word count: 5039

 

[Now]

Heechul was making his way home one late night. He positioned the scarf on him a little higher, almost covering his nose, whilst he turned a brick wall corner. It was only fall but the night was already so cold. He wasn't looking forward to the upcoming winter, not when night life was his kind of life.

He had attended a random get together earlier. It was more or so what he was expecting. For one, it was a high school reunion. They had one every year ever since high school ended so it was normal. He knew what it would be like. The guys will crowd together and drink up. The shots were strangely addictive, or maybe it was because men tend to try and see who could handle drinks better. Heechul wasn't such a heavy drinker but he had skulled most of the drinks.

Then there were girls. Most somewhat held strong feelings of affection towards him during his high school days. The type would tend to flirt with him, even if they were no longer single. Add a little booze to that and their flirtatious nature only grew stronger. It wasn't that Heechul hated it. Who wouldn't want to be adored by so many women? It was more that their feelings seemed so fragile. If they already had partners, then shouldn't they be more mature? He'd hate to be in their boyfriends' shoes. So whether these girls clung to him or not, he wasn't entirely interested.

Within the group of girls, some kept him as a close friend. The so called female friends wouldn't latch on to him but throwing playful insults was common. After all, being comfortable around someone meant no reservations. Heechul enjoyed their company more than the first group. A set of girls who had a mutual feeling towards him. Just like them, he felt that he could playfully tease them and still, their hearts won't waver.  

And then there was that one girl. She didn't seem to talk. In fact she only spoke when she was asked questions, or if she was surrounded by the girls. It must be easier for her that way. Park Ahna was always stern and focused on group discussions but she contributed so little to it. What a shame. Heechul liked to listen to her talk. Even though her words were limited, what she said really did struck a chord in him. Or maybe it was because of a mere memory? 

 

 

[8 years ago]

"Hey Donghae! Don't be such a wuss. I got you. You're it." Heechul bellowed. The spring air was pleasant. Heechul, in a woollen school sweater was playing chase with his friends. He had managed to catch Donghae and now, was furiously escaping. He desperately needed to remove his jumper and so he decided to break the rules. He slid through a door that led to the indoor corridors. Heechul knew it was against the rules to stay inside during lunch time let alone that he was not allowed to run as well. So he did the first thing he could think of. And that was to hide.

Heechul found an unlocked classroom and entered it. After closing the door behind him, he removed his jumper and took in heavy quick breaths. And then he examined the room. Just as he saw her, she turned to look back at the desk. Park Ahna. Back then, she was still the quiet girl who rarely talked. Heechul knew who she was. She was in the accelerated class in his year level. She seemed to get along with everyone but also seemed distant from the others as well. She was the girl who was liked but not loved. 

Feeling the awkward tension, Heechul edged closer to the girl. He hated it when there was a silence in the room, especially when there were people who could talk to one another. And plus, there was a question he had been dying to ask her. "Are you Siwon's cousin?" He blurted when he reached the foot of her desk. Siwon was a great friend of his who was two grades higher than them. He had mentioned Ahna and said that she was his cousin but Heechul had found it hard to believe. 

Ahna stopped scribbling away. She paused in the middle of writing but didn't look up. Heechul hadn't noticed that she was doing something. He edged in closer to peer at her paperwork. At that moment, Ahna was turning her head his way catching his attention. "I am," She had said whilst looking his way. "Why?" After they faced each other, Heechul scrutinised Ahna's fleeting facial expressions. First, she had a blank face as if she didn't have a care in the world. Then she started to show signs of being startled. And then lastly, a red glow appeared on her cheeks and ears. Slowly realising the close proximity between them, Ahna returned back to glancing at her paper. 

Intrigued, Heechul tried to continue the conversation. "So what are you doing?" He asked. "Students aren't allowed inside during lunchtime."

"I was sick during exam time so I have to do them during my lunch breaks." Ahna explained, not turning back his way. 

