Letter one

Dear Myungsoo:

Since I'm not fluent enough nor my words are coherent, I decided to write down the things I've wanted to tell you. Some of them I'm not brave enough to say aloud, some I wouldn't find a way to say other wise, and some are just there. I hope you don't mind. More importantly, I hope you won't get bored.

Today was a bad day. My heart clenched and unclenched a thousand times. To be frank, I don't know what got into me- I was supposed to be having fun with my friends! But a sense of grief washed over me and I felt tired and sad to the bones. I tried my best to hide it and not let it show. I didn't want them to notice; how can I explain what I don't understand? And at the same time I wanted them to notice; to ask what's wrong and console me. As pathetic as I sound I wanted to feel loved.

You see, I have nowhere I'm allowed to be sad. Lately, all I am is sad.

I remember you once told me: "When you're sad don't look at your feet, look up at the sky." I follow your advice everytime I can. But Myungsoo, please tell me, what to do when the stars don't twinkle anymore?

(Ps: if you're sad, I hope your stars twinkle as brightly as the smiles you can't crack.)