Jaebum lies on his back, his arms folded behind his head and one leg crossed over the other at the ankle. It was half past two when he last checked his phone, however many minutes ago. His eyes ache in their sockets whenever he blinks, but he keeps staring up at the shadows dancing on the ceiling instead of closing them and going to sleep. His roommate certainly doesn't have any problems shutting of his thoughts, judging by the soft snores drifting from the left side of the cramped dorm room. Unbidden, Jaebum's eyes shift to the left, but he clenches them shut before he can trade one form of masochism for another. Gritting his teeth, he reminds himself about Mark, about how he decided not to go down that road with anyone else.

He must fall asleep because the next thing he's aware of is his shoulder being shook as a familiar sounding voice whispers his name. "Jaebum, hey, Jaebum."

"Wha?" Jaebum mumbles, blinking blearily. He inhales deeply, relishing the scent of lavender and vanilla that invades his senses. He blinks a few more times and his eyes readjust to the dark enough to make out Jackson's face right above his. Jaebum jolts into wakefulness.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jackson frowns, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows.

His earlier decision all but forgotten, Jaebum's gaze flits across Jackson's face. His lush brown hair, now fully grown out from the buzz cut he sported during the basketball season, hangs over his forehead. The longer hair provides the perfect frame for his pretty brown eyes, making them even more striking, even in the dark. His pouty cheeks are adorably lined with pillow creases and his poutier pink lips pull down in a frown the longer Jaebum is non responsive.

"Oh, uh, nothing, I'm fine," Jaebum shakes his head, bringing himself back to his senses. "Why'd you wake me?" That question only deepens Jackson's frown. "What?"

"You..." Jackson starts, but there's no end to that sentence.

Before Jaebum can ask him why he's awake and hovering over him, Jackson reaches out a hand and wipes his finger under one of Jaebum's eyes; a crystalline teardrop sits on his finger. Jaebum's stomach clenches so tightly that a small gasp leaves his lips.

"Were you having a nightmare?" Jackson asks, concern saturating his voice.

"No," Jaebum replies instantly. Jackson raises an eyebrow before he sits down on the edge of Jaebum's bed. Jaebum swallows.

"Are you sure about that? 'Cause, like, you could tell me if you did and you could talk to me about it. I know I talk a lot, but I'm also a really good listener," he says with an encouraging smile, his round cheeks pushing up his eyes. The sight of him– so close and sitting on his bed–makes Jaebum's heart ache in his chest. For one mad second, he imagines sitting up and pulling Jackson into his lap to find out if his lips feel as soft as they look. His left hand twitches and he curls it into a fist, his nails biting into his skin. He flips onto his side, his back facing Jackson.

"I'm sure," Jaebum says stiffly. "Good night."

There's a short pause, in which Jaebum is too tense to breathe, before the edge of his bed creaks and moves, followed by a soft "Right, okay" drifting over from the other side of the room.

Jaebum slowly releases the breath he's holding, but it does nothing to calm the racing of his pulse. He blinks and feels the skin under his eye tingling. Sleep evades Jaebum for the rest of the night.




"Why don't you just tell him how you feel?" Jaebum blinks and Jinyoung's scowling face sharpens into focus. "Seriously, this stopped being funny a long time ago. Now it's just sad," he shakes his head before lifting another bite of rice to his mouth.

Jaebum's gaze shifts to the right, in the general direction of the basketball courts. Once he realises what he's doing, he shifts his gaze back to Jinyoung, whose scowl has only gotten more severe.

"Why are you so afraid of giving yourself a chance at happiness?"

"You know why," Jaebum croaks, his voice cracking slightly on the last word.

Jinyoung sighs, his expression softening into something resembling pity. "I don't mean to sound cruel or unsympathetic, but you really need to put what happened with Mark behind you. Even if you never enter into another relationship with another human being ever again, you should let it go–for your own sake."

"Do you think I enjoy not moving on?" Jaebum snaps, slamming his hand on the table top. Jinyoung has known him too long to flinch.

