.

 

“promise.”

 

“it’s late, you should sleep,” taekwoon reminds him, and hongbin realizes that he for the 3rd time this week forgot that they’re in completely different time zones.

 

“yeah, i know,” hongbin says and rubs at his left eye with his hand, leaning up and glancing at his screen. he has two new messages from wonsik, but the notifications sounded over an hour ago, and hongbin decides that it can wait until morning. “i miss you.”

 

“go to sleep,” taekwoon repeats with laughter in his voice before adding, “i miss you too.”

 

 

it takes hongbin another couple of weeks to fall into a new pattern of habits and feeling less empty, and they’re rough, but he takes comfort both in wonsik and in knowing that taekwoon misses him as well. he’s glad snapchat and text message services are available too, especially when taekwoon sends him blurry pictures of him going to digital arts exhibitions and his loads of essays and assignments lying on his dorm room desk whenever he has the spare time to check his phone.

 

wonsik had been around since a couple of years back, after being in another high school’s soccer team meeting hongbin and taekwoon’s school in a regional championship and crashing into hongbin causing them both to slip and get hurt. while hongbin had gotten away with some scratches and bruises, wonsik twisted his foot and had to be switched for a substitute and spent the rest of the game on the bench. hongbin - feeling bad after seeing wonsik limp over to get a bottle of water - had approached him after the game to apologize, and they ended up spending half an hour talking and exchanging numbers before they took off.

 

“you’re not sulking still, are you?,” wonsik asks two months after taekwoon moved, arm thrown over hongbin’s shoulders as they make their way for a night out (which in their world just meant a couple of beers in the cheap bar five blocks from hongbin’s apartment, but it didn’t matter much to them).

 

“not exactly,” hongbin shrugs and pulls a drag from his cigarette, his free hand coming up for him to curl his fingers into wonsik’s hoodie, a reflex he had developed over the years.

 

“he’s coming back,” wonsik says fleetingly, pulling hongbin with him to leave way for a cyclist before they cross a street. “don’t forget about that.”

 

“i won’t,” hongbin reassures him, handing the cigarette over for wonsik to have the last of it before they cut into the street they’re heading to.

 

save for taekwoon, wonsik was the one that made hongbin feel the safest, he felt safe with wonsik’s not-close-to-funny puns and his laughter - no matter if he was laughing at his own joke or someone else’s - and with his presence. wonsik kept his distance when asked, and hongbin never needed him to, but it was comforting to know.

 

always with his backpack stuffed and in stow, they stopped on more than one occasion on their way back, trickling through smaller streets for wonsik to pull his cans out and leave messy tags on bland brick walls and electrical cabinets before they stop at a short ledge, wonsik crouching down and shaking his can. hongbin drops to sit on the ledge and keep watch as wonsik paints, pulling out another cigarette from his pocket and lighting it up. when wonsik gets back to his feet, there’s a train of small, black birds walking towards the corner of the ledge. hongbin can’t suppress the giggle in his throat, leaning into wonsik’s shoulder as they eye the piece.

 

“not your usual style,” hongbin comments as they start walking again, only a block or so left until his apartment.

 

“i know, but they were cute, right?,” wonsik grins, snatching the cigarette from hongbin’s fingers after he shoves the can of paint back in his backpack and holding his free hand up in front of them to inspect the mess of black paint.

 

“i’ll help you scrub it off when we get back,” hongbin promises as wonsik hooks their arms, the two nearly stumbling and falling to their knees after stepping down from a sidewalk before crossing a street, and wonsik laughs. it doesn’t matter much to hongbin that he gets ashes in his hair after wonsik flicks the cigarette filter between them.

 

 

they’re crowding hongbin’s small bathroom when the urge hits him at first, and he knows so well it’s only because he realizes the possibility is there, but he decides not to act on it right then and there. he lets time pass, lets wonsik dig out a new toothbrush from a cabinet and lets wonsik wash his face in cold water, watching him with a dumb grin when he leans back up, frowning and reaching for the towel in hongbin’s hands. neither of the two are as drunk as they were, but there’s still the numbness in the back of hongbin’s mouth and the tingle in his chest when he moves.

 

it hits him again after wonsik rummages through hongbin’s closet for an extra pillow; hongbin sitting on his bed checking his phone when wonsik sinks down behind him, chin on hongbin’s shoulder as hongbin goes through his instagram feed. tapping twice on one of taekwoon’s posts from earlier, hongbin puts his phone on his nightstand, leaning back into wonsik’s chest for a second.

 

“you tired?,” he asks, turning to wonsik while scratching a spot at his chest, curiously eyeing wonsik’s messy hair.

 

“not really, after that cold shower..,” wonsik chuckles, stretching one of his legs out. “i’m just drunk.”

