J-Hope's Journal

I'm worry about us.

It's no use, Henry-ssi. All of my lucky charms don't work against the Evil Spirits. Not L.U.C.K.. Not H.O.P.E.. Not R.E.L.A.X..Not G.O.O.D.. Nothing works!

I thought I wouldn’t need them anymore, but now you’re gone.

Session #5

The boys walk in and find two soldiers standing as straight as the telephone poles. Jin avoids meeting their unwavering eyes as he slithers to his seat. The others stare the familiar men in camouflage uniforms in utter disbelief. Only Jimin has the gut to take a step forward. His nostrils flare, "How dare you show your faces in front of us, weirdos?!"

Luhan blows on his whistle all of a sudden and makes Jimin jumps backward. "Do not talk to your superior in that rude manner!" Luhan screeches.

"Fifty push-ups!" Xiumin orders.

"What?!" Jimin was incredulous.

"A HUNDRED PUSH-UPS! Drop it!"

To everyone else's amazement and shock, Jimin slowly bends over. Hands supporting his small frame, he does push-ups.

Luhan's grin is cynical. He surveys the herd of sheeps in front of him, "Too bad Henry is 'sick' or he's quitting," J-Hope gasps at the "q" word. "Before he comes back (if he ever does), you are in our good hands." Luhan and Xiumin look at each other and chortle, as if they share the world's biggest joke. In this case, Namjoon supposes that they are.

Xiumin squats down before Jimin while he's doing the third push-up. "Violence!" he barks. “‘Violence happens because…?’”

Jimin plops down on the floor, "...What?"

"Complete the sentence!"

"Violence happens because of me!" Jimin blurts out without thinking.

“‘Jimin who is violent toward others is trying to…?’”

“Trying to be in charge!”

“Someone I have trouble communicating with is…?”

“Henry, J-Hope, Namjoon, Jin, Yoongi,” Jimin grunts when he lifts himself up, “Everyone!”

The boys are gaping at Jimin now. They can’t decide if it is Jimin’s confession or his weak muscles that are flabbergasting.

“What I really need is....?”

“To punch the jackass who’s bossing me around in the face!”

“One-hundred-and-fifty push-ups!” Xiumin bellows, “‘What I really need is…?’”

“I don’t ing know what I really need!”

Jimin doesn’t see Taehyung’s pitying expression, but J-Hope does.

“‘What I wish people would understand about me is…?’”

Jimin collapses on the ground, panting. “Leave him alone,” Taehyung speaks up.

Xiumin’s sly eyes switch from Jimin to Taehyung, “You. Take his place.” The soldier looks down at Jimin again, "Go back to your seat."

Jimin picks up his exhausted body off the ground after ten push-ups. He squeezes Taehyung’s shoulder on the way back after giving Xiumin a glare. J-Hope throws protective arms around him and Jimin doesn’t push him away this time.

“Fifty push-ups,” Xiumin orders Taehyung. He drops to the floor, “‘Violence happens because…?’”

“‘Violence happens because we don’t understand each other.’”

“‘Someone who is violent toward others is trying to...?’”

“Someone who is violent toward others is trying to tell them that he’s scared,” Taehyung meets eyes with Jimin briefly, then does another push-up.

“What I really need is....?”

“What I really need is not being a burden to everyone around me.”

“You’re not a ing burden,” Jimin yells, “Why don’t you get that?!”

The boys shift in their seats uncomfortably. They sweep their eyes over at Taehyung, then their eyes wander.

Xiumin narrows his eyes at Jimin, “‘What I wish people would understand about me is…?’”

“What I wish people would understand about me is that I’m just like them.”

“Very good. You might go now.”

Taehyung’s expression is stoic when he walks back to his seat. He refuses to acknowledge that Jimin’s face is boiling red.

"So, who’s next?" Xiumin looks for his next victim.

"That pretty boy over there," Luhan picks Jin.

Jin is visibly shaking. Namjoon holds him down before Jin’s knees will give out. "I’ll go."

Luhan snickers, "So you're the heroic type too? Very well. Fifty burpees."

Jin watches Namjoon taking a spot in the centre of the room. He jumps as high as he can, then drops to the floor to do one push-up. And then he does mountain climbers to complete a routine. He jumps again to start the second round.

“Don’t just starw at him,” Luhan snaps at Jin, “Fifty burpees.”

Namjoon curses under his already shallow breath. He hears Jin taking a space next to him without looking up.

“I will ask the both of you: ‘weakness happens because…?’”

