‘What am I doing?’

 

‘What. Am. I. Doing?’

 

‘WHAT AM I DOING?!’

 

The question keeps playing in Hongbin’s head as he makes his way from the fourth floor dark room to the basement level classrooms. The kitchen, dark rooms, and a few composition rooms make up the fourth floor of the fine arts building. The third and second hold only composition/recording rooms and the first floor multiple dance studios. The basement level of the building is the only floor that shows any qualities of a university building. Classrooms and staff offices are all crammed on the bottom floor.

 

It’s been a while since Hongbin has had to take the elevator to the basement level. Usually he’s straight to the top. Sometimes, he’ll pop in and greet his roommate Wonsik in his composition room on the third floor, but recently it’s been an immediate walk to the dark rooms.

 

Even when Hongbin had general courses to take most of them were located outside of the fine arts building. He thinks a few art history courses were in the largest of the three classrooms, but it’s been so long ago and Hongbin has been in so many classrooms in his life it’s hard telling what course he learned where. Once you’ve been in one classroom you’ve seen them all, right?

 

The elevator is a long lonely ride. Most students opt for the stairs, not even aware of the elevator option. The building staff would much rather see their funds go into all of the equipment for their students, which Hongbin is not complaining about.

 

63.

 

Hongbin has asked himself the question 63 times by the time the elevator finally makes it to the bottom floor.

 

What are you doing, Hongbin, we all want to know by now.

 

Is this course required for your major, Hongbin?

 

Is there a reason why you missed the orientation for the course, Hongbin?

 

Do you even have the required text for the class, Hongbin?

 

All answers are no. Hongbin tires of the accusations in his head and opens the door to the classroom. He tried to make it a few minutes before the class starts so he can have his choice of seating and hopefully blend in as the other students made their way in.

 

Hongbin should have anticipated that his fellow classmates might have similar thoughts. The classroom is more like a mini lecture hall. The seats are raised the farther they go up. Four large sliding blackboards are hung behind the professor’s desk. Although this means there are more seats available for Hongbin to choose from, more than half are already filled.

 

Mostly the front and back rows, as well as all seats at the ends are taken. Leaving Hongbin to squeeze his way past way too talkative students. Once he sits down he’s greeted by one of the girls to his left.

 

Her name is Jiyoo, what’s his name?

 

What year is he?

 

What school does he plan on joining?

 

Instead of answering, Hongbin nods and gives his polite greeting, then turns towards the front of the room. He doesn’t mean to come off as rude, but again, Hongbin should have anticipated this situation.

 

This is what Hongbin gets for signing up for a first year course.

 

First year students arrive early to their classes, making sure the room isn’t magically 5 minutes fast and the class will start without them. First year students are anxious to make connections and form friendships with other first year students. Had Hongbin disclosed he is actually a third year student he’d probably have his own fanclub by the time the class is over. What would they call themselves? The Beans? Dimples? You can only join the club if a friend joins?

 

He’s thankful when more students fill the middle and even more thankful when he sees the professor walk in.

 

So what is Hongbin doing here?

 

Hongbin finds himself smiling at how different his Taekwoon hyung looks in front of a crowd. He’s wearing an outfit Hongbin has seen him in a million times by now, but there’s a more professional air to him, now. His hair is a little neater than usual, but other than that he looks how he normally looks to Hongbin, perfect—ly fine. He’s perfectly fine.  There’s a smile on his face as he greets the class. They all respond with enthusiasm. As he sets up his books and pulls the black board he wants he continues interacting with the class. He asks about their first week of the new session. Asks how excited they are they are close to finishing their first year of university.

 

Hongbin is tempted to respond as well. But he doesn’t want to bring attention to himself. Not that Taekwoon would recognize Hongbin’s voice over all of these other students, right? That’s the last thing he wants to do. He made sure the class size was too large for Taekwoon to take roll call for attendance. Sure, he might have to sign his name on a piece of paper, but hopefully by then he will have the chance to explain to Taekwoon why he enrolled in his class.

 

Once he thinks of a logical reason, that is.

 

Taekwoon throws a question out and all the students around Hongbin answer. He notices shuffling of papers and students digging out their notebooks. He looks over a Jiyoo, his newfound friend, and notices she’s pulling out a paper titled ‘Assignment 1’.

 

Taekwoon already assigned homework!? Already!?

 

“Who would like to read theirs aloud?”

 

Hongbin is surprised at how many hands raise so quickly. Jiyoo’s hand is stretched so far she’s practically standing in her chair to be noticed. This causes Hongbin to slouch a little in his seat. He can’t risk being caught out of the corner of Taekwoon’s eye should he choose Jiyoo.

 

Thankfully, Taekwoon calls on a few students, but not Jiyoo. The rest of the class runs smoothly for Hongbin. He finds himself even taking notes on some things Taekwoon points out. He’s never thought of composing himself, but thinks to himself hell, if he can take a picture he can compose a song, right?

 

The class ends with a small writing exercise. Hongbin forgot that he would actually have to work in the class, so he’s a little unprepared when Taekwoon writes the topic on the board. As if all the students know the drill, they begin writing. The first minute is used looking for a blank piece of paper and a pencil to write. The middle three minutes are used freaking out, the sudden realization that Taekwoon will be the one reading everything Hongbin produces finally hits him. The final minute of the exercise consists of words Hongbin isn’t sure should ever go together being thrown on the page.

 

“Alright, that’s all for today. Please come down and hand in your exercises, then, you’re free to go.”

 

What?

 

Hand in… what Hongbin just wrote?

 

Hongbin didn’t think to write his name at the top and has fully convinced himself he can get away with turning in the paper without being recognized. Thank god he’s wearing a hoodie today and one of Wonsik’s beanies.

 

He stands in line and tries to emulate some of the first year students with something to prove. Don’t look at me, just look at my work. At least that what he thinks they’re going for.  Some of them didn’t even remove their sunglasses during class. Rude.

 

The closer he gets to Taekwoon the more confident he’s become. He watches Taekwoon silently bow each time a paper is handed to him, so he doesn’t really make eye contact with any student at all.

 

When it’s Hongbin’s turn he almost shoves the paper in Taekwoon’s hands. He doesn’t wait for Taekwoon to wish him a good day or even wait for Taekwoon to stop him. If he does happen to recognize the younger boy Hongbin will feign ignorance. He was running late to another class, or, he forgot he had film developing in the dark room.

 

“Thanks, Bin-ah.”

 

He turns around to catch Taekwoon watching him. He’s still nodding and accepting papers, but his eyes are focused on the third year student. Hongbin shrugs his shoulders in defeat. He’s caught. He can’t hide from the teacher all year, can he?

 

“And Binnie,” Taekwoon stops Hongbin from leaving the classroom again. By this time the two boys are the only ones left in the room. Hongbin waits for Taekwoon to continue. He’s got something to say, causing Hongbin’s heart rate to speed at the even the thought of what Taekwoon might say next. Will he ask him why he enrolled in his class? Will he ask him to lunch?

 

“I noticed you didn’t raise your hand to share your first assignment.”

 

“Oh, well, um.” He’s caught again. He’s about to confess that he did not complete the assignment when Taekwoon hands him a paper copy of the syllabus along with the assignment sheet.

 

“Teachers like students who participate.”

 

On the elevator ride back up to his dark room Hongbin wonders if he can steal something of Wonsik’s so he doesn’t feel stupid raising his hand next class and sharing his own work.