 

hongbin pauses, head tilted back as he watches wonsik just almost upside down, his face in the dull light from the other room. wonsik eyes him right back, lips parted the slightest bit and eyes hooded as his glance is turned down in hongbin’s direction. they stay still for a second before the urge tugging as hongbin’s chest grows too strong and he turns to face wonsik, leaning in close. as if waiting for permission, he pauses right before his lips touch wonsik’s, and there’s a heartbeat of dead air before wonsik wordlessly leans in the last bit and connects their lips.

 

there’s a spark missing that hongbin thinks he was expecting, a spark that doesn’t surface, but he still parts his lips for wonsik’s tongue, putting his left hand on the back of wonsik’s head when the other shifts to move in closer. the numbness in his mouth doesn’t subside but that only makes him feel hungrier for wonsik’s lips and tongue, and he ends up getting wonsik down on his back, wonsik’s arms wrapped loosely around hongbin’s middle as their kisses slow down until wonsik mumbles against his lips.

 

“is this okay?,” voice low and almost tickling at hongbin’s lips.

 

hongbin is quiet, doesn’t know what to say, and wonsik’s eyes search his before he speaks again.

 

“i-- i’m not into you like that,” it’s even quieter, as if he was afraid, and hongbin feels like a, maybe not huge but, moderate weight is lifted from his shoulders.

 

“i’m not into you like that either,” he whispers back; he never had been, but he just made the realization itself, and it lets him feel less weighed down when wonsik breaks their eye contact to kiss him again.

 

 

when he wakes up, the sun is way past shining straight in through his bedroom window, with only a few rays of it peering between the blinds to land on the wall above his bed, and hongbin watches the dust floating in the air for a while before he nuzzles his face back into wonsik’s neck, smelling the remainders of his hairspray and wonsik’s own light scent. the little sun that does get inside, tiredly lighting up the room, is just enough and hongbin decides that he’s neither pulling the blinders up nor leaving the apartment until it gets dark again. as bad as he thought his hangover would get, he barely feels dizzy when he gets up to drink a glass of water, bringing another back to his bed where wonsik had rolled over on his stomach and is clutching the pillow under his head.

 

“you should get up,” hongbin suggests after he sets the water down on the nightstand, crawling up to sit by the headboard with his phone in one hand and the other reaching out to ruffle wonsik’s hair.

 

“never in my life,” wonsik deadpans into the pillow, then turns his head to hongbin and peers up at him.

 

hongbin stifles a laugh as wonsik’s disheveled appearance and sinks down next to him, letting wonsik scoot up a little and nuzzle into his side as he opens the text message app, taekwoon’s conversation having three unread messages.

 

jtwjtw 04:01
haha are you drunk
i hope youre not alone get back safely
i love you too (?)

 

hongbin blinks dumbly at the messages for a couple of seconds before he lets his eyes flicker up to two previous messages sent by himself, at an hour he can’t recall how he spent.

 

lhb 02:27
taekwoo n i love you i c
i cant wait for u to  come back

 

after very carefully typing out an “i’m so sorry oh my god”, hongbin chucks his phone to the foot of the bed and drapes himself over wonsik with a groan.

 

“what,” wonsik squeaks from underneath him, and hongbin lets out the longest sigh in weeks.

 

 

(he feels lonely going to sleep that same night, after wonsik has left for the skatepark with some people hongbin doesn’t know and hongbin himself has spent more hours than he felt necessary at his convenience store part-time job, the bed empty and too big and not warm enough.)

 

 

taekwoon gets a cam around the end of august, and hongbin gets up two hours earlier than he needs to get on his laptop and open skype before taekwoon has to sleep. the other’s room is dark and hongbin can’t see much first, only a pale blur that is taekwoon’s face and very faint contours of his shoulders and arms. he’s wearing the red hoodie he got from hongbin after he ordered one two sizes too big.

 

“i can’t see you,” hongbin mumbles and pulls up the brightness of his screen, finding that it doesn’t help much.

 

“wait,” taekwoon says, disappearing out of view with a clicking noise.

 

hongbin’s screen is so bright he has to squint and he turns it down again, waiting patiently for taekwoon to come back. after a couple of long seconds, a light flickers on in taekwoon’s room and the other returns to the desk with a smile that hongbin can now make out.

 

“hey,” hongbin grins, leaning his head in both hands as he watches taekwoon fiddle with his shirt, tugging the sleeves out over his hands and shifting in his chair.

 

“you know i’m gonna make you put your cam on too,” taekwoon says as he leans in closer to his camera, eyes set on the screen as he pokes at his fringe. hongbin wanted to say he changed, like his hair grew or he looked older, but it had only been so many months.

 

“but i look terrible,” hongbin says with a scrunch of his nose that he knows taekwoon can hear.

