I don’t know when I began to have feelings for him. But I do remember the time when I slowly realised that I liked him. We were young, around thirteen years old. It was the day before summer holiday, the whole elementary and middle school was singing songs in the venue in the park. Each class performed their song from nursery class to 6th grade. My class was the last one to sing since we were the ones who would begin high school. We were standing on the scene with roses in our hands from our teachers, they wished us the best luck for the future and then we sang our song. I remember I glanced to where he was standing. He didn’t showed his emotions, his face was just stoic. When everything ended we hugged our teachers good bye. Chanyeol, Sehun’s child hood friend and was also one of my closest boy friend, came up to me with a blue rose he got from his parents.

“Look at this rose!” he grinned as he showed the rose infront of my face. He knew that I liked flowers, especially blue ones.

“It’s beautiful.” I said with a smile on my face. I gently touched my fingers on the soft petals as I kept staring at it. Beside us stood Sehun with an emotionless face. I didn’t looked at him and I couldn’t see him clearly from the corner of my eye, but I could feel his gaze on me as I stared at the rose.

The day after that was summer holiday.

And it was then I realised I had feelings for him.

It has almost been three years since I ended 6th grade. I’m now in 9th grade, soon I will begin in a new school to study technology for the rest of the high school years. Every one in the 9th grade will have to choose something they want to study in like art, music, technology or even nursing. We will have to begin in another school then. It’s quite sad to think about that, when we begin in another schools I won’t see the people I usually see everyday since elementary school. But it will also be refreshing to change school and it will be fun to meet new people.

I was really excited to begin in another school but there was one little hitch,

Sehun will also study in technology.

Which means he would have to study in the same school as me. There was also a chance that we will end up in the same class again, but the chance is it’s quite small because of the large amount of students applying.

I don’t have anything against Sehun. But I want to be far away from him as possible. We haven’t talked to each other since 6th grade. I think I understand why we don’t talk to each other, I mean, what should we even talk about? We don’t have so much in common. You can say we’re almost the opposite of each other. Through the years when we went in the same class from 3rd grade to 6th grade, we usually quarreled. He would always annoy me and then I chased him to get revenge. We were like Tom & Jerry. I was Tom and he was Jerry. Though it ended when we began 7th grade. We began in different classes and had since then no contact or had any small talk with each other.

And I want to keep it like that.

In the beginning it hurted, a lot. But with the time it eased, now I can make through a day without feeling hurt. I feel like I have moved on. I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach anymore whenever I see him, I don’t blush whenever someone brings up his name in a conversation, I don’t feel anything at all.

That’s what I thought...

My friends and I was right outside our classroom, waiting for the teacher to come to unlock the classroom. “Oh!” one of my friends at school gasped as she touched her pockets. “I think I forgot my keys in the cafeteria!” she almost shrieked in panic.

“I can get it for you, I need to go to my locker and I will walk past the cafeteria.” I said with a grin on my face.

Her face lit up and a smile formed on her lips. “Can you really do that? Oh, thank you so much!” she smiled.

I smiled and then walked to the cafeteria to find her keys on the table we had sat at before we went. I then went to my locker and grabbed my stuff before slowly walking through the hall. The lession wouldn’t start in 4 minutes, so I had time to chill out. As I walked I saw Sehun walking in my direction, and he saw me. I didn’t look at him, I just looked forward. I saw one of my classmates stand at her locker, taking out her folder for the class.

“Hey!” Sehun said and smiled to my classmate. I knew for a long time that both of them were friends.

“Hey, Sehunnie~!” My classmate turned her head and smiled.

My heart clenched and my stomach dropped when I saw him circle his arm around her waist. I quickly looked away from the scene infront of me and proceeded to walk past them with a heavy heart. Tears blurred my eyes as I ran up the stairs. I blinked my tears away as I went closer to my friends, the scene of him hugging her kept replaying in my mind.

“Here, I got your keys.” I forced a smile as I handed my friend her keys.

“Thank you~” my friend smiled back but I didn’t listened to her. I went into the classroom and sat down on my place. The scene from earlier was still replaying in my mind. The more it did, the more I felt my heart clench and tears blurry my sight. Why am I feeling this now? I have seen them hug before but why does my chest hurt?

It hurts.

It hurts so damn much.

I wanted to cry so badly but I don’t want anyone to see. I composed myself and blinked away the tears that started to blurry my sight. Even though I calmed myself down, I couldn’t ease the pain in my chest. It hurts so much.

Through the whole lesson I couldn’t think straight. My mind kept repeating the scene over and over again, it started to annoy me. When the class ended I quickly packed my things and rushed out of the classroom. I need to get away from here. Away from this school, away from him. I was glad that this was my last lession of the day, I don’t think I would be able to hold in my feelings any longer.

I walked home slowly, the scene was still repeating in my mind. The pain in my chest only increased so I tried to think on something else till I got home. I thought about the homeworks I had to do, what food I will eat later and what I would do later. When I got home I quickly took off my jacket and shoes before I rushed into my bedroom and locked the door. I laid down on my bed with my face on the pillow. Soft sobs began to slip out of my throat as tears wet my pillow.

It hurts so much.

I don’t want to be in love with him! I screamed in my mind.

Why? Why did he have to do it infront of me? I asked myself. I remembered when one of my classmate said that Sehun might know that I have feelings for him. If he knew then why did he hug another girl infront of me?! Did he want to see my reaction?

I always thought that they hugged as soon as they saw each other, but now I’m not sure anymore. Everytime I saw them hug, he would look in my direction... I slightly groaned. What does he want from me?!

Stupid Sehun! Stupid stupid stupid moron! I clenshed my fist while holding onto my blanket. I then sighed, released my grip and turned around so I faced the ceiling. I know they’re just friends and all… but I can’t help but feel sad and hurt. Why do I have to feel like this?

It hurts so much.

I thought I finally was over him. I thought I didn’t have to deal with these feelings anymore. But I was wrong, totally wrong. The cage where I had locked away my feelings have crumbled down and now they’re back.

A tear escaped my eye and trickled down my cheek.

No, that’s not right. I always had these feelings. It have always been there, all this time I have just been telling myself a lie, a lie I truly believed in. But today I saw through the lie I created and now I’m lying here in pain. And I can’t do anything than crying over my broken heart.