“...it’s human nature,” Namjoon finishes. His freshly-polished leather shoes scrape the floor. His gelled and meticulously groomed hair fall into his eyes.

“Jin?”

Jin swallows hard. He feels a hundred pairs of eyes watching him. His mouth feels like Sahara Desert. He also feels a strong clammy hand covers his own weak one. He takes a shuddery breath. He answers the question.

“Repeat! I couldn’t hear you.”

“...because...,” Jin speaks up this time, “Weakness happens because I have…” he feels a squeeze to his hand, “... social anxiety disorder.”

The room holds its breath. Yoongi is about to shout “I knew it!” but that will embarrass Jin even more. So they all keep their lips sealed.

Luhan, on the other hand, ignores the subtle shift in the atmosphere, “‘Someone who is silent is trying to…?’”

Namjoon huffs, “He is trying to hide something.”

Luhan raises an eyebrow, “Jin?”

“He is trying to find his voice.”

The spectators situate in the circle peer at one another. The air in their lungs are emptied out to an invisible vacuum, imploding them from within.

A ghost slides past Luhan and lifts the corners of his lips for a millimeter, “‘What I really need is....?’”

Namjoon thinks that he’s on fire now that every muscles are straining, “I don’t need anything.”

“‘What I really need is....?’”

Namjoon growls, “I don’t need anything.”

“Go face a corner, Kim Namjoon,” Luhan commends coldly, “until you know what you need.”

Namjoon stops in the middle of his twenty-second  burpee. He looks at Jin encouragingly before finding his punishing corner. Jin suddenly loses all the anchor.

Luhan turns his attention to Jin, “‘What I really need is?’”

Jin breathes in. He breathes out, “I really need the stage.”

The boys share puzzled looks. “What do you mean?” J-Hope asks, “What stage?” Taehyung shrugs. It can’t be a stage with spotlight, right? Not when Jin has social anxiety disorder.

“‘What I wish people would understand about me is…?’”

Jin loses track how many burpees he did or that his lungs are screaming for him to cease all movement. I wish people would understand that I act? That I don’t want to be scared of the stage? That I don’t want want to be scared in general? That I wish I’m never here?

That I wish I can disappear?

Jin’s arms give out under him. His whole body hits the dirty floor. His eyes are shut naturally. He is barely breathing.

“Jin,” Luhan probs his foot at his stomach, “Stop pretending.”

Jin keeps his eyes shut. He concentrates on his breathing like he is meditating.

“Look what you did to him!” Jimin yells, “You guys are monsters!”

“Jin!” Luhan shouts. Though his voice is even, there is an edge of panic seeping through. “I said ‘stop pretending!’”

Out of nowhere, Namjoon shoves Luhan away from Jin who is still lying on the ground, “Don’t ing touch him!” he yells.

The rest of the group get to their feet. They are all closing onto Xiumin and Luhan now. Jimin cracks his knuckles. Taehyung is stretching his toes, ready for a good kick.Yoongi aims his eraser slingshot at the losers. Taehyung rolls up his thick Classical Korean textbook as weapon. J-Hope pulls back his Flowery Orange Red Truffle Umbrella N’ Apple Tart Eggplant into position. Jungkook freaks them out by walking like a zombie.

Jin smirks when the sweet screams of regret and terror echo in his ears.

You see how terrible Xiumin and Luhan were? We were all traumatized and became more messed up in the heads!  I’m really upset with you, Henry-ssi. I never would have thought that you would send those Evil Spirits after us for the second time! If you want us to forgive you, please come back!

I don't want to give us up, Henry-ssi, but we need you.

***

"We aren't going up to your room?" Taehyung asks Namjoon quizzically.

"No!" he shouts which causes Taehyung to raise his eyebrows. "Um... My stink will kill you," his cheekbones are tinted in pink.

"Alright..." Taehyung throws down his bag on the kitchen floor instead marching past Namjoon’s defensive line. He pulls out his Classical Korean workbooks out and sits on one of the dining chairs, "Sorry for intruding," Taehyung says to no one in particular.

Namjoon sits from opposite of his "student", "No problem, man. Since Jungkook is... unavailable... and Jimin doesn't do anything productive."

Taehyung glances up from his books, "Jimin is really not as bad as you think."

Namjoon gawks at him stupidly, "...Um...sorry... I shouldn't have badmouthed your friend," he thinks back to the last session they had with XiuHan, it was obvious that Taehyung really gets Jimin and Jimin knows Taehyung’s weakness too. Who is Namjoon to judge their dynamic friendship? He clears his throat. "Let's just start. Do you have any question about Confucius?"

