Beginning of August 2015

“I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.”

Nick Carraway, the narrator of the epic novella The Great Gatsby, had said this once, yet every action after completely denied his statement.  It was impossible to be completely honest; everyone knew that, but was lacking in honesty completely bad?

I, for one, was far from "one of the few honest people I have ever known." I was a bad person that lied even when it wasn't required; basically Grunkle Stan from Gravity Falls (Author's Note: It's my favourite show and Grunkle Stan is such a g; don't judge me). I had beceome so good at lying to the point I was sure scam artist would have been a successful career path for me in the future.

And the worst thing was that I didn't mind my dishonesty. As long as I protected whatever I found important, I couldn't care less about the negative effects my lies would spew out.

Of course I understood it was important to tell the truth; it had been embedded into out minds ever since we were all children, our parents teaching us to never lie.

However, everyone knew life threw us unexpected events and it was inevitable that we couldn't tell the truth in every situation. Lies sometimes provided protection and at the same time could stab you in the back.

It would be smarter to teach kids when to be honest and when not to be rather than to straight up preach "NEVER TELL A LIE." Because this world was bad, whether or not Kim Jiwon was convinced it wasn't, and sometimes dishonesty was the only way to navigate it safely.

Kim Jiwon. When was the last time Kim Jiwon's name had left my mouth?

It was the end of June, two days after I had spoken to Hanbin. I had called Jiwon, asking him to meet up at the Magical Park.

Jiwon arrived, his hair messy and his smile wide and his beauty completely captivating. I never felt so conflicted in my life more than in that one moment, but I knew it had to be done.

"Kim Jiwon. We can't be friends anymore."

I had said it, seriously, solemnly and quickly like ripping off a wax strip. Trying to get rid of the pain as soon as possible, so Jiwon wouldn't have to antagonize about whatever ws about to come out of my mouth.

Jiwon's eyes widened in complete disbelief and there was a long pause. The air was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly he started laughing, it coming out so dryly it sounded like the Sahara Desert chuckling.

"You aren't serious, Jiwoo."He said, his voice high-pitched." Is this some kind of hidden came-"

"I'm serious." I cut him off, shortly, my expression grim. "We can't do this anymore."

Jiwon's face was so shocked and hurt that I couldn't dare to look at it. It was a face I never wanted to see and I was the cause of it.

"Why...?"

His voice was shaking, the tone a mix of confusion and distress. I shut my eyes tightly, wishing I could block the sound of it.

Doing this was harder than I had expected. I had prepared myself with peptalks and looking up "How to End Friendships on a Good Note" on the internet. But being here in front of Kim Jiwon and actually saying these words made me feel sick.

"It's...school." I finally pronounced, opening my eyes and staring down at Jiwon's converse. My favourite type of shoe and he knew this.

"I recently have been suffering in my latest tests and it's because I've been distracted by you." I lied. "My exams are coming up and I need to be focused. So I've promised myself to get rid of all distractions in my life. Meaning-"

"Me?"

Jiwon sounded so hurt, like an injured puppy and I felt the urge to cry. However I knew that if I did, it would completely ruin everything. I had to pretend like I wanted to do this.

Which I did. For Jiwon's own good and in a somewhat of a sense, mine as well.

"Y...yeah." I said, my voice wobbling as if it were about to break. "So this is goodbye."

"I...I don't understand. Where did this all come from? Ji Woo." I could feel his stare boring through my head, but I refused to look up.

"School. It's my first priority and I can't fail."

"Jiwoo, we can work something out. And it's not like you have to say Good Bye to me forever. Exams are over mid-July; you can hang with me by then!" 

Jiwon sounded so hopeful and I started shaking uncontrollably because I knew what I had to do.

I had to break him.

"I...I'm attending cram schools all day during the summer." I clarified, trying to keep my voice level. "There won't be a time when I won't be studying. Which means no distractions and no...you."

"What? Why? Jiwoo, why are you working yourself so hard? Don't do this to yourself, please." Jiwon pleaded. His voice took on the tone it did the first time we met. When he was telling me to rest more and be happy and not to work so hard, as if he were staring at a reflection of himself.

"I have to. There's really no choice." I counteracted, my voice expressionless and dead. "With my grades suffering, I promised my parents I would."

There was a long silence and all that was heard was the rustle of the air and the minor chatter of ongoers and the leaves in the trees dancing together. In any sistuation, this atmosphere would have been pleasant but now I feared it would give me nightmares.

"Jiwoo. Look at me."

Jiwon's voice was shaking and so were his hands. Still, I refused to look up. I knew I would cry if I did.

"I'll accept what you're saying only if you look at me in the eyes and tell me, from the very depths of your heart, this is what you really want. Then I'll back off."

My eyes widened upon hearing Jiwon's request. He knew, he freakin knew. He knew that I didn't want this, knew that I didn't want to hurt him, knew that I'd rather be anywhere but here.

Jiwon could read me better than others; there was no way I could say that with a believable, straight face.

You're a compulsive liar, Park Jiwoo. You're better at lying than anyone else; just do it this once. Help Jiwon out. And then you can go on with your life knowing that your dishonesty helped the one you love.

Putting on my game face, I tried my best to squash down any tears I had, replacing it with seriousness and lack of expression. 

Pretend you're someone cold and heartless...like YG!

With that mindset, I took in a deep breath and slowly looked up at Jiwon.

And with just one look at his face, my guard almost slipped.

It was one thing to see Vulnerable Jiwon but it was a whole other thing to be the cause of Vulnerable Jiwon.

His eyes held a mixture of sadness and hope, like dying hope and in his whole expression I could see that he was holding on to that last thread of it. As if he was prepared for me to cut the last thread yet at the same time held onto it anyway, out of pure faith.

He slightly smiled and the melancholy behind it was crumbling the very structures of my heart.

I was in love with this boy and I was willingly crushing his spirit. I would do anything to be out of my shoes for this one moment because having to see Jiwon's face fall was going to be stuck in my memory forever.

Tears were starting to prick the backs of my eyes as I stared up at Jiwon but I managed to swallow them down.

YG, YG, YG.

"Kim Jiwon," I said, looking at him straight in the eye, my voice coming out nasally and high and surprisingly resembling YG's, "I truly want this. I'm sorry but this is really for the best."

Jiwon's eyebrows raised and his eyes widened, surprised by my answer. A flash of hurt crossed his face, yet he managed to hide it by looking down.

"Very well." He said stiffly, coughing trying to hide how hurt he felt. "I understand, Jiwoo and I respect your decision. I'm sorry for being a burden to you and I hope one day in the future, we could be reunited. Until then...good luck."