Heechul nodded knowingly. "I see." He watched as she tried to concentrate on writing her essay. "You don't talk much, do you?" He commented. 

"Yeah, words are scary things." Ahna admitted, for a minute there, she didn't seem to be focusing on her paper. "Say something wrong and you can turn the whole world against you. So I choose not to speak, at least not to speak poorly about others." She was in a daze for a while but then, as if frustrated, Ahna turned back to look at the surprised Heechul. He rarely saw her with such a cold expression and was wondering what he could have done to displease her. "I'm sorry but I can't focus on my exam. Can you please leave?" She insisted.

Heechul was at a loss of words but his composure soon returned. "I'm sorry, Ahna." Without thinking he added, "Well, I'll see you around."

Ahna gave him a soft smile. "Yeah, Heechul."

Heechul felt a little pleased. She at least knew who he was. And this might be the first time he would consider the two of them, friends. Words are scary things, did she say? They probably were.

 

 

[6 years ago]

Heechul was struck on the spot. Was this Park Ahna here in this classroom? With her red eyes and wet cheeks and uncontrollable shakes. Was she really crying in front of everyone? She wasn't one to stand out but here she was, breaking down. The teacher ushered her to take a friend with her to the bathroom and wash up. Slowly, she nodded and headed out the door with a girl from their class. And all Heechul did was watch and wonder, why was she crying?

"Don't you know?" Donghae asked. "Ahna likes you." His friend told him the next day.

"What?" Heechul exclaimed, confused. He was aware that they talked quite often at school and on the internet but there wasn't a striking connection between them. No one could see that they were quite acquainted. Only the two of them knew how much their friendship had grew in the past two years. 

Donghae looked frustrated. He knew that Heechul was the flower boy at school. Most of the girls had some kind of affection towards him. "I said that Ahna likes you." He emphasised on each word. 

Heechul didn't see how that had to do with her crying yesterday.

It was as if Donghae had read his mind. "Ahna told her best friend that she liked someone but she wouldn't reveal that that someone was you." He explained. "It's stupid really. Her friend was angry and ignored her and that was why Ahna was crying."

Heechul nodded. "I see." was all he could say.

"And the reason that everyone now knows is because Ahna at last told her friend that it was you." Donghae continued. 

Heechul nodded again. "So I'm guessing that the reason why she didn't tell her friend was because her friend is a blabbermouth." He commented.

Donghae wrapped his arm around Heechul and reeled him in closer. "That's not the point, man." He got back on topic. "The main point is that Ahna likes you. What are you going to go about it?" He lifted his eyebrows. "You're not going to date a dull girl like her, are you?"

Heechul easily laughed it off. "Of course not." He said, his tone much chirpier than usual. 

"Thought so." Donghae beamed. "The two of you don't suit anyway."

"Yeah. We don't." Heechul agreed. But he wasn't entirely interested in that. He knew Ahna was a quiet girl. To lose a friend would have had taken a toll on her. It was no wonder she was distraught. It must have been a huge step to have revealed everything, even to her best friend. He just felt like she was that kind of person, always worrying, never at rest.

"Oh look, here she comes." Donghae whispered.

Heechul looked up at the girl. Strange, her smile was much wider than usual as she talked to her best friend. The two girls walked past them towards the locker room and not once, did Heechul see Ahna look his way.

 

 

[4 years ago]

It wasn't that Heechul wasn't aware of Ahna's feelings for him. It was more that he didn't want to think about it. Love was a troublesome thing. For starters, you could never really tell if you were in love. And in the past two years discovering the girl's true feelings for him, he still wasn't sure whether he loved her. And so, due to the uneasiness he felt, Heechul ignored her. It just felt safer that way. 

He would discover times when she would glance his way. It had started ever since she had discovered that everyone knew about her feelings. That meant that she knew that he knew as well and she would then correlate his disregard to a sense of rejection. Heechul couldn't help but feel sorry for her. No matter how much you could trust a friend, humans tend to make errors. And in the end, the secret that she was trying to keep hidden within her was shown to the world. 