 

“don’t pull that with me,” he warns, clicking his touchpad and reading something on his screen. “you know i don’t care.”

 

“i know but--“

 

“and i haven’t seen you in just as long as you haven’t seen me,” taekwoon glances into the camera with a smile. “in case you forgot.”

 

hongbin’s eyes linger on taekwoon’s cam window for a bit longer than he likes, and he tears his eyes away from taekwoon distantly typing something to pull an earbud out.

 

“i’ll be right back,” he mumbles before pulling the second out as well, just about spotting taekwoon’s face breaking into a rare, wide smile before he goes to change into something that’s not the t-shirt he spent the past four days in and pull his hair up in a ponytail.

 

taekwoon has leaned back in his chair with his phone in his hands when hongbin returns, face concentrated and eyebrows furrowed. he shoots the screen a glance when he hears what hongbin guesses is the shuffling noise as he puts his headphones back on, the microphone brushing against his sweater.

 

“cam,” taekwoon says flatly, leaning onto the desk with an expectant face.

 

there are sparks in hongbin’s chest again, something like a resurface of the ones he almost felt a couple of weeks earlier, and his index finger freezes over the button for him to connect to the video chat for a second. he sighs to himself, maybe out loud too because taekwoon tilts his head in curiosity, and gives in. it takes a couple of seconds for it all to go through, but then he’s right there on the screen, his box smaller than taekwoon’s, and hongbin finds himself inspecting how terrible this angle looked.

 

“hey hongbin,” taekwoon chuckles, and hongbin’s eyes shoot up to see the other looking intently at the screen, smiling.

 

“hey..,” hongbin smiles too, despite how very teenage-rebel-phase this angle made him look and how he probably needed to adjust his sweater over his shoulders.

 

“i’ve missed your face,” taekwoon says, eyes not moving an inch from where hongbin assumes his own video box is.

 

they spend an hour and a half small talking, taekwoon telling hongbin about school and how he twisted his ankle in the gym (in the locker room, not while working out; this was important), and hongbin listens quietly, laughing under his breath at taekwoon explaining how his art history professor had pronounced wölfflin’s name wrong for an entire class before correcting himself (even though he had no idea who wölfflin was, which taekwoon realized and apologized for after hongbin was done laughing).

 

“i have to go, i need to shower before work..,” hongbin says reluctantly in the end, elbows numb from how he kept resting them on the desk. taekwoon’s sleepy voice and droopy eyes make him feel less guilty about leaving, but there’s still taekwoon pulling his upper lip up in disappointment.

 

“do what you gotta do,” he says, leaning back and rolling his neck to crack it. hongbin thinks he hears something pop, but maybe that’s just his imagination. “we’re still here tomorrow.”

 

“yeah, i guess,” hongbin mumbles, pressing back a yawn and realizing he had yet to make coffee. “you need to sleep.”

 

“i do,” taekwoon agrees with a smile before he fails to keep a yawn in, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. “i’ll text you.”

 

“go sleep. i’ll talk to you later,” hongbin smiles, giving the camera a small wave before closing the video chat. the screen freezes at taekwoon with his chin leaned in his hand, eyes on the screen. hongbin watches it until taekwoon sends a “go shower or youll be late!!”, and he shuts his laptop and leaves for the bathroom.

 

when you have seen someone on a close to daily basis for eight-or-so years, it becomes extremely empty when that person isn’t available to your immediate vicinity anymore, and hongbin wants to say this is why his chest grows warm whenever taekwoon texts him now.

 

jtwjtw 08:13
have fun at work and make sure you eat something and dont your sleep schedule up just because of me

 

lhb 08:50
dw about me ill be fine
and didnt you run late for your class last friday because you were talking to me

 

jtwjtw 09:01
ouch...

 

 

when hongbin starts to feel things that were never there before, when the unnamed feeling in his chest bubbles up to his head and he can’t sleep at night, is when he realizes he might be letting himself doing something really stupid. really stupid and really out of his reach, but also a bit out of his control, and he suddenly spends way too much time thinking about taekwoon. remembering how taekwoon had laughed when they talked the night before has hongbin nearly knocking over an entire shelf at work, stumbling over a package of dried fruit when he headed back for the counter, and completely trail off when reading the price of an older woman’s groceries out loud for her.

 

it doesn’t help when hongbin drops by taekwoon’s parents’ apartment to look for a shirt he thinks he might have left there, and they greet him just like when taekwoon was holed up in his room with a book while waiting for hongbin, but there’s a sting of melancholy that hongbin can’t seem to push through entirely, a heavy weight winding itself around his insides and pulling down. taekwoon’s room stands empty save for his old desk and bed, the curtains pulled up and the windows left open to let in the heavy summer breeze. the whole apartment smells differently, hongbin thinks, but it’s probably because there’s no room in it that’s filled with taekwoon. it feels like these feelings arrived far too late.