He reached out to pat my head like he usually did, but then stopped, quickly placing his hands in his pockets.

"Th...Thank you Bobby-sshi. I...hope your debut is successful." I replied, bowing at a 90 degree angle.Back to formality, to the beginning. Everything felt so wrong.

Jiwon frowned when hearing me address him as Bobby, but made no comment.

"I...guess this is Good Bye. Thank you for everything, Jiwoo."

Despite being upset, Jiwon managed to flash me a genuine Jiwon smile; the last one I would be seeing for a long time.

And finally, he turned and walked away, his tall figure lengthening the distance between us, our bodies and our hearts getting farther and farther away from each other, pulling us apart.

And not once he looked back.

That I was lucky for. Once he had disappeared from my view, I couldn't think straight. My mind was a mess and my vision was a blur of tears.

For the first time in a while, I slumped down, alone in that park, and cried.

+ + +

A month had fully passed since then and the beginning of August had risen.

I had passed my exams with flying colours, the only thing I seemed to be grateful for during this past month.

I also got to spend more time with my friends; we went to the beach, the mall and to many themed cafes

This past month had been the most relaxing I had ever experienced; no worries about school, hot weather, bright skies and not a single ounce of stresss in the world.

It was too bad I was so miserable.

I tried my best not to be; I thought positively about how I didn't have to worry about school and how I was going to see my family soon and how I was cherishing my time in Korea doing all sorts of things and buying snacks I couldn't buy in the States.

I was living my life to the very fullest yet at the same time, it didn't feel full enough.

Jinnie and Hani had started to notice and although they never asked me about it, I could tell they were concerned. Multiple times, Jinnie even told me Jinhwan had been asking about me and I had recieved texts from all of the iKON members, even Sassybutt Junhoe, asking if I was alright.

With the exception of Kim Jiwon of course.

Hanbin had even sent me flowers (how he got my address was beyond me) and a small note, thanking me and hoping that I was doing alright. I sent him a text that I was completely fine when really I was a bit of a mess inside.

I had only known Kim Jiwon for seven months but we had such a close relationship that it felt like forever. I was used to waking up to his texts, used to seeing his face and the way it always lit up, used to the way he called me "Jiwoo" and "Kiddo", used to linking arms with him and walking at the same pace. I was so used to these little things that I took for granted that it felt wrong to not have them anymore.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But this wasn't just absence; I was never going to see him again. I wasn't going to hear his laugh or ever see him smile at me. The only way I could was behind a screen on TV and that felt a million times farther than what we used to have.

The worse part was the fact that I was the only one that had control over this. I was the one that had thrown our relationship away and I was the only one who could bring it back. 

So many times I had considered it. Considered calling up Jiwon  and telling him that this was a huge mistake and more than anything, I wanted to go back to the way things were. But I knew if I did that, I would be selfish and that truthfully, nothing would ever be the same.

At this point, I didn't know what to do with myself. As Jiwon had told me many times, time was supposed to solve this, solve my feelings of emptiness and misery. But I wasn't patient enough to wait and I wished time would hurry itself already and let me move on.

Moving on was harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I would feel the urge to watch WIN or Mix & Match or SMTM3, just to see his face but immediately, I would have to stop myself. Still, it didn't stop my phone from playing "Come here" on shuffle or the "I'm Different" MV playing in a music store. Just the sound of Jiwon's voice made my heart jump and sometimes I would be close to having a full-on heart attack whenever his face appeared by accident.

From now on I had to live my life cautiously and be more aware of any opportunity of Jiwon popping out of nowhere. Not only that but I also had to figure out a way on how to move on from the chapter of my life that Kim Jiwon was written in.

However, it seemed that my friends thought contrary. They had cornered me in one of our favourite cafes in Jeju-do where Jinnie's extended family invited us to stay. Despite being in Korea's #1 vacation spot, my mood wasn't as chipper as it was supposed to be.

It was nice to be in Jeju-do where the sun was bright, the sky was blue and the beaches were paradises of relaxation. Jinnie who was born here and lived here up until the age of four, seemed to know her way around the island, even surprising herself.

Our favourite cafe in Jeju was Cafe at Home, also known as Jinhwan's mother's cafe. Jinnie had made it seem like pure coincidence when we stumbled upon it however by the way,Jinhwan's mother recognized her the moment we stepped in, we knew it wasn't. Not that it was a bad thing; Cafe at Home served the world's best tea and sandwiches. Hani and Jinnie had bribed me with my favourite homemade fruit tea and avocado sandwich before cornering and interrogating me.

"No need to beat around the bush, Park Jiwoo." Hani started as her and Jinnie pulled up seats in front of me. Hers and Jinnie's faces were completely serious, which contrasted with the peaceful classical music Jinhwan's mother was playing on the violin, in the background.

"What bush." I asked calmly, not even forming it into a question as I sipped my cold fruit tea. My calm nature seemed to aggravate my friends even more, because their frowns turned deeper than before.

"You know what we're talking about, Jiwoo. This last month you've been all...mopey even here on Jeju-do!"

Jinnie crossed her arms, looking pointedly at me and Hani did the same.

I internally groaned, trying to keep my mouth busy by munching on my sandwich. I knew this conversation would come up eventually but I didn't expect it to be so soon. In fact, I thought I would be in the States by the time the topic popped up.

"All of the iKON boys have been asking about you except for Hanbin, which is expected and...Kim Jiwon." Hani said, emphasizing Jiwon's name and making me cringe. It had been such a long time since his name was in the air from the days of collecting dust.

"Are you and Hanbin a thing and Jiwon is upset or something?" Jinnie asked, her eyes wide. "It's not like I've seen you two together a lot, but there was that time when you two were alone in his room."

"That wasn't what-" I protested, flustered but Hani interrupted me.

"And we saw those flowers he sent you. What gives? I thought you were in love with Jiwon!"

Hani practically announced the last phrase to the whole cafe and I quickly scrambled to cover .

"Bae Hani! Jinhwan's mother is here!" I hissed, my hand pressed against . 

"So?" Jinnie asked, as Hani spat out my hand. "Jinhwan oppa knows you're in love with him. Auntie will be able to easily identify it as well. The two of them are both wildly observant."

"How do you know this?" I questioned, incredulously. Come to think of it, how exactly did Jinnie know Jinhwan's mother?

Jinnie shrugged. "He gets it from somewhere." was all she replied

"Alright let's get back to the main subject. Don't try to deflect it, Jiwoo." Hani warned me, her face focused. This intimidated me a bit because I knew Hani to be one of the most driven and concentrated people I knew. She would never let any topic slide or out of her sight.