"In a way, yes, I think you do," Jinyoung says evenly, his eyes narrowed into slits. Jaebum's mouth falls open in shock. "I think you're using it as a crutch–an excuse–to never open your heart again, to not make a real connection with someone else, to not even try. Jaebum, you're my best friend and practically my family, but even I can't stand this spineless, cowardly version of yourself."

" you, Jinyoung!" Jaebum barks, his uneaten food tumbling to the ground as he swings his knapsack onto his back.

He storms away from the table, his vision clouded with red. Some ing friend Jinyoung is! Sure, it's been two years since his...thing with Mark ended, and Jaebum didn't expect Jinyoung to hold his hand and pat his hair forever, but that was just uncalled for. So what if he hasn't seen his dance crew in two years? So what if he deleted the contact information of every one of his and Mark's mutual friends? So what if he's shut down any and all attempts at partnership that various people have made since Mark whirled in and out of his life?

"!" Jaebum slams his fist into the nearest inanimate object, a slender tree. As leaves dance on the wind and drift to the ground around him, Jaebum catches his breath. The red slowly ebbs out of his vision with each throb of pain that ripples through his hand.

"," he sighs, letting his bruised hand fall to his side; Jinyoung was right. Jaebum closes his eyes and rubs his uninjured hand over his forehead.

When he opens his eyes again, he spots a group of girls sitting on a blanket on the grass, giving him wary looks as they whisper amongst themselves. Jaebum pushes off the tree and continues walking, albeit at a much slower pace. It's not long before the gymnasium that houses the university's basketball courts comes into sight.

"Why did I come here?" Jaebum mutters to himself, although he knows the answer. Sure enough, a familiar sounding giggle reverberates through the air as a group of boys spill out the gymnasium doors. Instinctively, Jaebum takes a step back, turning away to hide his face, but he stops mid-turn. His hands clench the straps of his knapsack, and he turns back around, stepping forward.

"Oh, shut up, face. My hair was in my eyes when I made that last shot. That's the only reason I missed. Anyway, we weren't even playing a real game, so–Oh, hey, Jaebum," Jackson blinks in surprise. "I don't usually see you in this neck of the woods. What's up?" he smiles brightly as he trots up to Jaebum.

"Er, nothing really. Kinda bored, actually," Jaebum shrugs, slipping his hands into his pockets. His gaze shifts minutely and a spike of self consciousness runs down his spine as he catches sight of Jackson's friends.

"If you've got nothing planned then maybe you could come have lunch with me and my friends," Jackson offers. "We were just heading off to check out that new noodle place that just opened up nearby. You wanna come?"

Jaebum chews on his bottom lip for a second before he nods. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Jaebum wouldn't have thought it possible if he wasn't witnessing it, but Jackson's eyes shine even brighter. "Great, cool, we'll meet you there in, like, half an hour," he grins.

"Yeah, sure," Jaebum nods, his hands clenched into fists in his pockets.

"Later," Jackson turns to head back to his friends. Jaebum watches him take four steps before he admits to himself that he's still being cowardly.

"Jackson, wait," he calls out, jogging to grab the other man by the arm.

"Oh, hello again. What is it?" Jackson blinks in confusion.

"Actually, I lied to you just now; I don't want to have lunch with you and your friends," Jaebum says shortly.

"Oh, well–Okay, yeah you don't have to come just because I invited you, of course not," Jackson babbles, the twitching of his right eye and the rose pink flush in his cheeks hallmarks of his embarrassment.

Jaebum slides his hand down Jackson's arm until he reaches the other man's wrist. "What I mean is," he forces out, his heart hammering in his chest. Jackson's eye stops twitching, but his cheeks are still pink. Jaebum takes a deep breath and swallows before he continues. "...What I'd like is for the two of us to go out. Alone." He slides his hand a little further down.
For a moment, Jackson just stares blankly at him a Jaebum fears that he was wrong to have hope.

"You...wait, what are you saying? You haven't actually asked me a question and I can't answer a question I haven't been asked," Jackson turns his face away, but the grin on his face is plain to see and his fingers gently squeeze Jaebum's.