It was a lovely fall day but it was that same day that Heechul felt emptiness for the first time. The temperature was a little on the cold side, but nothing that Heechul couldn't handle. He made his way to the bathroom during his recess break. Unfortunately Donghae and the others liked to hang around the library which was on the east side of the school. The student toilets were on the west side, so his journey was quite long. Heechul passed through a few basketball courts, the school canteen, a large outdoor eating area and a secluded courtyard.

The courtyard was full of small trees starting to shrivel for the upcoming winter. It looked like a secret garden where a girl would like to sit and relax. It was no wonder there were so many girls here. Heechul scurried past it into a small corridor which lead to the restrooms. 

A group of girls were situated at the taps in front of the bathroom. Heechul immediately recognised them because they were his classmates. Among them was Ahna. She was still quiet and shy. Most of the other girls spoke, Ahna rarely said anything. Heechul sighed at the connection between them which had slowly faded. It was sad but he couldn't help but feel awkward if he were to converse normally with a girl who liked him.

It was at that moment which Heechul noticed that Ahna and her friends were eyeing him. The strange air got to him and he entered the boy's bathroom. He was swift to enter but swift to stop as well. And stop he did when he heard a striking conversation begin.

"Ahna, it's Heechul." A girl tried to whisper but failed miserably. 

Ahna shushed the girl. "What if he hears you?"

"Heechul is quite ignorant about this kind of thing." The same girl stated. She wasn't Ahna's best friend. She was the popular girl, Boyoung, Heechul remembered. "I've never seen him date anyone so he's not interested."

"That's why I have given up." Ahna spoke seriously. 

"Yeah she told me." Her best friend, Yoori, said. "Two years loving him. Two years letting go. Am I right?"

Heechul could hear the sullen tone in Ahna's voice. "Yes." She had said. "He avoided me. That means he's not interested. Hence, I don't love him anymore."

"Then why are you so nervous?" Boyoung asked.

"Boyoung, if he hears you speaking like that he'll think that I still have feelings for him." Ahna explained.

"You're right, Ahna." Boyoung exclaimed. She then spoke with a hint of confusion. "Does that mean it's okay for him to hear you say this?"

Heechul inched closer to take a slight peek. Just beyond the door, he saw Ahna grinning widely and nodding frantically. "Of course it is." She chirped. "Because it is the truth."

"He probably heard it." Ahna's best friend added. At that, Heechul slid away from view. So she's moved on now. Heechul couldn't say that he felt a pang of relief. The relationship between them couldn't be restored. He actually became quite saddened by the though. How fickle she was, to fall in and out of love so easily. But he, on the other hand, couldn't say anything about it. He didn't even know what the thing was. Love.

 

 

[2 years ago]

"Hi, Heechul." Ahna beamed at him and greeted him with a friendly hug. "It's funny seeing you here. We go to the same university and yet, I feel like I have never seen you around."

Heechul was quite astonished. He never thought that she was one to embrace so casually. In fact during their high school years, she seemed to keep a distance from guys especially. He put of a smile to hide his shock. "It's been a while Ahna."

"Yes, it has." She gave another cheerful response. "How are you doing? Adjusting well to your course?"

Heechul nodded. "It's so different to highschool." He commented immediately feeling awkward. 

Ahna didn't falter with her smile. "Yes, I feel like there is so much more freedom here." She added. Heechul examined her and saw the change. He still believed that she was a shy and timid girl but on a different aspect, she has learned to grow comfortable around him. 

"I agree." He said at last after a moment of silence. "What are you up to now, Ahna?"

"I've finished classes for the day." Ahna replied. "So I'm going home."

"Ahna." Heechul turned to an unfamiliar man. He was tall and handsome and just like Ahna, he wore an unwavering grin. 

Ahna was slightly astounded to see him. "Eunhyuk!" She exclaimed but could not say anymore because the man had wrapped her in a warm embrace. 