"We've noticed you haven't been hanging out with Jiwon or even texting him lately. Which is weird considering he is your best friend-"

"And the person you're in love with." Jinnie finished. " And then you got those flowers from Hanbin...and you haven't been replying to the rest of the boys-"

"And you're mopey all of the time. We know you're not the most positive person but you are never this cynical."

"It's summer! No school! This is is the least expected time to be down in the dumps. Which can only mean something happened between you and Jiwon. So what's up? We are all ears."

Jinnie and Hani were talking so quickly, constantly finishing each others' sentences that my head started to spin. They leaned forward, resting their chins in their palms ready for my answers once they were finished, nodding supportively.

I was too confused to answer right away and instead tried to organize my thoughts. How was I supposed to answer why I haven't been hanging with Jiwon? And why I felt so down? And what...Hanbin and I having a thing?!

These were three different situations and I had to come up with three believable responses that somehow correlated with each other. This was going to be hard.

Be honest. Tell them the truth.

A little voice nagged me at the back of my head and I mentally tried to swat it away.

I can't! Who knows what they'll do?

I really doubt you could come up with believable answers. Just tell them the truth. Don't run away. If you explain it well, they'll understand.

I don't know...

Are they your best friends or not? Even if they don't, they'll try. They'll do what they can to help you, not upset you.

But what if I get upset anyways?

...Well maybe it's probably for the best.

"Damn it..." I muttered, sipping the last of my tea. "Even my head is smarter than I am..."

I thought about the advice my conscience gave me. To be honest and tell the truth. To not run away for once.

What was the worse Hani and Jinnie could do? Hani might have the urge to strangle Hanbin, but she would listen to me if i told her not to. Jinnie would have the urge to tell Jinhwan, but she would know better not to. Both of them would listen with open ears, interrupting me occasionally, but I would make it to the end eventually.

Hani would call me a pabo for listening to Hanbin and would then rant about how inconsiderate he was. Meanwhile, Jinnie would contemplate the situation and then would sympathize with my feelings, understanding what I did and why.

And then both would complain for not telling them sooner.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell them; I just didn't feel the need. That chapter of my life was closed, never to be reopened again. There was no point at all.

Yet, I also felt scared. Scared they would judge me for my impulsive decision and scared that they might actually do something that made everything worse. But now, thinking about it and thinking it through, telling them the truth didn't seem so bad.

Perhaps that's why I tended to lie so often. Because lying was easy and quick. If I thought about things more the way I did right now, perhaps I would be more honest of a person, more Nick Carraway than Jay Gatsby.

Besides, these two were my best friends since we were kids. They had been with me through thick and thin and knew me better than anyone else. They were my first friends, the girls that friended the "loner new kid" and welcomed me into their warm bubble of friendship. Not only that but just like I was leaving Korea, I was leaving them as well, until Mid-March of next year. They deserved to hear thr truth.

"Alright, this is going to sound kinda crazy," I started, my words startling Hani and Jinnie. Hani's eyes widened and Jinnie eyes narrowed as if trying to figure out what I was saying was a joke or not. They probably weren't expecting to crack me so easily. After all, it had been a month of silence on my part. Nevertheless, they let me continue on.

"What happened actually started a lot earlier  but I guess in relavance to the current events...it all started at the iKON dorm."

From there I told them everything, every little detail, even some things I myself had forgotten, them popping out of my mouth without thinking. I told them about Hanbin and the videos and the reason behind why I did it.

I told them every feeling and emotion I had been experiencing this past month from guilt to misery to impatience.

And lastly I told them not to do anything about what had happened. What was done was done and no matter how much I or they wanted to change things, what I did was for the best; for me and for Jiwon.

Jinnie and Hani didn't interrupt me at all, like I had expected them to. They nodded patiently, listening to every word that came out of my mouth, their brains mentally filing away whatever I told them.

However the rest of what I had predicted, came true.

"PABO!" Hani exclaimed, hitting my head. By now we had stayed at the cafe so long that I was on my fifth fruit tea and Mrs. Kim gave me a free one because I liked them so much.

"How can you listen to Hanbin? I get that he's smart and he's the leader and probably knows best...but he just doesn't get it! His whole life has been for this debut and he's so focused on that, that he has forgotten that both you and Jiwon are humans. With emotions. With an important friendship!"

Hani growled. 

"Man, I am going to strangle him for making you do that!"

I rubbed my head as Hani continued to rant.

"Hanbin has tunnel vision. All he sees is his debut which is completely understandable. I get why he's so concerned for Jiwon seeing as it could possibly jeopardize all of their hard work.  But I don't think he understands there is more to life! And with that lack of understanding, he managed to cut your friendship in two!"

"Now, now Hani," Jinnie interjected, calmly, like I had predicted. Good ol' dependable Jinnie."This isn't just Hanbin's debut; it's iKON's. There's more players involved in this situation. All of the iKON members, their fans, YG, the choregraphers and vocal coaches and trainers; everything is riding on this debut. And Hanbin feels the pressure to make sure everything goes absolutely smoothly so it's completely understandable as to why he did what he had to do."

"He could have done it better," Hani insisted, smacking the table forcefully, making us jump. "He made Ji Woo do all of the dirty work and look like the bad person. Now Jiwon percieves her a whole lot differently and it's not even true!"

Jinnie pursed her lips at this comment and I just kept my mouth shut. I wanted to defend Hanbin, I really did, but even I knew that was a bit true. But what other way was there?

"There wasn't a lot of choices," I started. "I mean, if Hanbin did it himself, Jiwon would just get mad at him for not trusting him and for trying to severe our friendship. Not only that but Hanbin is a lot more important to Jiwon than I am. They are teammates that will spend a large majority of their lives together and if they have tension it will be bad for the debut. This is the only way and I doubt Hanbin wanted to do it. He had to because he's the leader. He makes all kinds of sacrifices. It's only fair that I do too because I refuse to stand in the way of a completely successful debut."

While I spoke, Hani looked like she wanted to argue, but at the last second, decided against it. Her lips were contorted into a firm line and she nodded at my answer, begrudgingly as if trying to understand how I felt.

Meanwhile Jinnie had her thinking face on, which always made me feel a bit uneasy. She was the most observant out of all of us so she was usually the one to catch hidden details; details that I usually wanted to stay hidden.

I finished my fruit tea in complete silence. By the time the ice cubes clattered at the bottom of the cup, Jinnie started speaking, her stare pensive and intense.

"Jiwoo...this isn't just for Jiwon, right?"

I froze, my hand gripping my cup hard as I looked down. Her tone of voice told all. She knew. 

"What do you mean?" Hani asked, but Jinnie silenced her and repeated the question.

"All of this isn't just for Jiwon, Hanbin, iKON's debut. It's about you too, isn't it?"