 

the bus stop looks different from how it did in february, the surrounding fields of grass greener, some white flowers hongbin doesn’t recognize sprouting from the ground by the streetlight, their tiny petals shining in the sun and dancing in the wind. he crouches down and picks one of the flowers off, opening snapchat to check his face and pushing his fringe out of his forehead before setting the stem of the flower behind his ear. it takes him a minute to get it in place properly, and he goes into the stop to sit on the bench, leaning back against the acrylic glass as he lifts his phone again. with the caption “your parents said hi”, hongbin send taekwoon a snap of himself with the apartment buildings visible far off in the background. that’s when he spots the heavy clouds of rain approaching, and when taekwoon replies with a picture of himself half hidden by his sleeve with a messily drawn flower in his hair, the rain is smattering hard against the bus window hongbin is resting his head against and his heart is racing even harder in his chest.

 

 

on his birthday, hongbin receives a video snap from taekwoon at exactly 9 am; presenting a cupcake with a candle stuck into it sitting on taekwoon’s desk with the flame flickering a little as taekwoon sings a quiet happy birthday. it ends with a hurried “i have something to tell you later”, hongbin’s tired eyes widening and a stir growing in his chest as he shoves his head back into his pillows. there are seven more notifications blinking but he leaves them for later, spends ten minutes squirming around under his comforter before he gathers himself enough to send taekwoon a reply, a picture of his nightstand and alarm clock with the caption “i ing overslept”.

 

jtwjtw 09:21
didnt you go to sleep early ytd

 

lhb 09:23
yeah i just.... idk
thank you by the way
i hope the cupcake was nice haha

 

jtwjtw 09:30
im eating it right now, its amazing

 

lhb 09:32
shouldnt you be asleep
are you staying up to tell me that thing

 

jtwjtw 09:34
its only 12:30
and no haha

 

lhb 09:35
=_=

 

jtwjtw 09:40
its for later
we can skype when i get out of class

 

lhb 09:43
i hate you

 

jtwjtw 09:50
no you dont and im going to sleep now goodnight ♡

 

hongbin suffers through the day, even when wonsik drops by the convenience store when it’s quiet and hangs over the counter to congratulate him and explain that he’s getting them takeout later. takeout sounds just like what hongbin needs, and he leans over to rest his head on top of wonsik's folded arms and mumble a quiet “thanks”.

 

“you’re not doing anything else today, are you?”

 

“nope,” hongbin shrugs as he leans back. “i’m talking to taekwoon later tonight but not until he’s free.”

 

“cool,” wonsik grins and reaches up for two packs of cigarettes, one of the brand he smokes himself and one of hongbin’s brand. “come take a break with me,” he asks as he hands hongbin the money to pay for them.

 

and so hongbin does, asking his coworker to keep an eye on the cashier as he goes out for a bit. wonsik keeps grinning as they talk, a tug on the corner of his mouth that he visibly tries to hold back, but hongbin notices.

 

“what’s up with you,” hongbin asks after he stubs his cigarette out on the wet asphalt beneath him, turning his head to eye the other as he grins, again.

 

“nothing.”

 

“i can tell it’s not nothing,” hongbin rolls his eyes, but there’s still a tugging in his stomach, a feeling that makes him break into a smile when wonsik shrugs and drops his cigarette to step on it.

 

“really, it’s nothing,” he singsongs as he opens the door for hongbin.

 

they exchange a glance, hongbin frowning with his eyes slimmed and wonsik with raised brows and a dumb smile.

 

“i’ll drop by again when you get off and we can go get food,” is what wonsik says before making his way over to the store entrance, leaving hongbin leaning against the counter as he takes the spot back from his coworker.

 

 

“guess,” taekwoon smiles, half of his face hidden in his hand as he rests his chin on his palm, but hongbin can hear him smile.

 

“i hate guessing,” he groans in reply, leaning down on the desk so only the top of his head and the backrest of his chair is visible for taekwoon.

 

“i know, but,” taekwoon shifts on his bed, the camera shaking and the box on hongbin’s screen becoming completely blurry for a couple of seconds before taekwoon straightens up. “this is just.. you should guess.”

 

hongbin stays with his head on the desk as he thinks, sighing to himself and earning a soft chuckle from taekwoon.

 

“i don’t know,” he mutters and turns his head back to the screen, watching as taekwoon moves his laptop around again.

 

“one sec,” taekwoon says before his laptop is left on the bed, barely allowing hongbin to see taekwoon step over to his desk and rummage through some papers. “here!,” he hears him exclaim to himself, and he smiles into his hands while taekwoon returns to the computer.

