CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: Maroon diatribe

The next morning, a lieutenant went to the Major's office to submit a report. He found Major Lee dead, with a Colt pistol that the North Koreans used beside his head. The news spread fast. The outpost was put on high alert. A search party was formed. No one definite was found.

Military policemen flew in from Seongnam. In two days, they compiled a very short list of suspects. With her history and motive, Taeyeon's name was on it. They questioned her for two hours. The questioning had been very tame. Nothing more than sitting across a table and just talking. The MPs had read her medical report but done nothing with it. They were not about to mistreat their war hero in the off chance she was the killer. If she were North Korean, at the very least they would have tied her up and poured degreaser over her head.

They had nothing on her. Even better, they could not see how it was possible for her to kill an able-bodied man when she had broken bones. The nurse that gave her the sleeping pill provided an alibi. It was typical of them to underestimate her. It did not matter that they had her track record on file. They were not Fireflies and they had never been with her, so their minds were closed. She was going to walk away from this unscathed.

Once the MPs were satisfied, she went back to her room. She stayed in the bunkers now, sharing a room with Jessica. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon were in the adjacent room. Her friends were not there. She was sure that the MPs were talking to them at the moment. Whether they gave her up or not was entirely up to them.

The door opened and Hyoyeon was at the doorway. She kicked the door shut behind her as she strode over. She grabbed Taeyeon by the collar and whispered, "Have you ing lost your mind?"

Taeyeon stood up, leaning on her cast-free foot, and pushed Hyoyeon away from her. Hyoyeon held on tight and shoved her against the wall. "It was you, wasn't it?"

She tried to pull Hyoyeon's hands away from her, but Hyoyeon was not letting go. She stopped trying and simply held Hyoyeon's gaze.

"What have you done? The war is over. Everything is ing over. Which part of this do you not understand?"

"I know it's over."

"Why did you do it?"

"He was screwing up the system. After manning Kaesong, they would promote him up from Major. Then he'd screw more people over."

"Bull."

"Why are you so pissed? You yourself told me that someone has to do like this."

"It's different now, . Can't you see? The guard took something from you, you got him back. The Major wanted to take something from you, but he never got a chance to follow through. Sure, a good soldier eliminates all threats, but the war is over."

"And when the war comes back, they would be right where they can do the most damage."

"They? What 'they', Taeng? I'm talking about one person, who you killed. You planned it right through and played executioner. You lied to our faces, and then, I don't know how you did it, but the MPs can't find any evidence. All they can rely on is a confession. That's how perfectly you murdered him, like a ing psychopath."

"You can tell them, then," Taeyeon said, looking straight into Hyoyeon's fiery glare. "I killed him. There, I straight up said it. You can tell them right now. I won't give myself up, but I'll let you do it."

She saw Hyoyeon's fist heading towards her face and dodged it. Knuckles slammed into the wall where her head had been. She shoved Hyoyeon again, and succeeded this time.

"You make it sound like it would've been better if I charged to his room in plain sight and shot him in the head. Dead is dead. I do it this way and I'll stay free."

"You're nuts," Hyoyeon said, still whispering in a low, fierce voice.

"Say it louder. Shout it out for everyone to know. Stop covering up for me. You're being complicit."

"You've lost your ing conscience."

"No, Hyo. Letting him live is worse. I know what I'm doing. I can see the world for what it is now. I can see it very clearly. Systems were set up to instill order, but the people on top don't know what to do with themselves. Someone needs to clear them out. Take vengeance for those they wronged and prevent them from messing with more people."

"And that someone is you?"

"If it has to be."

"You-! You're not some assassin. You're a goddamn soldier. You follow orders because you're one piece of a greater cause. That's it. You don't decide who lives and who dies. So don't give me this bull about systems. Admit that it's all about revenge for you."

"Think whatever you want."

Hyoyeon grabbed her by the collar again. "The very least you can do after killing a man, no matter how despicable he is, is to acknowledge why you took his life."

"We both know what you want to hear."

And Hyoyeon left her. Taeyeon stared at the closed door. Once upon a time, Hyoyeon's word was her foundation. Now, all Taeyeon could see was a difference in opinion. It was inconsistent. Was she really so wrong? Sure, she had taken advantage of the small window available to get rid of the Major. And killing was not something to be taken lightly, even though she had done so much of it. But she had legit reasons. Someone like him has to die.

When Jessica returned to the room, it was dark outside and inside. Taeyeon was lying on her futon. She would have preferred to be on her side with her back facing the door, but unfortunately her leg was in a cast so there was no comfortable way to sleep otherwise. She kept her eyes closed.

"Taeyeon."

She waited before responding, hoping that Jessica would think that she was asleep and leave her alone. 

Jessica did not move. 

So she said, "Yeah?"

"Did you have something to do with Major Lee's death?"

"What do you think?"

"When the MPs were talking to me, I realized that it was you. Hyoyeon and Sooyoung's reactions confirmed it for me. And obviously you pretty much just admitted it."