Jinnie's gaze bore into me and I refused to look up. How could I? I was being called out, confronted about my cowardice.

"You fell in love with a boy, only he wasn't just any boy. He was a famous one, about to embark on one of the biggest journeys of his life and you were just a girl, leaving Korea in a moment's time. You had to remove him from your heart before you left because you didn't want to get hurt. Not only that but you didn't have the heart to tell him that you were going to leave because you were scared. Scared that it would make reality more real. "

"So you took the easy way out. You followed what Hanbin said and left Jiwon hurt, grasping onto a false truth. You didn't give a second thought because you told yourself that this was for the better. For you and for Jiwon. But you know very well it isn't, Jiwoo, better than Hanbin and even Jiwon. Things aren't better and things aren't going to get any better, even when you're thousands of miles away in the States. Because when you're stuck at home, you will come across Kim Jiwon, will click on his face without a second thought and will break down from the many regrets you are filled with. Mainly the regret of not telling Jiwon the truth."

Just like that, she did it. Kim Jinnie managed to spill out every feeling, every fear and every thought that haunted my mind, even the ones that were so tangled I couldn't completely figure them out. And it took her half an hour whereas it took me over a month. 

 How much I desperately wanted to get over Kim Jiwon. To move on from the boy that was too far out of reach for me to hold on to.

Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I forcefully swiped them away. Jinnie had thrown reality right at my face, reality that I fully knew but failed to acknowledge. How can I be so ignorant of the truth?

The truth. When was the last time that ever came out of my mouth? I was so dishonest and okay with that that I forgot how important it really was and why we were all taught it at a young age. Because sometimes, the truth could set you free.

Hani passed me tissues and rubbed my back and Jinnie ordered another fruit tea. I didn't need to confirm Jinnie's suspicions because the truth was in my tears and they knew that. So they both just sat there as I cried, there if I ever needed support.

I loved my best friends, I really did. I didn't know where I would be without them and it was moments like these that made me realize how much I should treasure them.

What was I going to do when I returned back home without them? I hadn't even thought about that because I was too focused on this Kim Jiwon mess.

"I...I love you guys, you know?" I muttered. The group hug that I was responded with confirmed my suspicions, because both of them knew all too well just how much I loved them.

+ + +

Ever since that day, the rest of my Jeju trip went smoothly. Telling the truth to my friends lifted the heavy burden of my problems off my shoulders, temporarily and for awhile I was able to enjoy Jeju fully. It had been a long time since I had actually smiled and laughed genuinely and I felt completely refreshed from all of the burden I had locked away.

It was our last night  in Jeju before heading home and for some reason, I couldn't sleep. The thought of returning back to Seoul made me queasy and I knew why.

Because I would be returning to where it all happened. Where reality truly was and where I would have to face it.

I ended up sitting outside on the balcony, my legs swinging off it and the gentle breeze in my hair. The bright moon shone over the whole island, illuminating the dark, starless sky.

And while I sat there, I just thought. Thought about what I was going to do once I returned to Seoul. As Jinnie had said, things weren't better and weren't going to get any better if I let them remain this way. But what could I do to make things right?

"You had trouble sleeping too?"

Jinnie had appeared out of nowhere and she plopped down beside me, so that both of our legs swung in unision.

Of course it was Jinnie. Her and I were very alike when it came to sleeping patterns, unlike Hani who could sleep through a hurricane.

I nodded, leaning my head on her shoulder. "Yeah, I just wish we didn't have to go back to Seoul."

Jinnie sighed, the loud sound whooshing in accompaniment to the crickets below, as she also nodded.

"Yeah, I get what you mean. Jeju feels like home to me and it's the most peaceful and relaxing place on Earth practically. And to leave this for chaotic and busy Seoul where our lives will eventually match its state is...overwhelming."

"But at the same time, Seoul also feels like home. We've been living there for about a year so everything feels familiar and somewhat comfortable. And I miss Jinhwan oppa."

My eyes widened upon hearing this. Jinnie didn't talk about Jinhwan often and when she did, it was usually because we asked her about him. I sat up in surprise and zipped my lips. This was a rare moment and I didn't want to spoil it.

"I got to talk to his mom a lot and got a glimpse of his past life and it was...kinda nice. Like seeing him in a whole, new light."

Jinnie looked up at the dark sky and the liquid moon, shining brightly down on us.

"Jinhwan oppa has done a lot for me. A lot more than anyone will ever know. I wish he knew how much I treasure him and how grateful I am to him. When I go back to Seoul, I want to treat him well, the way he deserves to be treated but even better. With his upcoming debut, he's a lot more serious and stressed, especially since he's the emotional anchor of the group. Hopefully I can help him the way he helped me."

There was a lot of openness to what Jinnie was saying, a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of mystery. But most of all, there was a lot of love. A lot of caring and a lot of gratitude. I had no idea what Jinnie was talking about or what her and Jinhwan went through but I recognized her feelings.

"I'm not sure on how I feel about Jinhwan. Do I love him like a brother? A friend? A lover? I've never been quite sure but to me, at least at this very moment, it doesn't matter. All I know is that I really love him and that I would like to support him any way I can."

Jinnie's words struck a chord within my heart. In that moment, I felt envious of Jinnie, not for her pretty looks, her good marks, or calm, collected ways, but rather for the fact she was free to express herself, free to be who she wanted to be around Jinhwan. 

At the same time it made me happy. Jinnie had opened up a lot more recently and seeing her grow and enjoy life more was nice to see. She was my best friend, the person I could depend on and the person that helped through so much in life. She deserved this happiness.

"I think you should tell him."

Suddenly, without warning, Jinnie said that, the words floating into the open air. I was caught so off-guard that I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly.

"Wha-?"

My mind was spinning, because I knew who she was talking about by the way she said him. Why this? Why right now?

"I think you should tell him." She repeated, seriously when she saw my confused expression. 

She turned to me, her face determined and a bit tired. Her eyes bore into mine so intensely, yet I couldn't look away.

"Park Jiwoo, tell Kim Jiwon the truth."

And just like that, every worry that I had been avoiding came crashing down on me.

This was it. We were going back to Seoul, back to where I met Kim Jiwon, where everything happened. I had to face the music, had to change what had happened, had to make everything better. But was telling the truth the way to go?

"Jinnie, I'm not so sure about that-" I started, but Jinnie help up her hand, silencing me.

"I've been thinking about it. Comparing you and Jiwon to Jinhwan and I. We don't share the same backstories or the same experiences yet we all have something in common. We love each other. And I just thought about your situation and put myself into your shoes. How would I feel if I had to stop talking to Jinhwan before I left and never see him again, leaving him with a false truth? It's not fair to anyone. You're not magically going to fall out of love with him and he's not magically going to heal from how hurt and confused he feels. "

Jinnie took in a deep breath, and immediately I knew that she had a lot to say.

