My name is Kim Jieun, I was diagnosed of cancer when I was 8. Well, living is quite hard as I kept on going inside and out of the hospital because of therapies. Since then, I never had a chance to go out like a normal girl would do. Like strolling in the streets under the sun, lying down on the sand near the beach, or even sitting on a grass having picnic. I wasted my youth because of my illness however, I understood that all of those must be avoided so that I'll live. I feel sorry for my mom and dad, it's not like we're financially unstable I just thought that it might have been nice if they had a daughter who's normal. It they did, they shouldn't have been crying ever time I scream in pain, they shouldn't have been staying up all night to watch me while I'm sleeping, and they shouldn't force themselves to say that everything is going to be alright. I've always wanted them to let me die but I can't let those words out of my mouth for a reason that they're doing their very best to take good care of me.

 

One day, the doctor wanted to see me. I was rather looking forward for my results however, it was expected. The doctor said that I only have three months to live and I have no chance of living. When the doctor said that to me, I gratefully smiled at him and closed my eyes in relief. I was kind of prepared anyway. At last, I'm going to die! I won't be able to give my parents any hardships anymore and I won't be able to feel pain anymore. The doctor told my parents and they were crying hard like I'm already dead but I'm not dead yet! I'm just dying.

 

For a dying person like me, if I'm in a movie obviously I would write the things I wanted to do before I die but I'm not in a movie, I'm in my reality. Now, I'm 22 years old, I am living my life to the fullest and my parents has given me the freedom of three months and I'm living alone somewhere.

 

FIRST MONTH:

 

I woke up as the sound of the breeze keeps on blowing on my window's wind chime, I stretched out my arms and admired the lovely sun. Every morning, I would ride my bicycle to exercise the wind that touches my cheeks, the sun's heat that burns my skin, and the same air that other people breathe. It felt nice, acting like a normal person. I pedaled fast, expecting that the wind would blow a little stronger. The wind got stronger and that made me unable to see the road. I wasn't able to see a downhill and my bike went  down zooming, I closed my eyes hard and was expecting to fall on somewhere but as I opened my right eye, I saw a tall, matured man stopped my bike. I smelled the coffee that fell on the road and I saw his worried expression. I quickly got off my bike and bowed at him.

 

"Are you okay?" he asked, worried.

 

"Yes, I'm so sorry ahjussi" I gulped.

 

"Don't worry about it, I'm just glad you're okay," he gently smiled.

 

He was about to walk away but I grabbed his shirt.

 

"Ahjussi, is it okay if I replace your coffee?"

 

He looked at me and brightly smiled. I bought him the same coffee that fell on the road, but as we were walking I notice him limping. I gave him the coffee and soaked my handkerchief with cold water in the fountain. He sat on the bench while taking a sip on his coffee, I gently tied his ankle with my handkerchief but he insisted on leaving it alone.

 

"Please, it's my fault so I have to take responsibility.." I said.

 

His eyes softened and he allowed me to tie his ankle with my handkerchief.

He was smiling while closing his eyes, I sat beside him and I just can't help but to stare at such a handsome scenery up close. He looked back at me, it seems like he noticed that I was staring at him, he playfully smiled as I avoided his gaze.

 

"What's your name?" he questioned as he took a sip on his coffee.

 

"Kim Jieun.." I muttered.

 

"Nice to meet you, I'm Lee Dongwook" he grinned.

 

"Ah.. Dongwook ahjussi.." I nodded.

 

"Yah! Ahjussi?! I'm not that old for you to call me ahjussi.." He complained.

 

"Eh? I'm 22 years old so that clearly states you're an ahjussi.." I explained.

 

"Yah! I'm only 33 years old! I should be still included as an oppa." He pointed.

 

"I think so, but ahjussi still suits you ..." I giggled.

 

He laughed as I kept on insisting that he's an ahjussi. Dongwook ahjussi must have find me really amusing. He was the first person that laughed at my jokes, I never tell jokes to anyone not even my parents. Dongwook ahjussi told me that he was a celebrity I didn't believed him at first but as I searched him on the internet he really do have the same face as the actor Lee Dongwook. We became unexpectedly close, we spent a lot of time talking about almost nothing everyday, and he was thee first guy that I carried on my bike (GOSH! He was heavy)  but I was still happy because, Dongwook ahjussi is my first friend.

 

 

SECOND MONTH

 

"YAH! Kim Jieun!" Dongwook ahjussi shouted outside of my door.

 

I got up still half asleep, I opened the door and saw him fuming in anger.

 

"Ahjussi, do you know what time it is now? I yawned.

 

"Yah! Do you want to die?! Who's the person that suggested to watch the sunrise today?!" He shouted.