The hammering in Jaebum's chest slows down to a much more pleasant fluttering as a smile slowly stretches across his lips. "Jackson, will you go out on a date with me? I've been in love with you for weeks and I might actually drop dead if I don't get to hold you in my arms and kiss your lips," Jaebum pants, his chest heaving slightly. Jackson's head swivels to face him, eyes bugging out; panic stabs Jaebum in the chest.

"Do you...Is that really how you feel about me?" Jackson blinks owlishly.

"Y-yes," Jaebum breathes.

Jackson's lips briefly twitch up before they cover Jaebum's. As lavender and vanilla fill his nose, Jaebum's eyes roll back in his head until he's forced to close them, his free arm slipping around Jackson's waist and pressing the other man against him. When Jackson finally pulls away, the both of them are panting as though they just ran a marathon.

"So you stay alive for our date," Jackson says with a shrug. "I'm not into corpses."

A laugh builds in Jaebum's chest until it bursts past his lips. Jackson lets out his own high pitched giggle, his eyes sparkling with mirth. 

"Dinner tonight?" Jaebum suggests.

"Definitely," Jackson beams, giving Jaebum's hand a squeeze.

The two of them stand there for a moment, just staring into each other's eyes and smiling like idiots until one of Jackson's friend shouts that he's "...ing hungry! You can stare at your boyfriend some other time, Jackson!", effectively breaking the moment.

"Later," Jackson pecks Jaebum on the lips before he finally runs back to his friends. Jaebum watches him go, waving when Jackson looks back at him over his shoulder.

When Jackson and his friends are out of sight, Jaebum inhales and exhales deeply, his head still spinning and his lips still tingling from their kiss. Unbidden, a laugh bubbles up out of his chest. He shakes his head at himself, turning around, when he sees a very familiar figure leaning against a tree.

"Bravo, I should've just pushed you to do that weeks ago. God only knows why I waited so long," Jinyoung speaks up. "I must say, you really surprised me with that whole 'I'll die if I can't kiss you' thing; well played," he smiles, clapping his hands in a way that's only slightly sarcastic.

Jaebum shakes his head with a chuckle, too ridiculously happy to even feign annoyance. "Good to know that I can still surprise you after sixteen years."

Jinyoung winks at him before he claps once and throws an arm around Jaebum's neck. "Come on, I've only got five hours or so to get you ready for your big date, and we both know you're going to fight me on everything I suggest, good mood or no."

"I'm never letting you cut my hair," Jaebum says flatly. Jinyoung heaves a long suffering sigh and mutters to himself about hopeless cases. Jaebum's lips quirk up before his expression sobers. “I did something brave just now, but I'm still scared out of my mind about what will happen next, that I'll it up, that he'll it up or that it'll just lead to nothing.

"It's okay to be scared, but it's not okay to let that fear control you and prevent you from living your life," Jinyoung says seriously, stopping in place.

"Right, okay," Jaebum mumbles, nodding to himself. "I'll try," he promises.

"Good," Jinyoung nods. "Also, you should probably share that with him too. You're not the only person in the world with insecurities, you know," Jinyoung says pointedly.

"Huh, right," Jaebum nods, trying to imagine how someone who shines as brightly as Jackson could be anything but completely self assured.

"And you should let him see your entire face," Jinyoung runs a hand through the front of Jaebum's fringe.

"Ri–Hey! off, man," Jaebum pushes his hand away.

"I'm taking that as a yes," Jinyoung flashes him a smile.

Jaebum throws his hands up in protest, but mentally he pictures Jackson staring at his face with pleasant surprise.
"Eh, it, why not?" Jaebum shrugs.

"Really?" Jinyoung's eyes widen.

Jaebum nods, "Since I'm making changes and starting anew and all that ."

"Wow, I really should've pushed you ages ago," Jinyoung murmurs in slight awe.

"I agree," Jaebum chuckles as he resumes walking, his steps lighter than they've ever been.