"Then... how do you feel?"

"I didn't want to believe it was you," Jessica said. "But because we went through Hamgyeong together, I can see that you're trying to stop things like that from happening again."

"Hmm. Maybe."

"Still, it's hard to think of it like that."

"That's fine..."

"Sooyoung and Hyoyeon talked to me. They wanted to understand you."

"They should just come to me then."

"Hyoyeon tried, didn't she? So, no, not right now, they won't."

"...Yeah, I guess so."

"Taeyeon, if it helps, you could have talked to me, and you can still talk to me."

Taeyeon sat up from the bed, while Jessica took a seat on hers. In the darkness, they could see each other, but not really. I'm weak, she wanted to say. I'm so ing weak. She had to stay strong in front of Jessica. "It's going to sound stupid. It's too highminded for someone like me, so it's just going to look like an excuse to justify my actions."

"Don't worry about what I might think."

Taeyeon sighed. "Recently, I realized something about the system. I mean, of course the people on top have always run the place. But I never really thought about how they're the ones who decide what justice is. And about how everyone below them is at the mercy of their brand of justice. Major Lee was like that. The Great Successor was like that. As long as you're on top, no matter who it is... see, Sunny was like that. They do things in the name of 'justice', when there's no single, true justice, and try to pass off the bad things they do as the right thing. It makes me sick."

"So... you think society should be flat?"

"No, society can never be flat. There will always be winners and losers."

"Because everybody is different?"

"Yeah, in a world with rules, differences matter."

"Go on."

"What I did the other day... I was just cleaning up the top layer. People usually stand by and let the ones on top continue with their ty lives. They don't have the means to do something about it, even though those heads at the top need to be cut down to size."

"And now you've taken it upon yourself to clear out anyone in authority who you think has done a bad job."

"Well, I can't do much by myself," Taeyeon said. "But when it comes down to it, I will do what I can."

Jessica looked at her for a long while. "You didn't used to think like this."

"Yeah."

"The justice you're talking about is relative."

"So be it."

Jessica fell silent again. Taeyeon heard her take in a breath, as if she was about to say something. Then she changed directions and said something else. "You've become your own person."

"Maybe. Enough so that I can't be a soldier anymore."

Jessica shook her head. "To be honest, I don't think it's a good idea to detach yourself from the military. Don't isolate yourself. There are still soldiers like you."

"They're the crazy ones who endanger their friends. So, no. I'm not going to be one of them."

Jessica sighed. "Then you'll be going to the real world. It's big and chaotic, and even more injustice thrives. How are you going to survive with your new convictions, Taeyeon? Are you going to keep killing people? Do you know how insane it is for me to be asking a question like that?"

"As I said, I'm just one person. I can't do much. I'll do my part for whichever world I end up in. I'm not going to keep killing people. That's not a panacea. Of course not. I'll just do what's needed."

"You said that the rules of the world make our differences matter. Doesn't it mean that people should follow those rules?"

"But some of the rules are made by the scum on top. Those rules need to be broken before we can get rid of them."

"That's called being your own justice, Taeyeon. According to you, that's topping the system. How do you know you'll be one of the good guys?"

"I won't know. It's up to someone else to clean me out."

"Taeyeon, this world you've been living in is going to disappear very soon. Especially for you. The war is over."

"I know it is. Why do you guys keep saying that?"

Jessica did not reply. For one aching moment, Taeyeon was worried that Jessica thoughts had aligned with Hyoyeon's. Then Jessica stood up and approached her warily in the darkness, hand out in front. Taeyeon took hold of them and led Jessica to her bed. Jessica sat down and hugged her one-armed, tighter than usual. Taeyeon could tell that she was searching for what to say. One wrong word could start them off badly.

"Blood on a soldier's hands doesn't feel like just blood, does it? Do you believe that every drop spilled had a purpose behind it?"

"Of course."

Jessica said nothing else, as if she had made a point.

Finally, Taeyeon said. "What are you trying to say?"

"Maybe you just need a break. Step back a little. I get what you were trying to do, but I don't know how to put what I think into words either. Just know that I'm still here for you."

She held on to Jessica, impassive but thankful. She could also tell that if this was hard, then in Los Angeles it would not turn out well.

Hyoyeon, Sooyoung and Taeyeon were forced to see each other again a week later, to receive the First Class Order of Military Merit, the Taegeuk cordon, from General Choi. 

Sooyoung had not confronted her. Previously, Sooyoung would have approached her privately to dissuade her from leaving the army, and tried to re-appeal Taeyeon's discharge. Sooyoung left her alone. Taeyeon remained free. They did not speak to each other during the cermony. 

Taeyeon had considered killing Sooyoung's father as well, because of his cavalier attitude, but she had to admit that as of yet, the ends had justified his means. Taeyeon also asked around for Captain Park, who had dealt his version of justice to Soojung, He had died during the war.