 

“did you get me a card or something--,” hongbin starts before taekwoon holds something, a piece of paper, up in front of the camera. the text is too blurry for hongbin so make anything out, but his heart starts beating at an abnormal pace when he realizes there’s the logo of an airline company in the corner. “what’s that.”

 

“i’m,” taekwoon starts as he climbs back into his bed. “i’m coming home for a week after christmas.”

 

hongbin doesn’t want to know how he looks when he shoots up in his chair, staring at taekwoon’s face partially hidden by the ticket in his hand, but his eyes flicker down to his own video box and his hands come up to cover his face.

 

“you’re kidding.”

 

“no, wonsik helped me pay for them the other week but i wanted to wait to tell you..,” taekwoon is smiling as he watches hongbin squirm in his seat.

 

all hongbin can think of is taekwoon’s scent, his hugs, holding him again and burying his face in taekwoon’s shoulder.

 

 

(he has troubles sleeping again after realizing there are still three months left, three whole months sleeping alone with no taekwoon to call in the middle of the night, and his thoughts stir more than usual when he imagines the other existing in the flesh again.)

 

 

for taekwoon’s birthday, hongbin sends him polaroid pictures of what he’s been up to during autumn and a letter attached to a dumb birthday card with cats on it. taekwoon doesn’t talk a lot about how he misses his cat back home, but hongbin knows, both by default and by how taekwoon screenshotted every single blurry picture hongbin took of her when he went back to taekwoon’s house.

 

jtwjtw 09:48
i just got your letter!!!
it was really cute haha

 

lhb 09:50
im glad ^^
happy birthday!!

 

taekwoon sends him a snap of him holding the letter in front of his face, paper close and the small stickers hongbin put at the top visible, and hongbin grins into his sleeve as he stands alone in the back of their storage room.

 

lhb 09:52
cute birthday boy haha

 

jtwjtw 09:54
i literally just woke up

 

lhb 9:56
ive seen you worse

 

jtwjtw 09:56
shh
your polaroids were cute too
im putting them up by my bed

 

lhb 9:57
but the ones of me are terrible

 

jtwjtw 09:58
ive seen you worse~

 

 

they decide that hongbin is picking taekwoon up at the airport since taekwoon’s parents are both working. they both know taekwoon can get back to the city from the airport by himself even with his big suitcase, but taekwoon insists hongbin meets up with him, and hongbin isn’t in any way complaining. he spends the last week before taekwoon arrives jittery, nearly forgetting about every other thing he had planned, christmas included. he spends it with wonsik and jaehwan, making drinks in jaehwan’s apartment, eating pizza and giving each other gifts.

 

“i told you,” wonsik laughs and takes a sip from his raspberry rum. “i told you not to give me a new deck, i’m gonna cry..”

 

“your old one is trash, stupid,” jaehwan smiles and nudges wonsik’s waist with one finger as he picks his glass up. “besides, hongbin and i got it together, so it’s really no biggie.”

 

“you’re insane,” wonsik insists before setting his things down and leaning over on the couch, into jaehwan’s side.

 

“i know, and you’re welcome.”

 

hongbin can’t wipe the smile off his face, and he doesn’t really mind if his cheeks are hurting, he’s a bit too drunk to care and taekwoon has just sent him a bunch of texts about how he can’t wait to leave in the morning.

 

“are you sure this is okay,” wonsik asks later when they get back to hongbin’s apartment, hongbin curled up with his face buried in wonsik’s chest while the other rests his chin on hongbin’s head.

 

“we’re just sleeping?,” hongbin mumbles, the words taking a long time to form in his mouth from how dizzy and sleepy he is.

 

“i know, i was just..,” wonsik says, trailing off. “you like taekwoon.”

 

hongbin doesn’t really have it in him to react, only forgets to breathe for a couple of seconds before he replies.

 

“i guess.”

 

“since long, or--“

 

“no, not really.”

 

“so that time..”

 

“don’t worry about it, i told you it was fine.”

 

wonsik is quiet after that, slow fingers treading through hongbin’s hair and the back of his neck. it’s the best feeling hongbin has felt in ages and he sighs, stretching his neck to the best of his abilities to let wonsik continue. they lie silent for a long while, the steady rhythm of wonsik’s heartbeats calming hongbin down and having him relax against wonsik’s body.

 

“does he know?”

 

“nope,” hongbin says, holding back a yawn as wonsik pulls him in a little closer. “or i haven’t told him, at least.”

 

“are you gonna be okay when he’s here?”

 

“yeah, don’t worry about it. i’ll be fine.”