The first ten minutes of the tutoring session goes on without trouble. But after eleven minutes, words are blurred before Taehyung's eyes. Namjoon repeats the same sentence for the third time, "Taehyung, are you listening?"

"Hmmm...? What did you say?"

Namjoon sighs, "How about we take a five-minute break?"

"Okay!" Taehyung jumps from his seat instantly. "Can I go explore?"

Namjoon nods, "But stay away from my room."

Taehyung is already gone, "Whoa! Your backyard is huge!" his excited voice echoes through Namjoon's house. Namjoon chuckles lowly. He glances at the clock on the wall. Taehyung has only arrived for fifteen minutes and they are having a break - it's going to be a long day.

After Taehyung has convinced Namjoon that sugar won't make him anymore hyper than he already is, they kick off their shoes and idle around the deck overlooking the sea of swaying grass. They on their orange creamsicle sticks in peace.

"Mhmm, this is nice," Taehyung sighs between bites, "Let's call it a day."

Namjoon pokes him in the side, "You only did five-minute of work."

"That's a lot already!" Taehyung pouts, "Please?"

Namjoon shoves his head to one side, "Aigoo, how did Jungkook tutor you all these time?"

"'Cause he's nice?"

"Yeah, he's nice," Namjoon’s smile slips, "What happened to him?" he asks the spring air. Some faraway birds sing him a hollow answer. The only other sound that's alive is Taehyung slurping on his creamsicle.

"He lost his dictionary," Taehyung says at last.

"A dictionary?"

"He lost the one he wrote."

Namjoon his cold treat thoughtfully. He thinks back to the brief time he knows Jungkook. He does speak weirdly, like he's constantly referring to definitions from a dictionary. A growing pain of curiosity seeps through his brain, "It must be very precious to him."

"Mmmhmm," Taehyung shaves the stick clean with his tongue. To Namjoon's disappointment, he says no more about Jungkook and his dictionary. “What about you? What do you care about the most? What’s precious to you?”

Namjoon turns to look at Taehyung. He sighs when he thinks he lost him.

“My family.”

Namjoon hums, accepting his earnest answer, “Is that why you’re still in this group?”

Taehyung nods, “I want to get better for them.”

“Not for yourself?”

“Maybe not? Maybe? If my family feels better, I’ll feel better too.”

Namjoon can’t help but smile. Maybe he underestimated this kid. Maybe he underestimated a lot things too.

“What about you?” Taehyung asks.

The answer he told Henry is on the tip of Namjoon’s tongue. He will tell him that he cares for the title of “the Most Handsome Stud” at Yonsei High. He wants all the girls to fawn over his charismatic good-look. But he doesn’t tell Taehyung that. He will be a cheater after Taehyung has shared some of his world with him. “I don’t know,” Namjoon feels like a dirty cheater.

“I hope you’ll find out before the therapy program is over.”

“Me too,” he hopes he can be honest before the program is over. Namjoon flings his own bare stick to the grass, "Let's go back to studying!" he pulls Taehyung on his feet and he trips over his shoe. Namjoon catches him in his arms, "Woah, you okay?"

"Achoo!" Taehyung angles his face from Namjoon, "Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Ach-"

Namjoon wraps a medical mask around Taehyung’s mouth. He stops sneezing right away. Namjoon admires his handiwork, "There, Cheshire Cat, you have a new best friend," he pinches his cheek.

Taehyung raises his brows, unaware that a teethful of smile is drawn on the blank mask.

***

“‘Mental breakdown happens because…?’”

Jungkook is immobile on the bench, waiting for the bus to bring him home. Or not, Yoongi guesses. Maybe he is just sitting here, waiting for alien heads to rain all over us when global warming gets too bad, like one of King Jimin’s infamous conspiracy theories would say. Jungkook looks straight ahead.

Yoongi pokes his side with something. Jungkook sluggishly rotates his gaze onto to the royal blue notebook. His gaze is transfixed there for ten minutes. His bus comes. And goes.

Yoongi gulps, unnerved, “This is not the dictionary that you used to have, but you can write a new one.”

A sob is bubbling in Jungkook’s chest. He hugs the new notebook close to his heart. He hiccups into his arms. Tears wetted the covers. He heaves, “It’s not the same...” his voice hitches, “...I want my dad.”

Yoongi clumsily slings an arm over his quivering shoulders. Jungkook buries his running nose in Yoongi’s white shirt. Yoongi watches Jungkook’s bus comes. And goes.