The uncomfortable feeling only grew as Heechul stared at the two blankly. Who was Eunhyuk?

The man called Eunhyuk caught him staring and broke away from Ahna. He then offered a greeting. "Are you Ahna's friend?" He asked. 

"Yes. I am Heechul." Heechul decided to be polite. "We went to the same highschool."

"I'm Eunhyuk, Ahna's boyfriend." He introduced himself and held out a hand. Heechul stared at the hand and eventually took it. So he was Ahna's boyfriend.

After the presumptuous handshake, Eunhyuk then turned back to the girl. "So this is Heechul." He commented which earned him a glare from his girlfriend. He laughed at her reaction and then continued speaking in a more serious tone. "So you're okay going home alone today?"

Ahna nodded. She turned to look Heechul's way. "If you've finished your classes as well then let's go home together." She suggested.

Heechul gave her boyfriend a look. Eunhyuk was understanding. "It's fine, Heechul. I trust Ahna and if you're her friend then I trust you too." Eunhyuk pecked her temple and let the two be on their way.

"So you and Eunhyuk?" The two were on a train and it was lethally silent that Heechul had to start a conversation. "How long has it been?"

Ahna fumbled with her bag strap on her lap. "It just started." She shyly turned away and looked out the window at the urban scenary. "How about you? Found anyone?"

Heechul looked at her reflection on the window. Why did she look so sullen? Refusing to think about it, he looked to his phone screen. Without lighting the screen up, he looked at his own reflection. Why did he look so sullen? "I haven't found anyone yet." He put on a smile. The sadness must be because he was lonely. Even Ahna had found a partner before he did. "Although, I have to say that the chicks in my course are very appealing." He gave a canny remark to lift the mood.

Ahna laughed but it wasn't the hearty ones. It was the type that was small. One that you would only do in front of people you're not entirely comfortable with. She stared at her bag and again played with it whilst putting her hair behind her ear.

A blaze of sunshine suddenly erupted on the two from the train window. Heechul didn't like it much. It was too bright. But it shone on the girl and made him wonder why he ever considered her to be the dull one. Though, it looked like she left home this morning in a casual set of clothes and unkempt hair, why was it that she glowed before him right here, right now?

The sunbeam lessened and again, Heechul found an awkwardness creeping in between them. He turned his phone over and was suddenly stunned by a flash of light on his face. Heechul looked to his iPhone and examined the shining apple emblem. It could reflect light. Deciding to be sneaky, Heechul fiddled with his phone and caught the sun rays and struck it at the girl, cluelessly daydreaming. 

Startled, Ahna looked his way, curious as to what was causing the strange light. Heechul took the chance to strike another beam at the girl, letting himself get caught red-handed. "Stop it." Ahna began to laugh, astounding him. This laugh was different to the previous one. This one was as bright as the sun hitting her face. It made her sound alive.

Satisfied, Heechul stopped. He heard the train announcement. The next station was his. He had to say goodbye. He watched the girl. Slowly, her laughter died, then she turned around. Her eyes stopped on him when she realised that she was being watched. Heechul slipped a smile on his face. "I'm happy that you've moved on Ahna." He said. "Goodbye."

She didn't look away as he walked towards the train door. Even as he was walking towards the train station exit, he stole a glance her way. The girl sitting by the train window wore a face of sadness again and Heechul's heart twisted at the sight. He turned away before it could soften.

 

 

[Now]

Heechul sighed at the zoetrope of memories. It was regrettable. It had taken him so long to realise his true feelings for her. Why? He had asked himself ever since their last train ride together.

He lightly hit his cheeks to wake up from his sad thoughts. It didn't help much. "I'm not drunk enough." He muttered to himself. Instead of turning into a road that led him home, he spied a bar and headed towards that. A bell jingled when he opened the door. The songs he heard were very mellow. It suited Heechul's mood.

He was delighted to see no one turn his way except for the busy bartender. Pleased, Heechul grabbed a seat at the counter stool and asked for a tequilla shot. 