 

 

taekwoon looks like he just woke up, hair a bit disheveled and the collar of his jacket uneven, and the butterflies in hongbin’s stomach feel like they both die off and start to flutter even more violently all at once. the other doesn’t see him first, hongbin is standing a bit away after he got nervous and backed a few feet, but then he does, and his whole, tired face lights up. hongbin barely registers the noise of his suitcase falling to the floor as they hug, taekwoon’s arms wrapping tight around him and pulling him in to his chest. if it wasn’t for this, hongbin thinks his legs might have given up on him.

 

“hi,” hongbin whispers into taekwoon’s shoulder, and that’s when the lump in his throat pushes its way upward and has him tear up.

 

“hongbin,” taekwoon mumbles, and hongbin knows he’s been sleeping now, his voice raspy and lower than usual.

 

“you smell so weird,” hongbin says, because he does, stale and like some kind of food hongbin didn’t want to know of.

 

taekwoon’s fingers press harder into hongbin’s back as he laughs, quietly, his chest shaking against hongbin’s, and hongbin feels like the months he just spent alone never even happened.

 

“i’ve missed you so much,” he says under his breath before taekwoon pulls back a little, his hands coming up to fix taekwoon’s collar as the other eyes him.

 

“i missed you too,” he says softly, voice quieted down, and hongbin wants to kiss him right then and there. he doesn’t.

 

their train ride is all taekwoon talking, tiredly leaning against hongbin’s shoulder as he talks about things hongbin already knows of; his dorm room, his classmates, his teachers and how he can’t believe it’s been so long since he left. hongbin rests his head against the top of taekwoon’s, holding the other’s suitcase steady between his knees as the train cart rumbles. it’s snowing for the first time in a week, and when taekwoon goes silent, they watch together as the flakes sail down to the ground and slowly cover the dirty gray snow.

 

“we didn’t get any snow back in the uk yet,” taekwoon mumbles. “it’s just raining.”

 

“rain is nice too,” hongbin points out quietly, nudging taekwoon’s leg with his pinky before the other puts his hand over hongbin’s.

 

“i’ve missed this.”

 

hongbin’s heart is racing again, and it takes him seconds to collect himself enough to reply.

 

“me too.”

 

 

taekwoon spends two days at his parents’ house celebrating a late christmas, and for a while hongbin forgets things aren’t back to the way they were. they text every 2 minutes, taekwoon calls him when he’s out smoking on his balcony and hongbin goes out to do the same, distant company. even if it’s almost what they’ve done for the past 8-or-so months, there’s a big difference between five thousand miles and just over five.

 

he stays at hongbin’s place one night after they’ve been out to catch up with wonsik, jaehwan and sanghyuk, trudging down through the wind heavy with snow to the bar in hongbin’s neighborhood to grab a few beers. taekwoon’s face lights up when the others speak, trying to dig through every day of their lives since taekwoon had left, and it doesn’t matter much to any of them that they start to stumble on their words after a few beers too many. sanghyuk moved out this summer, now sharing an apartment with his partner whom all of them had yet to meet, jaehwan had gotten into the university he wanted, and wonsik had quit his job and gotten hired again at least three times. hongbin already heard these stories, had listened to sanghyuk talk about his new apartment and listened to him explain how much nicer it was to sleep with someone next to you, but he still listens attentively, slowly sipping on his beer.

 

“it’s really weird to live completely alone after growing used to you guys,” taekwoon says thoughtfully, pausing for a second before he glances at hongbin. “especially you,” he adds with a smile that hongbin is too tipsy to make anything out of.

 

hongbin is quiet for the bigger part of the night, taekwoon already heard his stories, and he likes it better listening to the others talking over each other’s heads and laughing as he leans into taekwoon’s shoulder. it takes him a few seconds to fully register that taekwoon’s hand is holding his under the edge of the table, their fingers resting on top of their thighs meeting, and hongbin puts all his force into not glancing up at taekwoon’s face. instead, he chews restlessly on his bottom lip while wonsik tells them about the run-in he had with an off-duty cop the other week, taekwoon’s thumb lazily brushing over hongbin’s knuckles.

 

 

that urge from months ago bubbles up again when taekwoon drops to sit on the lid of hongbin’s toilet as he brushes his teeth, his legs hitched up and his feet pressing against the opposite wall as he leans back a little. they’re just as drunk as wonsik and he were, if not more, but there are way more things in hongbin’s way for him to give in.

 

“this place looks exactly the same,” taekwoon chuckles under his breath as he peeks his head into the living room wall-to-wall with hongbin’s bedroom, stopping for a second to eye the room before they head over to hongbin’s bed.

 

“did you think i’d mess with it?,” hongbin asks with a playful grin, the realization of taekwoon still being taekwoon slowly dawning on him, and he aims a gentle kick to taekwoon’s shins before the other crawls into hongbin’s bed.

 

“not really,” he shrugs and grips onto the hem of his hoodie to pull it up and off, proceeding with trying to separate his t-shirt from the sleeves of the hoodie while hongbin climbs into the bed on his knees.

