Even after all this time, it still hurt. No, hurt was not the correct word. Hurt was easy, soft, a word meant for skirting around the issue. A word used to say, “I’m sorry I hurt you” without feeling bad about the real pain a person is experiencing. It did not hurt.

            It stung. Stung, but not like an insect. At least those wounds healed. No, it stung like the tip of a knife pressed against his chest, pushing closer and closer with each passing second. It had not harmed him, at least not yet, because he kept taking steps back. But he knew, any time now, he would back up against the wall, and the knife would finally find purchase in his heart.

            Watching him there, lifting up the gold lid of a pot of ramen and smiling with reserved glee at the food’s smell and appearance, the knife pushed a centimeter closer. He could not help but marvel at how lucky the boy was; Jun would never, ever feel the pain he was feeling, because he would never tell the boy how his heart raced when their eyes met. He would never grip the handle of the knife and force it in all the way. Instead, he let the tip press into his chest, let the pain be a constant reminder of everything he refused to ruin.

            “Hyung!” The boy’s voice broke his reverie. “Do you want to split this ramen?”

            “No thanks, I ate already. Besides, I don’t want to look puffy in the morning.” Jun did not see the bittersweet edge in SooHyun’s smile. Instead, the boy shrugged, brought the ramen to the table, and sat down across from the leader. SooHyun watched as he slurped at the noodles, glad that the boy was at least eating well. Even if he wasn’t eating the best food, he was still enthusiastic about it, and that was what mattered.

            When Jun had slurped down the last bit of ramen from the pot, he looked up at SooHyun with a wide smile on his face. SooHyun looked down at the wooden table. “Hyung!”

            “Mm?” SooHyun kept his eyes glued to a swirl in the wood. The knife pushed closer.

            “Teach me that song?” Even though he wasn’t looking, SooHyun knew the boy’s eyes were glittering with hope. Excitement. He could hear it in his voice.

            “Which one?” He was hesitant, because he knew that giving into Jun’s demand immediately, actually going through with it, would simply make everything worse. Make his pain worse.

            “Like a Fool. That one! It’s so pretty! Please, hyung?”

            SooHyun chose the wrong moment to allow his eyes to flicker back to the boy, because right at that moment, Jun was sporting the most endearing puppy pout the leader had ever seen. How could he ever deny the boy? He couldn’t. “Alright… do you know the words?” Jun nodded, his pout melting into an even larger, wider smile than before. “So the most important part is the first line. You have to be gentle, and let the emotion build through the first verse slowly. Okay? Like this.”

            With a deep inhale, SooHyun sang the first part of the song. After that, he went through each part, explaining as briefly as possible the emotions and inflections that were most important, following each with a demonstration. He could not help but steal a few glances at Jun, who sat there the whole time nodding along attentively. With each passing moment, the knife pressed closer, and SooHyun knew he would have to withdraw soon if he wanted to keep their precious relationship intact.

            When SooHyun finished his teaching, Jun took a deep breath. “Can I try now?” The leader nodded.

            Jun’s eyes fluttered shut. He inhaled once more, opened his mouth, and began. His voice was soft yet steeped with the emotion as he sang, “If it's next to you, if it's you, I wouldn't mind being a fool that only knows tears. How come I am here in front of you and you still can't see me?”

            There it was. The knife became persistent, pressing as hard as it could into SooHyun’s chest. He could feel the blood rushing through his veins, could see his toes skirting the edge of a cliff, and he knew he had taken one step too far. As the tears spilled out of his eyes, the knife found its sheath in his heart and he felt himself fall. He let out an unwitting, soft, strangled noise, and Jun halted mid-sentence.

            “H-hyung, are you okay?” In two strides, he was beside SooHyun, and he kneeled down on the ground to be at eye level with the leader.

            SooHyun wanted to turn away. He wanted to look the other direction, to wipe his tears and shrug and pass his little episode off as a surprised reaction to Jun’s singing. To make some joke about how the boy was a quick learner. To move on. But whatever mysterious being held the handle of the knife that kept him captive would have none of that. The knife twisted and, in the jolt of pain, SooHyun coughed out a swift, soft “I love you.”

            Silence filled the room. Warm tears continued to slide down SooHyun’s face as he searched the boy’s eyes for some sign of… he didn’t know what. Just… something. Something to make him hope.

            But Jun was frozen. A blank look had washed over his face, and it was as if he was seeing straight through SooHyun. It hurt, realizing the boy did not know what to think. But he could not erase his words, so the leader simply sat there, waiting.

            Finally, after what felt akin to an eternity, Jun’s gaze came back in to focus. “Hyung…” There were words, SooHyun could see them teasing the boy’s mouth, but Jun could not seem to hang on to them. And SooHyun could think of nothing to help. The boy’s lips moved slowly, searching for the words, until he realized they were not there any longer.

            With a soft sigh, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to SooHyun’s.

            In an instant, the knife was wrenched from the leader’s chest, and the gaping wound it left filled with what could only be described as light. His eyes fluttered shut, and he relished in the taste of tears and Jun’s lips.

            It was over too soon. Yet when the boy pulled away, and they both gasped for air, SooHyun knew it was not, in fact, the end.