"Jiwoo, have you ever even considered how Jiwon feels at this very moment? Out of nowhere you cut off your friendship with a half-assed excuse and now he feels guilty and confused. Sure you are in a sense "protecting" him, but what bothers me is that he doesn't know you are and at this rate he never will. You're going to regret so much if you never tell him the truth. He's going to be haunted by that one girl that broke off his friendship because he was too "distracting". And what happens after you leave? After he debuts, he's going to come looking for you, begging for another chance. And you'll be gone and he will feel crushed; crushed that he should have come sooner while you were here, crushed that he lost his chance, crushed that he could never make it up to you. Eventually he'll find out the real truth; from Hanbin, from me, who knows? And how do you think he'll feel?"

I opened my mouth to answer but she didn't let me.

"Hurt! Hurt that you didn't trust him enough to talk about this, hurt that you left without a proper goodbye and hurt that you didn't care about him enough to tell him the truth."

"Jinnie, I know that but what can I do?" I interjected before she could get more words in. The tone of my voice was hopeless, whiny and annoying but I couldn't help it. "If I do it now he'll just get even more stressed out for his debut. And I can't tell him after."

"I never said to do it now." Jinnie stated, shaking her head, as I narrowed my eyes in confusion."That would be a disaster. You have to do it the day you leave."

I stared at her in complete disbelief. How was that any better?

"Before you give me that look, I'll tell you why that's the best time. A) You'll tell him the truth and he'll know what's going on. B) You'll be leaving so he'll have no control over wanting to spend more time with you because he can't. C) Although he might be feeling a bit angered about why you did what you did towards both you and Hanbin, you could tell him to work his hardest and do his best so the time that you have sacrificed does not go to waste. I know Jiwon well enough that he will do so because he cares enough about you to ensure what you've done wasn't for nothing. Perhaps that will motivate him even more."

I was both skeptical and impressed with Jinnie; skeptical of how telling the truth might actually go and impressed she managed to catch all of the details and observe them carefully. She must have done a lot of thinking these days.

"Kim Jinnie, how did you-"

"Observations." Jinnie cut me off, tapping her head. "It's amazing what you can come up with when you really put a situation into full perspective."

We sat there side-by-side in complete silence, for a few minutes, as I contemplated what Jinnie told me.

A)He'll know what's going on.

B)Even if he wanted to spend more time with me, he couldn't (which was good for the debut)

C)He wouldn't want to waste the time I sacrificed and therefore would work harder.

A was the most appealing to me for many reasons. The fact that Jiwon didn't know the truth was slowly eating away at me like a flesh disease, and I was aching to reveal what really happened, not just to him but to everyone. I didn't want anyone in iKON to think of me badly. Most of the time I didn't really care about others' opinions but this was different. This was iKON, my favourite group and genuinely good people. They were important to me.

B was well thought-of because it considered the time period in which I told him. If I told him now, Jiwon would just try to spend as much time with me as possible, forgetting his anger and cherishing our time. Backing out on my word was not only selfish but I knew it would piss off Hanbin immensely, which was something I was trying to avoid. If I told him the day I was leaving, he wouldn't be able to spend any time with me, which was good for his preparations.

C corresponded with B very well. Obviously, telling him the whole truth would upset him but he would understand. Or at least try to understand. He was patient enough not to be blinded by anger and although he would feel upset, he cared enough about his dreams to continue on and do his best, as well as ensure my time wasn't wasted.

Or at least that's what I hoped.

It seemed good yet I was skeptical. What if Kim Jiwon didn't care about me as much as we made him out? What if he got angry with me, with Hanbin and resented us for the rest of our lives? Or just me?

I prayed to God that that would never happen.

Jiwon has always been honest with me about everything; that one time he spotted the bruise on my eyelid, telling me he was concerned about my wellbeing the first day we met, the story behind his tears even though he was embarassed. Everything that came out of Kim Jiwon's mouth was pure honesty and I owed it to him to say the truth, no matter what the outcome was.

"I'll...I'll do it, Kim Jinnie." I decided, clenching my fists in determination. "I'll tell Jiwon the truth!"

Jinnie's eyes widened in surprise, but she grinned widely anyways.

"Atta girl!" Jinnie congratulated me, ruffling my hair messily. "I know you can do it!"

As Jinnie cheerfully talked about how proud of me she was, I thought about how honesty might just be the best route for every situation. After all, I was quite dishonest and the truth had set me free before and it could do it again.

But how honest did I have to be?

Did I have to tell Jiwon I was...in love with him?

I froze, the idea settling into my brain.

I had never even considered that. Once I really thought about it, it only made sense to tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. After all, I was leaving Korea, never to see him again; he deserved to know everything. My feelings were a factor when I made my decision and although they were cowardly, they were still there.

Sure, I could tell him everything without speaking of my feelings but that would only be half of what happened, and I was done with half-assed explanations.

But was Jiwon ready to know how I truly felt about him? And most importantly, was I?

"Jinnie..." I started, hesitantly, tugging on her sweater and hoping that she had the right answer. She turned to me, her hair swishing and her eyes large with curiosity.

"Yeah?"

"Should I...tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

"The whole thing."

"What do you mea-?"

"Everything. From Hanbin to-" 

I stopped mid-sentence and looked away, embarassed by the words that were about to leave my mouth. To how I feel about him. To the fact that I, Park Ji Woo was in love with him. It all sounded so cheesy.

"Ohhhh..." was all that left Jinnie's mouth when my sentence was replaced with silence.  "That thing."

I felt her shift beside me as she plopped her arm around my shoulders, casually.

"That's a whole other thing in itself, Jiwoo and I can't tell you how and when you should confess to him. Love is a complex subject that happens between two people. Well or more, if you're polyamorous. That's not the point though. What I'm saying is that, well, I don't have all the answers, especially for something I'm not a part of. Jiwoo, this is your love and your confession and you should do it when you're ready. If you're ready by then, go ahead. But I can't decide when you are."

Jinnie said this, kindly, her voice soft as if feeling a bit sorry at how lost I felt.

I sighed heavily, looking among the empty sky and realizing just how lost I was. Here I was, asking my best friend if I should confess or not! Normally, I handled these things myself but at the current moment, I was so weak and helpless that I actually had considered someone making that decision or not.

I couldn't continue living on like this. I had to make my own decisions, own up to my my mistakes, take responsibility for my actions.

As the breeze flew across my face and the moon pour liquid moonlight onto my skin, I made my decision.