 

"I really don't have an idea," I yawned louder.

 

But suddenly, he grabbed my waist and kissed my  forehead. That kiss made me fully awake! He smirked as he saw my flustered expression. I quickly grabbed a jacket and went out of my house, he grabbed my hand and we were running fast. I've always knew that I like Dongwook ahjussi but I know that he only sees me as his little sister. Well, my life in the beginning anyway so, even if it makes me look like a little pathetic I'll stay with ahjussi while it's not my expiry date.

 

We arrived at the beach, it was kind of a little chilly but my hands felt warm because he was holding it. We sat on the bench facing the sea. The sun started to rise, a small smile appeared slowly in my face and I ended up staring at him again when I was suppose to watch the sunrise.

 

"It's beautiful isn't it?" he smiled while he was watching what's in front of him.

 

"Yeah, It's beautiful.." I agreed while I was watching what's beside me.

 

I was planning on telling Dongwook ahjussi that I'm dying however, I can't seem to make myself say these words, "I love you but I'm dying.." There's a part of me that wanted to say it but still, I was hoping that those days that I'm with Dongwook ahjussi will stay as a happy memory. Every single day a life is taken away from me, every single day I can feel my body breaking piece by piece, every single day ever since I met him I wish I had more time to live.

 

THIRD MONTH

 

It's my last month, I still wasn't able to say anything to him. I'm still pretending that I'm strong and I'm not in pain. I'm still pretending to be his friend while I secretly love him. I know, my time is almost up but these past two months I was hoping that he had the same feelings for me, that he loves me. My life right? I'm not even sure if I'm still prepared to die. I'm scared to say goodbye.

 

I'm going home today, I left my house keys inside Dongwook ahjussi's mail box. I hope he'll notice that I'm gone, I hope he'll miss me like I'm going to miss him, and I hope he'll know my feelings for him. What should I do? I'm leaving and I won't be able to see you again. My hear is breaking and my tears kept on falling. "Help me, Dongwook......"

 

-----

 

Today, Kim Jieun is gone I'm not sure what just happened. I kept on hoping that this is just a sick dream but it seems like its real, because no matter how much I say it's a dream it's making me realize that this is reality. Before she left, she left me her house keys, I went to her house. As I came inside I found an arrow on the floor that has writings on it.

 

FIRST ARROW

     Thank you for coming into my life

    Ahjussi...

 

I took a step and found an another arrow.

 

SECOND ARROW

                            I'm sorry....

 

As I took another step I found the last arrow.

 

THIRD ARROW

    Please read this notebook...

 

And then I found her journal lying on the table. I opened it and read the  first page.

 

Dear Dongwook,

If you're reading this journal that only means I'm gone. I'm sorry for giving you something unpleasant, if you don't want to read this journal any further I'll be fine if you throw it away but if you ever continue to read it I'm very thankful. Dongwook ahjussi, did you cry?

 

"Yes! I cried!" I muttered as a tear dropped from my eyes.

 

I'm sorry if I made you cry, I'm not really sure if I should tell you that I'm dying because I don't want to be remembered by you as a painful memory but I want you to remember me as a happy memory. Ahjussi, do you still remember the first day that we met? I was really happy when I met you and became your friend, I really don't know if you were happy that time but I was. Dongwook ahjussi, stop crying. If only I'm there to comfort you I'll allow you to cry but I'm not there anymore so, don't cry. Ahjussi, I love you, not as a friend but as a woman who admires your charms. I thought that it would make you uncomfortable if I tell you my feelings but in the end you knew. Do you feel uncomfortable?

 

"No, I'm happy that you love me.." I cried.

 

You know ahjussi, I really wanted to tell you that I'm dying but it seems like when I'm with you I'm slowly healing. I know I won't be able to hear you but, Dongwook ahjussi I just want to know your answer to this question. Do you love me?

 

"I do! I love you" I cried as I hugged her journal tighter.

 

 

SECOND MONTH AGO...

When we were watching the sunrise together as the sun raised completely you helplessly fell back to sleep. You were leaning your head on my shoulders and then I was holding your hands tight. My heart started racing as I can smell your  hair tickling on my face. I'm happy every time when I'm with you, my heart flutters when you smile and laugh, and I want to say I love you every night you sleep. Even though it's already morning I whispered it into your ear clearly and said, "I love you Kim Jieun.." after that I kissed your lips on your sleep.

 

 

"I've always loved you! I'm sorry for being late!" I cried.

 

Everyday, that girl named Kim Jieun has filled my day with her words and pictures inside her journal. I never miss a day without reading her journal and I always stare at those pictures of her smiling brightly so that I'll remember that, this girl is Kim Jieun the girl that I love.