Termination

"I love you." he said and before I knew it, I found myself in his embrace. My upper arms against his chest, my body pressed tightly against his, his arms were locked around my body, capturing me into his embrace. I felt safe. For the first time in my life I felt safe. When I catched the look in his eyes with my own I could feel the love jump out of them. Slowly his eyes came closer and I could feel his lips gently pressed against mine. One side of me wanted to push him away, while the other side wanted to pull him closer. So I did. I tugged on his shirt, asking him for more with a desperate whine coming from deep down in my throat. I wanted more of him... more of his warmth... more...love..." Once he spoke his words he turned away from me, showing me his back while he looked out of the window at the blooming cherry and peach blossoms in the garden where he was looking down on. "Little did I know. He wasn't the right one for me. So he was kind enough, to release me out of his arms and stepped away from me. I catched a glimpse of something in his eyes. It probably took me a few years what that look in his eyes ment. Possible, I don't even think I know it by now actually... but... really. He was one of a kind. I am thankfull for all he did for me. So the last thing I could do, was to finish his story. You are a interesting man, Wu Yifan. You caught my interest, the moment you walked in. The moment you hit me the first time. The moment you left me behind.. even never made me succeed to lose it." He his heals again and he eyed me, the man who was sitting there on a chair in the livingroom of the house which once used to be filled with love and he chuckled softly, but his voice wasn't as bright as it used to be. It had lost it's brightness, the musical sound in them, the love it once was holding. "I miss him."

It was hard to tell Tao that everything was going to be okay, because it wasn't. I knew it wasn't going to be okay and he knew it to. So I left the meaningless words unspoken while I listened to the story he told me. He told me about how he started to love Kris. So here I am. Sitting in the exact same room which once belonged to the most beloved author Wu Yifan, the person who started to write a story about his love for Huang Zitao. It was pretty one sided, since Wu Yifan wrote everything after his point of view. And Tao just finished the story. Of course I was there, listening in the room to Tao his words, I wrote it all down for him. Because Wu Yifan wasn't the only one who was sick. Tao got into a motor accident once, causing him to have Subdural Hematoma. He had bleedings outside his brain, but inside his skull. Thanks to surgery it could be fixed, temporary. It would be just a matter of time for the bleedings to return, getting him more surgeries from time to time. He ended up in a depression, he took anti depressic pills, he took painkillers, sleeping pills, everything to make his pain easier to live with when he didn't need his surgery. But after a while, he just gave up. Untill the day he met Wu Yifan. He suddenly found his muse to continue with his life. Of course, he still had to get surgery from time to time, because let's face it, Kris hitting his head every once in a while didn't help him at all, but Zitao was so damn kind, he never said a word about it. He even didn't mind. I think he even did it on purpose after a while. But in the time that they were on a holiday together, he started to quit with his medicins. Of course he knew Wu Yifan his condition, he knew that Wu Yifan couldn't live much longer, so Huang Zitao decided that they would live and die together. No medicin included any longer. Even though they were both dying, I bet he never told Wu Yifan, they were each others reason to continue to live. But.. I am getting distracted to much.. I wrote everything down for Zitao, because he was back in his depression. Ever since the day that Wu Yifan left his life, he got more and more into it. Due to the pressure on his brain he sometimes would forget how he needed to move, sometimes his body just dropped on the floor and it frustrated him. So in order to save some time, in order to able to finish his story on time, he asked me to write it all down before his time would be over. But it was to late. We were planning on publishing their stories as one book. We named it "Assent your Voice". Even though Wu Yifan couldn't speak, Zitao always understood the meaning of his words. All he wanted to reach were the words "I love you." and he got those. Wu Yifan, gave him these words after five years since the day that they met. After five years of getting closer, of acting like a couple, they shared their first and final kiss. They both knew they didn't had a future with each other. But the problem was.. Wu Yifan waited for a man who passed away before he could. He stretched his life, only to get more broken with every minute. I didn't know it myself, but the man who used to be Wu Yifan his doctor told me all about it. He told me about how Wu Yifan just didn't seem to want to give up, that he kept eyeing the door, that he expected someone to walk in. But he turned deaf, so he could never hear the words which told him that the waiting didn't had any use. He never looked at the people around him, so he never saw the gestures they made at him to show that his waiting had no use. He just wanted to fight on his own. He wanted to see the man he missed so much.


 

May 10 2016 - The day we burried my dear friend Huang Zitao in Maui.
Decembers 12 2016 - The day we burried Wu Yifan next to the man he loved so much.
Februari 20 2017 - The day when I finally published their stories as one.

My special thanks to Wu Yifan for starting to write this story.
My special thanks to Huang Zitao for telling me his story.
To the both of them for helping me finish it all, for giving their approval of me helping them publish it.

I also want to thank my boyfriend, Do Kyungsoo, who took such good care of Wu Yifan as his doctor.
And also doctor Zhang Yixing, for taking such good care of Huang Zitao as his doctor.

And also a thank you to all the people to who I spoke to through phone and personally.
The people who told me about how Wu Yifan and Huang Zitao were on their special trip.
The people who helped me to understand the two of them even better.

- Kim Jongin