I, Park Jiwoo was going to tell Kim Jiwon I was completely and utterly in love with him.

+ + +

Upon our return to Seoul, as expected, things were chaotic and busy and I felt overwhelmed returning to the huge, bustling city.

"Seoul is the same as always," Hani had said when we returned to the boarding house. "At least that's a consistent factor in our lives."

But what I had come to learn that Seoul wasn't always consistent because at the rarest moments, unexpected events popped out of thin air...the way Kim Jiwon had, the night we met.

It was 2 days after our return to Seoul and I was in the library by myself. Jinnie and Hani were hanging out with Yeon-Mi and Sujin, who they both haven't seen in the longest time and invited me to come, but I declined. After spending day after day with Hani and Jinnie (which I didn't mind), I needed my alone time. It was how introverts worked.

Sitting on my table was a bunch of notebooks; all of them were my writing projects. The only one that wasn't with me was "Ten Things about Kim Jiwon", but only because I was convinced I was never going to write in it ever again.

My writing had taken a toll for the downfall during the month of July. No matter how much I had wracked my brain I ended up with brain fart, after brain fart, after brain fart and that was because my emotions were too much of a mess to focus. Mrs. Yoon had noticed and usually told me to go take a long walk before creative writing class to clear my mind. It helped a little bit but my writing still hadn't improved by much.

Before the exams, Mrs. Yoon told me that hopefully I would be able to untangle my feelings over the summer break. I replied that hopefully I would. Afterwards, she patted my head and told me that I would go far in life, as well as promised she would update me on the Yonsei Essay Contest. I thanked her with all of my gratitude and almost cried because I felt like she was the only one that still had hope for me.

But now things were better. I had goals, I knew what to do and how to do them. I was assured that everything was going to be okay because for once my feelings had organized themselves into the right places.

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be for long.

I was working on a coming-of-age story at the very moment, or a bilsdungroman if you felt like getting fancy. I felt like coming-of-age stories were the best, for they spoke of reality, of the obstacles many faced in life, of what life really was like. They were even more realistic than non-fiction because even though every person's story was different, there was always at least one thing we resonated with one another. It really showed the unity of what it was like to be a kid, or a teenager or a young adult, growing up and trying to figure out the world.

I was inspired by all sorts of things from my friends, to my family to MVs and TV shows and movies. I tried to absorb inspiration anywhere I could find it so that the end product was as versatile and colourful as it could be. I wanted this story to be realistic yet stand out, for it to make readers' hearts beat, to make them breathless for even the tiniest second. I loved those stories where I was in complete awe after finishing it and hearing the words echoing in my brain for the next few days, because it had made such an impact on me.

That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to make an impact on people.

"Park Jiwoo!"

The voice was loud, clear with a slight edge to it...the edge that made his rapping sound so good.

For a second, I thought I was going crazy, absolutely crazy. This was the library, it was broad daylight and there was no way in Hell he would be here at this time. Fate didn't work that way. Or at least, I thought it hadn't.

"Park Jiwoo!"

There it was again. Did I miss him so much that I was starting to hear his voice? I didn't imagine I could so loudly and clearly. Maybe I listened to his raps too often. I used to listen to them whenever I was on the bus. I shrugged it off, merely dismissing it as some kind of memory hallucination.

"Park Jiwoo!"

This time, I felt someone forcefully grab my wrist and pull me up and in that moment I realized that this was real, everything was real.

I looked down at the large hand holding my wrist, my eyes traveling up his slightly tan arm, up to his strong biceps, his white t-shirt sleeves, his collarbones, his neck and finally his face.

It was Kim Jiwon staring down at me and seeing him for the first time in a month, I had forgotten how handsome he was.

His skin was even tanner than before which surprised me seeing how pale he was before. He must have been spending lots of time in the sun.

His hair was long and floppy and by the way he ran his hand through it, I knew it hadn't cut it since we had last spoken. Other than that, everything else was the same.

It was hard to make out his expression. A mixture of disappointment and anger and sadness, none of them I ever wanted to see.

A thousand thoughts were running through my mind as I stared at him, my gaze never wavering, Why was he here? How did he find me? Why now?

Suddenly, without warning, Jiwon turned and ran, bringing me with him. He ran so fast that my vision became a blur, the only solid thing being Jiwon's hand around my wrist and our feet hitting the carpeted floors, making large thwacks throughout the library.

We didn't run for long because soon enough, Jiwon brought us to the back of the library were there was a garden, some trees, a pond and some picnic tables. It was a completely secluded spot seeing as they were no windows to look out at us and that the trees hid everything else.

Once we slowed down to a stop, Jiwon let go of my wrist gently, in contrast to the way he grabbed it, before. The air was quiet, only the distant sound of wind and the faint hum of crickets chirping.

We hadn't run far yet we were both breathing hard, most likely from emotional exhaustion rather than physical. I had never felt so much confusion in my whole entire life. What the hell was going on?!

"Park Jiwoo." Jiwon finally said, my name sounding more like a statement than an identity. His voice was firm and serious and it scared me even more than Hanbin when I first met him. Jiwon's voice never took on this sort of tone, except for that one time with the American girls.

I looked down, not able to look him in the eye. I wasn't ready for this. It wasn't supposed to be today that everything spilled out. I wasn't prepared; I didn't know what to say or what to do...

But that was life for you. It threw you unexpected moments in the randomest times and it was up to you to figure it out with the little time you had.

"I know, Jiwoo. I know everything!"

His voice came out harshly and angrily and I flinched, taken aback by his tone. This sounded nothing like the Jiwon I knew, but then again, I wasn't exactly acting like the me I knew either. Still, his anger made me shake not from fear but rather from nervousness.

He knew. He knew everything. Who told him? Jinnie? Hani? Those were the only two that knew yet I couldn't believe it. They were my best friends. They would never betray me.

"It was Hanbin." Jiwon told me, as if reading my mind. "I was so goddamn depressed these days that he had to tell me. Had to tell me everything from the videos, to your agreement to...to the fact that you're leaving!"

HOLY .

Everything was hitting me so fast and hard at once that I was having trouble breathing. 

This can't be happening. Not here, not now!

"He told me all of this just right now and right away I contacted Jinnie to find out where you were. And I ran here, all the way from the YG building, not to confront you Jiwoo, but to find out what the hell is going on!"

Jiwon was breathing hard and loud, his face red and instinctively I walked over and patted his back gently. The action sent sparks up my arm, but I merely ignored it.

"Breathe, Kimbap," I murmured. "Breathe."

It seemed that whatever I did worked because slowly, Jiwon managed to go back to a normal breathing pattern. However his face was still red, most likely from anger and he scowled when he noticed that I was touching him.