"Me too! Me too!" A girl next to him bellowed. She was clearly drunk. "Give me two lemon slices!"

"Coming up!" The only bartender responded.

The woman gave a slurred chuckled. "Thank you, kind sir." And then she started crying.

Heechul found her funny. She changes her emotions probably just like how she changes her wardrobe. 

"Yes laugh at me, rude sir." Her head turned his way and she looked like a supernatural being from a horror movie with all the hair covering her face. "I know that I am one to be mocked." Heechul was silent as she ranted. She burped and continued. "Ah, it's hot." She complained and whisked all the hair covering her face, all behind her. The bartender gave Heechul and the girl their drinks and returned to work. 

But Heechul was watching the girl as she swayed and hummed a small tune. With eyes closed and stretched lips, it was hard to distinguish her under the dim yellow light. But she did look familiar. 

"I'm sorry for making you love me and then saying goodbye." She sang. "I hate that guy to bits." She then disgruntled. "He should just go away. Go away."

"Who is he?" Heechul decided to ask.

The girl scrunched her face as she contemplated. "My boyfriend." She then replied. "He is everything but boyfriend material! He has the brains, money. He's even charming!"

Heechul chuckled. "Sounds like a perfect guy to me."

"NO!!!!!" She yelled at him. "But he doesn't have any compassion." She hmphed and then hiccupped. "How can he say that he loves me when he lacks compassion?"

Heechul nodded. For some reason, she had a point. "So I dumped him!" She bursted through his thoughts. "Last year, that is." Feeling the dry throat, she took a shot of her drink. It hit her hard and she on her lemon. 

"Why are you bringing it up now?" Heechul asked curiously. "Do you still like him?"

The girl looked like she was going to knock off. The lemon slice fell to the floor from her hand. But she suddenly shook her head vigorously. "No way." She spoke slowly whilst pointing at him. "I can't love someone who doesn't know what the very thing is."

Heechul scoffed. Even a drunkard was giving him life lessons and strangely it made him feel better. Now he had a reason why he didn't confess his feelings to Ahna earlier. It was because he didn't know what love was and he was afraid of it.

"But I feel guilty." The woman pestered on. "Because even though he didn't know what the darn thing love was, you would still be sad if you were dumped. In fact, his lack of compassion wasn't the real reason I dumped him."

"Oh really?" Heechul was getting more and more interested by the second. "What is the real reason then?"

"It's because I still couldn't forget him." She mumbled. "I still couldn't forget Heechul."

A shock spread within the man himself. He examined the girl. Surely she was talking about someone else and not him. His heart pounded as he started to remember who she was. But he had to be sure. "What was your boyfriend's name?"

"Eunhyukkie!!!" She screamed delightfully pounding a fist into the air. Heechul contained his appallment. It was Ahna. 

"I shouldn't have gone to the reunion last year. No no no. Should not have gone." She muttered in a childish tone. "I didn't see that brat for a whole year so I had to go. I thought I had moved on but I just had to see his face and smack bang, these feelings came back." She pounded her chest hard several times. "If I had not gone, then I would probably still be with Eunhyukkie and then," She paused for a moment. "And then, I would be lying to myself again."

Heechul watched her tears escape her closed eyelids. "Heechul is a good for nothing idiot who avoided me when he knew that I loved him so much. He should just go away!" She spluttered a slurred speech. "No, I should have not gone to the reunion tonight. I should go away from him." She talked to herself. Her hand found its way onto the table in search of the second lemon slice. She knocked the small glass cup and Heechul hastily picked it up. He put it in prompt position and put the lemon slice in her hand. 

Ahna gave him a slight smile. "Thank you kind sir." She said. "I'll tell you a secret." She edged in closer and so did Heechul, eager to know her secret. "I was going to confess to him today." She laughed at her risky thoughts. "But I chickened out."

