March 2015.

“Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. –Anonymous”

Junsu stared at the short note from his fan. Reading the letters from his fans had become his habits lately, especially when he was working as solo. He used to play his hand phone and update his status on SNS before, however lately, something disturbed him. He did not know what to do and what to react when both his precious members, Jaejoong and Yoochun announced that they would enlist soon.

First, it was Jaejoong who broke out the news to him. Junsu knew that the day was coming, but he did not have any feeling to accept it. Not to mention that both himself and Jaejoong were busy with their solo activities. Because of his non-stop world tour schedule, Junsu felt upset because he could not spend Jaejoong’s last time together before his favourite hyung entered the military service. To make it worst, he could not say goodbye to Jaejoong on the upcoming enlistment day because he would busy promoting his third album.

Second, a simple message from Yoochun also broke his heart. “I’ll do the military service too this year. Don’t you want to change your mind, Junsu-ah?” If both Jaejoong and Yoochun were gone to the military service, then how could he survive later? Junsu kept thinking on his future life – who’ll listen to his problem, who’ll entertain him when he bored, who’ll during interview and so on.

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

He read another letter. Junsu frowned. So this is the time to let them go? Junsu wished that he could make the clock to tick faster.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 2015.

“S***! Another enlistment announcement! What the hell is going on? Why everyone that I love leave me?” Junsu could not hide his sadness when he read the breaking news.  SM confirmed that Super Junior’s Eunhyuk, Donghae, TVXQ’s Yunho to be enlisted.

No one beside him. Jaejoong and Yoochun were gone. His twin, Junho was busy preparing his Japanese album at Japan. Now, his best friend, Eunhyuk would go to the military service too. Not to mention together with his former member, Yunho.

Junsu sighed. He drank his coffee and stared at his phone. No one to be called. No one to be texted. He decided to open his Twitter account and update his status.

“Why do people I need the most in my life always leave?”

“Not all the people in your life are meant to stay.”

December 2015.

“How’s Junsu?”

“Nothing’s good. He refused to eat, talk, or do anything. You know, after he finished his tour last month, he just stays home doing nothing. I tried to get Junho talking to him, but it’s not working. Junho called almost every day to cheer him up, but failed. Junsu said that if that person loves him, then come back and meet him. He wants to meet that person, not only hearing the voice.”

“Aunty Kim, did Jaejoong or Yoochun call him? Did they know about this?”

“Heechul-ah. Jaejoong and Yoochun already called him several times. Both of them also realized that Junsu had changed. They never expected that he would become lifeless as this. I don’t even know how to make him smile again.”

Heechul accidently met Junsu’s mother at the café near his house. Being friendly he was, Heechul thought it’s not wrong to ask about his former colleague’s life. He should not ask this sensitive topic again that would bring sadness to the elder people like Junsu’s mother. It’s quite sensitive and sad. Heechul mentally noted inside his head.  

“Changmin-ah.”

“Yes, hyung?”

“I have a fan that really loves you. He admires you since your debut. He never missed to watch any of your performances. He collected all your albums. He also..”

“Wait hyung. Cut the story please. Make it short and sweet. Do you need any favour?”

“Ahh yes, yes. The problem is, the patient is dying of love. He became depressed and started to feel that his life is useless. You know that it is not good for his health.”

“So? Your point is??”

“As his favourite idol, Changmin-ah, I want you to meet him and make him happy again. Can you?”

“Why should I go? There’s nothing I can do if the person himself already give up. In fact, he knows his life better than me. Why bother a stranger like me to advise him?”

“No you must go!”

“No way. Just give whatever reasons, I would never go. Certainly never! What do you think that I am? A counsellor to make everyone happy if they get stressed? I’m stressed too?”

“But Changmin.. That person is……. Junsu.”

Changmin stopped making any movement the moment he heard his former member’s name. Junsu. Kim Junsu. It have been a long time since the name is mentioned here.

“Oi.”

“…..”
Changmin approached a man wearing the red sweater near the Han River. He already knew who the person it was and decided to initiate the conversation slowly. However, the person seemed not interested and ignored him completely. The person kept throwing some small stones into the river.

“Hey you. You with your red sweater. Can you hear me? If you can hear me, please answer me. Or by any chance, are you deaf? Or perhaps you’re mute? Oh I’m so sorry sir.”

“I’m not deaf or mute. Now please ignore me sir. Thank you.”

Changmin quite surprised that Junsu finally replied to him. He wondered if Junsu could recognize his voice since he was having sore throat right now and his voice had changed a little. Changmin later made a few steps towards Junsu and sat beside him.

