Tell Me There is a Reason for This

Description

He knew he shouldn't do it. He knew that motion would make it worse. But there was no choice. So many people were counting on him, not just the members, but the Starlights as well. The pain was bearable, he could do this.

He couldn't let this conquer him, he just couldn't.

Foreword

As some of you might know, Hakyeon has back problems. Not a lot is known about what specifically the problem is, but there have been several instances that I know of where his pain has been visible, which made me wonder how often he keeps it supressed. source

I have had chronic back pain for a little over three years now, the root cause of which stems from a condition called scoliosis (that basically means that I have an abnormal curve in my spine) and reading about Hakyeon's condition and seeing pictures and videos concerning it really struck a cord with me. I recignized the stiff way that he moved in some videos since that's the way I move when my pain is really bad, and his facial expressions are so similar to how I imagine I probably look sometimes when I'm in pain. Since I have trouble verbalizing what my pain is like, one of my friends suggested that I write a fic about Hakyeon's condition since I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. So just keep in mind while reading that I have absolutely no idea what exactly Hakyeon is feeling or experiencing with his condition and that most of what I have written here are my own thoughts and experiences. (This is actually the first time I've ever cried while writing something. Usually I'm completely heartless lol.)

Hakyeon is definitely my role model and he insipires me every day to not give in to the pain or feel sorry for myself. I thought for a long time about whether or not I wanted to post this since it is so personal, but I think that I should since not only is this fic me successfully channeling my long bottled-up feelings, it is also my tribute/thank you to him for being my inspiration. <3 

Back to Top ↑

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
Annawa #1
Chapter 1: Thank you for sharing something so personal... I think that you and other people dealing with chronic pain are heroes, a real fighters. But as you wrote, you don't really have a choice...:( Your loneliness and helplessness of people who are close to you is so striking! I wish I could at least hug you...
seoulsunshine #2
Ohmai
I hope you doing well now
Mangalove #3
Chapter 1: So, this actually made me cry. It's to close to my reality not to. I can tell you that having back problems like this (the bottom of my spine curves to the left, comes back in its place and then curves to the right in my neck add to that my left hip which is too forward and a bit down, and some other minor things) being a competitive hip hop dancer is hard. Really hard. This year I actually had to "miss" (being there but sitting and not dancing) 2 practices, and with that I received a warning that I could lose my place im the troup. So now no matter how bad the pain is, even if I could barely walk and move, i have to dance. Its something that i cant stop. And so reading this was........ Wow, I'm bad at putting things into words so this was perfect. Thank you fo writing this.
beautifultargetslove #4
Chapter 1: I had noticed it too and always felt really bad that Hakyeon has to deal with even more troublesome things. He is already tired and stressed enough from their schedule and having more pain on top of it is heart wrenching. He's my bias, has been for a long time, and it really hurts whenever I see him like this. Hakyeon is one of my role models as well, for always being positive no matter what. My sister had a slight case of scoliosis and if it had gotten any worse, she would've had to have surgery so even though I don't understand what it feels like, I understand the worry. Thank you for writing this, I'm sure it took a lot for you to put it down in black and white. And keep your chin up. Fighting! :) <3
devils_solitude #5
Chapter 1: I felt my heart break when I read this, because as someone who used to suffer through chronic back pains in my teenage years, I know just how excruciating the pain can be. Your own experience really shines through this, dear author, especially in your personification of the pain (because to me, it really did feel like something was digging into my back 24/7), and in Hakyeon's gritted determination to not fall victim to it. "They couldn't help him. No one could." - these lines are especially poignant to me, precisely because they encapsulate the entire ailment, and one's sentiment in them. Just going about your life trying to ignore it, was one of the worst memories I have of that period of my life. Even with therapy, it took years before the pain gradually abated, and even longer before I could do things normally again. I'm sorry to hear that you're still suffering from your condition, and I sincerely hope that you can get it corrected or at least improved. Thank you for writing this beautiful piece, and especially for highlighting the hero that Hakyeon is (he is such a big role model of mine too!). Kudos, to a piece well done!
Lemonpikkin #6
Chapter 1: Wonderful story. This is absolutely heart wrenching because I've been struggling with scoliosis for almost 2 years. The pain is unbearable so I have correct my stances, sitting and sleeping positions to make sure I sleep like a corpse in order to subdue the pain. Sometimes I feel conscience because my right hip is larger than my left. Sadly, I can't afford treatment, but attempting to sit straight won't prevent my spine from gradually curving anyway. Hakyeon's emotions and inner thoughts within the story is overwhelming in that it's something I can definitely connect to.

Thanks for writing such a beautiful story.
mistressofsecrecy1 #7
Chapter 1: it must be really hard for you :( living with this...is there no treatment? :/

I feel bad for Hakyeon though..I don't know if he's okay now or if that was just an injury or what you have but he has so many other problems that this is just >_< living with this everyday must be hard for you

thanks for writing this :) for yourself and for hakyeon :) <3
CocoMundo #8
Chapter 1: So sad it must be really hard living every day in pain. :(
sora-sun1 #9
Chapter 1: Love it ^________^
Back to Top ↑