"Don't try to change the subject, Jiwoo!" Jiwon muttered, flinching away from me, the quick action sending a painful pang to my heart. I tried my best to swallow down my feelings, but I couldn't help but feel hurt by this action. How much did he hate me that he couldn't even stand my touch?

"You...you lied to me! And you let me live with this lie for a whole month; more if Hanbin hadn't told me!"

Jiwon spat out Hanbin's name like it was poison, meaning he was mad at Hanbin as well. However, it was unlikely that he was madder at him than me seeing as I did a) lie to him and b) hid the fact I was leaving.

Why did Hanbin have to tell everything? Why did I have to deal with this big mess, right here, right now? I wasn't prepared. I pictured this moment to be calmer, smoother, for all the right words to come out of my mouth. But right now, nothing was coming out because I was too overwhelmed, trying to process everything that was happening.

The air was silent and the longer it was, the more the tension in it grew. I had to say something...anything.

"Why...why did Hanbin tell you?"

My voice was shaking but I fought to keep it firm as I asked the only question that was truly haunting my mind. It was Hanbin himself that suggested it, after all. I just went along with it. Why did Hanbin feel the need to tell the truth...at all?

Jiwon turned to me, his face in complete disbelief, like it was the stupidest question he had ever heard. Which it probably was. Finally he chuckled, the sound of it making me clench my fists from anxiety. Angry, sarcastic Jiwon seemed like a whole different person.

"Why, Jiwoo? I've been depressed for the last month. Because I felt guilt and confusion as to why, my best friend would suddenly do that, out of nowhere. You're important to me, Jiwoo, just like my members are. And the fact that I thought this entire time that I harmed you in any way...it made me feel like crap. It haunted me to think that you were suffering in any kind of way because of me. Apparently you didn't feel the same about me seeing as you let me live this way!"

Jiwon's face was turning even redder as he shouted the harsh words, each of them slicing themselves into my brain, like knives. I fought to control my tears because they were the last thing I wanted Kim Jiwon to see. Did I really deserve to cry?

"I was so overcome by guilt that I couldn't function properly. Eventually, it became so problematic that it was starting to affect my performing."

Jiwon laughed dryly, the tension in the air increasing by a large quantity sending shivers down my spine.

What kind of monster did I turn Kim Jiwon into?

"Can you believe how ironic that is? Here you guys were, trying to avoid that and yet look what happened. All you guys cared about was the debut. You didn't even bother to think about my feelings!"

"Hanbin was bad but at least he had a point! He's been working his whole life for this debut so I can understand where he's coming from. But you! You knew exactly what you were getting into but you let it happen anyways!"

Tears were starting to form in his eyes.; tears of frustration. He angrily swiped them away as he pointed to me, his finger dangerously close to my face.

My stomach was churning, my head was throbbing and I felt the sudden urge to puke. All of these accusations were too much and I couldn't help but feel my frustration grow.

"Wait just a minute!"

My voice cracked and now I was angrily crying, fighting to get in a word within Jiwon's rant. I couldn't let him misunderstand the truth. It was now or never.

"I knew what I was getting into and you know why I did it? Cause I cared about you and your dream! I was messing you up, distracting you, heck I even made you late for a meeting with YG! He was planning to delay your debut because of this and you know what that means? Delaying your dreams and the chance of seeing your family! I couldn't do that to you!"

My voice was wavering, shaking so hard I feared it would break. Tears were pouring down my face and I didn't even try to stop them. Right now all I cared about was the truth reaching Kim Jiwon.

Upon hearing his past mistakes, Jiwon's face froze and I knew I had caught him with the truth. He sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair.

"I will admit that I was distracted and that I shouldn't have been. I was being careless and selfish with how I spent my time, and not thinking of my other members and not thinking about how my performance would affect our debut. But Jiwoo, that didn't have anything to do with you. Yes, you once made me late and once you distracted me with your text. Yes you were a distraction. But it wasn't so serious that we had to stop being friends, It might seem selfish but I need you around even if you sometimes distract me. Not to mention it wasn't just you; I was tired all of the time from endorsing and promoting and preparing and composing. You didn't need to feel guilty for my actions."

"How could I not? It was at the point that even YG sat up and noticed. Your dream is more important than me! One day, you are going to debut and become an international star. I don't matter as much that does. You don't need me the way you need your dream. I was affecting you negatively and I cared too much about you to stand in your way!"

"Why didn't you just tell me, then? Why didn't you talk to me about this instead of Hanbin? Didn't you trust me enough to improve my own performance?"

"I trusted Hanbin to know what was the right thing to do."

"More than you trusted me?"

"N..n..no! But Hanbin's the leader and I needed to respect whatever he needed to do to ensure this group reached its success. Plus, I didn't want you to get mad at him. He's a part of your dream; compared to him, I'm nothing!"

"NOTHING?!" Jiwon's voice raised, louder than I had ever heard him and I stepped back from the sound.

"You are something, Park Jiwoo! Why do you think I spend so much time with you? Why do you think I text you or even spent my time trying to find you in that one library? Because you are something to me. You were there when my tears fell and you are there to make me laugh and smile. Why don't you realize that and how you being gone is what really messes me up?"

You being gone is what really messes me up.

I gulped, slowly processing what Jiwon was saying. I had always known I was important to him but there was always something in my mind that doubted it. I had always thought I wasn't as important to him the way he was to me. 

Because I was in love with him and he wasn't in love with me.

I was running out of things to say and at this point, struggling to defend myself.

"Still! Even if I do matter to you, your dreams matter mo-"

Jiwon groaned, exasperatedly,abruptly interrupting me

"Can you please shut up with the bull, Jiwoo?!" He cut me off from finishing my sentence, his voice annoyed. I was taken aback from his irritated tone and sudden rudeness. This was too much, even for an angry Jiwon.

"I get that you care about my dreams and I am grateful for that but there's more, isn't there?" He took a step closer to me and instinctively, I took a step back. He had that look in his eyes, the one that knew everything, the one that Jinnie got in the cafe. That made me uneasy.

"It wasn't only about me, it was about you. You being a coward!"

Coward.

I froze, hearing the word I was too familiar with nowadays. A cold, nervous feeling started to spread to all parts of my body; so cold I swear my tears could have turned to ice. 

Kim Jiwon knew. He was starting to unravel the truth, thread by thread. Pretty soon he would hit rock bottom where the scariest of truths hid.

How I felt about him.

"You went along with this, telling yourself this was the best for me because you were too damn scared to tell me you were leaving at the end of the month!" Jiwon continued, oblivious to the pale colour my face was turning. " That's right, isn't it? How selfish could you be? Did you ever consider how I would feel when I found out you were gone and we ended on such a bad note?  I would be crushed! But you were too much of a coward to even care!"