 

“you cut your hair, by the way,” hongbin notes as taekwoon pulls the hoodie back over his head, throwing his t-shirt over hongbin to land on top of his jeans.

 

“oh, i didn’t think you’d notice,” taekwoon mumbles and pulls a hand through his hair, his fringe just a bit shorter than it was when he arrived the other day. “my mom cut it, she said i looked weird.”

 

hongbin can’t hold back his giggles and has to duck when taekwoon aims a loose jab to his arm before he shifts to lie down next to him, pulling a pillow in under his head and reaching out to push at a strand of hongbin’s fringe.

 

“you could use a haircut too,” he says softly.

 

quietly, hongbin watches taekwoon’s hand move above his face, his sleeve pushed back a little as he stretched his arm out, and he’s glad the beer has numbed their senses, the fleeting thought hitting him that ‘what if taekwoon could hear my pulse’. he doesn’t stop himself when he reaches up and grabs taekwoon by the wrist, pulling his arm around his own waist as he rolls over with his back to taekwoon. taekwoon doesn’t say a word, only scoots in closer and pushes his face into hongbin’s hair, holding him against his chest as he searches hongbin’s hand to lace their fingers together. hongbin hates how the urge to kiss taekwoon hasn’t grown any less prominent, how he can’t take his mind off how taekwoon’s warm breaths hit his neck, but he decides that it has to wait.

 

“goodnight hongbin,” taekwoon mumbles, and hongbin thinks his chest is about to burst.

 

 

ravi 11:51
are u sure ur okay

 

hongbin lifts one of his legs up to fold it underneath him on the chair, taking a sip from his coffee before he replies.

 

lhb 11:58
idk i guess i am
or something

 

ravi 12:00
im guessing u havent told him

 

he glances up at taekwoon sitting across from him, hood pulled up and sleeves tugged out to cover his hands as he holds his cup of coffee with both. his face is a bit swollen and still drunk from sleep, his eyes seemingly struggling to focus on what’s in front of him before he glances up at hongbin and catches him looking, and he sets his cup down to hide his face in his arms with an embarrassed laugh.

 

“i look like death,” he mutters before turning his head up again, nose and mouth buried in his hoodie. “what?”

 

hongbin can feel his own face grow warm as he blinks back at taekwoon, shaking his head and mumbling a ‘nothing’ before turning back to his phone.

 

lhb 12:02
idk how

 

taekwoon finishes the last of his coffee and announces that he’s going to borrow the shower, rubbing at his eyes as he waddles over to the bathroom.

 

ravi 12:06
u know im just guessing here but like
i dont rly think u have anything to lose if u know what i mean

 

hongbin rereads the message eight times before flipping the phone over and letting it lay screen down on the table while he goes to change clothes.

 

 

it’s new years and hongbin has wonsik and jaehwan over, along with taekwoon, since his balcony is the biggest out of the ones available. jaehwan had just talked wonsik into not lighting fireworks from the balcony on the twelve strike, much to both wonsik’s and taekwoon’s disappointment, but hongbin had added a small ‘my neighbors would kill me’, and the complaints had silenced down. while jaehwan drags wonsik back inside to have him show the fireworks he brought, hongbin stays out on the balcony with taekwoon, their jackets pulled tight around them as they lean against the railing with a cigarette each.

 

“we can always do fireworks next year,” taekwoon says fleetingly, smiling a little as he glances back at hongbin to find him already watching him. “i mean even if i stay another year, i’ll come to see you.”

 

“but you didn’t decide if you want to stay or not yet?,” hongbin asks as he takes one last drag from his smoke, leaning back to put it out before he’s back by taekwoon’s side.

 

“i don’t know,” taekwoon admits. “i know people there now but, it’s still kind of lonely.”

 

hongbin purses his lips, sinking down a little where he’s leaning and scanning the gray skies of the neighborhood.

 

“i know i keep saying it, but i really missed you.”

 

taekwoon’s free hand reaches over to link his pinky with hongbin’s, and hongbin glances up at the other for a second. taekwoon has sunken down a little as well, his nose red with cold and his cheeks rosy as he pulls a drag from his cigarette, rolling the filter absently between his fingers before he turns to look at hongbin. it’s only a couple of seconds, but hongbin’s chest is sparking again, and it’s taekwoon’s gentle tug on his pinky that encourages him to give in. he straightens his back a little to lean up, taekwoon tilting his head just in time for their lips to press together. it’s a bit clumsy, taekwoon’s free hand letting go of hongbin’s to come up and cup his face while they adjust the angle a little.

 

“wait,” taekwoon says when they pull back a little, his breath warm against hongbin’s lips.