Heechul's eyes widened. She never had said those words to him directly at all, he realised. "Why didn't you tell him?" He asked desperately. This question had the greatest importance to him

This was when she started to shake and wail. Wiping her tears pitifully, she tried to open her eyes and peer at the man before her. "He said that he was happy that I moved on." She mourned. "So I shouldn't move back, should I?" She cried, unable to control her tears. "I should keep moving forward, shouldn't I? But I can't forget him. I don't want to forget him."

He had said that to her. And because of those words, she was crying here, struggling to make her next move. Because of such simple words, she was keeping her distance from him. It was his fault. "I'm sorry. Please don't cry, Ahna." He crooned. Heechul lifted a hand to her hair. It was surprisingly soft. 

What was more shocking was when Ahna suddenly grabbed his hand. She frowned at the man and scrutinised him. "How do you know my name, sir?" Her tear stained cheeks glittered in the dim light. Even in the dark, she was glowing. How?

Heechul gulped whilst thinking of a reasonable reply. Ahna then laughed heartily and wiped away her tears. "I'm drunk. I must be having illusions." She let go of his hand and turned to the counter where she laid her head on her arms. "I know." She yawned and her voice died down. "I'll just go to sleep and then you'll go away, Heechul."

Heechul laughed at her sleeping figure. Tears were forming on their own accord in his eyes. But he was so happy right now, so very happy. He surrendered and her hair again. "I'm not going anywhere." He muttered to her.

 

 

[The next morning]

Ahna stirred in her sleep. A pain was apparent at her temples. It was as if someone was constantly hammering a rock onto her head. She moaned, trying to make it go away. 

Slowly, last night's events came back to her. She had left the school reunion early as per usual. She then went to destress at a pub. "I failed." She remembered and the memory of Heechul drinking at the party was nailed in her mind for a while. Her scrunched eyes then opened as she sat up in irritation. 

She was still wearing last night's attire, she noticed. She growled. Ahna was cranky in the morning especially when she was hung over. "This is all Heechul's fault." She cursed the man who occupied her mind on a crazily frequent basis. "I swear when I see him..." She turned to see man slightly snoring next to her. And he was Heechul.

Her body moved away from him as if it was second nature to do so. But that just landed her on the wooden floor, buttocks first. Wooden floors? Her bedroom had carpet. This wasn't her room. Was she so drunk that she did something inappropriate?

She darted into a standing position and rubbed her to ease the pain. Afraid, she looked to the man in the mattress. He had grown his hair into extremely nice wavy locks. He was Heechul. But why was he here with her? He was probably that man at the pub who was sitting next to her. She blushed, completely mortified. And where were they? It was definitely a bedroom that was not hers.

No. She would think about that later. First she had to get away from here as quick as possible. She reluctantly turned away from the sleeping figure and would have ran for the door silently, of course. That was if she was not held back by a hand.

"Don't go away, Ahna." She heard Heechul mumble. "Don't tell me to go away, either."

She turned to the man who was now sitting on the bed, rubbing his eyes. How many times had she dreamed of waking up to the love of her life? But now here she was, so heated that she just wanted to jump out of the window. 

"Do what will make you happy." Heechul was now staring up at her. "Tell me how you really feel, Ahna." Although it was a command, it didn't sound like one. His voice was too gentle. 

Ahna took a deep breath and tried to restrain the water that was starting to well up in her eyes. Now that she was given the perfect opportunity to say it, she struggled. Because saying it would mean one of the two: mutual love or rejection. And rejection meant the end. And she truly, deeply in her heart, didn't want it to end. "I love you, Heechul." She croaked. "I love you so much." 

Heechul eyed her tears. His expression was unreadable. Those eyes that had always mesmerised her was not looking away. Slowly, a smile broke out on his face. "I'm so happy you're not lying to yourself, Ahna." He squeezed the hand he was holding onto. "Eight years ago, you told me that words were scary things, do you remember?" Ahna stared at him, wondering what this had to do with him rejecting her. Heechul continued. "But I can assure you that these words won't frighten you." He kept the eye contact between them intact. "I love you too, Ahna."

 

end