Jiwon's tears were flowing down his cheeks, his face red and sweaty and his fists clenched. I had never seen someone so frustrated in my whole entire life. As his frustration grew, so did mine.

"I find it pathetic that you are using the "caring for my dreams" excuse to cover up your cowardice. No matter what, you were planning to hurt me in the end, any-"

"SHUT UP!"

I couldn't take it anymore. Word after word, the knives sliced deeper into my brain. It was so painful I could practically feel the blood dripping within my skull. Tears were spilling over everywhere as I shut my eyes tightly, bending down and covering my ears, tightly.

"STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!" Shouting this, I didn't even bother to notice Jiwon's concerned expression at my sudden outburst.

I was sick of this; sick of this whole mess, sick of these lies and sick of these accusations. Yes, I was a coward and yes I wanted to run away from my responsibilities. But I was only human; I thought what I was doing was for the best. And I was going to tell him eventually.

Not only that but it wasn't only my cowardice that pushed me to go ahead with this plan. It was my feelings as well.

I couldn't handle being in love with someone like Kim Jiwon.

I couldn't deal with falling for a guy that was so much different from me, one that I would be seperated from forever. One that was perfect in every way, one that treated me better than I ever deserved, one that I knew I would miss with all of my heart once I was on that plane back to America. I didn't want to experience the heartbreak and the hurt that came along with loving him, so I tried my best to move on as quickly as possible, so that hopefully I wouldn't.

Kim Jiwon would understand this; I knew it. I was trying to protect myself and he knew how that felt. But I wasn't prepared to tell him my feelings. Not here, not now. At the current moment we were both emotionally unstable. Everything would just turn into a huge mistunderstanding.

"There's a lot more to this than you think, alright?" I said, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. "Yes, I was a coward but I had other reasons as to why I did what I did!"

Jiwon groaned, the sound of it grating on my ears. He was just as done with this as I was.

"What reasons, Jiwoo?!" Jiwon demanded, irritatedly, throwing his hands up. " I'm sick of being tired and confused about you and I! Be honest with me for once!"

Be honest.

The truth was already out, wasn't it? My cowardice, my concern. The only one left was my confession and if I didn't tell Jiwon it now, I was convinced he would never forgive me.

I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it refused to go down. This was it. I was going to confess to Kim Jiwon. I was going to tell him the true main reason as to why I did what I did.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, ready to spill out everything to finding out I loved him to battling my conflicting feelings, to talking to Mrs. Yoon about it, to trying to protect myself...

But now matter how hard I tried to use my vocal chords, my voice was empty and non-existent. They refused to allow the words to come out.

Jiwon stared at me expectedly, one eyebrow raised, just watching me mouth words. The longer it went for, the more I noticed his face start to return to its normal colour, as if what I was doing was calming him down. In fact he was looking less angry and more concerned for me.

Eventually, after figuring out that my voice wasn't working, instead of blowing up like I thought he would, he just sighed tiredly. He could have been angry, could have shouted more, could have made me feel more guilty but he was just as sick of this as I was. He didn't want to deal with this pent up frustration anymore. He lightly punched my forehead, making my eyes widen but I knew why. This argument was making the both of us exhausted and we just wanted to make up.

"Look Jiwoo, I don't want to be mad at you." He said softly, as if he overused his voice. "That's the last thing I want to be, especially with the debut already stressing me out. But you have to give me something to work with. I'm extremely hurt because all I can see is you not caring about my feelings. That's really cruel, you know? If there's something else, go ahead and say it. I'll try my best to understand."

He slightly nodded encouragingly, and the sight of it made me want to cry a fresh round of tears. Even after exploding at me, he still managed to treat me well. He, of all the people in the world, deserved the truth.

But i just wasn't ready to tell him. I might be,someday but for now,my heart and my mind didn't have the strength to reveal what was locked up inside. I only hoped Jiwon understood.

"Kim Jiwon," I started, taking a deep breath. My eyes were swollen and red from crying, my eyelashes wet and soaked with tears, but I somehow managed to look at as equally red and puffy-eyed Jiwon straight in the eyes.

"I'm not ready to tell you right now. And I know it sounds like a whole load of bull but please don't give up on me, just yet. I'm overwhelmed and tired and confused right now and I'm sure you are too. We both need to rest and have some time apart before we could talk about this. What I'm about to say is important...and I'm not mentally or emotionally prepared to tell you it, yet. I know it's going to sound like I'm making up excuses and I know you're tired and impatient of having to deal with this, but please, Kim Jiwon...please,wait for me."

Jiwon's eyes widened once I made the reference to the Team B song, before shoving his hands into his pockets and looking down at the ground, pensively thinking. Millions thoughts were shooting through my mind, the main one begging that Kim Jiwon would understand and oblige.

The Jiwon I knew would. But things have changed and I wasn't sure if he would now.

Finally he chuckled,placing his hand on my head and patting it, his fingers running through the strands of hair.. The feeling felt comforting and relieving. I had forgotten how much I missed Jiwon patting my head.

"I...I will, Jiwoo." Jiwon agreed. "I don't know if I could trust you but you deserve to explain everything from your point of view. Once you do, then I'll make my judgements."

I flinched when hearing that he didn't know if he could trust me. But truly, who could blame him after all I had done? I deserved much worse than this.

"I...I promise it'll be soon." I told him, just as Jiwon's phone vibrated. The text "I can't hold off Hwangssabu any longer; Come back Kimbap! - Hanbin" appeared on the screen.

Jiwon turned to me, taking a large breath before using his sleeves to wipe up any remaining tears. His eyes were still red and puffy but he still looked gorgeous.

I have to tell him. I can't lose this...and I can't lose him.

"I have to go now, Jiwoo. Make sure to tell me soon, alright?"

I nodded in reply and he wordlessly chopped the top of my head, before turning and jogging away.

And I just stared after him knowing things with Jiwon weren't the same. They were never going to be the same. But I had to make this right somehow.

I had to honest with him.

He was always honest with me. He never lied, never told only half the truth. I had to break my dishonesty streak and lay it all out there.

But when was I going to be ready to tell him I loved him? I sat there for what seemed like an eternity just wondering the same question, over and over again.

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this actually used to be 16000+ words but i chopped off a whole part so that it's just 12000

new year, new chapter! the chapter where all da shizzzzz goes down (the only chapter where all da shizz goes down to be quite honest)

unless....something else happens (but we're nearing duh end so....)

i spend my new year's watching ikon while my parents are in hawaii (cries)

happy new year! wishing the best for everyone!

-donggu