 

before hongbin can prepare to apologize, taekwoon reaches over to put his cigarette out, both his cold hands coming up to hongbin’s face this time and hongbin wants to say something, but he can’t figure out what, and every set of words he can think of dies in his throat.

 

“how drunk are you,” taekwoon whispers, eyes flickering from hongbin’s own down to his lips.

 

“not very,” hongbin replies under his breath, his heart beating so fast he’s surprised he’s not stuttering.

 

“me neither.”

 

taekwoon’s voice is low and steady, and hongbin’s fingers tingle as he reaches up to pull taekwoon in closer by the back of his neck, their lips meeting again in a slower kiss. cold fingers run around to the back of hongbin’s neck, a cold thumb his cheek as he arches his neck to push in a little closer, tasting taekwoon’s chapped lips with his own and letting taekwoon press small kisses to his bottom lip. startled by a noise from the kitchen, they pull back again and taekwoon lets their foreheads rest against each other as he curls his fingers in hongbin’s hair.

 

“i want to explain but..,” hongbin’s voice breaks and he clears his throat with en embarrassed smile. “maybe later.”

 

“later,” taekwoon repeats, averting hongbin’s glance and pursing his lips after their eyes meet. there’s a tenseness in his cheeks that hongbin could recognize regardless of the circumstances, lips pressed together to stifle a smile, and his chest is exploding.

 

“i love you,” he says, and it really just slips, quiet words against taekwoon’s mouth, but the other only eyes him for a second before he replies.

 

“i love you too.”

 

jaehwan knocks something to the floor in the kitchen and all hongbin does is laugh, burying his burning hot face in taekwoon’s chest as he tries to catch his breath, and taekwoon presses a kiss to his temple before he grabs him by the shoulders and leads him back inside.

 

 

(“i’ve missed you so much,” taekwoon says later, his hands still cold as they wrap around the back of hongbin’s neck, the tips of their noses brushing against each other as hongbin goes in for another kiss.

 

it’s slow and they’re not going anywhere in particular, one of taekwoon’s hands dropping to the small of hongbin’s back while hongbin treads his fingers through taekwoon’s hair, runs the tips of them down the length of taekwoon’s throat and wraps them around the back of his neck as they kiss. taekwoon still tastes like licorice on hongbin’s tongue, licorice and mint, and he savors it with every slow of their mouths, every time taekwoon’s tongue pushes in between hongbin’s lips against his own.)

 

 

saying goodbye is worse than hongbin thought it’d be, even when taekwoon has checked his bag in and hongbin buys them coffee that they drink at a table by one of the countless windows stretching from floor to ceiling. taekwoon winds his foot around hongbin’s ankle between their chairs and hongbin really can’t stop leaning in and resting his head against taekwoon’s shoulder. time moves slowly, they came two hours early, but hongbin doesn’t exactly mind. he can’t go with taekwoon past the security check so they sit at the coffee shop table, moving their chairs closer together and taking sleepy selfies with both their phones, hongbin choosing one where they’re both buried in their scarves to post right away.

 

“did you take a bad one?,” taekwoon mumbles, still sunken into his scarf as he leans into hongbin’s shoulder.

 

“no, this,” hongbin replies and shows him the screen, taekwoon snorting and laughing quietly to himself as he pushes hongbin’s phone away.

 

“fair enough,” he sighs, leaning up closer to hongbin and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

 

while it has dawned on hongbin that this is real, he still feels the butterflies in his stomach fluttering like mad whenever taekwoon’s skin touches his, and he’s not about to complain.

 

 

 

“i’ll text you when i land,” taekwoon says when their lips break apart, pressing a reassuring kiss to hongbin’s parted lips when he finishes the sentence.

 

“yeah i know, it’s just..,” hongbin purses his lips, pulling back a little to wipe at his eyes before leaning back into taekwoon’s body.

 

“i know,” taekwoon mutters, swallowing dryly and pulling hongbin into his arms again, burying his face in his shoulder and curling his fingers into hongbin’s jacket.

 

‘it’s only six months’ hongbin tells himself as he hugs taekwoon goodbye by the security check line, and that’s what keeps the lump in his throat from getting its way. wonsik meets up with him after he gets off the train back later, throwing an arm over his shoulders and explaining that they’re going back to hongbin’s place and that wonsik is going to make him dinner.

 

“you’ll be okay, right? it’s only six months.”

 

“yeah, i guess,” hongbin shrugs, the lump in his throat evident in his voice, and wonsik holds him a little closer, offers him a cigarette.

 

 

(it’s going to sleep that night with taekwoon’s fragrance still laced into his sheets that hurts the most, but hongbin it up, opens the window by his bed to sit on his knees with a cigarette between his fingers, pulling in long drags and thinking about how this snow will be long gone when taekwoon comes back.)