As the General promised, Taeyeon was dismissed immediately after the ceremony, with a check for unpaid wages. Jessica stayed in Seongnam to work with her fellow US Navy Corpsmen while Taeyeon went off to conduct her business. Once Taeyeon returned, they would leave for America. Jessica could leave at any time because she was American and her captain said that she should have gone home months ago. Besides, her busted arm was still healing, so she would not be able to help out much at the hospital. Still, she told Taeyeon to take her time doing what she needed to do.

Taeyeon went straight to Daejeon National Cemetary and stayed there for three days. Then she left for Busan, where the banks were still operating, and cashed her check. Half she wired to her family as she had with all her previous checks. The other half she banked. Then she emptied her account, folded ninety percent of it into a white envelope, and slipped the remaining ten into her wallet.

After crumpling a two-sentence letter to her parents and not another word, she met Jessica at a ferry terminal. They took the first ship to Fukuoka, Japan, and the first train to Narita International Airport. Jessica exchanged her US Navy coupons for air tickets to Los Angeles.

Jessica bought them sandwiches for lunch. They sat at the seats by the boarding gate.

"It's going to be a pain in the for you if we take turns paying," Taeyeon said, because Jessica had to buy three servings for her. 

"We could go Dutch, or you could pay twice and me once," Jessica said. "But I prefer to take turns equally. It's not unfair. It's like going out with a vegetarian- we'd always have to go somewhere with good food."

"Okay then." She smiled. "Wait, have you dated vegetarians?"

"One vegan. I've never eaten as healthily since then. What about you?"

"Nope. And I'd never do it. I'm not so nice."

Jessica nodded along. "Why didn't you drop by Jeonju?"

Taeyeon shrugged. "I don't wanna see my family yet. They'd have all these questions about me being back early. Everybody else's sons will still be cleaning up for at least six months. I'm good."

"What are you going to do when you return to Korea next week?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

"Your parents must miss you."

"They do... I'm just not up to seeing them yet."

"And you're up for meeting mine?"

"Not really," Taeyeon replied. She gestured at her clothes and kicked her duffel bag. "Everything I have is army issue."

"They wouldn't mind. Besides, you can use my stuff when we're home."

"Okay then."

"You know, if you're not going to go home, then you can stay with us for more than just a week," Jessica said. There she went again, being all understanding. "Take as long as you need."

"Thanks. Maybe I'll stay longer." Taeyeon crumpled the plastic packaging for the sandwiches and put them into the neat white paper bag that the cafe had put everything in. She stood up the trash it. When she got back, she snapped her fingers. "Oh, right. I should get a gift. What kind of food do your parents like?"

"Anything sweet."

"Cool." She sauntered off to a tax-free gift shop. In Japan, everything was packaged so nicely that even potato chips would look decent. She found a box wrapped in crisp pastel paper. From the immaculate food models on display, they were mini cakes stuffed with banana cream. She was satisfied with this.

She could imagine two faceless, older people throwing the box at her face. Oh well. At least I'll have something nice to eat. She picked up two cans of UCC Black coffee and made her way back to Jessica. She mustered up a faint smile and opened one of the cans for Jessica before sitting down. Jessica snuggled up against her shoulder. Here, in an airport, in another country, she felt comfortable. She twined a hand into Jessica's hair. 

She vaguely wondered if the middle-aged Japanese men rolling by with their business trip-sized suitcases were thinking thoughts about the two women being affectionate with each other in public.

"You know, " Taeyeon said, "about Jeonju..."

"What about it?"

"I told Yoong to go back with me."

"I remember. You wanted her to have dinner with your family."

"Did you see the look in her eyes when I invited her?"

"It meant a lot to her."

"Yeah."

"It meant a lot to you, too."

"I wanted to make it up to her... She tells me that I was her only real family left, and next thing she knows, I abandon her in the middle of the war. She was... she was my dongsaeng, and I did that to her."

"You didn't have a choice. She hid me at her friend's place even though she didn't know me that well. She understood."

"After... letting her down, I shoved myself back into her life. Then I let her take my place. I let her die."

"It's not your-"

"I can't go back, Jessica. Everywhere I look, there's nowhere I can return to. And that's strange. My whole life, I've always been part of families. I sought them out and stuck to them. Even when we inevitably went separate ways, I never let them down. And then I did once, and suddenly I keep failing, again and again. And there's no end to it. You can try to tell me different, but the facts are there."

Jessica kept her head on Taeyeon's shoulder. "There are lots of people who want you around. I'm here for you. Your parents and siblings are waiting for you. Hyoyeon and Sooyoung will come around. They might not agree with you right now, but they'll accept you."

She wanted to disagree. There was a lot to worry about. Too many variables in her life. As always, unknowns would bite where it hurt most. Yet she wanted Jessica to be right. So she nodded along silently.

A/N: These updates are getting harder and harder to write=X So, thanks for the comments/upvotes last chapter. They help a lot. How was this?