“Junsu-ah, you know what, sometimes when we’re adult, we always expect that we’ll become good in everything right? We believe that we can handle problems better; we can hide our feelings and facing the difficulties better. But don’t you ever realize that the older we get, the more childish we are? When someone scolds you or comment negatively about you, you’ll immediately think that you’re bad, you’re not good; you’re not doing your best. Same goes when your people around you leave you for a while or not contact you for a period of time, you’re thinking of they hate you right? How come you think like that? Remember your childhood before? When you got fight with some of your classmates, you said that you didn’t want to be their friend anymore and you started to find new friends, but after some time you felt sad because you missed your happiness that you shared with that friends. You know what, it’s common for people to feel bad or sad, but at the end of the day, you’ll still miss the happiness you had before. Why you feel sad? It’s because you keep thinking negative things. Why the children look happy? Because they never think negatively. The children most of the time always think positively. Don’t you ever think that why you think negatively the more you get older? Why can’t you stay positive like before when you’re younger?” What a long lecture I gave.

“I can’t survive without them. I can’t smile or live happily without my precious people around me. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Junsu’s tears dropped and he sobbed unconsciously after hearing Changmin’s lecture. He did not know why, but he just cried.

“At first, I thought I can survive without them. I said to myself that I can leave without Jaejoong hyung, Yoochun, Hyukjae. Junho hyung called me often but he’s too busy to hear my problems. He did come home, but he had no enough time to spend with me. It hurts me a lot you know, knowing that you don’t have someone to cry on. I can’t tell my problems to my mom or dad. I can’t make them sad. I should solve this problem by myself.”

“And you forgot that you have me, Junsu-ah?”

“Minnie…”

“Don’t you and Yunho hyung hate us so much?”

“Who said so?”

“The media. The people. The fans. Most of them.”

“Have you heard that we say that we hate you?”

“No.”

“Then?”

“I should not assume bad things or think negative thing. I’m bad, Changmin-ah. You can punch me for my foolishness. I should just disappear from your life, from everyone’s life. I’m bad..I’m bad..” Junsu kept sobbing uncontrolledly.

“Junsu-ah. I may not be the right person to comfort you, I’m not a hyung to you, but I know what a dongsaeng feels like when he lost his brothers. Remember I’m your dongsaeng right? I’m also a big brother you know. Now as a big brother to you, come and tell me all your problems. Let it go. I’m available for you tonight.”

"...."

"Don't feel like sharing? Then I'll go and leave you alone. Go and live the way you want."

"Changminnie. Don't.. don't go. Stay with me." Changmin smirked upon realizing that Junsu was begging him to stay.

"I...."

"Yea?"

"I.. I can't leave without you guys. I feel like my life is gone when you guys are not here with me. You’re not my big brother. You’re Changmin, the one act like a big brother to me. I am the one should be your big brother, not you. But I don’t know how to act like a big brother…”

“That’s because you don’t have any younger siblings in your family. You don't have to be my big brother just because you're older than me. Just be yourself. It doesn't matter who's hyung or who's dongsaeng. As long as you yourself is happy, then it'll be okay for everyone around you. Don’t you notice that people around you always treat you like a maknae before? They literally pay attentions to you more Junchan because in our heart, you’ll be forever our little precious dongsaeng who need big brother’s protection like us. Me, Jaejoong hyung, Yunho hyung, Yoochun hyung, Hyukjae and even Junho, all of us promised that we’ll be your big brother forever despite your age.”

“Yah. But I’m still older than you, Changmin-ah.”

“Junsu-ah, remember the old times when we always do fighting cheers without mentioning your name? Yoochun said that the youngest one should be bullied, which means that through our eyes, it was you who has the feel of youngest, not me. And every time we’re travelling, did you ever notice that Yunho hyung would always ask you to walk first in front of us? He never let you to be the last one in our line. Jaejoong hyung too, he moved near to your house because he wanted to protect you, Junsu. He said that a good hyung should follow where his dongsaeng goes. Don’t you ever realize this?”

“….” Junsu was crying again, feeling nostalgic and grateful to have wonderful people around him. He realized that all people around him cared about him the most. He should never misjudge them before.

“Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there. Remember this. ”

“You’re saying that you’re a star? But the stars only can be seen at night. I can’t see them during daylight. Oh but sometimes there are no stars found, especially when the weather is not good. How come do you know that the starts are there?”

“Oh my god. I can’t believe that you’re still blurr. Can you just accept and understand the quote?”

“There are some better quotes that I remembered.”

“What is it? Spill.”

“Closeness has nothing to do with distance.”

“Define that.”

“It means that the distance has nothing to do with closeness. The closeness of a relationship is not measured by the distance.”

“Okay, good job dongsaeng Junsu.”

“Yah, I’m not your dongsaeng Changminnie! I’m your big brother! Call me hyungggg!”

-fin-

pure imaginations. don't blame me!